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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

thinking that my husband might be abusing my child?

333 replies

morethanamum · 27/01/2009 08:28

a very sensitive issue.
im shaking,crying and just want to know what happened yesterday when i went to the gp and left my kids with husband. in the evening dd1 started complaining about her genitals,i noticed redness and while applying some sudocrem i asked her "what caused it?"she said "daddy"i asked "how did he do that?"she put her hand over her genitals.i confronted him,he was furious and said im crazy and dd1 must have said this like she always does when i ask her about who did stuff she says mummy or daddy,even though i know it isn`t true.but why did she touch herself?was she just pointing at the pain?when she was 1 and 1/5 she sometimes would touch husband on genitals.we tried ignoring her and convert attention.it worked but afew days ago she did it again.
now should i believe a 3 year old.or is she lying.how can i know the truth before i do something stupid?

OP posts:
FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 21:14

Lilyloo...
I don't get your logic there, tbh....because, her daughter had already said that her dad had made her sore...that was stated all along....but what is really the issue is, is that a 3 year old saying my dad wiped me to hard, or something silly like that....or is it a more sinister reason...so....knowing if that man had actually really french kissed his Babygirl, well, than I would kinda err on the sinister...

NeedCoffee · 27/01/2009 21:14

I don't think its a troll, i think its someone who is worried, and doesn't know what to do.

Op-if you have the instinct that your DH would hurt your dd, then you need to get help.

FWIW-both my dds have 'snogged' me and others, and at 2/3 months some babies do stick their tongues out, especially when you give them a kiss on their mouth, so it could be explained if you could tell us exactly what happened.

RaspberryBlower · 27/01/2009 21:18

The OP has been given good advice by many posters on this thread which is to talk this through anonymously with the NSPCC before deciding what to do.

Hopefully this is what she is doing.

BitOfFun · 27/01/2009 21:18

Fair enough Dittany- but you need to consider that people who post their stories in an attempt to help someone who is being dishonest are left feeling conned and vulnerable, and that just because they are kind and trying to help doesn't mean they are ok with providing some weird gratification for a lying attention seeker.

I don't know that that's the case here, but while OPs should be given the benefit of the doubt, people should be very very careful about what they volunteer, because there is always the possibility that their trust is being abused.

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 21:20

It really is no wonder so much of this kind of thing goes unreported. If I were the OP (and my posts were genuine) this carry on would probably frighten me off, and may even convince me that no-one would believe me even if I did try and approach someone for help or advice in RL.

Realistically speaking, there will be countless children in RL situations like this whose mothers can't decide if they are being irrational or not. The OP does sound all over the place, confused, under-confident, possibly young....what is this telling them? That no-one will believe them even if they do decide to try and get help?

Caz10 · 27/01/2009 21:21

Well said pottycock.

LuckySalem · 27/01/2009 21:21

BOF - I totally understand this point of view esp with a few "regulars" being outed as trolls lately but I still think people should be given the benefit of the doubt.

BitOfFun · 27/01/2009 21:25

I agree with you. I'm just saying that when trying to help, people would be wise to be a bit circumspect IYSWIM?

PottyCock · 27/01/2009 21:26

Absolutely.

LuckySalem · 27/01/2009 21:27

absolutely BOF, I just wish that people wouldn't automatically start saying "Troll".

Lilyloo · 27/01/2009 21:28

Fwiw a 3 year old stating x2 on two different days that
'who did it , daddy'

and

'daddy made me sore' i think is very relevant!

However this isn't my point as Pottycock says abuse is OFTEN unreported and if i was OP and i was genuine this thread would give me serious doubts.

BITOFFUN i agree that there are lot's of posters who are trolls who hurt a lot of people. But in this case i think 'someone' needs help!

FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 21:32

lilyloo, yes, that is true that it might put off someone to report it! And that would be terrible.

but stating the daddy made me sore twice over subsequent days only really means that indeed it was something that daddy did....it could still be something as harmless as wiping her a bit harshly, iykwim

Rindercella · 27/01/2009 21:33

God, I have been watching this thread on & off during the day and I bet the poor OP daren't post back now. If there is any truth in what she has said, then she needs the help & support that mn can give her, not fecking 'troll' baiting.

OP, I really hope that whoever you saw today has given you the support you obviously need and that you can find a way forward. I really hope that your fears are unfounded and everything is as innocent as we all want it to be. Please do not be put off by some of the fuckwits on here who seem to think that 'troll hunting' is a pleasurable pastime, regardless of who is on the other side of the computer screen.

noddyholder · 27/01/2009 21:34

Doesn't seem troll like at all.This is someone who probably did feel she over reacted initially last year but this second incident has re awakened those fears and made her seek advice again.I hope she has some good RL friends because some of the attitudes here are dreadful

Molesworth · 27/01/2009 21:39

Hear hear dittany. Anyone who thinks the OP is a troll, HIDE THE THREAD. Getting your kicks from 'troll hunting' is bloody bizarre

I hope that the OP is a troll so that she's not a real person in distress reading this and feeling even more isolated than she was already.

Lilyloo · 27/01/2009 21:45

True FairLady and i am not seeking to substantiate anything OP has said. That is not my place.

However posters should direct OP to professionals who can help 'whomever' needs it rather than shouting 'troll' was merely my point.

I am glad there has been others who feel the same as i rarely get so involved with threads but this has really saddened me.

FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 21:48

To be fair though, plenty of people have given good advice, numbers to call etc...

LuckySalem · 27/01/2009 21:50

Ok this is my last input in this or I'm gonna end up never going to bed.

Just cos someone has given good advice doesn't mean that everyone should still be shouting troll.

If this was real do you honestly think she'd go speak to someone about it now - she's gonna read this and think well i'm obviously over-reacting and will never be believed.

MN is meant to be about helping people not accusing them.

Ingles2 · 27/01/2009 22:03

this is a word for word replica of an thread about a year ago isn't it?
or is it the same thread?

Lovesdogsandcats · 27/01/2009 22:05

Agree with noddyholder. This person has had doubts for over a year, not likely to be troll imo.

If you think 'troll' then don't post those thoughts, just stay away. No harm done by ignoring a troll, whereas posting 'troll' when its someone genuine is bloody awful.

Ingles2 · 27/01/2009 22:05

whoops
ok,..already been mentioned.

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/01/2009 22:22

I just don't get it,
IF the H really did french kiss his dd, when she was a baby what the hell is OP doing with him anyway, that in itself would set off warning bells for me. OP says she had to leave the DC, do we know how old the other/others are?

If this happened a year ago as well, again why is OP still hanging around? wouldn't you take action and get the dc away?

I seriously hope this is NOT real, just how awful would it be for your dh to be abusing your dd, and yes i know it happens the world over but even so.....

Also the OP akready stated she knows her dd did NOT go to the toilet while she was out so that clears up did he wipe too hard imo.

chloejessmeg · 27/01/2009 22:24

What I am confused about...I have read the thread that was linked in this thread about the touching, which seems guenuine to me. But what is this about a completely replica thread that is the same almost word for word? Did this actually happen? By the same poster?

OP if you do read this then please do get help, if you haven't already. It is better to over react then to leave it undescovered.

TheLadyEvenstar · 27/01/2009 22:27

Chloe, i have not read the other thread

FairLadyRantALot · 27/01/2009 22:27

chloe...I am not sure there is a replica thread from a year ago....however, OP may have posted this more than once...possibly by accident....or my mn is messing about...
I actually did a search for OP Id...and the thread title came up 3 times, but all with todays date, etc...so, that might be where people wonder if they seen it before....I might be wrong though...