Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

194 replies

JackJacksmummy · 08/02/2009 21:15

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 09/02/2009 18:57

I might be wrong, but have most of the YANBU responses been posted by parents of children younger than 9?

Because no way would I have left my dcs at 5&7. But at 9 (DD is now 10) my daughter was perfectly sensible and intelligent and entirely rational. We asked her if she felt comfortable being left alone for a few minutes and she gave us a withering look. From that we deduced that she would be fine. And she was.

At what point do the naysayers propose ever to leave their children alone? Because i think far more dangerous things can arise from leaving a teenager home alone than a sturdy, intelligent and sensible 9 year old ...

piscesmoon · 09/02/2009 18:59

It depends entirely on your DC. I left mine but they were sensible, they had rules and I knew they would stick to them.

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 19:33

My DD is 4.3 and I regularly leave her alone to go shopping/put out rubbish/recycling/collect drycleaning for 10-15 minutes.

My DSSs are 13 and 11 and often spend quite long periods at home alone.

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 19:41

15 minutes is too long IMO for a 4 year old child to be alone in the house, I am really taken aback to hear that Anna. It's not whether SHE is sensible enough (which is debatable, given just four years experience of the world) but whether she can deal with the unexpected that can and does happen in houses. Callers, leaks, fires. It doesn't bear thinking about. Why on earth don't you just take her with you?

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 19:44

Because she doesn't want to come - she would rather stay at home.

We live in a flat and there aren't "callers".

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 19:51

No, but there are windows, water, heat sources; all kinds of things. I just don't get how you can think it is worth the risk. A close person to me lost their 3 year old through an accident in the home (with a blind cord) so the agony and waste of it all strikes home to me. You may judge there is minimal risk and I know from other threads on here that someone will pipe up and say there's more risk crossing the road; but to me there is a difference between that and leaving a child who is so young as to be almost completely vulnerable to the unexpected.

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 20:02

She's quite sensible .

Dropdeadfred · 09/02/2009 20:03

My God, 4 years old...alone?

FairLadyRandySlut · 09/02/2009 20:05

hmmm...4 year old alone, as in without the older siblings being there?

Sidge · 09/02/2009 20:06

I think most of the posters saying they would never leave a 9 year old alone don't have a 9 year old, but much younger children!

Until you see your own child mature and develop you can't understand how they can be left alone. You can't look at your 4 or 6 year old and imagine them being left alone for half an hour because they are too young. When you have an older child you know how much you can trust them.

I have no problem leaving my just-10 year old for half an hour. She is sensible and trustworthy and knows who and how to call for help should she need it.

Actually I leave her on the computer/in front of the telly/with her Nintendo for half an hour and when I get back I'm not even sure she has blinked, let alone moved

FAQinglovely · 09/02/2009 20:07

DS1 was walking to the shop for me just after he turned 8, then up to school (both about 5 minutes away). I had also left him alone while I went to the shop with the younger DS's before that.

We've just movd and the local shop is a little bit too far for him to feel comfortable yet (about 10 minutes walk) but I'm sure in a couple of months he will be doing that.

From YR4 onwards at the Junior school they are trusted to walk home or wait in the school playground (without teacher supervision) at the end of the school day.

I think leaving it until they hit senior school to promotoe and encourage independence is far too late. What bloody huge shock my DS1 would get if he goes to the senior school I hope he goes to. I could walk him to town and see him on the bus, but he'd be responsible for walking to the school at the other end (isn't a "school" bus per se) and getting back on it at the end of the school day.

I think it's actually safer to leave your child in the house alone at that age than let them walk to the shop/school/post box.

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 20:07

well, if it's good enough for you Anna

I think it's a complete abdication of your responsibilities when parenting a child in their early years. When a child doesn't want to come out with you on an errand there is a responsibility to do just a little putting yourself out to cajole, or negotiate, or assert yourself, rather than just leave them there. I find your approach really shocking. I hope you get away with it, I really do.

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 20:07

Yes. It happens at least 3x a week . It really isn't a big deal - she just doesn't want to come out on errands after coming home from school and she is enormously busy cutting and sticking and painting and stencilling. I'm more worried about the table than anything else.

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 20:09

Oh well, I think it is a complete abdication of parental responsibility to refuse to let children move ahead and take the next step in their independence when they are clearly ready for it.

The staying on her own came entirely at her own instigation - it would have been very wrong to baby her by refusing to let her IMO.

Dropdeadfred · 09/02/2009 20:09

Well everyone is entitled to their own opnions and parenting style but my heart would be in my throat (and pobably tears in my eyes) for every second if I HAD to leave my dd3 in an emergency, let alone tripsing round the shops...

FAQinglovely · 09/02/2009 20:09

and just to throw more fuel on the fire.

Until we move last week DS2 (who was 5 in November) had been taking himself out of the front door to school most mornings. We did live literally just next door though so he didn't have far to walk, and I knew that he was sensible enough to walk out of our gate and straight in the adjoinging one.

He and DS1 are quite gutted that we've walked a good 10/15 minutes walk from the school and I won't let them walk any of it alone now

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 20:12

My mother used to leave me and my sister alone at home for 15-20 minutes when we were quite young (4 and 7 I think) and we were very sensible. I think it helps children to grow up, to confer responsibility for themselves upon them.

mrsruffallo · 09/02/2009 20:19

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem leaving a sensible 9 yr old home alone for half an hour

tiredsville · 09/02/2009 20:34

9 years old, I'm kinda slowly getting my

head round after reading the other mothers

reply, but at 4 FFS that is outrageous, I

despair!

hatwoman · 09/02/2009 20:57

dropdeadfred - yes my heart was in my throat the first time I did it. and nearly there the second. and I still panic if dd runs out of sight when we're together. but I really don;t think our emotional reactions - probably largely resulting from the stress hormone (can;t remember what it's called) are relevant considerations. being worried and stressed is horrible - but not wanting to put yourself through something horrible just isn;t a reason not to do it, if, like me, you believe it to be good for your child.

magicfarawaytree · 09/02/2009 21:05

Hippi& belgo that only a few instances relative to the number of years that I was a latch key child. Probably from 5 til 15, with an older sister only three years older than me. I was a painfully shy child however when left to my own devices... one fire event was due to a fascination with matches and the other i was trying to cook something and completely forgot but isnt that the whole point. Kids who are sensible 99% of the time can be a liability 1% of time and pay a price. It did make me more streetwise and perhaps a tad cynical.

Leo9 · 09/02/2009 21:31

lets hope you still feel that way if something awful happens anna. It happened at her own instigation - I guess you'll tell the police and social services that if something dreadful happens

You are being disingenuous in implying that by not allowing her to remain unsupervised at 4, you would be babying her. That is illogical and truly ridiculous. There are steps to be taken along the road to independence and this is not an appropriate one for a 4 year old to be allowed to take.

Monkeygi · 09/02/2009 21:32

I agree with all those who say it depends on the child. I didn't let ds1 walk to school on his own until he was 9- and it was literally only a few hundred yards away. In fact, the first few times I followed him, ducking behind cars etc so he wouldn't see me . He did though, and rolled his eyes when he told me kindly, but firmly, to go awaaaaaaaayyyyyy...... He's now 13 and I have left him to go to the supermarket for an hour by car. But I always take my mobile and he usually calls several times asking for this or that! It is horrible, letting go, but it has to be done. Even those who are less than sensible types have to be trusted eventually. (Especially those, maybe....)

MrsSchadenfreude · 09/02/2009 21:32

We were out sledging the other day on the hills behind the house and DD1 (who is 10) was getting really cold and asked if she could go home and make a cup of tea. I said yes, of course, gave her the key and off she toddled. She rang me to say she had got home safely (about 10 minute walk in the snow) and had locked the front door. We were gone about an hour longer than her, and came home to find her curled up on the sofa with her cup of tea, duvet and a book, quite happy and no harm had come to her.

Secondary school is too late to start with this independence lark. It needs to begin sooner, with 5 minutes here and there. My two also walk to the bus stop on their own to get the bus in the morning. They love the freedom.

morningpaper · 09/02/2009 21:35

It really depends on the child I think

Some are sensible and would just bury themselves in a book, others would hunt down some matches

I really think that "Well I hope you think like that when your child burns alive" talk is utter Daily Mail reader rot

Swipe left for the next trending thread