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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

194 replies

JackJacksmummy · 08/02/2009 21:15

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

OP posts:
Devendra · 09/02/2009 06:12

I left my DD when she was 9 to just pop out occasionally. She was sensible and had my and friends mobile number written down... as long as she didnt try to cook or answer the door.. really dont see what the problem is.

hatwoman · 09/02/2009 09:11

these accusations of being lazy and selfish are ridiculous and really annoy me. I leave my 8 year old on her own for short periods of time, not because I can;t be bothered to make her come with me but because I completely and utterly believe it's the best thing for her. It's the best way of giving her the tools she needs to grow up into a responsible, rational, older child and then adult. (with a proper understanding of risk and a realistic view of the world out there)

The thing about risk that so many people seem to forget is that just looking at the risk of "something" (whatever that is) happening is not the rational calculation to make. You are measuring two situations - you need to look at the downside of leaving them, plus the risk of that downside coming about compared with the downside of not leaving them, plus the risk of that downside happening. I have made a considered calculation that the downside of not leaving them and the risk of that downside coming about is so high that leaving her - for short periods and occasionally - is better. The downside of not leaving her includes failure to introduce independence at a suitable age; giving my child a message that she is not yet capable of looking after herself and she has to depend on me; giving her the message that paedophiles knocking on the door and household fires are likely events rather than unlikely scenarios for which she does have tools to help her (ie by not trying to cook on her own, going to the neighbours for help, not answering the door, phoning the police if someone broke in etc); and the risk of this downside coming about is certain.

and I think the NSPCC advise is frankly ridiculous - and I'm quite shocked by it.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2009 09:19

I'm happy to leave my 9 yo alone for 20 minutes. I leave the back door unlocked as an extra way out, my phone number is the first one programmed into the phone (and I either have a note in the car saying he's at home or let a friend know )

I wouldn't leave DS2 (7) or DD (3)

Yes, bad things can happen but they can happen at any time. Realistically, the chances of anything happening are very low but I do take them into account.

So, YABU to be so shocked. Bad things can happen even in the 5 minutes you leave her to go to the shop.

HSMM · 09/02/2009 09:27

I wouldn't leave my DD aged 9, but I know that I used to walk to school on my own through the woods when I was 7, so .....

BonsoirAnna · 09/02/2009 09:29

Another loopy thread about not leaving perfectly sensible children at home alone for even a second...

BalloonSlayer · 09/02/2009 09:31

I will leave my 8.5 year old alone for 015 mins while I pop out BUT so far I have not had the courage to leave him alone while I drive anywhere, in case I break down or have an accident and can't get back to him.

But I am working on this fear and hoping to have overcome it by the time he is a bit older.

It's useful to try and get him to think. Rather than saying: now then, if this house catches fire, do this, this and this - Saying instead: if the house caught fire, what would you do? has produced some hair-raising replies and consequent useful discussions.

duchesse · 09/02/2009 09:32

She is 9 for pete's sake! Obviously you know your own child better than I do, but how senseless can she be not to be able to be left alone for a few minutes????

BalloonSlayer · 09/02/2009 09:33

PMSL - I meant to type 10-15 mins. It looks like I plan it all with military precision: "DS, I'll be away for oh-fifteen-minutes."

hippipotamiHasLostThreePounds · 09/02/2009 09:34

I leave ds aged 9 for up to 20 minutes whilst I nip to teh church across the road to get dd from Rainbows.
We don't have any electric fire type things, the oven and hob are always off. He knows not to open the door or the phone.
Tbh, the naughtiest he gets up to is sneak a choccie biscuit from the barrel and squirrel teh wrapper away in this trouser pocket!
I also let him walk to the shop on his own (4 mins walk max) to get milk or bread if we have run out. I also let him walk to school on his own in the summer holidays when they open teh school pool to pupils. It is a 10 minute walk crossing two roads (one is a high street with a level crossing and one is a small residential road)
In another 18 months he will be going to secondary school on his own. He needs to learn a modicum of self-sufficiency before this point.

duchesse · 09/02/2009 09:35

I was routinely left in charge of my four younger siblings at the ages of 7, 8 and 9. At 10 I was able to keep myself entertained for an entire day alone in an unknown city. We do not let our children have enough experience of coping alone nowadays.

southeastastra · 09/02/2009 09:36

lol agree with anna

christywhisty · 09/02/2009 09:37

I think people take far more risks everytime they put their child in the car. Thousands of children are killed in accidents on the road every year.

purpleduck · 09/02/2009 09:37

I also would consider leaving my 9 yo ds - he is very sensible.
My dd would be a bit freaked out, so I will see.
BUT
If we never let our children make decisions, HOW can they ever form good judgement?

mumto2andnomore · 09/02/2009 09:41

I wouldnt leave my 9 year old alone in the house at all, she is far too precious for me to take the risk.I would be terrified that would come home to fire, intruders, or for her to have disappeared.Too many things could happen that would be out of her control.

In one way I envy those of you that could do it,I see the danger in everything and always imagine the worst senario. On the park Im terrified if I cant see my children and always hold their hands in busy places so they dont get lost.It must be nice in one way to be so relaxed though I still dont agree with leaving children home alone.

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 09/02/2009 09:45

Can't really believe you're cross with your DP for phoning you and asking - leaving aside whether you should leave a child alone, at least he did ask.

Ok, so he shouldn't have got stroppy when you said no, but plenty of people might have just done it and told you later.

My Ds is nearly 3, so I have no idea if I'd leave him at home when he's 9 yet, but I'm fairly certain my mum left us for very short periods at that age. I think I might even have been cycling to school by myself at that age.

purpleduck · 09/02/2009 09:49

our children are precious to all of us mumto2. I think my fundamental job as a parent is to prepare them for life - and to me that means that they need to have responsiblity, and to make decisions. But everyone has to do that in their own way, and in their own time.

girlandboy · 09/02/2009 09:49

I left dh and the dc's on their own just before Christmas.

Dh set the chimney on fire!

He's 48 by the way!

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 09:52

YABU to have had a go at him and to have 'left work pretty sharpish afterwards' as well. You had started leaving her, he was just asking if you thought this was ok... then when you said 'NO', didn't trust him not to so left work to come home and check? - Yeah, that's pretty unreasonable.

As for leaving her home alone, you say yourself she would be fine (about your 3rd post), it's just you were worried what social services say...

So, you yourself think she would be fine, doesn't that make it particula'Guidrly unreasonable of you to be so judgemental of your husband just asking if it was ok??

As to whether any 9 year old should be left alone for 20-40 mins... well, totally up to the parents as they are the ones who know what their children are able to cope with and what they aren't.

immediately · 09/02/2009 09:53

I hope the parents who leave their kids at
home give their dc alternative numbers to
contact other then your own, incase you are involved in an accident, unconcious and taken to hospital, whilst DC is sat at home wondering when you are coming home.

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 09:56

girlandboy - don't you know the rules?? Always leave the children in charge of Daddy to make sure he doesn't do any silly things like light fires . Kids are wayyyyyyyyyyy more sensible!!

girlandboy · 09/02/2009 09:58

Came home from work to find 5 burly firemen tramping through my house. Life has it's compensations!

BalloonSlayer · 09/02/2009 10:00

Slight hijack - have any other people on here got DCs with severe food allergies?

Does this make a difference?

What advice do you give them?

(I just told DS - don't eat anything apart from what we'd discussed. He's very sensible about food though. But I didn't discuss any medical procedure because . . . well, it was 10 mins)

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 10:02

particula'Guidrly....?? lol even particularly....

mum2 (and others) it has nothing to do with how precious the children are or how neglectful/silly/uncaring etc some parents are being . Have you read the other posts? It's about when you start to let your children grow up and take some responsibility and how/when that is best done... don't assume people think their children are less precious than you think yours are simply because they realise they can't have them tied to the apron strings their entire life....

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 10:05

girlandboy...hmmm see - rules are meant to be broken

ChippingIn · 09/02/2009 10:05

girlandboy...hmmm see - rules are meant to be broken