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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not return to work even though dh wants me to?

165 replies

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:03

my ml is about to run out, we will be about 200a month short to pay for everything, although i bet there are ways we can cut down.

i do not want to leave my baby and return to work, dh wants me to purely for the oney and the fact we can have nicer holidays etc.

but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do, would it bu if i simply ignored him and did not return to work.
but on the other hand if i did it would only be to please him

OP posts:
MissisBoot · 23/12/2008 21:27

I think if you said that you only want to go back to work one day a week when you were discussing this then then he is being a little unreasonable.

You do need to think slightly more long term I think.

How flexible are your employers?

WorzselMincepieYummage · 23/12/2008 21:28

I do think you have a responsibility to pull your weight and earn some money.

I don't want to work, very few people want to work but if you need more money they you are going to have to work.

Get a job working a cople of evening shifts a week in tescos or something and that'll cover your shortfall without your DH slogging his guts out only to some home to a tescos value tea.

tistheCEEBEEtobejolly · 23/12/2008 21:28

I think OrmIrian has a good point - if DH turned round and said that he wanted to give up work, you would be on here posting something completely different!

Whilst you are clearly prepared to sacrifice things such as Sky, holidays etc so you can stay at home, it would appear your DH isn't happy to make those sacrifices.

TheFallenMadonna · 23/12/2008 21:29

Can't see that as a long term solution TBH. Unless you can afford childcare while you work from home. Naps get shorter.

ScottishMummy · 23/12/2008 21:29

you need to talk this through as a couple,as parents.one parent cannot assert supremacy and say i am the mama,just doesn't cut it.as emotive as this feels it isn't good to take a unilateral stance and not budge

being a couple and parents is about making hard choices and some compromise.you post reads bitty me me

write down all outgoings.be through go through it.being practical,rather than emotional

realistically what job is available to you whilst your baby .would you consider flexi or part time work

hope this resolves well

babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 21:29

TBH I worked evenings when my dd was little and is is not as shattering as you might think. I suppose it depends what you do! I liked the break it gave me especially from bedtimes!

OrmIrian · 23/12/2008 21:29

BTW "only the mother can decide" is f*ing hogwash if you don't mind me saying so.

DISCLAIMER: drink has been taken so apologies if that was a tad harsh.....but
really >

AlexanderSantasmum · 23/12/2008 21:29

I went back (very sadly) when ds was 9 months. I managed to apply for flexible working and do 3 days per week, so then have 4 days in a row off. To be honest, people seem to think it's the ideal solution (which in many ways it is, it's the best of a bad lot anyway) but in some ways it isn't, namely:

  1. I work 3 days a week, therefore people who are full-time (DP and people at work included) are envious and do not acknowledge that IT IS STILL TIRING! (Especially when you can't go home and put your feet up at the end).
  1. Because (as my DP puts it) "You have 2 days off", I am somehow constantly expected to still do all the childcare, go on wild goose -chases errands on my 'days off'.
  1. I seem to do neither job to my satisfaction (i.e. house is often messy and I never seem to have enough time at work before I have to rush off to pick up DS).

However despite all of the above I still think I made the right decision. Is there any way you could compromise like this? I am sad that I have to leave ds 3 days a week, but the other 4 days feel like bliss and the extra money helps to pay for us to have a few treats on those days as well as keeping us afloat. He now seems really happy in nursery and runs in ahead of us to go and play without a backward glance. To be honest, I don't think we'd manage on just one income (not to mention the strain it would put on myself and DP as he would definitely see it as him struggling to pay for things while I 'sat at home' (not true I know but resentment does seep in about such things with some people). I do understand you wishing to stay home but you might want to think about how long term this would work.

Pantofino · 23/12/2008 21:30

I just wanted to add another view. I always knew that I had to go back to work. When it came to it - like you, I really did not want to go back. But go back i did, that was what was agreed. It is SO hard to leave the baby, but at the end of the day, it is so much nicer not to have to stress about every penny. And you do get over the shock. And there are lots of benefits. You get adult company, you can go to the toilet in peace, you can go for girly lunches. And the LO gets to make mess, make friends.

I think if you agreed with your DH that you would go back to work and it sounds like (as in my case) it is financially important, then you just have to go with it. Or live with lots of resentment.

fishie · 23/12/2008 21:31

ml how old is your baby? have you got free childcare? what percentage of your overall spends is 200?

i earn a good wage (more than dh) and we are still struggling. we spend more on cm than mortgage. holidays! [hahahhahahahaha]

aGalChangedHerName · 23/12/2008 21:31

Hmm i didn't go back to work after i had the dc. I never really discussed it with DH tbh. I just said i would be stayig home and he said ok fine it's your choice.

I think if you can make cuts to ensure you can live comfortably then why not stay home with your baby??

If he wants you to return to work to make money for good holidays the i wouldn't be happy about that. You can go on cheaper holidays and care for your baby yourself?

fishie · 23/12/2008 21:32

sorry that sounds very grumpy, i'm jolly happy with work and my life and even no money actually.

snope · 23/12/2008 21:33

hey orm i guess ur hubby tells you what to do, off to watch prison break-so there.

aGalChangedHerName · 23/12/2008 21:33

Oh i did work in a pub 2 evenings a week then became a CM to make money.

If you don't want to leave your baby then i think you should be looking for evening work shattered or not. We are all shattered i'm afraid!!

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:34

well i would of thought we could eat quite well on 150 a month.
i bet there are alot of mumsnetters who could show me few tricks

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 23/12/2008 21:36

I don't think you'd eat quite well on less than £40 a week!

babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 21:38

I think you have made your mind up. I can totally see where you are coming from BUT I do think you need to look at it from DH's point of view too! FWIW I did'nt return to my job after DD1 (7 years ago) and I aften regret it froma financial point of view/career. I don't regret not putting my PFB in childcare at 15 weeks! Luckily we are ok finacially but would be alot better if I had gone back at least P/T.

aGalChangedHerName · 23/12/2008 21:38

I like to know i am contributing to my family financially.

I would hate DH to be the ony earner in my home. Imagine the pressure esp if DH wants to have reasonably nice food.
I do understand not wanting to leave your baby,and nobody expects you to,and nobody can make you.

Speak to your DH and see what he thinks about you working weekends or evenings?

If you want to look after your baby you will have to compromise i think.

babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 21:39

We spend about £150 p/w for 4 of us!

paolosgirl · 23/12/2008 21:40

Crikey BabyLove - there's 5 of us and we spend a lot less than that! (But a lot more than £40!!)

hotbot · 23/12/2008 21:41

think its great to have the choice -- sorry but it appears that you cant afford to do that. keep in the back of your mind if youd like another lo, and the financial stabilty that a job - even part time will provide. at least do it for 6 mths and see how you feel

neenztwinz · 23/12/2008 21:41

Check www.moneysavingexpert.com for money-saving tips. I don't think you could eat quite well for £40 a week either!

I think YABU to expect to stay at home when it will leave you penniless.

I agree childminding is an option, not an easy option tho. What about providing after school care eg taking kids to school and picking them up after?

OrmIrian · 23/12/2008 21:42

Hey snope. Hope you enjoy 'prison break' whatever that might be. And no I don't tend to do what DH tells me. We share the decisions. But maybe that's too complex an idea for you

BTW - 150 a month is a bit ambitious. Being short of money is soul-destroying. You like to think money doesn't matter but it does

ScottishMummy · 23/12/2008 21:43

this isnt just about menu planning,the crux of it is two adults reaching compromise and discussion.much as you want to live frugally does DH want value beans.wanting a nice holiday and to maintain current lifestyle isn't so off the wall.understandable if you do your tin in 37hr per week that you might want a decent break

but yes £150month is do-able with lot of input from you lots of home cooking and freezing.veg from market etc

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:44

baby is only 10 months.
if i went to work to pay the bills rather than luxuries i think i would feel differently but as it would be to pay for things like holidays, i can just imagine being on the holiday and being really pissed of that i had to leave my baby for x amount of time for this.
i'd rather set up a paddling pool and sand pit in the garden a and have a holiday in the garden.

OP posts: