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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be jealous that my best friend has just had a.........

190 replies

becky00 · 15/02/2009 19:52

baby girl?

I have 2 lovely DS and would love a DD. I find it so hard as I keep being asked if I would like a girl etc as I am very girly, like it was something you can just buy in a shop!

I know its stupid but when I found out BF had a girl today I felt jealous.

OP posts:
clarabell16 · 23/02/2009 18:42

When i was pregnant i had a preference for a girl, and thats what i got. Our family is full of boys, and i suppose i fancied a break from the norm! I also have a very close relationship with my twin and mother, and wanted to have that same relationship with a daughter. When im pregnant again, i wouldnt care what the sex is. And shoot me for it but i love pink.......

MrsTittleMouse · 23/02/2009 18:46

Personally I didn't have any gender preference. I understand that people do though, and you can hardly help how you feel. So the OP is NBU. What is unreasonable is when people express their preferences in RL. We have friends with two DDs and we know that they wanted a boy. Why tell us? And don't get me started on celebrities (yes, I mean you Victoria Beckham and Jamie Oliver) - the poor children will have written evidence that they were the "wrong" gender.

MrsMattie · 23/02/2009 18:47

I know. Poor Jamie Oliver's kid if it's another girl

ChasingSquirrels · 23/02/2009 18:49

my friend found out at her 20wk scan that her 3rd was a girl - just after I had delivered my 2nd boy (I had very much wanted a girl when I was pg, and knew no 2 would be my last).
I was definatley jealous - please for her, but jealous for me.
It certainly doesn't make me any less of a friend, I think I am a great friend to her.
It can be a natural feeling - as long as it isn't one that colours your relationship with your child, your friend, or their child.

chipmonkey · 23/02/2009 19:16

It is chaotic but plenty of fun. It does help that ds1 and ds2 are older and do help out a lot

And agree with MrsTittlemouse, I often feel that people here on MN must think I always go about moaning about my lack of a daughter when in fact in RL I only really talk to dh about it. When I was pg with ds4, ds1 and ds2 came home from school saying their friends had asked them if I was hoping for a girl. I managed to look aghast at the thought. told them I didn't care, hoped the baby was healthy and in fact, maybe a little brother might be better for ds3 as they (ds1 and ds2) got on so well together. I do actually love them to bits and wouldn't swap any individual one of them for a daughter and would hate them to think otherwise.

Whiteteatwosugars, what are you going on about? My SIL had a baby girl 2 days before I found out ds4 was a boy. I was delighted for her as I knew she wanted a dd ( she has an older ds) but just a bit upset that I couldn't have the same thing myself. I'm sure that's also how the OP feels and shouldn't be too difficult to understand, surely! And we are still great friends and always will be!

4paws · 23/02/2009 19:33

Well I will admit to feeling a little disappointed to get ds2 but he is such a darling, even with the strange planes, trains and automobiles obsession. But I wonder, if you only have boys, in 20 years time are you lucky to get a birthday card and a phone call once every 6 months?

Meglet · 23/02/2009 19:43

YANBU. But I wanted a boy, which I had. For some reason I did not want my first child to be a girl . Second baby was a girl which was rather lovely.

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 23/02/2009 20:36

I really wanted a boy and luckily got one. I can't imagine yearning for a girl, maybe I will in a few years.

BananaSkin · 23/02/2009 21:25

Only scanned this thread, but am I the only person who doesn't want a girl particularly?

All my best times in life have been outdoorsy things - covered in mud go-carting, flying kites, sky-diving etc. It seems fitting that I have three boys. I also find boys/men much easier to communicate with and look in wonder at other mothers on the school run who do the fluttery eyelash/hair flicking/touchy arm thing when the meet up! Having said all that, I am a reasonably 'girly girl' who likes make up/jewellery etc. The only thing I am a bit ambiguous about is them not having a doll's house - but I may get DS3 one anyhow.

KleineMaus · 23/02/2009 21:28

When we found out the sex of ds1 we'd just been told, following 20 wk scan, that he might die, so there wasn't really any room for emotion regarding his gender. As it happens, the hole in his heart that they were worried about never materialised, and he is fine (now 2.5). Now pregnant with dc2 and probably won't find out what sex it is until it's born (unless we pay for private scan). I don't feel at the moment that I'd be disappointed either way, but my husband is convinced we'll have boys all the way, despite the fact my sister has 2 dds and his brother has 2ds and 1dd.

Chooster · 23/02/2009 21:31

No you are not being unreasonable as you feel the way you feel. Doesn't mean we all agree though . Personally I am very happy with my 2 boys and was genuinely shocked when, after having found out at my scan that DS2 was a boy, someone said, "maybe next time you'll get your girl". I honestly was stuck for words. My boys are loving, caring, funny, cuddly, adventurous - everything I could want in 2 chidren, regardless of gender. And they get on so well - I'm pleased for them that they have each other.

Maybe I feel this way because I really dont believe in this while attitude of girls staying close to their parents and boys drifting away. My Dh is far closer to his parents than I am to mine - in fact we live round the corner . I think its all about the way you bring you kids up and I dont see why boys are any more likely not to call their mum .

By the way, I hate that 'smug' statement that comes out on MN from mums of only girls sometimes - whats that about??? why feel smug? Having kids is not about how it makes you look to the outside world - I just dont get it

Washersaurus · 23/02/2009 22:11

Goodness me, I don't think I'd know what to do with a girl! I would be very happy to have a 3rd boy (if I am every brave enough to have another after over a year of sleep deprivation thanks to DS2)

diddle · 23/02/2009 22:36

well i always wanted boys, i now have 2 ad i'm pregnant with baby number 3, i think i'm destined to be a mummy to boys, but we'll see only 4 1/2 weeks to go. My best mommy friend has got 2 girls, so maybe she'll have all the girls and i'll have all the boys. I'd love a girl now i've got my boys. Just because i really love the relationship i have with my mom and would love to have that with a daughter of my own

chipmonkey · 23/02/2009 22:55

Chooster, I hate the "smug" word too! wtf? As if your having daughters was a great plan of your own design?

sleeplessinstretford · 23/02/2009 23:53

When I was having DD1 I wanted a girl as I was worried that I wouldn't know what to do with a boy (I was on my own and didn't know anything about space/dinosaurs/tractors) when I was pregnant with my second one I thought I didn't mind what I had,DD1 wanted a baby sister,daddy was sure he wanted a boy and I didn't really think I had a preference-I thought another girl would be nice but a boy would be good because it was different-I got another girl and now feel if we go for a 3rd i'd like a boy-although another girl would be ace too.
I have 5 sisters by the way...all girls is horrific!

choklit · 24/02/2009 05:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eidsvold · 24/02/2009 06:44

fwiw - I have three dds and they are far from pink and frilly and girly although dd2 has flashes of it.

earthpixie · 24/02/2009 12:00

Perhaps as women we want, at some very, very deep molecular level, to replace ourselves, and so a daughter fulfils this need more obviously than a son.

Having said that, I sometimes look into my DS' eyes and see myself gazing back (not just the reflection!)

whitecoffeenosugar · 24/02/2009 13:33

One aspect of sisterhood makes me somewhat relieved that I have all boys as opposed to more than one girl. It stems from personal experience. I'm one of two girls.My sister is two years younger. We have a mixed relationship,one moment getting on great,next ( now )not speaking. I have always struggled with negative emotions towards anything that my sister does that resembles, copies my life ( being SAHM for example). She does not do it on purpose, these things are coincidental but I just can't help feeling annoyed about it, like it threatens my own identity or something. I know it's unreasonable but please don't judge me, I don't act on these feelings, but they are just there, this resentment i feel at times, I hate it but can't make it go away. One explanation could be that although I'm perfectly happy to be a sahm and it is my free choice and works best for our family, I feel that some people ( family,acquaintances) judge my decision and
it's fine by me but coupled with my sister choosing to stay home and I do believe that we're judged that there is something wrong with our family, the way we've been brought up as opposed to my own thought trough decision.We both supported by our working husbands by the way.
It's not just sahm issue, the list goes on.
On the other hand my husband's relationship with his brother is sooo much simpler, loving,down to earth, practical, they never fall out, always there for each other.
Now , I digressed from what i really wanted to write, what really puts me off idea of two or more girls. Life is as it is, people are very judgy and some quite blunt with it. Girls are always judged on their looks. I happen to be, according to lots of people throughout my life, quite attractive ( haven't uploaded any pics so no point clicking my nickname )and my sister has been considerably less blessed in this department. I HATE it. I mean tbh being seen as all right ( I'm far from a bombshell by the way ! just quite pretty apparently) is obviously nice and in my experience helps in life but how I wish my sister was more on par. She is a really nice person,very feminine, looks after herself but since we were little there were always people who felt compelled to comment ( not to her face luckily) how much prettier I was/am. Many of my girl friends said it to me , I suppose meaning to pay me a compliment but to me it just felt like an insult to my sister, it hurt and I wanted to punch them( never did).The comments were not subtle, I remember one girl saying ' you're millions times better looking than you sister My husband said something similar to this......My sister's boyfriends( some) were less direct but still annoying by keeping on what a pretty sister she has. She sometimes mentions it herself, as a matter of fact, that I'm prettier and I hate that too, as I'm embarrassed and deny it.

My sister , too , has issues, like she believes our mum thinks more highly of me, regards me as a better mother to my children, more patient and is generally less critical of me (I do believe she loves us the same though ) My sister is quite philosophical about it but hurts to some extent.

Please, forgive such a winding post but I'm trying to explain well the whole situation, this world of constant comparisons between sisters. Do any of you have similar experiences ?

lunamoon2 · 24/02/2009 13:40

I agree with leo-why do all things masculine have to be pretty boring/concentrated on fighting. Eg no great clothes just boring old combats, jog pants in navy??
Gergeous clothes for girls around on the other hand.
Sad to hear the comments other people make about assuming people will want a girl/boy this time.
My friend when requesting to be sterilised was asked by her doctor "But don't you want to try for a girl next time?"
Silly response from a man who must surely know that it isn't that simple.

whitecoffeenosugar · 24/02/2009 13:44

Actually, I just realized this is the first time ever I got it off my chest , confided to anyone , the looks issue, as it is quite an embarrassing one to talk about from my perspective.

whitecoffeenosugar · 24/02/2009 13:52

Lunamoon, When I went for my baby DS3's six week check up, my doctor , a very nice caring woman, asked ' so is this your last one or are you going to try for a girl? Now, I would expect ( and did get it ) from some old dear in the street/shop but a doctor ?

blackrock · 24/02/2009 14:16

Would just like another child, not worried about the gender

chipmonkey · 24/02/2009 14:44

wcns, I would imagine the doctor asked because statistically women with two of the same sex are more likely to "go again" (hate that expression!) than the "one-of-eachers"
FWIW, I am one of 3 sisters, (we also have a younger brother ! ) My sister is slimmer and prettier than me, always has been. But I love her to bits and we are the best of friends, I feel my life has been enriched by her company and neither I nor my other sister would be without her. And you can just as easily have a hunky guy with a weedy brother!

wolfear · 24/02/2009 15:26

Not at all. I have one lovely DS - 19 months - and am 23wks into second pregnancy and secretly hoping for another boy. Obviously, either will be great (you have to say that don't you).