DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

[JackJacksmummy]

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

Very interesting discussion. So what is a better age to leave them if you think 8-9 is too young. My friend had one 12.5 yr old daughter who is very mature and sensible but has never left her. She is even looking for a nanny for her to escort her to and from the school bus which is about 500yrds from her house. They live in a very affluent and safe part of London. Should her child be left to go home by herself and wait a couple of hours for her mother to come home???

Seeker,

I know it's pretty unlikely that the dad would be involved in an accident, and I didn't mean I wanted the child involved too, but I was thinking from the perspective of the child if something did happen, eg traffic jam, road works, etc etc etc, and the child being left on their own for a lot longer than they would be expecting. I am sure most children would be fine for 20 minutes or so, but we would have to factor in the effect on the child if things, for whatever reason, were delayed.

I know even now I panic if DH isn't home when he says he would be!!!!

FWIW, my two are only 4 and 2. When DS1 was a baby, and asleep, I did duck out the postbox to post a letter once, and until recently when I got told off by a very well-meaning passer-by I would leave DS2 in the car while I was at the corner shop (haven't done if for nearly 2 weeks though now!)

mm22bys, I see what you mean. But IME a child of this age is perfectly aware of things like traffic delays. Ds (8) wouldn't panic if I was 15 minutes late; he would assume I'd missed the bus and would be on the next one. We talk about these things.

If I did not turn up after a reasonable time, he would then ring to know what is happening. He has the mobile phone number and also the number of his Dad's work phone. And if he needs more immediate help, he can ask a neighbour.

You could always ring them too, couldn't you, to let them know you'll be late...

But...

Some people on here have directed their DC not to answer the phone.

Why is that?

Is it because they might let whoever rang know that they were "home alone"?

I can see why you wouldn't want them answering the door, but couldn't see what was wrong the phone, especially if you yourself did need to ring them for whatever reason...

DD(8) has been left alone in the house by herself a number of times.
She knows how to use the phone, mine, DP's and the neighbours telephone numbers are on the noticeboard, if the phone rings she is to answer it and depending on who it is say either 'Mum's in the shower' or 'Mum's just popped out'. (Don't want the phone left to ring incase it's someone checking if the house is empty).
I lock the front door but leave her my keys and the back door is left unlocked.
If I were delayed I'd call her.

I leave my 9 yr old alone for short periods when collecting my 6 yr old from clubs. I wouldn't leave the 6 yr old alone unless I was going to the shop (equivalent to going to end of my garden) for 5 minutes. 9 yr old is sensible, 6 yr old is a bit ditsy.

I do worry that we don't give our children enough independence now - at the age of 9 I was cycling a mile and a half to school by myself, and letting myself in until my mum came back from work (half an hour later). At 11 I cycled 4 miles across town to school, and went to music lessons and dancing lessons by myself.

When does it become acceptable to let children do things by themselves? I think it's far too late to leave until they're heading off to secondary school - surely it's safer to start them off by staying at home alone when they're younger?

Thanks hatwoman!

I also walked to and from school (20 mins) from the age of six and was a latchkey kid from the age of nine. In fact, my mum would kill me if she knew I was writing this, but she used to go out to the pub on Saturday nights and leave me alone from the age of nine! How bad does that sound, tee hee! I was nine going on forty and told her I was perfectly capable of looking after myself and hated having to be nice to some babysitter. She always went on about not telling anyone in case they rang the police and she ended up in jail!

Anyway, I'm not suggesting anyone do what my mum did, and I wouldn't do it either (sorry mum!), but I do think as piscesmoon says we need to give children responsibility so they learn to be responsible and also imo it's really important not to pass on irrational fears of serial killers, fires, etc (although of course we need to make children very aware of the risks)

Hm...I wonder how the "neighbourhood network" is for all those that are so against it 8-9 years +....before, I suppose most agree..to you ng to be alone/...??

I wouldn't even leave my 12 year old alone if it wasn't for my fab neighbours, old generation mind, that will be happy to help ds out but would never judge me for leaving him alone...

and what seeker is saying is not that it will never happen, but what will be the likelyhood...and I think as a generation we are now even better infomred than we ever were...accidents wil always happen, but I think peope do have better guideleines and understand those better now...and tehrefore are more likely to take these into consideration!

Oddly enough conversation between to Basic grade OT's and me, fiirst year OT student , happened...and I suppose I am far more trusting into my 12 year old (but good neighbourhood connections were considered)....and the other 2 were very hesitant to leave the Kids of that age on their own for a while..( a few hours)...
however, one of them has a Socila Worker hubbie...and she does say that that impacts on thier parenting decisions...

Can I just say - if you go out and leave your dc DONT tell them not to answer the phone

If you need to telephone them to tell them you are going to be held up etc whatever - they will not answer the telephone!

Tell them answer the phone and if its not mummy say "mums in the bathroom I will take your number and get her to call you back"

OK

Hang on - did someone say something about getting a nanny to walk a 12 year old to the bus stop? Whoever it was - please tell me you're joking!

Posted a similar qu t?other week ? DH wanted to (and did) leave 9.5yo DS1 in front of TV for 20-25 mins while he and DD walked to get DS2 from footie.

Consensus was that it was fine.

Certainly it?s far from being a totally unreasonable idea. A child of 9 is growing up and needs to start gaining more independence.

Yes great posts as ever hatwoman - how will our children ever learn independence if this is our attitude?

I really think confidence in themselves and their own ability is the greatest gift we can give.

DS1 starts secondary school next year - I am certainly not walking there with him (I can't anyway - taking other 2 elsewhere). And the school will expect a massive amount from him in terms of self- sufficiency. this kind of thing is a step towards it.

I agree that NSPCC guidance seems ludicrous to me.

mumto2 - it's extremely insulting to suggest that those of us who would leave our children alone do not regard them as precious.

My DC are very precious - but they are not things, they are people, and as such they need freedom - in appropriate ways and at an appropriate age. An NT 9yo can fine well understand not to answer door or phone, not turn on cooker, in the way a 2yo cannot.

Actually wrt phone thing - if I rang up then DS1 would hear my voice on the machine sayign DS1, pick up it's me. I think he would do it then.

Yes nanny to walk 12yo to bus stop, wtf?

This is all of a piece with the whole "4yos are OK in a buggy" thing, not letting our children mature and grow up as they need to and it worries me so much.

Totally unreasonable that he should call you and ask.

OBVIOUSLY it's okay. How old is that child again?????

The phone thing, I've always said answer it, say I'm in the shower, because there were a spate of burglaries where the burglars would call up the house to check no-one was home before breaking into the house.

Could someone who doesn't allow thier child to answer the phone when home alone please tell me the reasoning behind that? Honest question - not baiting.

I'd assume it's so they don't let on they are home alone?

I used to do this, because I knew dd's old head was out to prove that we were unsatisfactory parents (to save him from having to explain why he failed to support her disability)- so I was always worried it might be the school or social services ringing about something. It was not because I had any doubts about my parenting.

Or if you have very nosy neighbours, that might be a reason.

I don't do it any more.

I dont want people knowing that my dd is home alone due to busy bodies interfereing with my choices and my judgments and frowning at them.

there are a few on here that think because I would leave my dd in the house that I dont think she is precious. Of course I do but it seems as my parenting ideas are different they are critised.

If you want to keep your dc in sight 100% of the time - then that is your choice. I don't agree with that choice and have particualr views on it. So would prefer that I wasn't frowned upon for my choices of parenting.

It is hard at times to let our babies do their own thing - but we cant keep them as babies forever and what makes it harder is thoses that will not let their children go and then frown and make accusation of thoses that do.