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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

194 replies

JackJacksmummy · 08/02/2009 21:15

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

OP posts:
fryalot · 08/02/2009 22:29

my mum was drying some clothes around an electric heater in her bedroom and a skirt got caught on the element.

Don't remember much about it, except being carried downstairs by a fireman (although that may be a false memory because I can't imagine that she wouldn't have come up and got her herself...)

fryalot · 08/02/2009 22:30

me herself

pointydog · 08/02/2009 22:30

I think you over-reacted, jj. Many parents would have thought this was fine so it was a reasonable request from your dh.

loobeylou · 08/02/2009 22:39

i was told of a neighbour of a friend who routinely leaves her 2 DSs asleep in bed to drive her DH to the station every morning. they are 4 and 6. She is gone 15 mins. She thinks its OK as they wake up like clockwork and are always still asleep when she gets in. But what if she has an accident and does not get back in 15 mins? what if one of the DC woke up ill, or fell down stairs, or panicked about where she was and went outside?

I also heard a mum on the brownie pick up saying she had left the dinner in the oven and her 4 yr old home alone. We had already been stood waiting for the brownies 10mins at that point.

I will never understand some people.Utterly utterly irrresponsible IMO (even tho I know mum left me ill in bed when i was about 8 with the cat to look after me while she popped to the shop). It is not a risk I would ever take.

FairLadyRandySlut · 08/02/2009 22:47

dropdeadfred...I get your point, but think seeker might meant it more in a general riskassesment sort of way...I might be wrong, of course....

Squonk....that is scary...obviously one should avoid any obvious fire hazhards...

nooka · 08/02/2009 22:48

I think it depends if you live your life by the "what ifs" or you make judgements depending on the circumstances. I would now happily leave my eight and nine year old for half an hour with no great qualms. Longer than that and they are liable to argue and get upset (with each other). Yes something terrible could happen, and I would feel awful, but it is also part of them growing up and becoming independent. I wonder what the statistical likelihood of a fire is (in an ordinary house, where no one smokes and the wiring is up to date) not that high I suspect.

MrsPurple · 08/02/2009 22:51

I couldn't leave my dc. I have nearly 4 and nearly 6. I take DH to station every morning, but I always take them with me. loobeylou do I know you .

children are so precious and anything could happen or anyone could come to door.

I hate leaving them in car when i nip into shop (and I can see them at all times).

This only happens if it's raining etc or they are asleep.

Jackjacksmummy YANBU, you are showing commonsense and thought.

It's too late after the event if something did happen

mommycat · 08/02/2009 22:51

My friend in the US left her 4 kids alone for about 20 minutes while she drove DH, DD and me to the train station. The oldest kid was about 9. Nothing happened but I think the kids were a bit freaked out cos they'd never been left.

A friend who is a single mum with a 12 year old (one child) only jsut started leaving him while she pops to the shops.

Depends on the kids and the situation and of course the risk that something could happen to the PARENT while they are out - 20 minutes could be a lot longer if you crashed your car while out.

FairLadyRandySlut · 08/02/2009 22:54

erm purple 4 and 6 is different though....

hatwoman · 08/02/2009 22:55

dd is 8 and has been left alone for about 40 minutes. I give her clear instructions not to answer the door. I leave my telephone number, dh's and my mum's. and I only do it if she's engrossed in something.

I truly believe that the safest thing to do with our children is teach them independence gradually. and 8/9 is - depending on the child - the right time to start.

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2009 22:57

'Talking about fire safety in the home, Sheila Merrill, spokesperson for the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA), said: "In recent years, smoke alarms have made a major contribution to reducing the number of people killed and injured in house fires. Sadly, however, lives are still lost, and in 2006 nearly 300 people were killed in accidental house fires across the UK.'

300 people...that could be seen as 6 every week.

muggglewump · 08/02/2009 23:05

I started leaving my then almost 7 yr old for ten minutes while I popped to the shop in the summer. Now I just get her to go for me

She's fine though, she walks to school with a friend and the shop is half the distance (2 minutes across one easy to cross road). I trust her not to touch anything or answer the door.
The only oher place I'd really have to go is town and I wouldn't do that yet, but perhaps by the time she's 9 I'll be fine about it for an hour.
I'll see how I feel then.

nooka · 08/02/2009 23:13

Six out of how many tens of millions? In what circumstances - how many were caused by arson, or cigarettes? That would seem to me to confirm a very low risk.

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2009 23:15

Low risk until it's your child I guess. They were just the people who didn't survive, imagine the terror of being in a fire even if you are then rescued...

and fire is just one risk.

Mummyella · 08/02/2009 23:22

Depends on the child. Make sure they know how to get help if needed. Instructions on what they can do / cant do e.g. fry chips, throw a party

I think we are a bit too worried about this kind of stuff.

In the hugely unlikely event of a daytime fire she would almost certainly just walk out throught the front door, surely.

When my Mum fell and injured her knee looking after my 2 year old (couldn't move and a pan left on the stove) my little one went and got her the telephone, got the door keys, pulled up a chair and posted them out throught the letterbox to let a neighbour in. I think kids can do more than we give them credit for sometimes.

Dropdeadfred · 08/02/2009 23:22

The NSPCC advise childrrn under the age of 12 should not be left alone here

nooka · 08/02/2009 23:28

In Canada they offer babysitting courses to eleven year olds, and it is normal for eight year olds to make their own way home after school so there is obviously something cultural at play here (given that the risks are probably very similar).

Dropdead I'm not saying that any death from fire isn't tragic, just that as a risk it probably isn't that high when decision making. Everyone's tolerance for risk is different though. What I might think is a sensible decision someone else might think is quite negligent (and vice versa).

Fimbo · 08/02/2009 23:29

I left my dd once when she was off school ill to go and collect ds from playgroup. She must have been about 8 at the time. I was only gone about 10 minutes but they were the worst 10 minutes of my life.

Mummyella · 08/02/2009 23:30

Recommendations like NSPCC have to take into account the most immature and unpredictable children. I think parents know their children best. Of course there are limits.

There will always be irresponsible and selfish parents too but i think these are a tiny minority.

lisaofpalatine · 08/02/2009 23:33

its a personal decision that we make considering where we live, the dangers the mentality of the child - and the cultural pressures.

there isn't a magic answer that everone will agree to

however i think that 20mins is ok depending on the child - my daughter - a resounding yes. my son a definate NO!

and unfortunate circumstances can befall us at any time, an airoplane might drop on you , you might get run over by a car fall over and bang your head on a wall and die.... you see the point

Jux · 09/02/2009 00:09

I am quite happy to leave my 9yo dd alone in the house for half an hour or so (actually, she's not really alone as my mum lives on the 3rd floor, but if dd's downstairs and mum's upstairs, dd might as well be alone). She's a sensible girl and there are neighbours all around. She knows not to answer the door or the phone, but she's got a mobile so we can call her if necessary, and she's got my mobile no. so can call me.

We let her go out for a walk by herself on Saturday afternoons too.

jasper · 09/02/2009 01:08

Have often left my 8 yo home alone for 20 min.
Was it really fair of you to go bersesk at dp?

Is he your child's father and is his view not as valid as yours?

JodieO · 09/02/2009 01:28

No I don't think it's ok to leave a young child alone for that length of time. It's not just 2 mins into the garage, or getting something from the car, 20 mins is a long time. If anything happened to a child when they were left alone at that age you'd be liable as well under the law. It's a risk you don't need to take quite frankly and I just find it selfish and lazy that people would leave their young child alone for that length of time, during which anything could happen.

seeker · 09/02/2009 05:24

So, a perfectly competent sensible 9 year old is curled up on a bean bag watching TV. She has been told not to try to cook anything or answer the door. Exactly what is this "anything" that could happen to her in the 20 minutes she's left alone? An aeroplane falling on the house? Zombie invasion?

SkittlesAreFruitGroup · 09/02/2009 06:01

Nope, just can't see myself agreeing with your DH - YADefinitelyNBU. Although mine are only 4 and 2 so a wee while to go until I can see if I still believe it's a shocking idea.
I have to agree that it seems all fine and dandy until something happens, and you end up a headline along the lines of "fire rips through suburban home, parents nowhere to be found", although I agree that fire is a sensational example and rarely happens, until it happens to someone you know.

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