4-year old excluded of Reception class for biting 3 weeks after starting school... Anyone experienced the same???

[brette]

Hello,

My son is 4 and started reception 3 weeks ago after 12 months in nursery. In nursery, he had trouble settling in but after a while and a lot of patience and encouragement from the dedicated staff, settled in very nicely... with the occasional to frequent bitings. Never in a "malicious" offensive way, more as a "defence"/compulsive/impulsive way when his space is being invaded. Very hard and stressdul for everyone involved (the bitten, the biter, all parents...) But they got it under control after a lot of praising and generally speaking a gentle and psychological approach. He still has to be assessed to see if there's anything related to sensorial issues. He's the youngest of the class, loves school and is extremely bright.
An Early Intervention team got involved, he was observed, the conclusion was there wasn't anything "wrong" with him, many reports were written and before he went to Reception, we had a meeting with the new school child therapist, the Early Year Intervention team therapist, the nursery staff, etc... so that the transition to school would be smooth.

First day at school, the headteacher tells me: "I understand your son has special needs" ...
Second day at school, the teacher tells me: "He bit a child today, is it something he's done before?" I told her nicely to read the report we had taken so much time to make specially for her...
Two weeks later, he bit a child and the child bled. Very shocking and inacceptable. The head called me and asked me to collect him to "punish" him and as he was a danger to other kids. On collecting him, I saw the child therapist of the school who admitted they hadn't been any communication of reports between the nursery and the school. That she had just spoken to the nursery therapist and that she had a better picture of the situation. I said I was surprised they didn't get any of the reports since their whole point was to avoid this very confusion...
And now all the head is telling me is "This behaviour has to stop..." Err, we all agree on that, if we knew how to, we would...

Anyone has experienced something similar?

Sorry very long post, but I feel let down and angry by the whole situation.

And of course it is difficult for the school to have to tell and deal with the bitten's parents. The headteacher told me that I had to think about his staff having to tell the parents of the poor child and how distressing it was for them...

Ha ha! Just read his explanation of what happened, very logical! My little girl bites, she's 20 months and does it when other children have what she wants. Luckily I'm a childminder so I can catch it before or as it happens and can get "cross" when she does and separate her and give reassurance to the other child. I teach her how to get what she wants by asking and giving the child something else as your son did, but I also tell her that if the child doesn't want to hand it over she'll just have to wait her turn.
In fairness to your son it sounds as if he was in the right as the other child was taking without asking. His method of putting things right was wrong though.
These situations will continue to crop up so the best solution is to ensure biting never gets a result and is punished on the spot (by removing from the toys for the time it takes to reassure the victim and then trying to figure out what happened - this is for the teacher to do) - in my opinion if it's not dealt with immediately it's a bit pointless. Obviously you can back it up at home by making sure there are no treats that day and being a bit sad and disappointed.
The teacher needs to credit your son with the intelligence to ask what happened and the other child should also be punished (by not getting to play with the rectangles?). That way your son is reassured that his sense of fairness is correct, but it is not for him to administer punishment.
How come he was able to bite long enough to draw blood? Did nobody have their eye/ears on him/the other children?
I would try to teach your son other ways of getting over the behaviour of others. If he'd have yelled out when the boy wouldn't hand the rectangles back would the teacher have heard? Do they have rules about snatching?
Exclusion?!!!! Pointless!
(I can now post a thread, thanks!)

He was expelled for the rest of the day.
It was his 9th day at school. There had been a few incidents prior to that so yes, they thought they had to be firm. Fair enough. But then to tell me they haven't seen the reports where some strategies were laid out that had been used in an efficient way before... I think it is their job to do so. Or I thought it was. Actually the therapist of the school (she's the one having to tell the parents that their kids was hurt) apologised to me about it so clearly they know they messed up somewhere...

I feel for you Brette, I would ask for an Educational Psychologist to see him asap, ask the Senco to arrange it.

Brett the parents of the bitten children and the school have a right to be angry and concerned.

You have a right to some support when your ds returns but they all have a right to be angry and concerned. I think you need to except that.

charmargot you've got a point. They don't seem to be interested in what happens. Again, I am NOT justifying his biting contrary to what some people might imply. But I guess to understand it you have to know the circumstances. And when I said earlier that I tell him I won't tell him off if he explains what happened, it doesn't mean that I'm all nicey and "oh, my poor child, you've been treated unfairly, you had to defend yourself", and that he gets away with it, just that I want him to be comfortable enough and not scared of my reaction to speak to me about it so that we can work on it.

There is a gap between my first and second post, as I had to go turn my child over in bed.

Brett, if you child had bitten a child in the primary school my dd went to .. well from me, you might of got the sharp end of my tongue, from some of the other mothers, you would probably have got bitten in retaliation (or worse!)

naughtalessnickerless
And what good would that do I wonder. Before getting the sharp end of your tongue, I would like to have the possibility to explain what we're doing to address the problem. That would be much more productive. But that's just me. And by the way, my child has been at the receiving end of agression (unprovoked) and it never crossed my mind to go and see the parents. But that's just me.

DandyLioness, I was wrong in assuming they would do what I was told they would. You're absolutely right. How naive of me! But I've learned my lesson.

Did the teacher ask your son what had happened?
As the person who has to tell parents when their child has been bitten - it has only happened a handful of times, I make blimmin sure the child doesn't get badly hurt by stepping in immediately and situations are prevented when possible.
Of course as his Mum you have a responsibility, but it MUST be dealt with then and there by the teacher.
Your child is clearly intelligent so I'm sure he can understand that biting isn't on, but if his teachers can't be around to ensure fair play of toys I don't blame him for taking the law into his own hands.
You don't need therapy to work that out!
What are the class rules on snatching? I have zero tolerance so we'll get fewer of these problems as time goes on as snatching is the root of most little people tiffs.

Brette, so I am wrong to say I would be angry and give you the sharp end of my tongue if your child bit mine and drew blood ... but, by just pointing out that I would be angry and would tell you so. YOU are giving me the sharp end of your tongue ... tutt tutt, you are not very consistent are you

What are the class rules on snatching? I'll have to check.
After being expelled, there was one more incident where he again bit a child. When they were supposed to tidy up, Ds was still playing with a toy. Another child, wanting to tidy up, tried to take it from Ds who then bit him.
So the headteacher told my son when we were in his office (Ds was mortified, and I was quite pleased about it): "X was tidying up, being helpful when you were not, tyding up when you should have been too and on top of it, you bit him..." And Ds was saying in a tiny voice, head down. "It was an accident, it was an accident..." He clearly knows he shouldn't be doing it.

I agree Dandylioness snatching is common and since it was the cause of Brette's son's violence there's all the more reason for his teacher to make it a general theme. What's the point of dealing with the problem without looking at the cause?
Oh, of course I have zero tolerance on biting/hitting/pushing etc. If I see a child hit/bite/push they are separated as punishment and then say sorry/hug or kiss, but I do not allow the snatcher to keep their bootee!

naughtalessnickerless, English is not my first language and I assumed "sharp end of my tongue" was quite agressive. If it just implies discussing in calm fashion, I'm all for it. All I want to say is that there are many parents who just don't care what their children are up to and who will always back them up regardless. I am not one of these so I don't want people to make me feel like I deserve to be told off for my child's behaviour.

Brette, I really feel for you and understand your situation as I am going through something similar with nearly 7 year old DS (although not with biting). Before he started school (started late as we came back from living abroad), I specifically made an appointment to see the Head of KS1 to explain about my son's behavioural problems (highly strung, prone to tantrums, very energetic and rambuctious etc) so they were well aware and were able to keep an eye on him. Anyway within the first month, he broke a branch off a tree while swinging from it (not usual behaviour for a 5 year old) and the school dealt with it by marching him round all the KS1 classes with the evidence telling them what a naughty boy he was to hurt a tree so he started off badly with a rep as a naughty boy and seems to feel that he has to live up to it and I have had kids come up to me and say he's a naughty boy .

Anyway, these smug mums who would give you the sharp end of their tongues should really think themselves bloody lucky that they don't have these problems to deal with and it is not to do with your parenting skills (as my other 2 testify), just having a child that is different. It's easy to say you should be telling him not to do it and punishing him but you can do that all you like (as I have) and not get very far. Of course, no one likes their child to be hurt but a bit of consideration would'nt hurt either.

Brette, first of I don't think this is an AIBU topic. Because, if you are asking AIBU to be angry that the school Excluded (they don't use the word expelled, unless they are asking the child to NEVER come back) your son for biting and drawing blood. Then the answer imo is yes you are unreasonable, he was violent, the school are giving your son time out, schools do that, violence is never exceptable, and drawingb blood or even marking skin is violence.
But, if you are asking if the school and nursery are wrong not to have liased better .. then yanbu.
Next, yes, I am afraid you did understand the saying 'sharp end of my tongue' correctly, I am hot headed I would of been angry, and I am afraid to say I would of probably told you so. but, then so would most people I know, if their 4 year old had been bitten.
Finally, I would really push for the Educational Psycholgist, as (and I am reading between the lines here) your lad sounds TO ME, as if he might have underlying special needs that haven't been diagnosed yet.

Heh, crappymummy, when you have to turn your child 4+ times a night, and tube feed them, physio etc, etc. Then you can dish the shit up to me and not before.
I am not coming back on this thread .. you and brette make me want to bang my head against a wall

I am the mother of a biter. My Ds is almost 4 and a half the biting incidents are reducing greatly although mainly occur at preschool. We do find when he has increases in his meds and when he has seizures the biting resurfaces. He has a one to one worker as he does have special needs. He has delays in social interaction as well as speech so isn't always able to communicate how he feels so bites. Myself, portage and preschool have been working very hard to stop this behaviour. I am mortified when he bites the preschool deals immediately with it and I will reinforce that biting is not acceptable. He currently has a reward system which seems to be working.
I do have to agree with Brette some children do know which buttons to press and watch said child go into meltdown myself and our portage worker and ds one to one worker have all witnessed this in one particular child.
Things have improved a lot already and I hope this continues.

If he has special needs then I will make him a big Tshirt that says Special needs and I'll wear one that says Mother of a special needs child and then maybe he and I will not be the target of yours and other self-righteous mothers of perfect children's sharp tongue. Deal? I'm sorry but I'm a bit fed up of this kind of sterile comments. Some people have interesting and constructive comments I am very grateful for, some are just pointless because fuelled by a short-sightedeness that just make matter more stressful. And when I posted I didn't realise it was on this AIBU topic, I thought it was under "behaviour". I am not a Mumsnet regular, I just come here when I am desperate for constructive advice. Not quickly passed judgements. I too can be hot headed, as you can see.

I am not coming back on this thread .. Well that's wonderful.

Because clearly some cannot understand that a violent behaviour is something to address in a responsible way, not by replicating between adults the type of agression we condemn in children. And they don't put themselves in other people's shoes for one second. So yes, this type of behaviour makes me angry and frustrated.
Again, my child has been at the receiving end of violent (and again unprovoked) behaviour and I never dreamt of going and have a nasty word with the parents. Maybe talk about it and see what they have to say, yes. But give them the "sharp end of my tongue"? No.