4-year old excluded of Reception class for biting 3 weeks after starting school... Anyone experienced the same???

[brette]

Hello,

My son is 4 and started reception 3 weeks ago after 12 months in nursery. In nursery, he had trouble settling in but after a while and a lot of patience and encouragement from the dedicated staff, settled in very nicely... with the occasional to frequent bitings. Never in a "malicious" offensive way, more as a "defence"/compulsive/impulsive way when his space is being invaded. Very hard and stressdul for everyone involved (the bitten, the biter, all parents...) But they got it under control after a lot of praising and generally speaking a gentle and psychological approach. He still has to be assessed to see if there's anything related to sensorial issues. He's the youngest of the class, loves school and is extremely bright.
An Early Intervention team got involved, he was observed, the conclusion was there wasn't anything "wrong" with him, many reports were written and before he went to Reception, we had a meeting with the new school child therapist, the Early Year Intervention team therapist, the nursery staff, etc... so that the transition to school would be smooth.

First day at school, the headteacher tells me: "I understand your son has special needs" ...
Second day at school, the teacher tells me: "He bit a child today, is it something he's done before?" I told her nicely to read the report we had taken so much time to make specially for her...
Two weeks later, he bit a child and the child bled. Very shocking and inacceptable. The head called me and asked me to collect him to "punish" him and as he was a danger to other kids. On collecting him, I saw the child therapist of the school who admitted they hadn't been any communication of reports between the nursery and the school. That she had just spoken to the nursery therapist and that she had a better picture of the situation. I said I was surprised they didn't get any of the reports since their whole point was to avoid this very confusion...
And now all the head is telling me is "This behaviour has to stop..." Err, we all agree on that, if we knew how to, we would...

Anyone has experienced something similar?

Sorry very long post, but I feel let down and angry by the whole situation.

I am not at all surprised at the lack of communication. Months after I had been in to tell the school (i.e. headteacher and deputy) about dd's joint problems, leavingt handouts about the condition, I found that her teachers had still not been told. Now I know that with anything out of the ordinary you have to be prepared to tell absolutely everyone yourself.

I do think that the drubbing that brette is getting from some posters is utterly uncalled for She is clearly worried about her son's behaviour or she would not be here asking questions. None of us has perfect children. I am wiling to bet that those of you who think you do probably have children who lie a lot. They almost ALL get involved in spats at school, and almost all behave badly at some point or another. brette has the misfortune of having a child with a very public and frowned-on problem (albeit not a very pleasant problem for the other children concerned). I am quite certain brette and her little boy will sort it out- is there really any need to vilify her and her kid? I think, brette, that I would make a personal apology to the bitten child, explain that he did not mean to hurt him, and maybe pick up a little toy to give to him as a present. I have seen perfectly lovely mothers with children who turned out perfectly lovely after the initial year at school utterly ostracised by the "cool" gang of mothers at the school gate. It is bullying, pure and simple.

How many of the "perfect" children spend their time making and breaking friendships, manipulating others, deliberately excluding others from games, making kids feeling bad about themselves, or deliberately winding up the most irascible kid in the class for fun? Has anybody seen "Boys and Girls alone" recently? I thought the lack of awareness by the parents of how the two little "top dog" madams of how their kids behaved when out of their sight absolutely breathtaking.

My DD1s (3.4) best friend (they adore each other) did bite, now snatches and pushes and has really hurt her in the past, but she still taunts and provokes him and has done since she was just 3 or younger. It is still very transparent but I imagine would be considerably more sophisticated by 4. She obviously thinks the ensuing comotion and attention is worth the incident. I was just the same BTW .

Imagine being 'horrified' by a little kid who bites.

Get a grip, for God's sake.

Absolutely Duchesse.

what duchesse said.

Brette, I definitely agree that your ds needs to learn some alternative strategies to deal with social situations.

I think inviting a couple of (or even one)other children over to play could give you a more structured situation where you can help him practise what to say or do when 'sharing goes wrong', iyswim.

But, even before that, maybe do some onene role play with him. As he has a good imagination, this should help him do this. The aim should be for him to practise what to say or do when in a situation that he has found himself in. Perhaps use the scenarios he has found himself in at school. You could also use figures for this.

I would almost drill him in what to say i.e. give him the sentence to use. Many children need to actually be taught expicitly what to do in social situations rather than learn from their peers as others do.

I used to teach my 2 dcs things like ''please can I have a turn?'', ''I'll give you a turn in a minute'', it's your turn now'', ''when you have finished, can I have a turn?'' and most importantly, get help from an adult rather than argue/bite/hit (my ds used to hit). You may need to check with the classteacher what startegies they use in class to ensure you are all re-inforcing the same things.

It also sounds as though the school senco would be a good person to liaise with as she has shown some sensitivity to the situation. BTW, she will be a teacher at teh school who has special rsponsibility for special needs within the school as opposed to a therapist.

Hopefully, as your ds has been excluded, it might mean that he is a higher priority for any other lea agency involvement e.g. ed psych, behaviour team.

Sorry bit of a long post but was trying to think of something useful that had not been said already!

ooh, I don't know where that stray came from. Should have read one to one.

Ps is sensory therapist an Occupational therapist? They would be the main people to assess sensory integration. Biting is one of the signs of sensory dysfunction.

Google 'sensory integration' and 'sensory processing disorder'. There is lots of info, lots of it american but still interesting.

Brette, maybe you need to tell him off and punish him?
I would be horrified if my child was bitten so hard that he was bleeding.
I wouldn't have sympathy for the parents or the biter to be honest.
And I find your excuses about other children snatching or winding him up a bit hmm

Agree Mrs R.

Look, small kids do not bite with malice. They do it because they are scared/frustrated/confused/looking for attention/whatever, but there is certainly no intent to cause harm.

Horrified? Take a pill. This a little kid who bites, not a teenager looking to stab someone. Save your 'horror' for that.

mrsruffallo Brette, maybe you need to tell him off and punish him? He's been told off, he's been punished, he's ben blakckmailed, he's been assessed, will be assessed more. Of course, of course, and of course.

But they do cause harm.
They hurt other children, in this case drawing blood. There's a fierce bite and imo intending to stop the other child doing something.
What is wrong with being told that it is wrong to hurt other children in this way? Why not tell him off?

Brette, I am really not having a go at you personally. I am coming from the point of view of the bitee.

Brett, I haven't read the thread thoroughly but I did read that you tell him you won't tell him off and he explains what happens then.
I just think consistency and firm boundaries are needed here.
Do you tell him it is absolutely unacceptable?

If the problem was so easy to get rid of don't you think we would have by now?

If the problem was so easy to get rid of don't you think we would have by now?

Mrsruffallo - are are having a go at Brette - how many more times does she need to tell you (and Dandy etc) that he HAS been told off, she has tried many things FFS would you read her posts instead of bleating on about how 'horrifying' it is.... FGS as some of us have said already - save that 'horror' for truely horiffic things.

You have made your point ( though it is), if you haven't anything constructive to say (repeating your POV is not consructive) why not just leave this thread.

Brette has already said she didn't intend to post it in AIBU but in behaviour - she did not come here for a roasting, nor to be told his behaviour is unacceptable (she bloody well knows that), she came here for help and if you can't - why not bugger off.

Brette

Has your son ever grazed his knee badly? Would he remember it?

Try explaining to him that biting someone hard hurts as much as a very grazed knee, and we mustn't do it to other people.

Other than that - the school did the right thing in having a big reaction to this. They did NOT do the right thing in not reading the reports you put together.

Don't concern yourself with the drubbing you are getting here, remember a parent with a perfect child is a parent whose child hasn't done anything awful YET. It's very easy to assume "My child would never..." when your child hasn't to date.

I'm sorry to say that if your child is having behavioral problems, ignorant rants and remnarks from other parents is par of the course. It's just a lack of emotional maturity and empathy on their part - they genuinely cannot imagine how it feels to have to deal with a child who is less than predictable no matter what you do. nod, smile, tell them you're sure he will grow out of it (and he probably will), deal with the actual biting very strongly and clearly, and wait it out.

mrsruffallo He just started school, when these incidents happened, the school didn't know what had happened (didn't ask maybe?) and BECAUSE I am by no means lenient with violence, he knows he would be told off and so wouldn't tell me what happened. Hence the "tell me what happened, I won't tell you off" thing. So I spoke very calmly to him, I explained things thoroughly, we've repeated together the words he has to use in these types of situations... etc I've told him off million times, it doesn't work on this subject. So I am trying to open a dialogue to understand better. Does it make sense?