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Original poster

4-year old excluded of Reception class for biting 3 weeks after starting school... Anyone experienced the same???

348 replies

brette · 07/02/2009 19:19

Hello,

My son is 4 and started reception 3 weeks ago after 12 months in nursery. In nursery, he had trouble settling in but after a while and a lot of patience and encouragement from the dedicated staff, settled in very nicely... with the occasional to frequent bitings. Never in a "malicious" offensive way, more as a "defence"/compulsive/impulsive way when his space is being invaded. Very hard and stressdul for everyone involved (the bitten, the biter, all parents...) But they got it under control after a lot of praising and generally speaking a gentle and psychological approach. He still has to be assessed to see if there's anything related to sensorial issues. He's the youngest of the class, loves school and is extremely bright.
An Early Intervention team got involved, he was observed, the conclusion was there wasn't anything "wrong" with him, many reports were written and before he went to Reception, we had a meeting with the new school child therapist, the Early Year Intervention team therapist, the nursery staff, etc... so that the transition to school would be smooth.

First day at school, the headteacher tells me: "I understand your son has special needs" ...
Second day at school, the teacher tells me: "He bit a child today, is it something he's done before?" I told her nicely to read the report we had taken so much time to make specially for her...
Two weeks later, he bit a child and the child bled. Very shocking and inacceptable. The head called me and asked me to collect him to "punish" him and as he was a danger to other kids. On collecting him, I saw the child therapist of the school who admitted they hadn't been any communication of reports between the nursery and the school. That she had just spoken to the nursery therapist and that she had a better picture of the situation. I said I was surprised they didn't get any of the reports since their whole point was to avoid this very confusion...
And now all the head is telling me is "This behaviour has to stop..." Err, we all agree on that, if we knew how to, we would...

Anyone has experienced something similar?

Sorry very long post, but I feel let down and angry by the whole situation.

OP posts:
broody4baby · 07/02/2009 22:59

Brette by "child therapist of the school" do you mean SENCO?

I am totally for you and DS! What a terrible start for you all! I would make an appointment with the head and SENCO as well as class teacher and ask THEM what they will be offering you DS in terms of support and care.

Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 22:59

Sibble, do you have any strategie to prevent the biting?

OP posts:
Poppycake · 07/02/2009 23:01

I am totally at some of the posters' reactions here. Surely we have to care for all our children? Who are going to become the adults of the future? We can't just slide them under a carpet?

And totally agree with wishingchair - violence can be much easier to deal with than mental manipulation.

The only thing I can add, Brette, is that the equivalent of these posters are probably parents at your ds's school. So you should have your answers ready (and "coach" the teachers' involved - preferably so that they think that it's their idea in the first place. The best form of negotiation I find!). Best of luck with it.

SixSpot · 07/02/2009 23:01

brette I really feel for you, my DS1 (who is 9 now) was a notorious biter at nursery and iirc there were a few incidents in Reception too.

obviously it is quite right for school to take this seriously but I agree that exclusion is NOT the way to go

the school needs to work with your DS, giving him one-to-one support if at all possible, so there is an adult near enough to get in there and stop him if he goes to bite, but also to work with him so htat he can learn to integrate with other children

good luck to you, I know how hard it is, DS1 bit DS2 most of all so I know how it feels to be the mother of the biter and the mother of the bitten!

chegirl · 07/02/2009 23:02

The biting does sound excessive and of course the school need to take action but exclusion?

Surely there has to be something better than that for a 4 year old?

Non of my kids have ever been violent at school but my DS1 was very hyper and boisterous and did collide with quite a few kids in his time. My DS2 has special needs and is fairly vunerable and has no clue how or why he should avoid biters, bullies or pokers. He just gets bitten, bullied and poked over and over! So I kind of see things from both side here.

Not a particularly insightful or helpful post but its late hey?

Hope you get this sorted. I strongly feel that exclusion has to be the very last resort when parent refuse to acknowledge behaviour and do not cooperate.

Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 23:02

Thank God the world is not in Black and white for everyone.

broody4baby, I guess, I'm not too sure. I've realised I need to gather all information possible about what they offer, etc. And also, I will call the woman from the Early Int team who's assessed him and observed him to see what I should do.

OP posts:
broody4baby · 07/02/2009 23:07

Firstly as a teacher I would just like to say that if I had had this report in the summer term I would have had a meeting with you brette (perhaps you should have arranged this?). I would then have ensured that your DS was being watched very closely and any situations which may led to bitting avoided. I think also the nursery must have been concerned enough to envolve Early Int team and very much let your DS down here.
How are his social communication skills generally?

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 23:09

sorry "may have led to"

Sibble · 07/02/2009 23:09

It's easier at home in that I am there. I know the signs of when both ds's were getting over excited, over tired etc and would remove them from the situation. This did mean leaving play dates earlier on occasions.

Both attended/attend day care 3 days/week. Like yourself I have worked with the day care, they were aware of the signs and would remove the ds's, this usually worked, we agreed on a strategy that was followed at home and day care. Both are very sociable children and their punishment was immediate exclusion, so sitting on their own for time out. Personally I found it all very stressful, distressing and was reduced to tears on many occasions. ds1 was also bitten by several children and had blood drawn so I'm also aware of how it feels to have your child bitten.

I think you are doing the right thing working with the school, pushing that. Hopefully you can come up with a strategy that works for all, smaller groups, sitting on own if it does happen. But I really don't think sending a small child home is going to help. Have any of their day care friends moved to school with them - can they be part of their smaller group. Am sure this is not much help but each child responds differently in my experience plus
Imho they just grow out of it.

Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2009 23:14

Brette - I, for what it's worth, do not think your child should be excluded. but I think he definitely needs telling that this sort of behaviour is not acceptable...which is something I'm sure you have repeated to him. I hope your meeting at the school is productive.

Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 23:16

broody4baby, we had a meeting in Dec with the head teacher, the school therapist (SENCO?), the Early Intervention team therapist, his nursery key worker, my DH and myself. At that time, they didn't have a Reception teacher yet. I naively thought this was good and promising.

OP posts:
Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 23:18

But of course we tell him and repeat to him (the whole family does) that it is unacceptable. Of course.

OP posts:
broody4baby · 07/02/2009 23:21

So why on earth has the head behaved like this!

ilovechoclate · 07/02/2009 23:21

Brette....things will get better i promise! i have an 11 yr old who's nursery class were scared of

but i'm happy to say that that phase passed quickly though it didn't seem so at the time.

I now have people telling me how helpfull,polite my son is

just try and be very firm with your son how bad biting is, tell him other ways of showing his frustration such as shouting "no" which really did work for my son until he developed beter social skills.

broody4baby · 07/02/2009 23:21

What did they say they would put in place when he started school?

lisalisa · 07/02/2009 23:22

brette - i feel for you too. My kids have been bitten many times before - my dd1 was a biter for a short while but I hve never taken in it particularly seriuosly. I do IMVHO think that biting is what some kids do and whilst it is distressing and not pleasant its not the end of the world. As someone else said i would be very much more concerned , both as a poster here and as a parent, if a sustained bullying campaign were being waged and the OP was asking how it shoudl be dealt with. In such a case I would be "siding " with the head in exclusion as such behaviour can have a very negative impact but, for heaven's sake, biting insnt in that category. Hurts and bleeds for a moment and tehn forgotten surely?

DandyLioness · 07/02/2009 23:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bobbysmum07 · 07/02/2009 23:24

Parents (especially middle-class parents) get very funny about biting. It's terrible having to face them when a kid's been bitten because they start ranting and raving and blaming the nursery/school. They're so highly strung and high maintenance that they just can't get that kids sometimes (often) do bite for no particular reason, and that you'd have to have super powers to be quick enough to stop them. I can understand the school's point of view on this because it's awful to be on the receiving end of that level of grief.

On the other hand, most kids have outgrown biting by the age of four or so. It sounds like biting has brought your boy quite a bit of attention however. If I were you, I'd try ignoring his behaviour and the advice from all these early years 'experts' for a bit (and by the way, what exactly is a 'sensory therapist'?) and see if that works. Yes, biting is bad, but it's hardly the end of the world, is it?

ThingOne · 07/02/2009 23:28

Brette - I think the crucial thing is never to rely on written reports. You need to take things into your own hands and arrange face to face meetings.

I think by - however politely - telling the teacher to go away and read the report after that first incident you missed a chance to explain to her what was going on. Especially when you know she had just started at the school.

Don't rely on any process or system working. Take it into your own hands and lead what is going on. It's not just them failing to communicate things - you have a role too.

I'm sorry its gone so far so soon. I hope you can start again soon.

Dropdeadfred · 07/02/2009 23:32

Does say here that it is important to reassure both the bitten child's parents and those of the biter.

Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 23:32

broody4baby, I mean the nursery head, not the headteacher was at the meeting.

Re : I know this must be distressing for you, but I can't help feeling that there might have been more to this than you know or are letting on. Like what?

bobbysmum07: we've tried ignoring him, (knowing children seek any attention, even bad ones), we've tried time out (not efficient at all, he didn't care at all), positive reinforcement (ie praising the good stuff, when he uses his words, etc), confiscating priviledges, toys.

OP posts:
MilaMae · 07/02/2009 23:34

I depends on the child,my son didn't just forget it and to him it was the end of the world at the time even though it was just a one off. If it happens repeatedly I think it's quite a serious issue.

I resent it being implied those of us that don't like our children being bitten rant,rave and are highly strung. I personally was very kind/understanding to the parent and child. The pre-school were far more flustered than I was. As far as I was concerned at pre-school the odd biting incident can happen. Persistent biting in rec however is a whole different matter.

naughtalessnickerless · 07/02/2009 23:42

Bobby, I am working class all the way. I have 2 children, one of whom has special needs. If one of them was bitten, and blood was drawn, well I would be fuming, and I would tell the teacher so. And the childs parent, if I found out who they were.

Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 23:44

ThingOne You're absolutely right, I will ask for a meeting with the teacher and the head teacher asap.

OP posts:
Original poster
brette · 07/02/2009 23:45

naughtalessnickerless And then what? What would you tell me that I don't know? That my child's behaviour is unacceptable? I know it, he knows it. That I should get a grip as a mother and do something about it? I think I am. That I should seek professional help for my child? I am too.

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