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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell ds to hit this little boy back??

338 replies

Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 21:11

little boy in ds class has been badly bullying one of ds friends for the last couple of months. However today he decided to punch ds in the stomach and then told him not to tell, so ds didnt until he punched him in the stomach again at which point he told the teacher whose answer was 'oh just ignore him'. So I have told ds if the little boy punches him again to hit him back usually I wouldnt have said this but ds has already been through a bullying incident since sept and only just got it sorted about 2 weeks ago.

OP posts:
pgwithnumber3 · 30/01/2009 22:39

Turn the other cheek - how on earth can a child survive being bullied by ignoring it?

Ria - a bully is an intimidator - a child who retaliates back is not just as bad, it is called survival. Violence is very very wrong, I would never teach my child to hit anyone but in an extreme case of nothing being done by the school, what other choice does a child have but to stand up for themselves?

MrsFreud · 30/01/2009 22:39

Hmm you 2 really do live in a pink, fluffy bubble...

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:40

'Stand Up' to a bully

Sadly I am either lucky naive or just have had a very different life experience to the rest of you

DS came home from school saying some children were teasing him about his name

His name shortens to a word which is a bit 'naughty' They call him it. I give him a long lecture about when he is older he will love it so bide his time etc etc etc

he keeps interrupting with 'but T says' "but her friend says' 'but a big boy says' I keep on ' do you think they are nice? are they grown up?' etc etc until he is nodding and agreeing and saying he will just ignore them

Now i know it is different to physical violence but these things can progress. Rising to the bait will encourage the bully ime

Ronaldinhio · 30/01/2009 22:41

I honestly believe that bullies start where they see a chink in someone or somethings armour
One of my best friends was a bully when she joined my school at 13..she was just completely miserable and thought it would make her some friends and make her feel better.
She picked on my very small and Cure obsessed friend who completely blanked her and stared her down as though she was literally from another planet.
It worked far better than giving her the ruck and attention that she wanted and we are still all close friends 20+ years later.

I know that that sounds idealistic but I think a self of self and the confidence to speak up and do something tell someone loudly is much more important than using any sort of violence as often the only way for that to go is from bad to worse very quickly.

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:42

so pg with number 3
'but in an extreme case of nothing being done by the school, what other choice does a child have but to stand up for themselves? ' you would encourage your child to hit back

ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 22:42

My son who is now 11 had to put up with 3 yrs of bullying in primary. it broke my heart tbh, the bully was mostly verbal but really distressed my son with his words such as " me and my mates will get u after school"

and " your mum is a fat bitch" during a time i was in hospital with pregnancy problems.I mean it was constant, every day, school said they would stop it but didn't /couldn't.

I had/have always encouraged my son not to hit out but do you know what? i was wrong!

the day my son lost it and thumped this wee bully he hasn't had any more bother from him!! this boy is now in my sons new secondary and fingers crossed all good so far.

infact i feel shame i told him not to fight back.

2shoes · 30/01/2009 22:43

RiaParkinson come back when your child has been bullied so badly that they won't go to school(hope it doesn't happen) then you tell them to deck the %%%%%.
I tried going down the correct path, nothing.

pgwithnumber3 · 30/01/2009 22:43

Teasing about a name is an everyday occurrence in every class in every school Ria, being hit in the stomach is a bit more serious. If I thought my child was being intimidated to the point of being hit in the stomach, I would be furious and if the school wasn't intent of sorting out the problem, what else would you do? Ignore it?

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 22:44

so what you are saying then is to leave ds to be a punch bag, to think of school as being miserable and the place where others are allowed to hit him but he cant do anything about it...all this and he hasnt even completed his first year.
Anyone who knows ds will tell you he is not a naughty/nasty child, he will not just lash out everything is very thought through and considered despite his young age he is caring and takes on a lot of responsibility for others. When he was bitten on the hand on his first day in reception he said 'its ok mummy xxx was probably a little excited'

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 30/01/2009 22:44

Telling them they can hit back is a bit like the ultimate weapon-they don't have to use it it just gives the confidence to know that they can-bullies on the whole go for an easy target.

2shoes · 30/01/2009 22:44

ilovechoclate snap, the moment ds stood up to the shits up the road.....they ran away

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:45

I am very lucky - my children have not experienced bullying

surely a mild bit but nothing big

I would be quick to act if they were.... I would NEVER tell them to hit back

MillyR · 30/01/2009 22:45

Ria

Yes, I agree that it is often better to ignore taunts. That generally works well if it is a bully looking for a victim; if your child seems unperturbed the bully will try elsewhere.

I think it becomes more difficult if a child has been selected for another reason. If a child taunts because they are envious of a friendship between two other children for example, than that kind of teasing is likely to be more persistent.

I think a bully will often taunt a child who seems very content, presumably because of envy.

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:46

Nemo

I would go to the head

ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 22:46

2shoes!! our boys could teach us a thing or 2 hey??

piscesmoon · 30/01/2009 22:47

He sounds lovely Nemoandthefishes! It is such a shame that they have to come across bullies. My DSs have always been called very caring all through school. I don't think they have had to hit back but I make it quite clear that no one has the right to make their lives a misery just because they can.

petetong · 30/01/2009 22:48

I don't think we are talking name calling here, I would never advocate either of my dcs hit anyone for taking the mick out of their names. I am talking about retaliating to physical violence.

Desiderata · 30/01/2009 22:48

I've only read the OP, but I agree with it.

Kick the little shit hard. Boys have been doing it since time immemorium.

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 22:48

Ris if you look on the thread this little boy has been reported to the head by other parents..so what now?

OP posts:
Ronaldinhio · 30/01/2009 22:48

usually children pick on the weaker odder more different children not the most contented ones ime

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:50

I would go to the head and say I want the boys parents brought in

Go above the boys head and the teacher if she is not paying attention

ilovechoclate · 30/01/2009 22:50

My son had experienced both verbal bullying and physical. please do NOT under estimate the power of verbal bullying, it is often worse.

RiaParkinson · 30/01/2009 22:51

I do not under estimate it

Original poster
Nemoandthefishes · 30/01/2009 22:51

Ria have you ever had to physically drag a sobbing 5yr old into school while looking after a 2 and 3yr old and being 5mths pregnant?
Have you ever had your 5yr old tell you he cant answer questions in class because then xxx might push him over in the playground?
have you had to tell another child to take their hadns from around your 5yr olds throat as you walk past playground to collect your dds from nursery while there are 4 dinnerladies/TAs on yard duty?
Have you had to listen to your 5yr old use the I am sick, I am scared,I hate it excuses for why they cant go to school in case XXXX says something to them??

I hope you dont.

OP posts:
pgwithnumber3 · 30/01/2009 22:51

Ria, were you brought up in Liverpool? Where you are dealing with some of the toughest people probably in the Country? Surviving being bullied sometimes means your child having to give as good as they get. I would take off those rose tinted glasses.

An example of this is my friend's DS. From the age of 6 he was bullied horrendously by the son of a local drug baron. The teachers were too terrified to approach the family. In the end she took her DS to Ju Jitsu classes and he learnt how to defend himself. As soon as he did defend himself, the bullying stopped.