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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

194 replies

JackJacksmummy · 08/02/2009 21:15

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackJacksmummy · 09/02/2009 21:40

Thanks for all your replies.....

I guess i'm just over-protective....I should say that when i was younger the house opposite us did go up in flames - my friends house with her sleeping dad and 1 year old baby brother because of a faulty electric blanket.

Afetr that I used to get up in the night and unplug all the plugs in our house, disconnect all the wires because i was soooooo scared of the house catching alight.

I'm not that irrational about it now but obviously there is something deep-rooted in me to make me feel like i do.

OP posts:
Leo9 · 09/02/2009 21:43

oh morningpaper that was a nasty response to a valid view

morningpaper · 09/02/2009 21:46

Bit it ISN'T a view: telling someone 'well I hope you think like that when something awful happens to your children' is just an emotional bludgeon

there is no argument

cat64 · 09/02/2009 22:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jemimacrow · 09/02/2009 22:11

Assuming the four year old is not for real.

I think regardless of lots of posters thinking it is okay to leave 8 and 9 year olds alone. I think that social services would have something to say on the matter if there did happen to be an accident.
Of course it's not going to happen to your dcs is it, sorry

mumeeee · 09/02/2009 22:18

I think you over reacted. 20 minutes for a nine year old is fine.

Original poster
JackJacksmummy · 09/02/2009 22:19

because cat64 - DD is not DPs biological child and whilst i do trust implicitly with her as i do our boys, I think he knew what i would say even before he phoned me. My daughter was also feeling unwell that morning before i left for work.

OP posts:
tiggerlovestobounce · 09/02/2009 22:23

My 4 year old often insists on being left alone in the house too, but there is no way I would leave her alone, it just wouldnt be safe.
My oldest DD is 6, and would probably be perfectly capable of managing on her own for a few minutes, but I think I will leave it for a couple of years yet before I let her be on her own in the house.

Times have changed though, when I was 7 I was walking to school and back on my own, and from when I was 8 I was coming home from school, and then was in the house alone until my mum got back from work after 5pm. That sort of thing wasnt unusual then.

morningpaper · 09/02/2009 22:24

talk about AIBU by stealth

mumeeee · 09/02/2009 22:29

BonsoirAnna I have just seen that you leave your 4 year old at home alone. A 4 year old is much to young to be left alone. Just take her with you even if she says she does not want to come.

LongtimeinBrussels · 09/02/2009 23:01

I think it not only depends upon the child, it depends upon the parent. I still haven't left my nine year old alone and certainly won't let her go anywhere on her own but that's most probably more down to me than her. Some years ago, our neighbour's house went up in flames when the TV caught fire and their 16 year old daughter was alone in the house. I got back to find the ambulance outside the door so went to comfort her as her parents weren't back from work yet. She may have been 16 but she was a complete wreck. This has stayed with me and has made me loathed to leave my children. Mind you, we left our then 19 and 17 year old sons alone for a week last summer and I think that might have been more dangerous than leaving our 9 year old alone!! I had to leave the (sensible) 17 year old there to keep an eye on the 19 year old . The neighbours were delighted when we returned (they were well-behaved really!).

Oh and the not letting her go out on her own, I still can't forget the Detroux horror here in Belgium, irrational as that might be, and therefore accompagny her everywhere. I'm not concerned however about her not having enough independence as the time will come, only too soon, that she will ask for more independence and hopefully by then I'll be happy to let her have it. My 20 year old is now studying in the UK, nowhere near any family members, while we're still over here in Belgium. Not leaving him/letting him go out on his own at the age of 9 has not held him back in any way on the independence front.

ChippingIn · 10/02/2009 01:22

JackJacksMummy - I can see why the fire would make you more nervous about things, but it's all about risk assessment isn't it - how many fires are there really and how many 9 year olds are left alone for an hour -quite a big difference in the numbers isn't there

Once again, I'm not saying you should do it, just that I think it wasn't unreasonable of your DH to ask.

Cat64 - I think one parent asking another parent what they think is quite normal. One parent will often be more 'in control' of what happens with the children, simply because often one parent is the primary care giver and often knows a childs ability much better. Also sensible Dads know that Mums make the rules . Just kidding... well, kind of! Seriously though, leaving a child alone for the first time is a big decision (for most people) and I'm not suprised he wanted to ask his wife what she thought (whether bio Dad or not).

JemimaCrow - BonsoirAnna posts a lot, she is 'real' and I think she probably does leave her 4yo DS alone. Re the older children - there are no laws against leaving children home alone - there are links (and other info) on this earlier in the thread. SS would have to prove that you did so neglectfully to have any kind of case and I doubt they could do that unless you maybe left them alone with an open fire or something.

By tiggerlovestobounce on Mon 09-Feb-09 22:23:12

Times have changed though, when I was 7 I was walking to school and back on my own, and from when I was 8 I was coming home from school, and then was in the house alone until my mum got back from work after 5pm. That sort of thing wasnt unusual then.

So why is it now?? Has the rate of house fires rocketed in the past 20/30 years??? What is so different now to then, that we should treat our children so differently to how we were treated?

nooka · 10/02/2009 02:54

Our concepts of risk has changed I think. People feel that there are boogymen around every corner. Also I suspect that it is something to do with how much people move about. In the past most families would have asked a neighbour to keep an eye, and been happy for their child to pop to a neighbour if they were worried in any way. Now many people don't know their neighbours, or feel it would be an imposition to ask, and possibly also that they would be judged unfit parents if they did ask. We are a much less trusting society, which means that we are inclined to err on the side of what if something awful happened too much.

seeker · 10/02/2009 06:27

I read an amazing book recently called "Freakonmics" A sentence stuck in my mind "The things that scare us are not the things that kill us"

kittywise · 10/02/2009 06:46

Only read the first few posts and I think you are making a huge fuss over nothing. 20 mins for a 9 year old is fine.
perhaps you are too over protective.

FairLadyRandySlut · 10/02/2009 06:54

Anna....my mum left us alone in the night (we lived in a block of flats), when my sister was 5 and I must have been 1 and stuff....my sister knew to go to a neighbour should anything be wrong....however, with hindsight my mum told me that she now can't believe she did that and should I ever get any ideas like that (not that I would)...she would kill me, because she realises just how irresponsible she was...

Like I said, a 9 year old is one thing...a 4 year old is another...

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 07:06

It's a personal decision IMO, but I would not want to drive off somewhere leaving my kids in the house alone in case I didn't make it back. I would however pop over to a neighbours on the same street for 20 minutes because the kids could easily come to get me if there was a problem, and also I would be able to get back reliably.

seeker · 10/02/2009 07:08

Nobody has yet told me about this scary "anything" that can happen to a sensible 9 year old left alone watching TV for half an hour!

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 07:11

Well, I wouldn't entirely dismiss the fire thing, because the main electrical cable into my house spontaneously combusted once in a dramatic fashion, and we would have lost the house if DP had not have the forethought to grab a car fire extinguisher and nip it in the bud, and if the old asbestos nearby had been removed (which we were scheduled to do a couple of weeks' later). There is no way a 9-year-old could be expected to do that. The point is these things are relatively rare, but when they do happen, they are extremely rapid and serious.

LuLuBai · 10/02/2009 07:19

Errr - TV could spontaneously combust?

No seriously seeker, my mother used to leave me alone a lot. I was a sensible kid, but things can happen. The worst thing that did happen was actually not until my mid-teens and she had literally just popped out to take the bins out. She had put the kettle on before she went to take the rubbish out and then got chatting to a neighbour.

I was in my room when I became aware of thick, foul smoke. Any practical escape route took me via the kitchen so I went in there and could make out that kettle was on fire and the kitchen worksurface had caught fire too. I switched the socket off and threw a blanket over the flames and luckily averted disaster.

But if I had been 9, would I have known what to do? (actually my mother used to leave me alone from about 4)

FairyMum · 10/02/2009 08:01

Of course it is fine to leave a sensible 9 year-old for 20 mins. I think unless its a particularly immature 9 year-old in a particularly dangerous area, I think a 9 year-old SHOULD be left at home.

seeker · 10/02/2009 08:50

Well, that means that a 9 year old shouldn't sleep on a different floor to their parents, or go down to the bottom of the garden alone, or (as I used to) go up into the attic with a book and a tin of biscuits while my mother was probably gardening 2 floors and half an acre away!

It's just bonkers. And I also think it's outrageous that a father isn't allowed to make this sort of decision about their own children. If men aren't treated as equal parents, then mothers can't really moan when fathers don't appear to take responsibilty for their children!

BonsoirAnna · 10/02/2009 09:33

I would certainly never "pop the kettle on" before leaving children in the house alone .

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 09:41

I think the point is it's one thing to be within reasonable shouting distance and another thing to be several miles away in a car.

seeker · 10/02/2009 09:56

But I CERTAINLY don't think a 4 year old should make the decision as to whether they should be left alone or not!