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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

194 replies

JackJacksmummy · 08/02/2009 21:15

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

OP posts:
christywhisty · 09/02/2009 10:10

My DS 13 has nut and seed allergy, to me it is important that he was more independent rather than mollycoddled,he also was still having febrile convulsions when he 10.5 but it was one every 2 years and the first sign he was ill. He has to go to school by train by himself since he started secondary.
I think you have to weigh the benefits against the risks.
He is a lovely confident boy who is willing to try anything and can cope in any situation.

belgo · 09/02/2009 10:14

I think most nine year olds should be sensible enough to cope with being alone for 40 minutes during the day. As long as you don't leave any clothes drying with an electric heater.

Dropdeadfred · 09/02/2009 10:14

I think when your children start secondary school is a reasonable age to leave them alone for short times.

christywhisty · 09/02/2009 10:24

But the independence of secondary school imo is something that needs to be prepared for.

magicfarawaytree · 09/02/2009 10:29

yanbu - he is not next door but one but a distance away, 40 mins can easily turn into 1.5 hours. We will be subtly build up our childrens level of independence. I was a fairly sensible child but did manage to pull the toilet of the wall, set fire to the spare room, set fire to the grill, climb out on high roofs......

hippipotamiHasLostThreePounds · 09/02/2009 10:30

If you climbed out onto a high roof you cannot have been that sensible magic

Dropdeadfred · 09/02/2009 10:31

yes, so during the school holidays (betwen primary and secondary) I left my dd home alone for 10 min, then 20-30 mins. Then an hour etc etc...we had 6 weeks of gradually building up to being home lone for an hour or so before i got back from work.

belgo · 09/02/2009 10:36

Magic -if that's your idea of 'fairly sensible' - then what's your idea of not sensible?

Lotster · 09/02/2009 10:37

YANBU - on foot to the shops for 5 mins is good practice for trusting her, and very different to your husband getting in the car where and accident could happen, leaving her alone and unsure of what's happening for much longer. Even if she didn't touch anything, she may be tempted to open the door to someone who was clever enough to persuade her to.

Obviously someone might say "accidents can happen on foot" but statistically, leaving her alone whilst he goes off in the car is much higher risk.

hatwoman · 09/02/2009 11:45

so, because you might have an accident in the car it's best to make sure dd is with you. better risk her being involved in a car accident than risk her sitting at home on her own .

and - Immediately - thanks for the patronizing passive-aggressive advice. being the kind of person who thinks these things through rationally it hadn't occured to me to leave more than one number...if this thread shows anything it's that people that do leave young children do so carefully, thoughtfully and sensibly.

Dropdeadfred · 09/02/2009 11:52

I was left to walk home on my own from aged 8..and also walk my brother who was a year younger. Then we went into an empty house, I hated it.

Lotster · 09/02/2009 12:01

Crikey Hat, who peed in your cornflakes??

Splitting hairs a bit non?

georgimama · 09/02/2009 12:05

I'm with hatwoman, and seeker, and Anna (and anyone else who said the same things).

It depends on the 9 year old. It depends on the time of day. It depends on how long you will be gone. I don't think your DH was asking an unreasonable question. Poor man.

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 14:13

Lotster - why did you say this to hatwoman? Splitting hairs about what exactly??

Hatwomans response was perfectly reasonable and I agree with her. All these people who are worried about being in a car accident while away from home - why is it better to have your child with you than safe at home with phone numbers they can call if they start to get worried???

The risk of a fire - unless your child cannot follow the simplist of instructions (no cooking) then why all of a sudden does everyone think the house is about to go up in smoke. Also, if your 9 year old is not able to get out of the house and raise the alarm, then IMO you need to look at the way you are mollycoddling bringing them up.

Dropdeadfred - you have my sympathy. However, I had the opposite, I had to go to a CM and hated it - would much rather have been allowed to go to my own home. One day a week we were allowed to and I would then walk my little brother home and take him to football practice - absolutely loved the freedom... However, neither of those situations are relevant to the OP.

I'm not saying it's terrible if you don't start doing it at 9, but you have to at some stage and risk assessment is not about just assuming the worst of one situation (leaving them home) and not considering the other situation (risk of taking them, them not learning to look after themselves etc, age appropriate responsibility (someone else posted this earlier and said it much better - sorry can't remember your 'name')).

PurpleCrazyHorse · 09/02/2009 14:23

I also agree with the majority. Life has risks and when the time comes, I'd like to teach my kids how to make good decisions and to know they are responsible.

It's wise that this starts gradually and only the parent can decide if the child can cope with 5 mins one week to 20-40 mins the next. But what confidence it could give her to cope while alone and prove herself as a child growing up. As others have said, this is the positive side.

Maybe DH could have called when he got there and rung just as he left. Another friend or family member could have been told in case of an accident and 'stood down' when DH arrived home. I was always told to go to our neighbour if needed (they knew I was at home alone) and I did once. It was simply a strange car parked outside but it proved to my mum I was responsible. I was scared and made a good decision. The car was nothing suspicious at all, just a 10 year old's over-active imagination!

Lotster · 09/02/2009 15:42

Hello chippingin - because I found her response rather chippy, and, well, because she was splitting hairs... ?

mrswoolf · 09/02/2009 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ByTheSea · 09/02/2009 16:05

I wouldn't think twice about leaving my very mature and sensible DD1-9 alone for that length of time, but I still wouldn't leave DS2-12 home alone for any length of time. It so totally depends on the child.

christywhisty · 09/02/2009 16:11

do your let your 11yr old do anything by herself Mrswoolf?
Also agree with Hatwoman

fillybuster · 09/02/2009 16:16

Really interesting thread...as always, its amazing how there's a clear split in MN'etters opinions! fwiw, I'd be very surprised if I'm not leaving my ds (currently 3.5) on his own, or possibly even [whispers] in charge of his siblings, when he's 9.

Depends on the child, of course...if he loses his sensible streak and turns out to be very head in the clouds then I might leave his sisters (who would be 7 by then) in charge instead . I was regularly left in charge of my 4 yr old sister at that age and knew perfectly well what to do. I travelled home across London on 2 buses (followed by a mile long walk) from the age of 6 and fully intend to bring my dcs up with as much of the same degree of independance with which I was entrusted. The result was that when I (and later my sister, who came home an empty house every day from the age of 12 because I was away at uni and both parents were at the office and who hated it when my mum tried to organise some 'company' for her) left home at 17 for uni, I was already pretty good at looking after myself and had been given all the tools necessary to make sure I didn't go totally off the rails as soon as I had my own money and place for the first time. I even knew how to sort my laundry and use the hoover .

For those of you who wouldn't leave your kids, why the high-falutin' moral tone? I don't understand how not being able to trust your kids to behave sensibly on their own for a bit proves that you're a better parent...

hatwoman · 09/02/2009 16:17

has to be said that I agree with whoever it was that said leaving them - especially for the first time is horrendous. It was the right up there in the top 5 most stressful half hours of my life - but that's just being human/a loving parent and it's quite irrational. stress levels - as we feel them - are not proportional to real risk.

sorry if I've been harsh but I really don't like the accusation that leaving them is selfish/lazy (someone made that lower down) and I don;t like patronising advice.

countingto10 · 09/02/2009 16:24

OK here goes. I have just left my 9 yr old DS home on his own whilst I collected two other DSs from nursery and school.

I had to collect 9 yr old from school earlier today as he didn't feel well (high temperature, flu type thing). I asked him if he wanted to come with me (hissing down outside) and he said no he would rather stay in the warm and dry, with the telly on.

I took the decision to leave him - he is quite sensible (had 'phone nos etc). My mum ok'd it too - I used to take my 5 yr old brother to the cinema on the bus to the next town on my own when I was 10.

He has survived (no fire, no pervert let in the house etc) - was I wrong to it ? I don't think so. BTW I was gone 30 minutes.

Dreyfus · 09/02/2009 16:26

My mother (a widow) worked shifts, and from the age of 9 onwards I was left alone froms chooltime till 10:30pm several times a week. Seemed perfectly normal to me. I used to go and buy and cook! my own tea, do homework and watch TV.

Goodness me, we do get very wound up these days about perfectly capable children being on their own for a short time. Have children regressed or something, so that they're all comparatively much less mature than they were a generation ago?

SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 09/02/2009 16:30

Hmm kids have to learn how to cope with being alone at some point in their lives.

I see nothing wrong with leaving a nine year old at home for fourty minutes. Presuming they know the basics like fire = bad, leave house immediatley and call 999.

seeker · 09/02/2009 17:08

So - apart for that fact that OBVIOUSLY the house is going to catch fire in the precise 30 minutes you are out, what are all these "anythings" that are going to happen?

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