to tell ds to hit this little boy back??

[Nemoandthefishes]

little boy in ds class has been badly bullying one of ds friends for the last couple of months. However today he decided to punch ds in the stomach and then told him not to tell, so ds didnt until he punched him in the stomach again at which point he told the teacher whose answer was 'oh just ignore him'. So I have told ds if the little boy punches him again to hit him back usually I wouldnt have said this but ds has already been through a bullying incident since sept and only just got it sorted about 2 weeks ago.

I think that this board demonstrates very well that the tit-for-tat nature involved in dealing with bullying just doesnt work.

Peqachy, I second that book - it has really helped with my volcanic ds (aged 8) and the headteacher was so impressed with it, when I showed her, she has ordered a copy for school to use with other chuildren.

2shoes, as demonstrated by this thread 'nice people' can also hit first. All of our kids have done this at some point in their life. If your own dc1 hit his or her sibling you would never tell the sibling to hit back. You don't want a fight in your house. And you don't want to perpetuate this kind of behaviour. You want to teach them other strategies for dealing with or avoiding conflict. It's no different in schools. The person who has hit your child is someone else's child and if this child is a persistent bully it's very likely that it is a child who has been bullied himself or has a troubled home life. Of course, you need to be concerned about your child and of course you want to protect him or her (though how encouraging them to fight does this is beyond me) but you also need to think about other people's kids and the way they get on together IMHO.

Okay 5candles. you are obvioulsy the expert here

it is not encouraging them to fight...It is saying if someone is bullying you, you can hit them back. not the same imo.
comparing a home situation to school is ridiculous.

4

FC How old are your children?

Bizarre that you think encouraging a child to hit back is not the same as encouraging them to fight!

Especially if the other kid has parents saying what you're saying.

Where does it end?

As I say, you're living in the realm of 30s story books if you think one child hitting another (who's likely to be bigger and stronger or troubled hence the reason for the firt hit) is going to teach them a jolly good lesson. Yes, yes, I know this is exactly what happened when you stood up to the bullies 20 years ago. But let me tell you that's exceptional.

As I keep telling you teachers spend obscene amoutns of time listenign to kids go on about hitting x because he was dissing z and then he hit me back so I pushed him and ....

Why is it ridiculous to expect your child to behave in the same way at school as he does at home. His sibling hits him and you tell him to come and tell you or you intervene and then you tell them both to play nicely and share their toys. You don't say 'Hit him back twice as hard then' because then you would have a fight and you would be teaching your kids that this is the way to handle conflict. There's absolutely no difference at school. Except that it's someone else (lots of someone else's) that has to deal with the consequences of your bad advice.

Another question that you've not answered.

If a kid steals from your child do you tell him to steal back?

If a kid copies from your child do you tell him to copy back?

Why not?

Oh, that's right because it's encouraging your child to behave badly, in ways which may get him into trouble and will not resolve the problem. And the difference is? Right, there isn't one.

My son is in a similar situation, it is sad that 4/5 year olds can be so mean. I hate that 'boys will be boys' attitude, just an excuse to let kids get away with being horrible.

I have told my son to SCREAM at the top of his voice NO or STOP if anyone tries to hurt him - hopefully the teacher should hear that and have to intervene. The problem with telling him to hit back is, he might be the one who gets into trouble!

Good luck

My god 5, do you go to bed thinking up these lectures? Give over!

Nemo - yanbu imo. My ds has had this happen to him and he stood up for himself (there is no verbal reasoning with bullies) and it has stopped it. The school actually supported us off the record. We tried the whole ignore it and the telling teacher. My attitude is tell the teacher first. Then if they do it again hit or kick back. Not sure how i would have felt it ds was 5, he was 8 when he had some problems as changed schools.

just read through the rest of thread and agree with tiredsville - her predictions were right, lots of sanctimonious crap flying around.

I was told the whole ignore them, tell teacher, dont hit back. It didnt work. What did was when i finally reacted physically.