to not return to work even though dh wants me to?

[MLAboutToRunOut]

my ml is about to run out, we will be about 200a month short to pay for everything, although i bet there are ways we can cut down.

i do not want to leave my baby and return to work, dh wants me to purely for the oney and the fact we can have nicer holidays etc.

but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do, would it bu if i simply ignored him and did not return to work.
but on the other hand if i did it would only be to please him

I guess you did not really enjoy your job in the first place. That must make it much more difficult to force yourself to return.

I was lucky that I love my job, and was able to work 3 days a week. DH would NEVER have agreed for me to be a SAHM, but luckily I wanted to go back PT.

Why don't you try to go back PT - you might find that it is not so bad, particularly as the terrible twos strike!

In your calculations, have you factored in that being a SAHM is not free? You may think some of these costs I mention are tiny but they are all there and if you make no account of them at all, you will start to find it.

Essentials are:

More heating and lighting costs
House gets more beaten up
Consumables such as loo roll get wasted, however vigilant you are.
Phone calls etc to arrange playdates or whatever.

Then you need activities for DC, which can be totally free, but it makes for a very stressful life if you never want to spend money. In my SAHM operating budget I would allow for:

Toddler group fees -roughly £1 a time
Soft play entry
Swimming
Bus fares / petrol / bit of each
Craft materials and sand for sandpit for fake hols!
Coffee etc. with other mothers (very hard if you do without this)
Costs will increase in school hols when the cheap toddler group stops and you have to shell out more on expensive activities

You will also require contingency to cover things that may arise:

Household breakages (I am superbly vigilant [modesty emoticon] but DS did knacker the washing machine once doing something I htought was harmless)
Being locked out
You being incapacitated and requiring emergency childcare/DH to take unpaid leave.

I am very lucky to be able to SAH and feel relatively free to make these expenditures. I am supremely grateful to DH for this. It would be a far more stressful role if I were confined to the park every day and one toddler group a week. I do lots of craft out of scrap and make my own playdough for pennies but you still need glue, glitter etc.

If you're slicing the household budget to the bone to allow you to SAH you need to be aware of these hidden costs. And I do think you are contemplating making cuts that you and DH will really feel, so you BOTH need to be on board.

To the OP, yes camping can be fun. My DH before and after i met him went on the most wonderfull holidays. He's been to safaris in Africa, been to India, climbed up to K2 base camp, climbed volcanos in Sicily, been to South America, Canada,Borneo and Australia.
Since having children he has set his sights lower but he's found out about places closer to home as he had never visited Europe! So when our DD1 was 2yrs old we went to France and stayed in a cottage and then when DD2 was 6 months old we rented a cottage in Spain.
Since then we have been camping most of the time and have had loads of fun and hardly spent anything.
Last spring we tried camping in N.Wales at a transport rally show (my DH owns a restored 1960's coach) and our tent almost got blown away and we had to spend the night on the coach but it was fun, especially trying to get to the portaloos down the field in a force 9 gale!
When you have children your expectations change and they have to because things are DIFFERENT, but would you want it any other way? Of course not.
Happy Xmas everyone by the way

This has been an interesting thread.

And hats off to the OP for listening to others' viewpoints and actually sitting down with her husband to read through the thread - how often does that happen on MN?? I'm sure that getting it all out in the open is the right way forward.

I think the starting point for the OP was what made me feel uneasy - the assumption that for some reason the view of the mum and her wants are more important that those of the dad. I honestly think that there is something seriously wrong if you don't believe that both parents are equal, and have equal rights and views. It's the basis for everything in a relationship, surely? How could you ever expect your partner to respect your views and take you seriously if you are prepared to ignore his views?

I think bigTilly makes a pertinent point. It you never enjoyed your job much, then of course it's going to be tempting to give it up, but actually that's a separate issue isn't it? Don't confuse feeling that you must be at home with your baby because that's the best thing for your family, with actually not having had a life you enjoyed very much beforehand. Remember, even if you do take some time out when the kids are young, there's a 20/30 year stretch of working life ahead of you once the kids are at school all day - you owe it to them as well as yourself to have am interesting and fulfilling life. So whether the OP goes back to work at the moment or not, I would say this is an issue that needs thinking about. Maybe use this time to rethink future career options, or do some study?

These decisions are never easy. Even if there is absolutely no choice financially, and both parents need to work, there are important decisions to be made about childcare etc. The key thing is accepting that the big decisions in life need to be made jointly, otherwise one partner will end up resentful.

Blimey.

DH has all the reposnsibility for the family finances. He goes out and does all the work, probably doign overtime to make up the shortfalls. Then he hands it all into the 'family kitty', and on his days off he can sit next to the paddling pool in the garden, feeling resentful and probably feeling totally disempowered in the relationship.

OR

DH leaves you, keeps 80% of his take-home salary to spend as he pleases, sees his Baby at weekends (so little difference there) and you end up having to go out to work anyway

OR

The marriage fairy drops down one night, sprinkles him with 1950's dust and he wakes up to realise how lucky he really is to have you, his dream wife, bringing up his kids with your tender touch

OR

You accept that life sucks sometimes, but you are both in it jointly for better for worse, try to see things from his point of view, and see if you can negotiate something sensible, maybe part-time for first couple of years (if you are unable to persuade him with your arguments, which to be honest, you haven't persuaded many of us with, even though mostly posters on this site are very supportive of SAHM's).

I think your current stance threatens the whole dynamics of an equal relationship, which by default puts your child's future happiness at risk. A dangerous game.

Actually, scrub that last post - I missed your post explaining that you have sat down and discussed this all - if he is happy, then great. Good luck.

Op I read this whole thread and was really happy when I got to your last post.

For what its worth where other people have said they would compromise by working part time I would compromise by working to 3 when childcare gets cheaper.

I also have to say until recently I did a family shop for £150 and we ate well. I now come in at around £200 and eat very well.

not working til 3 I mean

I've read to p[age 3 and I need to have a shower so apologies if I am repeating what someone else has said

You can take in people's ironing...my very well off friend did this to contribute to the pot. SHe was making quite a lot towards the end.

You can take a franchise type job to work when you want to
Mini Iq/usborne books -Books
Pampered chef- cooking stuff
etc etc.
You work when you want for a couple of hours. Little one would be asleep and dh would be prviding childcare.

Can you make anything? I made cushions/duvet covers and bespoke items and sold on ebay. I enjoyed the freedom and flexibility to work when I wanted ie when lo slept.

Delivering leaflets/local magazines. Not very interesting but out and about and still with lo.

There are lots of things you can consider to do with lo or away from lo. I think you need to show you are considering dh's feelings and trying to work for a comprimise. I am currently re-training (studying whilst looking after the lo's and are 12 weeks prgt with no 3) I was a teacher but won't be going back as one. Life is knackering but I actually love my busy family life but I am also prepareing for a time when the children aren't here and it is just dh and me.

Hope you come to some sort of arrangement you are both happy with.

well we stayed up till the small hours last night talking and dh said, he thinks his been a bit selfish wanted me to leave dd, so we can have more holidays etc.
and he said its a good point about holidays might not be quite the same as before sitting on the beach reading etc.
and i said i was being a bit bossy to think i could just decide.

so a we have agree i will sah and i will try to do the thing suggested on this thread such as

Can you make anything? I made cushions/duvet covers and bespoke items and sold on ebay. I enjoyed the freedom and flexibility to work when I wanted ie when lo slept.
yes i can make jewerlly and clothes and i'm sure i cuuld have go at thinks like duvet covers etc.
actually i think i would be happiest doing some sort of my own business
so that the avenue i will head down.
thats what i really want to do.

i used to love my job, esp lunches out and stopping off on oxford street shopping on my way home, but that was a totally different life then, now all i would want to do is run home atthe end of the day.

thanks so much for your help, i'm glad this is sorted before christmas.

merry christmas everyone.

Merry Christmas

Merry Xmas. I'm pleased that you've talked about it and I hope it works out well for you both .

Merry Xmas ! I stayed home with Dd (now 3) and have never regretted it . She was only little for a short time - getting bigger every day . Must go as she is "rehanging the stockings again to make more room for Santa !"
Good luck - you will get there together I am sure !

I'm glad it is sorted out. Have a lovley christmas and enjoy your baby - mine is 7 now and it really does seem like yesterday since she was a baby.

Have just come back to this thread to see how it went. Delighted that you've both come to a compromise - and if you need another wee idea for a sewing business, try pram cosy toes for toddlers. I coudn't find one anywhere that didn't cost about £50, so my mum got busy with the needle and thread and came up with one that cost around £20. I've had so many people stopping me in the street asking me where I got it as they've been trying to find one. Just an idea, but worth a try?

Merry Christmas