4-year old excluded of Reception class for biting 3 weeks after starting school... Anyone experienced the same???

[brette]

Hello,

My son is 4 and started reception 3 weeks ago after 12 months in nursery. In nursery, he had trouble settling in but after a while and a lot of patience and encouragement from the dedicated staff, settled in very nicely... with the occasional to frequent bitings. Never in a "malicious" offensive way, more as a "defence"/compulsive/impulsive way when his space is being invaded. Very hard and stressdul for everyone involved (the bitten, the biter, all parents...) But they got it under control after a lot of praising and generally speaking a gentle and psychological approach. He still has to be assessed to see if there's anything related to sensorial issues. He's the youngest of the class, loves school and is extremely bright.
An Early Intervention team got involved, he was observed, the conclusion was there wasn't anything "wrong" with him, many reports were written and before he went to Reception, we had a meeting with the new school child therapist, the Early Year Intervention team therapist, the nursery staff, etc... so that the transition to school would be smooth.

First day at school, the headteacher tells me: "I understand your son has special needs" ...
Second day at school, the teacher tells me: "He bit a child today, is it something he's done before?" I told her nicely to read the report we had taken so much time to make specially for her...
Two weeks later, he bit a child and the child bled. Very shocking and inacceptable. The head called me and asked me to collect him to "punish" him and as he was a danger to other kids. On collecting him, I saw the child therapist of the school who admitted they hadn't been any communication of reports between the nursery and the school. That she had just spoken to the nursery therapist and that she had a better picture of the situation. I said I was surprised they didn't get any of the reports since their whole point was to avoid this very confusion...
And now all the head is telling me is "This behaviour has to stop..." Err, we all agree on that, if we knew how to, we would...

Anyone has experienced something similar?

Sorry very long post, but I feel let down and angry by the whole situation.

So has mine, dd has been beaten up because her brother is a spaz. Ds meanwhile has only been spat at.

See what I mean? Nearly all the comments on here are typically histrionic and over the top. As was the reaction of the 'experts' brought in by your son's nursery (and believe me, no one I've ever come across in the 'Early Years' department of any local authority knows the first thing about kids) and the school's decision to exclude him.

It's mad, and the bottom line is this: your son will stop biting when someone bites him back. Thirty years ago you may well have been advised to do it yourself.

There I have gone and lost my temper now. I hate myself for having told you that dd was beaten up and taunted because her brother has Cerebral Palsy.
But, it was the mocking tone you used when you were saying that you would put both of you in a 'ds has special needs' t-shirt; along with your assumption that I did not understand, especially when I had said in all but two of my posts, that my ds has special needs.
I am going to go and change my name now, as this name feels tainted and I feel dirty for using the S word.
Truly, I wouldn't be suprised if your son has some form of Autism, I hope I am wrong, but thats my gut feeling.
So bitch all you like about me, I have better things to worry about ... and so do you.

But he's been bitten back!!! And I thought at the time "That will show him" It didn't though...

Hang in there Brette. You're doing all the right things. Fixating on what other parents think is really no help to you at all when you get these kind of attitudes. Good luck.

He's a danger, he's dangerous, acts of extreme violence, abusive... FFS we are talking about a little boy of 4 biting, not 14 with a knife... get a grip.

Plenty of kids still 'act out' at this age - pushing, shoving, scratching, teasing etc and no one is saying they should be excluded?!

MilaMae How can you say the school have the right to be angry - angry about what? A little boy has issues that they have been made aware of and yet they have not put strategies in place to prevent it happening/deal with it when it does... they are a large part of why this has escalated to this level, if they had been doing their jobs this could have been avoided.

Brett, if you child had bitten a child in the primary school my dd went to .. well from me, you might of got the sharp end of my tongue, from some of the other mothers, you would probably have got bitten in retaliation (or worse!) naugalessnickerless - Nice ... glad I don't live in your area - sounds delightful. Having a SN childs is hard work and no-one (in their right mind) will deny that, however, it does not give you any special deals on taking/giving out crap.

The headteacher told me that I had to think about his staff Brette - you don't. Of course you feel bad for the child and understand the parents being angry their child has been hurt, but you do not have to take responsibility for the feelings of the schools staff!! Especially despite reports and meetings they have failed in their care of both the 'hurt' child and your DS.

Actually the therapist of the school (she's the one having to tell the parents that their kids was hurt) apologised to me about it so clearly they know they messed up somewhere... At least someone there isn't angry that your little boy isn't getting the help he needs!!

Brette - just ignore the posts from the santimonious posters, you are doing your best to sort it out and no-one can ask anymore of you. I hope none of them live in glass houses!

No, I'm sorry, when I wrote my post I didn't know your child has CP. It was not directed at you at all. I can't put my finger on it but I too think my child might have something. So it's a possibility I am not excluding, but all I wanted to clumsily say was in this case, maybe the way people perceive him would be different, they would be maybe more tolerant, even though he would still be the same child.

ChippingIn, Shells, thank you, thank you, thank you.
bobbysmum07, you shattered the little faith I had in the system ;)

And I just read NNs post about autism. Sorry, but thats a huge assumption to make on the basis of a post about biting.
Probably best not to jump to such conclusions without a bit more information.
Hope you are ok Brette.

The you'll have to wait for him to bitten harder. Or to outgrow it.

Either way, if I were you, I'd move him to another school in another area. The one you're in sounds like a loony bin.

Well Shells I am now thanks to yours and ChippingIn's back to reality interventions.

Bobbysmum - those were the days! LOL. It did work on my little brother and my big cousin.... However, as Brette has said, he was bitten back it didn't work (maybe he wasn't bitten hard enough!?), however, I think with Brettes little one being 4 and it having been a long term problem, it's past the stage where that would be effective.

naughtalessnickerless - he bites, that's pretty much all you know about this boy and you are prepared to say that you think he has autism?! Mighty long jump you have made to that conclusion...

[And we thought about leaving him longer in nursery. But then he might have been bored as he needs a lot of intellectual "feeding" (he can already read both in Engligh and French, write phonetically on a computer, counts up to whatever... all self-taught -well thanks to the buses actually - we don't push him at all)
so we opted for school and he's very enthuastic about it. ]
Brette posted the above at Sat 07-Feb-09 20:32:02 It was his intellect as well as his social difficulties that made me think of Autism

bobbysmum07 I am betting on the outgrowing it. It is already so much better than it used to be. Apart from the bloody bloody incident of course.

Children with autism have a problem pretending. They are very poor at imaginary play. It is not the case of my Ds. Quite the opposite.

He is a 4yo that gets frustrated and angry. He does not have the emotional or social maturity to handle himself in certain situations. However, it does seem that it may be something more serious if the nursery got involved.

My ds2 wan't a biter but he would hit. Luckily (or unluckily) it was contained to his big brother and his good little friend around the corner. It always happened when "provoked" by someone snatching his toy or teasing him. It was never out of malice or intention to hurt. We persisted with closer supervision when playing, explaining why it was wrong and punishment if it occurred. I am thankful to say he is now 5 and has grown out of it.

This comment made by naughtalessnickerless is especially telling

"Next, yes, I am afraid you did understand the saying 'sharp end of my tongue' correctly, I am hot headed I would of been angry, and I am afraid to say I would of probably told you so. but, then so would most people I know, if their 4 year old had been bitten."

You are an adult, yet you state that you would not be able to control your temper in a situation you do not like. But you expect that a 4 yo without the social and emotional maturity of an adult to control himself .

Good luck brette.

So, because this kids bites, he may be autistic?

At the risk of repeating myself, steer well clear of self-proclaimed 'experts' in the field of child development. The only person qualified to diagnose autism (or even offer an opinion on the matter) in a 4 year old child is a developmental peadiatrician. Anyone else should keep their opinions to themselves.

(This, by the way, especially applies to nursery teachers and early years 'experts', who see autism everywhere. Oh, and the poster above, with the special needs child, of course)

Good morning Brette,
I've been thinking about your little boy - I only came on the thread originally to ask how to start a new thread on SPD! Please don't think you need specialists to solve a pretty simple problem.
When you have a toy in your hand and someone else is pulling on it, the easiest way to get them to let go is to bite their hand! If he is biting elsewhere that's odd. There will be other children in his class who hit or push in the same situation and others who simply let go.
You just need to teach him that letting go is the only thing to do. Lots of problems with this as he then loses the toy he was playing with so he'll feel short changed. Can he learn to have the moral highground?! Will his teacher intervene if he tells them what happened? He is biting without thinking so you need to reprogramme this behaviour so he does something else instead. You can only do this by catching him in the act and being very firm when you do! Can you set up some activities with other kids on the weekend so you are the one to witness and intervene? Obviously before it gets to biting point!!!
Your teacher will be in a better position and will see more instances so she/he needs to plan for it (his biting, others hitting/pushing) too, this is why being very firm on snatching is crucial! Also if asking children to tidy up they are only responsible for toys they're playing with and things that are not being played with by others. If your child is still playing with a toy when it should be tidied up it is for the teacher to get him to put it away, not another child's job to take it from him. Your teacher can also teach the children how to react when others take their things.
Good luck!!

ok i have read the whole thread - phew, and really feel for you Brette.

However, i have a daughter who has just started in reception and the thought of her getting bitten by another child would horrify me.
also you say he was "excluded" but in reality he was sent home for the rest of the day, hardly "excluded" for a week or whatever.

My daughter was bitten in nursery and was terrified to re-enter the room when the child was there. i spent mornings coaxing her in and it was really tough so i do feel for the parents. Also to the comments (not by Brette) that "a quick bite what's the big deal makes me wonder if you have ever been bitten? I have by a friend's child - it didn't draw blood but did bruise and i tell you it was agony and painful for days, worse than a bee sting.

So what should you do? I don't know - i am not a child expert but it does sound like you need to sit with the head and teacher, go through the report and get the support/therapist whatever that is required.

Good luck!!

My son is on the autistic spectrum Brette and is good with imaginative play and stories.
It is a spectrum...there is a lot of variation.....i always think of it like a graphic equaliser.

I hope you get your problems with your son sorted out btw...it sounds like apalling communication within the school.

4 is quite late to still be biting, but if it wasn't adequately dealt with sooner, not beyond the bounds of usual I wouldn't imagine. 4 is very young to be in a formal learning setting for many children- they are still toddlers rather than children at that age. Also, the environment of school is very alien to little children. While the oldest in the class may well be urbane little girls with a sophisticated understanding of social behaviour (including how to wind other kids up without being noticed), there will be others who are barely out of nappies, still using dummies etc, whose understanding of what is going on is very limited.

As for son, it sounds like teething troubles at school to me (excuse the pun), but if he seems very immature in other ways, I would frankly consider leaving him in nursery until he is nearer 5.