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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not return to work even though dh wants me to?

165 replies

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:03

my ml is about to run out, we will be about 200a month short to pay for everything, although i bet there are ways we can cut down.

i do not want to leave my baby and return to work, dh wants me to purely for the oney and the fact we can have nicer holidays etc.

but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do, would it bu if i simply ignored him and did not return to work.
but on the other hand if i did it would only be to please him

OP posts:

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 21:04

No, don't ignore him and don't do it just to please him either.

Speak to him and reach a compromise you are both happy with.

SoWhat · 23/12/2008 21:08

Could you compromise and do some part time work while your DH watches your baby?

Is there something you could do in the evenings or weekends (assuming your DH works during the day).

I was due to return to my training as an accountant in Feb, but have handed in my notice. I now have a job in a nursing home working 2 night shifts a week on minimum wage and believe it or not, we will be better off!

tistheCEEBEEtobejolly · 23/12/2008 21:10

Agree with Chequers that you need to agree a compromise - I wouldn't say it was up to the mother but as a family, you need to agree on what is best for the family iyswim.

I felt exactly the same when DS1 was born - I was due back to work after 7 months and I desperately desperately didn't want to and would have done anything not to....but financially I had no choice but was just going back 3 days a week. As it turned out, I actually enjoyed going back to work and DS1 settled in nursery without any problems at all.

After about 12 months, I increased my days to 4 days a week as DS1 loved nursery and the extra money came in handy. I am now on mat leave after having DS2 and, as mat pay regs have changed, I can afford to have 11 months off and am due back in Sept....which is lovely knowing I am going to have the summer off etc but I am actually looking forward to going back in September and am fairly certain I won't have the same feelings about returning to work as last time...mainly because I realise that it is not the end of the world.

Sorry for the ramble - had some wine Hope it helps anyway.

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:11

we have talked and talked and we cannot come to any sort of agreement

i would be too shattered to go to work in the evenings tbh.
although i could do something for an hour or 2 in the day while my baby sleeps

OP posts:

stillenacht · 23/12/2008 21:11

It was always just assumed that i would return to work - no discussion ever. Everyone assumed this -work, hubby,parents

I know what you mean - i would have liked someone to have said, "Do you want to go back?" "Could we afford for you not to?" etc

snope · 23/12/2008 21:11

just was looking at nurseries today becoz dh thinks i sit at home and do nothing-lo is 10mths if i go back to work i will get nothing as it will go to childcare costs don't qualify for anything even him but if i stay at hme am going mental as am a foreigner no relies to help with childcare so he will pay twice a week for nursery but we will sacrifice a few things worth it.
personally i think it should be your decision .

cmotdibbler · 23/12/2008 21:12

You need to work this out between you. Do you mean that DH's salary won't cover the mortgage/bills and current food costs by 200 a month ? Cos that's quite a lot of shortfall, even if you were not to go out at all/buy stuff/go on holiday

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:13

i don't miss work at all and really enjoy being at home with my baby.
dh doesn't think i do nothing but he wants more money.

OP posts:

MissisBoot · 23/12/2008 21:14

Agree you need to compromise. Did you talk about this before you had your baby?

Maybe you could suggest you will stay off for another 6 months and show that you can make savings in your outgoings.

Maybe he is worried about losing his job - is it quite secure?

paolosgirl · 23/12/2008 21:15

Have you worked out how much you'll have left once you've paid for nursery fees, commuting, lunches, work clothes etc etc? It might be as SoWhat says that you'd be better off/just the same if you took a job working in the evenings. You def. need to sit down and work out a compromise - perhaps you could suggest a trial period? Go back to work for 6 months and see how it goes?

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:15

well thats including all our bills and there are things that can easily be cut such as sky and we spend about 300 a month on food for us plus baby
i could give up my phone etc

OP posts:

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:18

we did talk about this before we had our baby, but you just don't know how you will feel when the baby is here.
i said i'd perhaps work one day a week.
but i really don't think you know what it will be like until you have a baby

dhs job is as secure as any job is thesedays

OP posts:

paolosgirl · 23/12/2008 21:18

Do you work p/t or f/t? Could you request a change to your hours to make it more bearable?

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:20

well i did work ft before.
i don't even want to go back at all though.
i would happily eat baked beans on toast, everynight to be able to stay with my baby.

OP posts:

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 21:22

YABU. You are both equal parents and you both have an equal responsibility to provide for your family.

Stop being so precious.

hippipotami · 23/12/2008 21:23

Would you be willing to childmind? If all you are looking for is roughly £200 a month then you can c/m part time and not leave your baby.

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:23

yes but if we both have an equal say, my say counts too then.

OP posts:

chequersandroastedchestnuts · 23/12/2008 21:24

Xenia, is that you?

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:25

hippi i think i could easily save 00 a month, i'm sure we don't need to spend 300 a month on food.
for 2 adults and a baby.
i could get that down to say 150?
knock off sky 50
theres 200pound already

also go on pay as you go mobile

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 23/12/2008 21:25

It's not simply your decision. Unless it would be simply his decision to give up work because he wanted to be at home. 2 adults, 2 opinions.

babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 21:26

"but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do"

No I think you both need to decide. Prehaps you could do evenings/weekends as suggested and that way prehaps DH could mind your baby? I know it is really tough when you don't want to leave your baby.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/12/2008 21:26

How safe is DH's job right now? Mine is pretty glad I've gone back to work I think. A safety net.

paolosgirl · 23/12/2008 21:27

I know that when I had DS2 after a gap of 7 years (he caught us by surprise, that one!) I did not want to go back - full stop. I was devastated - truly devastated - at the thought of leaving him, although it was only for 3 days a week, and so I told DH that I would do it for 6 months and if I hated it I was giving up, would be working evenings at a checkout if I had to and that beans on toast would become the norm.

A couple of months in it was all very different. The eldest 2 were a great help, DS2 had settled well at nursery and I was enjoying the adult company and the money.

I'm not saying that that will apply to you, but equally it might. Perhaps a trial return to work on less hours might be one solution?

Original poster

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:27

i was thinking about working from home while my baby naps.

OP posts:

cmotdibbler · 23/12/2008 21:27

You might be happy to eat beans on toast every night, but look at it from your DH's pov - he'll be working ft, and then coming home to strict budgeting, no nice holiday to look forward to, and to you telling him about the day you've had with your friends etc (yes, its a hard day at home, but you do get a lot of upside). It doesn't really sound like what he signed up for when you both agreed to have a baby ?

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