4-year old excluded of Reception class for biting 3 weeks after starting school... Anyone experienced the same???

[brette]

Hello,

My son is 4 and started reception 3 weeks ago after 12 months in nursery. In nursery, he had trouble settling in but after a while and a lot of patience and encouragement from the dedicated staff, settled in very nicely... with the occasional to frequent bitings. Never in a "malicious" offensive way, more as a "defence"/compulsive/impulsive way when his space is being invaded. Very hard and stressdul for everyone involved (the bitten, the biter, all parents...) But they got it under control after a lot of praising and generally speaking a gentle and psychological approach. He still has to be assessed to see if there's anything related to sensorial issues. He's the youngest of the class, loves school and is extremely bright.
An Early Intervention team got involved, he was observed, the conclusion was there wasn't anything "wrong" with him, many reports were written and before he went to Reception, we had a meeting with the new school child therapist, the Early Year Intervention team therapist, the nursery staff, etc... so that the transition to school would be smooth.

First day at school, the headteacher tells me: "I understand your son has special needs" ...
Second day at school, the teacher tells me: "He bit a child today, is it something he's done before?" I told her nicely to read the report we had taken so much time to make specially for her...
Two weeks later, he bit a child and the child bled. Very shocking and inacceptable. The head called me and asked me to collect him to "punish" him and as he was a danger to other kids. On collecting him, I saw the child therapist of the school who admitted they hadn't been any communication of reports between the nursery and the school. That she had just spoken to the nursery therapist and that she had a better picture of the situation. I said I was surprised they didn't get any of the reports since their whole point was to avoid this very confusion...
And now all the head is telling me is "This behaviour has to stop..." Err, we all agree on that, if we knew how to, we would...

Anyone has experienced something similar?

Sorry very long post, but I feel let down and angry by the whole situation.

Should be "beside myself by now." Obviously

Cake - I think Brette is beside herself..she is asking for help becuase she knows the biting has to stop, but doewsn't know how to stop it!

cake - pull your head in!!!

the point here is that the school did not act on the advice and reports from the nursery and intervention team - though they now plan too.IMO, by acting too quickly without making sure they have all the info, the school have not helped this family. Now, hopefully everyone will and thing will settle as brette's son gets older. Actually, biting is quite common in infant age and almost always is dealt with as the child gets older and is able to understand more - and the environment around the family is not full of the judgemental and couter-productively ignorantly unhelpful opinion of some of these posts. Of course intervention teams - like hv, mw and others involved in parenting give advice that we all listen to as parents. I think you're looking for the easy option blame culture tbh. Come on - being a mum is hard ( and wonderful) enough - at least we can support each other through the grimmer bits, can't we?

Cake,
If I was in denial, do you think I would be here, listening to the same obvious facts ("think about the bitten child", "it is the parents' responsability", "punish him", "punish harder," "you don't punish hard", "what do you do to make him understand, etc", or, no offence, but things like "I would have been beside myself by now" why do you think I'm here on this forum? You don't know how many times I cry in despair at the whole situation. Come on!!! Give. Me. A. Break.
So now yes, I tend to ignore the post repeating the same thing over and over again. It is not helpful. My DH and my mother are amazed that I would even waste so much time answering to some extremely narrow-minded comments. Ha ha ha! I sincerely think I've answered a lot of different types of comments so far. Some very helpful, and some just narrow-minded. But they're all a reflection of the society we live in, aren't they?

Actually Lynette, she wasn't asking for help, she was asking if she was BU for feeling angry and letdown by the school.

She hasn't asked what SHE can do to stop the behaviour, other than managing the school. She says early in the thread that it hardly happens anymore apart from the time he bit so hard until a child bled - ignoring the other times he bit at school both before and after that incident. He's only been at the school for several weeks. She hasn't said whether her son still bites her, out of interest. She seems IMO more focused on criticising the school and perceiving criticism of herself from other parents rather than taking a long hard look at the facts of this situation. Maybe if she was less defensive, and took all the emotion out of this, she'd be able to look at it objectively and find ways in which she can convey to her son how unacceptable his biting is. When a child is as young as four, it isn't just up to the school to manage this, it's also very much up to the parents.

Lynette - at the risk of incurring Breetes wrath again, perhaps a firm telling off and some sanctions for bad behaviour or rewards for good behaviour would be a good place to start. Take advice from a health visitor, see a GP and ask for an psychological assessment. Think about parenting classes - there are LOTS of things which can be done but first the OP has to stop wanting someone else to take responsibility. There are hundreds of written resources out there on dealing with challenging behaviour - and at no point that I can see has the OP punished her son or done anything other than hand responsibility over to the nursery/school/Senco.

top woman brette for being so understanding of the variety of opinion here as a reflection of our wide culture. Not sure I'd be so forgiving of some of the shocking ignorance I've read on this thread. Good luck..

cake , therefore no she was not BU for feeling let down by the school. Is it time for a glass of wine yet?

cake - the wine ref was not being sarky honest... I just love a good debate but need alcohol

brette So, does your son still bite you or not?

i wish they'd ban this blinkin topic. especially for serious subjects like this one.

shrine I agree that the OP was probably not BU for feeling let down by the school. Although personally, given that there was such a change of personnel at the school as Brette described and no one she initially dealt with was still there, I'm really surprised she didn't raise it in person when her son started school.

Brette got my back up by being defensive in response to one of Sassybeast's posts. Sassybeast in now way demonised the behaviour or was even specifically talking about somethint the OP said, just a point of view echoed on this thread, yet the OP took it so very personally.

southeastra Yep. Or alternatively, posters could chose to post elsewhere. Particuarly as there is a disclaimer on AIBU.

i think op said earlier she'd meant to post in behaviour.

Cake, if you read all my posts, you must know that I explained this thread ended up in the Moaning one by accident.
And I have asked people WHO UNDERSTAND THE PROBLEM what their solution was.
And I didn't wait for you to take a long hard look at the situation: professionals got involved because we, as parents, were all for it.
And I said my son still bites me.
And no, I never said it was only up to the school to manage it. But yes of course, they do play a part in the way our children are raised. I have a strong belief in the school's importance. Of course. How could it be otherwise.

So many commonplaces are killing me...

Then why didn't she post in behaviour? Seems an odd mistake to make. It's quite clear she wanted people to pass judgment on the school and not give her advice on how to deal with her son's behaviour. But maybe she should be open to getting advice from other parents on how they've dealt with their children's biting, would be a constructive thing to do, no? Regardless of what action the school take?

But it seems the only advice she wants to here is 'he'll grow out of it', which is probably true, he will eventually. But parents and schools can speed up the process by how they deal with it, as evidenced by Brette's opinion that the nursery was helping to reduce the frequency of biting.

FWIW, I do have sympathy. Must be shit to have had to live with your child biting you and others for over three years.

brette I didn't see where you said that he still bites you, apologies if I missed it, but when I asked you directly you didn't answer me at first.

I do think you have minimised his biting on this thread. You say it's infrequent, but it's still going on at home with you. I do hope you get the help you need to stop your child biting you as that really can't continue. And I have no doubt that the school will do their upmost to prevent the other kids from being bitten by your son - they have a duty of care to do so - but I also hope they help with any issues he may have.

Cake, my FIRST post to you was:
"Cake, at the childminder he was with before nursery, he never bit another child.
He started to do it to other children at nursery but they gradually managed to reduce the incidents.
He's always bitten us (his dad and me). We've always been very firm about it (and distressed). I remember saying "At least he doesn't do it to other kids, because that would be terrible" Well...sad"

MY SECOND POST TO YOU:
"Cake, it is getting much better. It happens very rarely now.
It is an issue that contrary to what some people assume cannot be resolved with a few firm telling-offs and punishments.
Unfortunately. "

Christ Almighty, what a load of fuss about nothing. Talk about over the top ...

Brette

Re your FIRST post

Sorry, it wasn't clear to me if "he's always bitten us" meant that he was still doing it.

As for your SECOND post
I thought you meant the biting in general, not just to you, happens very rarely. Which is clearly not true because of what's happened recently at school. If he bites you rarely now, then that's great it's improved.

And out of curiosity, do you class tellings-off over a three year period as "as a few"? Or do you not think it's an issue that it's been going on? I'm not being provocative (well, much ), I'm just interested in whether you are philosophical about it. Because after three years of being bitten by my child, I would at my wit's end. My eldest bit me about five times or so, and that was more than enough!

Sorry, should be "going on for over three years."

brette

just saying

Ah - the mistake that I've made is commenting without being 100% supportive of your anger at the school for daring to act firmly and decisively on a problem which has been ongoing for a number of years (You said yourself in your OP that even at nursery WITH their interventions, his biting was still 'occasional to frequent') so it obviously didn't resolve the issue.

You feel (as others do) that this is 'not' unnaceptable abnormal behaviour in a 4 year old. At what point will it become unnaceptable to you (i.e so unnaceptable that you will be prepared to take decisive action When the next set of parents aren't quite so understanding ? When your child is ostracised by all of the others because they are scared of him ? When he turns 5 ? When he turns 6?

You feel 'got at' because people have not supported your point of view. That is an unfortunate side line of internet forums.

And frankly I'm bored with the subject now. If it was me, on the next occasion, I would fully support the school in excluding him, bring him home and make sure that he understands what he has done wrong. Remove a treat or a toy - teach him that actions have consequences. Buy him a stress toy that he can squeeze (or even bite) if he is under pressure. But stop making excuses.Good luck with it.

how black and white some issues are to some people.

Brette - keep going and just remember that you are doing a brilliant job. You do not have to keep justifying yourself. I'm sure Cake is also doing a brilliant job and dealing with issues she will have with her children. Your extra issue, as you realise is that your son's behaviour has a serious impact in the outside world. But I'll repeat the same point - you all as a family deserve and need support as it must be very difficult to deal with time and time again BUT THANK GOD YOU ARE DEALING WITH IT. I come eough parents at school ( work - sec age) who still seem to think there is nothing wrong with their little darling's behaviour or rudeness. And they can be lovely middle class kids of supposedly aware, loving parents. You are dealing with it and it may well be a long haul but your DS will know that he is worth all your time, effort and worry. Then, when he's 18, he can take you out for a slap up thank you meal and you can re-tell all this