Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not return to work even though dh wants me to?

165 replies

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:03

my ml is about to run out, we will be about 200a month short to pay for everything, although i bet there are ways we can cut down.

i do not want to leave my baby and return to work, dh wants me to purely for the oney and the fact we can have nicer holidays etc.

but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do, would it bu if i simply ignored him and did not return to work.
but on the other hand if i did it would only be to please him

OP posts:
paolosgirl · 23/12/2008 22:02

You've both got to get round the table and negotiate - sounds as if compromises have to be made on both sides. Good luck

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:04

we did talk about this before we had our baby, but you just don't know how you will feel when the baby is here.
i said i'd perhaps work one day a week.
but i really don't think you know what it will be like until you have a baby

OP posts:
babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 22:05

It is true, you don't know how you will feel until you have your baby.

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:06

thanks baby

OP posts:
Heifer · 23/12/2008 22:06

Start making your savings right now and then you can show DH that you can afford to stay home AND have a decent lifestyle.

I was lucky enough to be able to stay home until DD started school (in fact I started work last month!)..

DH was fine about me not working, but I had planned to take another year off to study etc, but DH was starting to stress about the fact that we weren't saving etc and in fact with the price increases we were getting to the stage of being short each month so back at work I am (part time so I can still take and pick DD up from school).

I think DH agreed that it was best for DD in the long run that I stayed home with her BUT I do know that he worried about not saving and he would have been happier if I had gone back part time when she was around 2 or 3.

I loved staying at home, and I know I was very lucky to be able to do so.

If you really want to and you think you can afford it then show him.

babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 22:07

You have a few choices (as I see it).

Decide what you think you can save on and see if DH agrees.

Go back to work for a trial period.

Look for a evening/weekend/home working job.

Become a childminder.

Libraloveschristmas1975 · 23/12/2008 22:08

This is a decision that has to be taken together, it sounds like if you get your own way (SAHM) then your DH will resent it and if you go back to work then you will resent it. However I think this is one of those suck it and see situations, can you agree with DH that you will go back on a trial basis - say 6 months - and it you are desperately unhappy at the end of those 6 months then you can become a SAHM.

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:11

heifer and baby thanks some really good suggestions

OP posts:
HollyCherry · 23/12/2008 22:12

I used to do the same as AlexanderSantasmum (3 days at work, 4 days at home)and went back when DD was 18 weeks (only 6 months paid ML when she was born)

I was made redundant 6 months ago, and since then have looked back at her baby photos and wept for the time I missed spending with her - even though I know I'm luckier than a lot of people, especially since I loved my job and she was looked after by family, however...

I know I am unlikely to get anything similar and am now determined to stay at home until she starts school in September, even though we can't really afford it. I'm fortunate to be qualified in a job that I can do freelance and if I can get that kind of work it will quickly bring our income up to a more reasonable level, but I will also be heading down our local supermarket for a couple of night shifts if necessary.

You should listen to your heart, although bear in mind that if it causes huge amounts of friction between you and your DH, you may not find it as idyllic as you are expecting.

Good Luck!

ScottishMummy · 23/12/2008 22:13

LOL at personally thanking affirmative posts,no such recognition for other posts

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 23/12/2008 22:13

I agree with those who say this does seem to be a lot about what you want...

You say that you don't want to even consider working evening as you will be shattered. tbh (ime) part of being a parent is making sacrifices and being "shattered" at times.

Your dh will be shattered (and also under pressure as the main wage earner) if the whole financial burden is down to him.

fwiw, I work, and I work shifts. dh is at home the evenings and weekends that I work. It's not easy for either of us sometimes.

Also, re the money. I think that one needs to consider very very carefully about living on the edge, with no spare money at all. Sometimes our "holiday/treat money" has to be redirect to more urgent needs - e.g new boiler last year.

LaDiDaDi · 23/12/2008 22:15

YABU. Almost everyone has said that YABU.

Not unreasonable in wanting to stay at home with your dc but definitely unreasonable in demanding to do so when it would mean you needing to make lifestyle changes that your dh might not be happy with.

Holidays, Sky and savings are not top priorities in life, I'd agree there but they do make life a better quality/easier/give you some cash if the shit hits the fan and all of your white goods go kaput in the same week.

I'll ask again, as others have, how would you feel if your dh wanted to give up work to stay at home with your dc whilst you worked ft and had to skimp on things that you valued when you came home?

oranges · 23/12/2008 22:16

what would you all do if your dh lost his job? it seems to be happening so often it seems madness to drop out of the workforce at the moment.

LaDiDaDi · 23/12/2008 22:17

Sorry if the tone of that seems aggressive, it wasn't meant to be.

onepieceofbrusselssprout · 23/12/2008 22:18

tbh I am not sure that the OP wants us to be honest and only wants to hear from those who say YANBU. I have read the thread, but not counted the responses i.e how many YABU/YANBU. (however I suspect far more people think that she is BU)

I think that generally there has been some constructive advice, people taking the time to post,but as is occasionally the case on this topic, the op only really wanted her own opinion/choices validated, and this didn't happen.

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:21

well i think the only trouble dh would have would be not being able to bf! but he has already said he would never want to be a sahd anyway.

i think i've given the impression we are more short of money than we actually are iyswim.
like we have 200 a month each pocket money, which we use for clothes etc
i'd easily give mine up to not leave my baby.
i'd happily not have any new clothes till baby is at school or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:22

no i am listening to both sides.

OP posts:
Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:23

holly thats just how i feel, i would never get the chance to have this special time back.

OP posts:
onepieceofbrusselssprout · 23/12/2008 22:24

Perhaps you could consider giving up a proportion of your pocket money then, which would potentially mean less cutbacks on the food/Sky and other things which affect your dh more?

Good luck with whatever you sort out. Ime (twice) the anticipation/anxiety of returning to work is worse than the reality.

JODIEhadtoomanymincepies · 23/12/2008 22:26

I felt the same as you when DS1 was born, so when my ML finished (he was 5 months) I went out and did 6pm-11pm 4 nights a week stacking shelves at my local supermarket. I hated it with a passion, and I was knackered after dealing with DS1 all day, but needs must and all that..... After 6 months of doing that, I decided that DS1 was old enough to enjoy the company of other children without me being around (he was getting oh so clingy) so put him on nursery for 1 morning. I realised that he was happy there and I was happy without him for a few hours so got myelf a p/t job in the day, and I love it... Feel as if I got myself back IYKWIM and I feel silly about being so precious. I go back to work in Jan after having DS2 and I can't wait fir the break!!!

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 22:32

OK, maybe you would be able to manage in theory if you gave up work.
But the reality is often different to the theory. Cars break down, mortgages go up, unexpected bills happen.... life is no fun if you're just scraping by worrying about how you'll get to the end of the month.

I think the fundamental point here is that you seem to think that as the mother, you have the biggest say in how you raise your child and how your lifestyle is. Wrong. You are both equal parents. Your husband's viewpoint is as valid as yours.

Your mention of holidays is interesting. You say that you would be quite happy setting up a paddling pool and holidaying in the back garden. Well, perhaps your husband wouldn't. Perhaps his need for a holiday, a break from routine and the pressure of earning is greater than, or at least different to, yours.

I think you need to change your mindset here. You were both working adults. Then you decided to have a child together. You are now both parents. Any major life decisions need to be made together, not unilaterally. I bet you wouldnt be impressed if your husband came home from work saying he'd packed in his job and that you were sole earner from now on.

You need to sit down and discuss this like adults.

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 22:35

That was a good post, river.

Original poster
MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 22:37

we also have savings but we never use them.
the rainy day never comes.
and my viewpoint is as valid as his.
i will only get this chance to sah and be with my baby when shes so small once.
i do not want to look back with regrets weeping for the lost time.

OP posts:
fishie · 23/12/2008 22:37

ml for third time. what childcare would you have?

thatoldchestnut · 23/12/2008 22:38

YABU in current economic situation.I returned PT after my children and if this is possible this is a good compromise.

Dh has just been made redundant and it looks like it is going to be hard to find another job at the moment.It is pretty certain lots of others will be in this situation in the coming year.

I have immediately gone up to full time (plus any extra duty I can - 6 and occasionally 7 days).I am very relieved I can do this to keep us afloat.

I loved being at home for my years maternity but considered this a luxury and I would always return.Dh and I earned about the same at the time I had my first dd so would have been a big drop in income otherwise.

Some friends I know who did become full time mums have wished they did keep their job on and have found it harder to manage finacially than they first thought - it is easy to say you can cut back but then unexpected expenses/bills crop up.

I now feel the pressure of being the only breadwinner and earning enough.
How secure is your dh's job - unless pretty much guaranteed go back.

Swipe left for the next trending thread