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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell ds to hit this little boy back??

338 replies

Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 21:11

little boy in ds class has been badly bullying one of ds friends for the last couple of months. However today he decided to punch ds in the stomach and then told him not to tell, so ds didnt until he punched him in the stomach again at which point he told the teacher whose answer was 'oh just ignore him'. So I have told ds if the little boy punches him again to hit him back usually I wouldnt have said this but ds has already been through a bullying incident since sept and only just got it sorted about 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 22:52

But any way Op sorry i got side tracked. URNBU

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 22:54

lol pgwithn.3 he doesnt go to DS school does he

OP posts:
2shoes · 30/01/2009 22:54

By RiaParkinson on Fri 30-Jan-09 22:45:40
I am very lucky - my children have not experienced bullying

surely a mild bit but nothing big

I would be quick to act if they were.... I would NEVER tell them to hit back

if only it was that easy no child wouldbe bullied

MillyR · 30/01/2009 22:55

IILC

Yes, I agree verbal bullying is bad, but I make a distinction between teasing and then an escalation to verbal bullying, if that makes sense. And the tools for dealing with psychological attacks are different and more complex than those needed to deal with physical violence.

pgwithnumber3 · 30/01/2009 22:55

Nemo, you do what you feel is right, I would feel like strangling this child if I were you.

I was in the playground collecting DD1 the other day, 4 boys were teasing a 4 year old girl. The father had some very stern words with these boys, I doubt they will ever say anything to these child again.

If all failed I would be having words myself with the parents.

ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 22:56

RiaParkinson, i was not aiming my comment to u

pgwithnumber3 · 30/01/2009 22:57

Nemo, do you live in Liverpool!? It was Old Swan.

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:57

I did live in Liverpool for 10 years pg but as an adult!

I was bullied as a teen (in leafy suburb)

My children have not been bullied - they are NOT 'normal' children They do not have a lot of the things that other children have, I have brought them up quite differently and in many ways socially disadvantaged them.

They do go to a 'nice' school but bullying goes on in every school.

There have been issues but none of my children has had more than a few kicks or a shoves...

I dont let them hit each other

Are you saying it's all just luck and were I in inner city Glasgow i would be teaching them to kick seven bells out of a child that thumps them?

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 22:58

pmsl pg..ermm not that far then..try a bit further down the road and to the right.

OP posts:
tw1nkley · 30/01/2009 22:58

I was always told not to fight back as a child - i did as I was told.

I was bullied physically and verbally by almost every child in the school and one of the teachers at middle school.

In total i was bullied from 2nd year at middle school until the 4th year at high school, when one day i was accused of somthing by one of the girls. It was untrue and i finally lost it. I stood up for myself and this girl was so surprised that I had actually verbally responded and defended myself that she decided to punch me in the face. So I punched her back.

We had matching black eyes. Word got round. I was never picked on at that school again.

My parents had never done anything about it when it was happening - just told me to ignore it.

I honestly feel let down by my parents - they didn't even notice the black eye. If my kids get picked on and tell me I will deal with it with the teacher - if that doesn't stop the abuse I will tell them to smack em one.

My only regret is I didn't do it sooner. I am not an aggressive person, But that doesn't mean i'm a doormat either.

I am sure that Someone will be horrified that I would tell my kids to do this but I am not willing for my children to spend even 1 year of their school life being treated like that let alone 6. Its a living hell for a child.

MyDingaling · 30/01/2009 22:59

I know Nemo's son and can say he the most caring, mature and sensible 5 year old I have ever met. He does not deserve this and Nemo YNBU to tell him to hit back. (and yes,I am a teacher)

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 22:59

I actually think DS school cant cope with the size it has become..there are 120 pupils per year and even though they have the same staffing ratios they dont seem able to 'handle' it being such a large and diverse school as it covers a large area.

OP posts:
pgwithnumber3 · 30/01/2009 23:00

Ria, you know what I meant. A leafy suburban school is nothing like a tough inner city one.

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 23:03

nemo NO i haven't but my children are not without issues
It brokemy heart when my 5 year old said that a big boy kicked him. He kept repeating it so i went into school and had words

If things were at the level you describe i would probably keep ds off. Ring school . Go in and say I am not leaving until you tell me how you intend to resolve it.

Yes I would drag the babies in too to annoy school!

No I would not tell him to punch back

ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 23:03

tw1nkley good on you!! reading that has given me more confidence in telling my sons to stick up for theselfs. Unfortunatly schools policy is no hitting back!! but would an adult be expected to stand and be abused verbally or physically? no

why should our kids!

Ronaldinhio · 30/01/2009 23:04

just throwing this out there and happy to be flamed but sometimes I think it has something to do with how resilient our children are now....could it be that perhaps we hothouse them too much?
As a child I put up with a huge amount of ligging and teasing from my older cousins and uncles/aunts etc that was meant with love but was incessant as only big families can dole out I guess but name calling and teasing held no fear for me and I was well prepared for an answer back.

I still disagree that being violent toward a bully is the answer. I'm sorry I've read your posts but I disagree that that is the waqy forward

MyDingaling · 30/01/2009 23:07

There is a huge difference between teasing from members of your family to being punched in the stomach on the playground

petetong · 30/01/2009 23:09

I actually don't think it makes any differnce where you grow up. I live in a wealthy area, wealth does not dictate niceness. I'm afraid that there are plenty of people who have money who are brough up with no moral boundaries and are very nasty.

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 23:10

Nemo this is not aimed at you but i actually find some of the comments on this thread sickening

I really hope you resolve DS's issues as soon as possible

'Unfortunatly schools policy is no hitting back!!'

say no more

PARP

Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/01/2009 23:12

OP, YANBU. Sorry, but if I was attacked in the street, would I stand and do nothing? No way! Would you teach your daughter if she was raped or was on the receiving end of unwanted sexual advances that she should "turn the other cheek"?

Nemo's 5yo is unlikely to do any damage to the bully if he hits him, in reality. But it will be a statement- it says "I will not stand by and let you do this to me"

Yes, as parents, we would like to think that WE can protect our children from everything, but the reality is that we cannot always be there, and at that point our children need to be able to protect themselves

Nemo, if I was you, I would make sure that the head is aware of the bully's previous behaviour, so that if your ds DOES hit him back, it will be realised that has been in self-defence. I don't encourage my kids to hit, but in this situation, I do think you are being reasonable. It also gives a child confidence to realise that they CAN do something for themselves to stop the bullies. It certainly doesn't mean that your son will suddenly start going around hitting children willy-nilly. Children are not stupid. They do understand the difference between defending themselves and hitting out, and to pretend otherwise is underestimating them in the extreme. I really hope you get this sorted out.

MyDingaling · 30/01/2009 23:15

jooly, i agree totally

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 23:17

DS probably will not hit back but I wanted him to know he has that option and will not get in trouble with me if he does in that situation.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/01/2009 23:18

Why do I have "coward of the County" going through my head right now ...

Ronaldinhio · 30/01/2009 23:20

nah, i disagree
in some cases it is better to accept the physical attack and move on rather than fight back.
Better that you teach your son to loudly say "why have you just hit me?" loudly and get his friends on side to do the same thing, than to teach him that being violent will end the conflict as it just might not do so but might escalate it into something even more nasty
If he verbally stands up for himself and has the support of his firends the bully WILL back off

ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 23:21

Ria.... f off!! u cheeky so and so.

i have always told my sons not to hit but once they went to school they were punched, kicked, spat on ect....tbh this shocked me!

in the end after many yrs of this disgusting behaviour i had enough and told them to defend themselves. my boys have never bullied any child, i am v proud of them.

but if they ever have to defend themselves then they have my backing, this has only been put into practise once. after my son suffered for 3 yrs!! my eldest is 14 and has never hit but would if he was hit 1st.

i live in the real world.