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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not return to work even though dh wants me to?

165 replies

MLAboutToRunOut · 23/12/2008 21:03

my ml is about to run out, we will be about 200a month short to pay for everything, although i bet there are ways we can cut down.

i do not want to leave my baby and return to work, dh wants me to purely for the oney and the fact we can have nicer holidays etc.

but do you think this is one issue where really only the mother can decide what she wants to do, would it bu if i simply ignored him and did not return to work.
but on the other hand if i did it would only be to please him

OP posts:
onepieceofbrusselssprout · 23/12/2008 22:38

"the rainy day never comes" You and your dh have clearly been very lucky/blessed up to now. Long may it continue. Lots of us on here wish we could say that.

ScottishMummy · 23/12/2008 22:40

ML the problem is you are trying to assert i am the mama supremacy no negotiation.parents need to negotiate and compromise

fossa · 23/12/2008 22:40

If you stay home, Your DH will become increasingly resentful. He WILL believe you do nothing all day. He WILL moan if you spend a fiver on coffee and a playbarn. He WILL make frquent sarcastic comments and take it out on you when he is pissed off with work. I'm not saying all men would do this, but everything you've said leads me to think you will endanger your marriage.

Quattrocento · 23/12/2008 22:42

Gosh

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 22:44

I think that's a good point fossa.
If you ignore your husband's viewpoint, and treat him as though his view is less valid than yours, then you can hardly complain if he does the same to you.

TBH I think the OP is being utterly selfish here. This is all about what she wants. What about the good of your family as a whole?

Quattrocento · 23/12/2008 22:47

TBH If I'd taken the line that my DP was expected to support me and infants indefinitely, hand over his salary and never go on holiday again, he would have been INCANDESCENT. And rightly so IMO

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 22:53

Aah! But you and dh earn enough to pay for childcare, Quattro.

All very commendable, I'm sure .. but I don't think the OP shares your postition on that score.

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 22:55

.. which is why I find many of your posts quite worthless.

BananaFruitBat · 23/12/2008 22:57

OK, this is a worst-case-scenario admittedly, but

  1. You sulk and strop and get your own way.
  2. You whine at your husband about how hard your day has been, what with all the crying and trying to get the beans on toast done.
  3. You expect him to do childcare when he gets home because "you've had a hard day too".
  4. Your husband spends more time at work to avoid listening to you moan, after all, you got what you wanted, and he's shattered.
  5. He finds a sympathetic ear to his woes who happens to a single working mum.
  6. He leaves you for aforementioned mum and you have to get a job anyway and your baby becomes another broken home statistic. Well done.

It happened to a friend of mine. Sorry.

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 22:58

The OP says that her husband wants her to return to work because they will then have more money. Which rather suggests that after childcare costs are paid, they will still have a profit. Is that so hard to understand

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 22:59

Hmm, so what's your point, banana?

Did the other woman have bigger tits?

Quattrocento · 23/12/2008 23:00

Why all the belligerence Desi? The majority of women with children under school age work in the UK. For the OP to prioritise her wants over her DH without looking for a middle ground seems very... erm ... unilateral.

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 23:01

Who are you directing your comments at, river?

BananaFruitBat · 23/12/2008 23:02

No, he found someone who didn't treat him like shit. Which is what my friend was doing.

JosephofNazareth · 23/12/2008 23:02

Sorry - I thought the OP said they would be worse off by 200 quid a month if she didn't go back to work. And still no mention of childcare...

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 23:04

I don't think banana mentioned anything about tits, desi.

I think her point is that if one parent behaves as though they can call all the shots and ignore the other parents viewpoint, then it could all come back to bite them on the bum. Hard.

LaDiDaDi · 23/12/2008 23:05

I'm getting a big sense of deja vu here.

Have you posted similarly before OP?
Are you a teacher and am I right in thinking that your mother/mil wwould be your childcare?

Desiderata · 23/12/2008 23:06

Yes, I agree with some parts of your argument, Quattro.

However, if parents could look after their own chidren (mind-blowing concept, I appreciate), then it might help the children, the parents, and the tedious credit crunch.

You can't have it all.

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 23:08

Parents do look after their children Desi. Please don't let's go down that tired old road of pretending that parents who work don't raise their kids. It's soooooo tedious.

ScottishMummy · 23/12/2008 23:08

valid and adult parenting is about dialogue and not reverting to stereotypical gender roles eg mama knows best

and yes wholly making decisions that suit one party is unilateral

floaty · 23/12/2008 23:12

I think what you also need to think about are the long term implications of your decision.Its all very well saying that you would be happy to live on beans and holiday in the garden at the moment ,but is your decision going to affect your ability to find similar work in the future ,will it affect your long term income stream.I went back to work ,part time,partly for the future money i.e to protect my career for the future ,I knew that i would want to be able to give dc the extras for example music lessons and at least some nice holidays and if i let my career go this would not be possible.

I worked part time after ds1 from when he was 6 months,then had 18 months out when ds2 was born and the same when ds3 was born .they are now 15,11 and 7 and having spent two years practically full time i am now going down to 3 days a week again because I actually find that especially the 15 year old needs me more now than the 7 year old and I want to have more time to support him through these important exam years.I may not have had the choice had i not stayed in the career ladder.

We also found out that ds2 has sen and keeping my career going has enabled us to have the choice to send him to an independent specialist school which we would not have been able to do without me working.

The sum of this is that if at all possible keep your options open ,because you never know what is around the corner,yes its great to stay at home and if we won the lottery I would give up work like a shot but children do not become cheaper as the grow older ,quite the reverse and you need to think long term as a family

findtheriver · 23/12/2008 23:16

Good post floaty.

It makes sense to look beyond the here and now. Giving up work full stop can mean closing doors which in the future you could wish you'd left open.

LaDiDaDi · 23/12/2008 23:17

V sensible post floaty.

ninedragons · 23/12/2008 23:25

Sorry, you're being very unreasonable.

Being the sole income-earner is a HUGE pressure and it is unfair of you to decide unilaterally that your DH will shoulder that particular burden.

You're not going to be able to help alleviate that pressure with an hour a day from home - I can't think of a single job you could do in those circumstances other than stuffing envelopes.

Evening work does sound like your best bet. Nap when the baby naps and you'll be fine to work an evening shift at the pub.

babylovessanta · 23/12/2008 23:25

I do agree with what your saying floaty but I think it is heart over head at present for OP.

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