to not return to work even though dh wants me to?

[MLAboutToRunOut]

my ml is about to run out, we will be about 200a month short to pay for everything, although i bet there are ways we can cut down.

i do not want to leave my baby and return to work, dh wants me to purely for the oney and the fact we can have nicer holidays etc.

but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do, would it bu if i simply ignored him and did not return to work.
but on the other hand if i did it would only be to please him

yes her heart her rules it seems.pragmatically gushy doesn't pay bills.money does

Yep agree but from what she has said paying the bills is not really the issue.

I am stranger to these type of posts but I have been impressed by the level of debate on both sides.

Remain friends with your DH but do not close doors which you may regret. In this climate i would not like to put the financial strain on my DH so I chose to work. Yes I had a huge bag of guilt but I got over it and nursery is doing him the world of good.

Also the thought of retraining and loosing my experience would have been too scary

Let me get this straight. He wants you to go to work so that you can have nicer holidays ect.. and for that you will have to work and give MOST of your wages to someone else to look after your child just so you can have nicer holidays?
Is it me or is that really pathetic?
Why can't normal adults just have no holidays or just camping holidays for a few years, save themselves loads of money and you BOTH get to enjoy your time with your DC when they are young because you will NEVER get that time back again.
If you can manage to cut back, do that first.

Ripe

If OP DH agrees to that then all well and good but if he does'nt there could be trouble ahead. Also think that Op may be not thinking ahead or if she is it is in a PFB fog (been there).

I think you need to ask yourself whether you would be happy with the arrangement if it was reversed. Would you still be happy to live on a strict budget, eat beans on toast for dinner and not buy any new clothes for the next few years so that your dh could stay at home with you baby while you worked full time.

I think you need to try and come to a compromise. From what you have said regarding your finances I think our situation was similar to yours after having dd2, in an ideal world I would have chosen to stay at home until our dd's were at school, we could have afforded to live on dh's money but would of had to go without holidays, etc. We made the decision that I would go back initially 3 days a week. My dd's are now 9 and 7 and I have changed my hours a number of times in the last few years, I now work 8am - 4pm which enables me to take them to after school activities. Dh also changed his job and now works shifts, usually he can either take them to school o collect them, his rest days do not always fall at the weekend so he often has time off during the week which is particulary useful during school holidays.

I agree with floaty that you need to decide together what is best for your family in the long term.

Plus if OP has more children it may be more than a few years.

is it so hard to understand that if one parent is sole breadwinner doing their tin in 37hr a week thsat a holiday and some consumer durables might be nice.OP wants her needs minimal negotiation.scant consideration what does DH want

this martyr mum,i gave up holidays sold a kidney.didn't buy new clothes is quite holier than thou,sanctimonious pain in da ass.

ding dong after working ft DH might reasonably expect something more than a paddling pool at home and value beans

I agree floaty. The OP and DH need to have all cards on the table before they make a decision.

All very well to eat beans on toast , but DC will want to bring pals home in a few years to "Beans Again?!"

I'm wondering though, does your Dh know that holidays with a little one are officially a nightmare - unless you have childcare factored in?
I'm just quoting your reason why your Dh wants you to go back to work "the fact we can have nicer holidays etc" . Sometimes both the parents aren't the priority - and a paddling pool in the garden is a brilliant option for those pesky early years.

If your DH still insists on having a nice holiday, well I don't really know how he can have one with a little one - they don't like the heat very much, and it's such a palaver to go abroad - unless you have a kids club involved, while you're off jet skiing, in which case why go with your DC at all? Still childcare costs are involved.

I think in some ways you are both being a little bit unrealistic, especially about holidays.
But I think you are being reasonable OP. They stay tiny for such a short while, it's a shame for the sake of a few holidays that won't actually be holidays that you have to miss it.
But I would make plans to go back to work as soon as you think your DC would be better in an environment with more stimulus than you alone can provide - this can be a lot earlier than yoiu think BTW!

All these things cost money - more money than a few fancy holidays -(or non-holidays), so make plans to return to work I say and cut down your fripperies (how I long to have a few of those are they still served with a little umbrella?) in the mean time.

"is it so hard to understand that if one parent is sole breadwinner doing their tin in 37hr a week thsat a holiday and some consumer durables might be nice"

Hmm SM - as a SAHM I must comment, we do actually work pretty hard too, surprisingly.

no no ease up don't digress into unrelated debate.i am in confines of this post.nowt else

I haven't read the whole thread...I just cannot understand why childcare is not being seen as a valuable contribution to a household? It may not be a financial contribution, but it is an important one. Why should anyone feel they should have to compromise on their right to stay at home with their own children? It is such a short period of time before they go off to school.

If you really feel strongly about not returning to work, discuss it with your DH again, make a plan regarding when you would consider returning to work - any retraining that you may require etc. Consider working p/t evenings/weekends as others have suggested. Be prepared to give up any luxuries that you are used to (make up, new clothes etc).

There is a certain amount of sacrifice that you should both be willing to make as parents.

I do think it would be unreasonable (and a bit silly) to expect to give up work with no plans regarding returning to work at some point.

ok first thought
you say if you don't go back you will be 200 pcm short. ergo you cannot afford not to work, in some form, at some point.

second thought
working whilst baby sleeps ain't ever going to work

third thought
if you step out of the workplace, how easy will it be for you to return to it? what kind of work do you do? what are the skills that you can transfer to another context if need be.

fourth thought
whilst in my experience working part time can be worst of both worlds as well as best, perhaps this is a cvmpromise you could manage?

OP have you presented your DH with a detailed breakdown of what the monthly income/outgoings would be if you cut down/didn't plan holidays/didn't take pocket money etc? I take it from what you've said that if you do those things, you would actually be able to manage each month financially?

I think if that's the case and you're talking about until the child is at school, then that's perfectly reasonable. However I also think that you are being too close minded - you want simply to stay home, end of story; it may be a case of you needing to compromise a little. I worked weekends/evenings for a good while when ds was a baby and that was because we needed me to bring in some money; I was happy as ds was with dh if not with me and that was what I wanted for his very early life. Yes I was shattered but as someone else said that is part of the picture really. I think you're being overly dismissive of that option; it's tiring, but it's still a 'break' and a change of scene to go out of an evening and earn some money.

Having said all that I know my DH would have been perfectly happy to have me at home full time if we could have afforded it; I think I would be very unimpressed with a DH who wanted to carry on in exactly the same way - holidays, luxuries etc if those come at the price of a mum being seperated from her baby when she wants to be there and the baby wants her there!

someone here had a good idea, how about working in your local?

I know I would have rathing than having to work during the day (I went back 3 days a week when my DS was 1 btw). I am a single mother so had/have no social life either but if you work in your local in the evenings you would be meeting people etc.

If you did say evenings a week you'd be... getting a break from putting your baby to bed, be working when he is asleep, getting some extra cash (probably about £25 an evening or £300 a month) without losing time with your baby AND you'd be getting a break! perfect...

sorry we have just been having a massive talk about it.

whoever said
OK, this is a worst-case-scenario admittedly, but

1. You sulk and strop and get your own way.
2. You whine at your husband about how hard your day has been, what with all the crying and trying to get the beans on toast done.
3. You expect him to do childcare when he gets home because "you've had a hard day too".
4. Your husband spends more time at work to avoid listening to you moan, after all, you got what you wanted, and he's shattered.
5. He finds a sympathetic ear to his woes who happens to a single working mum.
6. He leaves you for aforementioned mum and you have to get a job anyway and your baby becomes another broken home statistic. Well done.

dh said that woman must be nuts.

and to be fair if i went back to work when i would rather be with my baby i could end up resenting him, but i wouldn't go off with someone else.

anyway we are having a good talk about it, but dh has taken on board your points about holidays will be quite a different thing from now on and that maybe camping would be easier/more fun.
and that he has always fancied trying camping so i think w are going to try that next summer so thanks for that.
he has also acknowlegded that it is for such a shorttime when they are small and he doesn't want me to regret it.

i have clearly given the wrong impression if i make it sound like we will never be able to go out or anything ever again.

but we are talking about it now and dh is reading this thread with me.

also -

when my first lo was 10 months i desperately did not want be separated from him. by the time he was 15 months i was equally desperate to be apart from him at least some of the time.

Agree, that 'worst case scenario' is the finest bit of misogyny I've read in ages. Ridiculous!

I'm glad you're talking about it - your DH sounds like he's got his head screwed on, I'm sure you'll come to a plan.

I totally respect and understand your need to be with your baby, and I hope you can sort something.

mazzy makes a good point, there's a natural need for a break that comes along when they're older and that has to be nature's way, doesn't it! They begin to want independence and begin to drive you a leeetle mad and that's when you start to think nursery might do you them good!

So this period of being home full time is so very short anyway, specially now they start school at 4. It will fly by.

I don't blame you not wanting to work as long as you can survive if your husband got made redundant for a while. In your situation I think I would try to return to work for a couple of days a week or a few evenings.

On another point (not financial) One of my friends didn't go back to work when her DS was born, now 18 months later she's been diagnosed wih PND as she feels as if she's lost her identity and she's just 'DS's mummy', and now she's struggling to get a job and her DS is struggling to settle with a childminder. I know this doesn't happen to everyone, and there are alot of happy SAHM out there, but just a thought.

put it this way.would you be happy if your husband just gave up work to spend more time at home with his child?
yabu

It has to be a joint decision, however being at home can really work for some people.

I love being at home with my children, I'll be back at work when they are at school but until then I cherish having the (unexpected) choice to be at home with them.

Yes, we have to tighten our belts, no holidays etc. However my DH gets the advantage of no housework unless he wishes to help me out, he cooks sometimes (as he loves to do it and is great at it), he does no child care, no clothes washing, no ironing, no housework, no childcare when the kids are sick.

I always try and give him a lie in at the weekend and take the children out for an afternoon to give him some child free computer time. This I do as I love him and I am grateful for the hard job he does to support the entire family.

I 'heart' my DH

My advice sit down with your DH and try and thrash out an agreement. If he wants you to go back to work, get agreement on him doing half the cooking, cleaning and childcare, so you both have some leisure time. The working mums I know in RL end up doing FAR more than the DH's

can u compromise and do a pt job? unfortunatley, times have changed and both partener need to work to pay for a somewhat better life.

MLAbouttoRunOut: "i think i've given the impression we are more short of money than we actually are iyswim.
like we have 200 a month each pocket money, which we use for clothes etc"

Sorry, but you only end up with £200 pocket money each month despite working full time? Do you contribute to any household bills which are netted off that? If your disposable income is only £200 despite ft hours, there is a big issue of whether you can afford childcare if you are working reduced hours. Working from home around naptimes is not viable from a practical standpoint.

Working 1 day a week is not hard.

Agree with floaty. You have to think long term.

I would probably be alright with holidaying at home/UK for a years, but not at all happy to eat beans on toast on a regular basis for my ft working efforts.