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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous that my best friend has just had a.........

190 replies

becky00 · 15/02/2009 19:52

baby girl?

I have 2 lovely DS and would love a DD. I find it so hard as I keep being asked if I would like a girl etc as I am very girly, like it was something you can just buy in a shop!

I know its stupid but when I found out BF had a girl today I felt jealous.

OP posts:
4andnotout · 15/02/2009 22:51

YANBU
i have 4 girls and my sil has 4 boys, she really wanted a girl but after 4 boys said enough was enough.

I on the other hand would be if i ever have a boy as im so used to girly things and although i have a brother, he was very efeminate growing up so not very boy like! The only boys i have had close contact with have been the ones my parents have fostered in the last few years and as can be imagined they had a lot of problems, so make boys seem very hard work!

Leo9 · 15/02/2009 23:05

i think we should all approach life in a somewhat less traditionalist and hidebound way without all these gender expectations - I mean if people treated children as children who look beautiful in bright colours and bobbles and whatever then the manufacturers would make lovely children's clothes instead of lovely pretty girls clothes and shit colour/mini soldiers stuff for boys. If we didn't all follow like lemmings "Oh when I get married I shall do this or that and my dad will make a speech but the groom's dad won't because it's not the done thing" etc etc etc...then people wouldn't just want to be the 'mother of the bride' but just the mother of their child getting married.

If everyone out there put away their assumptions of boys and remained open minded and un-threatened by any 'un-manly' behaviour then maybe we wouldn't be so fixated on the benefits of having a daughter because the differences may not be so great.
It makes me angry and despairing actually this issue, that a daughter is seen as so much more desirable.

Of course I know most of the time boys will be boys etc etc and there ARE in-built differences but what we seem to do as a society is make these differences SO great that one sex only can fill some need in mothers.

chipmonkey · 15/02/2009 23:34

Oh goodness, this issue hit me hard today. I have 4 boys and attended a birthday party for my SIL's dd. Well, everything was pink and her dd looked so cute and not only that, her friends who were there kept commenting on how happy SIL was to have a dd to dress up in cute clothes ( She had a boy first)
Most of the time I don't feel it so badly but occasions like this don't help!
Btw I am very fond of SIL and both her children and don't hold it against her in the slightest, but would like those things for myself too IYKWIM

macdoodle · 16/02/2009 00:11

I ahve 2 girls and an exH am desperate for another and would secrety love a boy

chipmonkey · 16/02/2009 00:30

swap you 2 boys for one girl macdoodle? But only if you take the sleepless teething one currently on my lap!

becklespeckle · 16/02/2009 01:20

YANBU - lots of people feel this way. I personally feel that my children are a real blessing and the fact that they are here and healthy is all that matters to me but if DH hadn't wanted a DD so badly then I would still have 2 DCs and not the 3 that I really wanted.

I do agree with everything Leo said too but unfortunately we do not live in an ideal world. My DS2 is a little 'unmanly' in some of his behavior perhaps, loves pink and is very theatrical (always has been), but it is part of who he is and I love him for it. He is only 6 and may grow out of it, or he may not - it doesn't really matter to me as long as he is happy. Who knows, my DD may be a total tomboy like I was and that will also be fine with me!

Hi Macdoodle , how are you? (Hi BT too )

mm22bys · 16/02/2009 09:21

YANBU. I have two lovely DSs, but would love a girl. I feel a pang of envy (or maybe even jealousy ) when I hear that someone's just had a girl, especially if they already have a boy! (It's not so bad for them to have another girl if they already have one...)

mm22bys · 16/02/2009 09:24

Leo9, this mother of the bride thing gets to me too....

I went to a wedding a little while ago where the groom has two brothers, no sisters. So a three-boy family.

The mother of the groom very proudly stood up and made a great speech about how proud she is of her three boys.

Good on her I thought!

lilstarry1 · 16/02/2009 09:32

I think Leo9 has pretty much hit the nail on the head!!
I have two girls, both of whom are really into tractors, diggers and trains! My eldest has started enjoying pink and dolls, but I don't define any of this as girl or boy behaviour, just childhood traits.

I'd love another baby, and yes, I would like a boy but only because I'd like to see if there are innate differences or it is nurture! My sil is pregnant with her first and we're pretty sure it's a boy, so that'll be interesting - my good friend is also having a son! I fear I will be broody!!

As for weddings - my mum is giving me away and my partners mum is going to be his "best man" because both women have been incredibly important in our upbringing! I think it's important that changes take place, and they are beginning to !

Tclanger · 16/02/2009 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

electra · 16/02/2009 09:53

Well I have two girls and am expecting another girl and my mum said that I may as well give it away because why on earth would I want another girl......

I don't think you can win. I have got to thinking I'm not destined to raise a son

Madmentalbint · 16/02/2009 10:02

electra....what a mean thing to say

To the OP - YANBU

I always wanted boys but had 2 girls. When the second was born I was asked if I was disappointed - of course i wasn't! I would have liked a boy but I was still delighted with my healthy baby girl. My third was a boy and I was thrilled to bits. Then I had another girl so he's quite outnumbered! He loves it though

TrinityRhino · 16/02/2009 10:07

I have three girls
not sure if we are having anymore

carmenelectra · 16/02/2009 10:22

I feel pangs of jealousy too! I am very girly and would love a daughter.
have two ds's and though i adore them i cant help wondering what a girl would be like.

Anyway, i am now ttc number three and im planning my dates so i (hopefully) get the daughter i want. If it doesnt work, at least ive tried and i will accept my fate!

pigsinmud · 16/02/2009 10:35

YANBU

I consider myself very lucky as had 2 boys and then 2 girls. When pregnant with third I got fed up with the number of people who said "OOh you must want a girl". Well, I did want a girl, but obviously would have been pleased whatever the outcome.

If no.3 had been a boy I don't think I'd have had a 4th as I would have really wanted a girl. As for the pink thing - I am not girly, but dd1 has been turned pink and girly by pre-school friends and now schoolfriends. I suppose we wanted a girl so we could experience boys and girls iyswim - not to do the pink, frilly, girly thing (yuk). Dd2 is not girly and ds2 is not your "traditional" boy!

Bettymum · 16/02/2009 11:05

YANBU at all.
My DH has two DDs from a previous marriage, who he loves to pieces, but he's desperate for a son and I would love to have a son for him (that sounds more subservient than it's meant to).
Anyway when I was pg we found out that we were having a girl, and although I was kind of sad that it was not the son he wanted I was thrilled to bits at the thought of having a little girl. DD is beautiful and she will just have to learn to ride a bike and fish and go beating like her daddy does. And who knows, maybe next time...

Carbonel · 16/02/2009 20:35

I think this whole sexist 'girls are into pink and frilly' stuff on here is disgraceful. Dd has alwys been a tomboy and getting unisex clothes has been impossible because they are either pink (girls) or khaki (boys)!

The number of times she is called 'he' becasue she chooses boys clothes (generally pretty fab ones from Gymboree which dh gets on his US trips) is ridiculous she is far too pretty to be a boy

But I am surprised how many parents on this thread have perpetuated that sterotype by talking about 'wanting to do the pink / frilly / girlie thing' - clothes / decor / bedding etc manufacturers are never going to change if parents carry on like this ....

chipmonkey · 16/02/2009 21:18

Carbonel: "She's far too pretty to be a boy"
Who's being sexist now?

Carbonel · 16/02/2009 21:46

LOL you are quite right, but she is the image of her dad

TiggyR · 16/02/2009 22:01

Yes, YABU. Who ever said you get to choose? And all you people who said 'I don't love my boys any less but my little girl is special and I feel complete'. Care to show that quote to your sons (especially the ones who were second or third) in a few years time? See if they feel equally loved? You are treating them like the consolation prize on a tombola stall. Get a grip and be thankful fot the gift of happy healthy children. Sorry.

RiaParkinson · 16/02/2009 22:07

Leo9 wow who are you?

whata fabulous post and how i agree!

Leo9 · 16/02/2009 22:10

well thank you Ria!

I have a single child (a boy!) and I guess have done a bit of thinking on this issue as so many people have clearly been surprised that I'm happy with a boy and don't want to try again for a girl. It started me thinking on why it would be seen as so important to have one or the other gender.

RiaParkinson · 16/02/2009 22:14

leo I have 5 boys

I have brought the last three up much more as 'children' as you describe

they have gorgeous hair, great clothes and fab toys

i have always operated a non guns etc toy home but have learned how to buy stuff for them that brings them up as 'children' rather than boys

i dont 'do' blue and i dont 'do' khaki!

BettySwollux · 16/02/2009 22:17

I wanted a boy first time round, and thats exactly what I had, couldnt see at the sexing scan, little bugger kept waving his bum at the 'camera' (dunno what its called ).So we kind of guessed it was a boy, just bring bloody awkward
I was thrilled.
Second time, my pregnancy was completely different, and I was so convinced I was carrying a girl, that I named her and bought an outfit, fantasised about taking her to ballet class and seeing her as the angel in the school nativity, etc.
The scan revealed a boy, and I was devastated.
I felt like I was actually grieving for the loss of my little girl (if that makes sense)
I felt so bloody shallow, but it still took a little while to come to terms with it.

I wouldnt change him for the world, of course, but we decided that we were stopping at two, and DH had the snip (mutual decision) so I know, theres no chance, even by accident that I'll have a pink one .

OlaMamas · 16/02/2009 22:20

After years of thinking I could have none with endless investigations and not even daring to consider sex of baby... How ridiculous that years on now with 2 DS's I could even think about how wonderful it would be to have a dd!Felt so much better reading this thread! Even spoke to DH this week about how he'd feel about adopting a girl! Have both agreed that we don't want 3 children but would love a daughter and I know that that doesn't make full sense but would never "try" for a girl it would have to be "trying" for a third child and that is not what we want.Anyway NEVER going to happen as had to convince DH to even try for a second and know how lucky I am to have 2 gorgeous DS! The phrase that sticks in my mind is "Your son's your son til he finds a wife, your daughter remains your daughter for life!"