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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP phoned me at work to check if it was ok.....

194 replies

JackJacksmummy · 08/02/2009 21:15

to leave 9 year old DD at home whilst he popped to the in-laws to collect the car.

Obviously i said NO of course not and no car meant he couldn't go out that night so he got stroppy with me!!!!!!

The fact that he thought i would even consider saying yes and had to phone to check wound me up too.

OP posts:
seeker · 10/02/2009 09:58

What is reasonable shouting distance though? In my attic example no-one would have heard me yell as the aliens abducted me, or I was bitten by the tarantula that had come into the house in a bunch of bananas or my foot had fallen off, or any other scary 'anything" that might have happened to me.

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 10:33

I think reasonable shouting distance is hanging over the bannisters and yelling, or yelling through an open window. Proportionate to the age of the kids and so on.

kittywise · 10/02/2009 12:47

What I find really sad here is not the point that the op got irrate about it's the way she saw fit to speak to her dh.

Poor bloke.

You can bet that she'd be on here asap if he gave her a bollocking.
It's not ok to speak to someone like that.

chloesmumtoo · 10/02/2009 13:46

My ds has started secondary and I have to say up until now he has not been left in the house alone!I know Im fairly protective but happy how we have done things. Dont worry lol, he is getting his own independance now and has walked home from school since and gone to the cinema with friends ect. Great to see him growing up suddenly but I do definately feel now is the right age for his independance and wouldnt have been happier earlier than this.

ChippingIn · 10/02/2009 14:06

Boffin, Lulu - you are both right, the 9 year old wouldn't be able to 'fix the problem', but that is not relevant because if Boffins DH and Lulu hadn't been home, the accidents would have still happened and the house might have burnt down, no one is asking the 9 year old to save the house - just get out!

LuLuBai · 10/02/2009 14:30

But if the 9 year old had been in my situation the first escape route was through the kitchen (either that or jump out of a 1st floor window onto paving stones).

BoffinMum · 10/02/2009 14:35

I think my main concern would not have been the house, but the 9-year-old's distress at the whole situation with no parent around.

ChippingIn · 10/02/2009 14:54

LuLu - you managed not only to get out but to stop the fire as well... so a normal 9 year would have been able to get out as well no?

Boffin - of course it's distressing to be in that situation - no one is suggesting otherwise, but statistically what are the odds? I bet the odds of being in a car accident if they go with you are much higher.

Once again, for the record, I am not saying anyone has to do it, I'm pro choice but I am saying that those people that do it, do it with thought and consideration and are entitled to do so and I don't think the OP's DH was being unreasonable

LuLuBai · 10/02/2009 15:22

Yeah - to be honest the fire was still comparatively small when I got to it.

I'm sure the risks of a car accident are waaaay higher than a house fire, but in the OPs case both were being risked simoultaneously.

I do think it was fair enough for the OPs DH to ask. He wasn't sure. He was obviously in two minds about it and I think he did the right thing to run it past her mother. Her mother understandably wasn't happy about it, so it didn't happen.

QOD · 11/02/2009 10:09

my dd is perfecty sensible and grown up, knws not to answer phone etc, but woud never want to be left alone!
She's just timid and fearful (she's 10)
I do let her go out in the village with her mobile phone, and a friend or 2, but with an "only between here and the park" rule. But to be honest, I have to push her to do that!

My mum left us home alone aged 4 and 6 and the house caught fre (chip pan...)
My mum dropped us off at the wrong house for a sleepover - noting happened but now, she can't beleive she drove off without checking!! We left the house and walked the 4 doors down to the right one.

Her and her friend left 5 of us aged 5 to 9 alone in Maidstone whilst our dads were night fishing, and went to Margate by bus.
Around the same time, their friends 9 yr old daughter was abducted, raped and murdered.
Nothing happened apart from my sister threw up all night into a fresh bowl each tme & cried hysterically for mum all night...

My mum can't beleive they did it all LOL

mm22bys · 11/02/2009 10:19

It may only have been 20 minutes, but what if he got held up, or had an accident himself? Then it would obviously be a lot longer than 20 minutes.

I would have suggested that he take your DD with him....

kitkatqueen · 11/02/2009 10:20

I think that the ops dh was actually doing the right thing by calling her. The rules regarding leaving the child had recently changed and he wanted to check with her if this would be ok - not that it is necessarily her choice alone, but it actually shows a definite respect for the op's parenting skills and wishes by the dh. Every family has different rules on what is ok for their children and that is fine, but I don't think the op should have taken that attitude when her dh was checking with her. If he had done it and she had found out later then yes, but not when he purposely rang to check.

It actually implies a level of respect that he gives to her which she does not return.

Hope its all sorted and died down now.

cory · 11/02/2009 13:18

mm22bys on Wed 11-Feb-09 10:19:23
"It may only have been 20 minutes, but what if he got held up, or had an accident himself?"

If he had an accident in the car while having the child with him, then that same child would be in that accident. Hardly keeping her safe.

Considering how many children are killed every year in their parents' cars, I am amazed at how many parents think of this as the safe alternative.

cory · 11/02/2009 13:24

Children have also been killed in house fires trying to rescue their unconscious parents.

I am a very good and caring parent, but I am far from believing that my bodily presence alone is a magic wand that will keep my children safe. If my child is in a car crash, then my presence in that same car will do nothing to save them.

The one thing that will and does save life is a good fire drill. Health and safety regulations drilled into your children before you leave them. A good running through of escape routes, ideally with a practical fire drill. And best of all- no chip pans!

thirdname · 11/02/2009 13:40

ha, dh wouldn't even have bothered to ask me!

branflake81 · 11/02/2009 14:01

Another one who thinks you overreacted.

A 9 year old is not a young child, in my opinion and is certainly capable of being left alone for half an hour or so.

Yes, bad things might happen but that is a risk and life is full of them.

OrmIrian · 11/02/2009 14:03

I think 'berserk' is something of an overreaction. And IME a 9yr old is perfectly capable pf being along for 20mins. Mine were. And they are still with is, not burned to death or minus any limbs. Real issue is whether she would be happy with it.

seeker · 11/02/2009 14:59

"I would have suggested that he take your DD with him.... "

So that, if he did have an accident, she was with him?

pispirispis · 11/02/2009 18:50

I don't know your child, but I do think that a sensible 9 year old could and should be left in charge of themselves for short periods. I think our generation is damaging our children by not allowing them the independence they need to become strong, capable adults and also by passing on our irrational fears to them.

raindroprhyme · 11/02/2009 22:31

threatening people with what a social worker would say if an accident where to happen is completely ridiculous.Apologies to any Social workers but by the recent stories of children dying at the hands of their parents they probably wouldn't say very much.

We are all the best parents we can be and we know our own children best.

The fact that the question was asked 'did i over react?' answers it. You do what you feel is right at the time, thats what being a parent is.

Some children need the freedom others don't need or want it.

by the way did anyone watch that fly on the wall thing about all those kids in that house alone!

piscesmoon · 11/02/2009 22:33

Children live up to our expectations-if you never expect them to be responsible then they won't be. They can be very mature if they are given the opportunity.

mm22bys · 12/02/2009 09:12

Seeker and Cory,

so lets never take our children out with AND leave them unattended in the house...it is safer after all .

There is doubt on here that a 9 year old is old enough to be left on her own. Obviously the OP had the doubt herself otherwise she wouldn't have posted here.

Some have argued nine years is OK, others think not, and that is fine - depends on the child, and your risk profile.

If there was any doubt as to leaving the child, at 9 at home, then obviously the father should have taken her with him.

hatwoman · 12/02/2009 09:23

good post pispiris - spot on.

seeker · 12/02/2009 10:16

mm22bys - I was, I thought, pointing out the absurdity of suggesting that it was dangerous to leave a child at home in case the dad had an accident in his car, so it was better to take the child with him.....!

kettlechip · 12/02/2009 16:50

I used to walk home from school on my own at 6, and had a door key at 9 so I could let us (me and younger sister) in before my mum got home from work. My parents used to leave us for an hour or so in the evening to go out for walks. We were always told not to answer the door, but we were fine and would have gone straight to a neighbour should we ever have needed to.
I agree with the others - depends on the 9yr old, and the surrounding area, risks etc but I can't see the problem with leaving a typical 9yr old for up to an hour - no cause for drama.

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