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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

226 replies

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:31

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

OP posts:
ilove · 19/12/2008 08:34

Was it you who thought there is something going on with his old work colleague from a pic on facebook?

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 08:34

I think you were a bit unreasonable. I think you were fighting the battle on the wrong ground. I would have asked what you were going to do as a couple over Christmas and got him to sort it and arrange sitters.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:35

Yes that was me.

OP posts:
babyinacorner · 19/12/2008 08:36

No Way are you BU! Infact I would say you are extremely understanding and he needs to get his priorites straight.

belgo · 19/12/2008 08:36

This is what I would do:

let him come in whatever time he likes, as long as he lets you have saturday and sunday afteroon child free so that you can rest and catch up on sleep.

I also think you should get together with your friends and organise a couple of nights out for yourself. You need to have somthing to look forward to yourself so you don't resent your dh going out so much.

And get a babysitter and organise a night out just for you and your dh.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 08:36

If you think there is something going on I will change my mind then, YANBU.

ilove · 19/12/2008 08:37

OK well IMO there is something going on between them. Have you asked him about the photo?

Heated · 19/12/2008 08:38

No YANBU. But give him time for the strength of your ire to sink in. If you very rarely 'lay down the law' then hopefully your dh will realise unusual this is & how much you must mean this. Usually they come good.

WhenFRUITYgotstuckupthechimney · 19/12/2008 08:40

Blardy hell, I think we have the same DP/DH!

YANBU!!! Has he forgotten he is married with a child? It makes me so when they think they can have a bachellors life style as and when it suits them. DP and I are going through the exact same thing but it's not just at Xmas it's all the time. I'm also pregnant with a 3.5 year old.
I'll be keeping my eye out for some good advise here....................................

Libraloveschristmas1975 · 19/12/2008 08:41

Whilst I am not sure you handled it in the best way he handled it with all the grace of Kevin the teenager.

Libraloveschristmas1975 · 19/12/2008 08:42

"I'm also pregnant with a 3.5 year old. "

Have elephants learnt to type?

WhenFRUITYgotstuckupthechimney · 19/12/2008 08:43

hahah, oops you know what I mean!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:43

TBH I am not bothered about doing anything as a couple over Xmas, I put that bit in about us never going out as a couple to show how he goes out more with his old workmates than with me, his wife.

I would just like some adult company.

OP posts:
Libraloveschristmas1975 · 19/12/2008 08:45

Maybe the fact you are not bothered about doing anything as a coupld over Xmas is the reason that he is going out so much with his old workmates. Sometimes you need to make the effort as well.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 08:46

I think it might improve if you were bothered about going out as a couple-it would stop him seeing you just as a mother.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:47

Thank you.

It really never bothers me him going out as usually I am not so tired and pg. I had a shit night with DD last night and feel awful.

I am now letting myself feel guilty because I have asked him to come in at a reasonable time.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:50

I have made the effort, a couple of weeks ago I booked my mum to babysit and have DD overnight (she jumped at the chance) I then told DH that we will be without DD fro that particular night (I knew he had nothing on/booked) and shall we do something, even if it was going to the cinema. He said he didn't want to go out as he was tired.

OP posts:
daydreambeliever · 19/12/2008 08:50

NO YANBU. I have had similar issues with my DH. Yes, they (and us too, although am too tired really) need the odd late night out to blow off steam. Three in one week, No way! It really ruins our whole weekend when DH stays out late, I do try not to mind occasionally but have had rows when it became too often,

Reasons why it ruins whole weekend:

  1. I dont sleep properly worrying about will DH find his was home( has collapsed in drive on cold nights in past and only come into house when I heard him fumbling with car doors trying to find shelter )

2)There is no element of choice in the next mornings lie-in barter. Plus if I lie in at the weekend it would be for an hour or so, I just wake up after that, When hungover DH would sleep all day.

  1. No chance to do nice family outing thingy

  2. DH feels awful the next night, cant have late night in together. moans and goes to bed early

I mean I wouldnt mind say once a monthm, but if this was every weekend I would have no fun at weekends myself. So three times in one week would make me really miserable.

LOL at elephants typing!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:51

Have I really handled this all wrong?
What did I do wrong? was it all of it or just some of it. I truly want your opinions on this so that I don't get it wrong again.

OP posts:
Libraloveschristmas1975 · 19/12/2008 08:53

Well I wouldn't feel guilty about it as you obviously don't have any spare energy and personally I don't think there is anything wrong with you asking him to come in at a reasonable time (it might be better to ask rather than tell). I also don't think it's unreasonable to EXPECT more support whilst pregnant and looking after a 13month old rather than having to spell it out. However rather than sit down and have a conversation about it you (and him) have just let it fester until you have had an argument (done that one myself!). Any chance you can sit down with him over the weekend and explain yourself?

daydreambeliever · 19/12/2008 08:55

The crap thing about behaviour like this is it just shows overall a lack of commitment to the whole family thing. Do you ever just wish your DH came home full of excitement at all the things you can do together over the weekend, all the cheesy family moments type things? I think sometimes it just takes men a while longer to say- you know what, I might as well just move on and go with this.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:57

I have tried talking to him about it but he says I am over-reacting even though I am calm and do not shout and let him say what he wants to say. He does help with DD and the house etc, so I know I should be grateful but why should that give him pass to leave me to pick up all childcare arrangements when he decides he wants to go out.

TBH, I think (although I haven't said) that he should go to one party from his new work and one from his old work, he doesn't need to go to both parties from his old work.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:00

Daydream, do you mean for him to move on from me?

OP posts:
Libraloveschristmas1975 · 19/12/2008 09:03

Also my honest opinion on this is it may have been better to post in relationships rather than AIBU!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:05

Thanks libra, I did think about that but it is a honest AIBU, I really did want to know if I was unreasonable. But I suppose I should have posted in relationships.

OP posts: