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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

226 replies

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:31

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

OP posts:
Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 11:44

I agree with piscesmoon about compartmentalising his life. Where does that leave you? I think you need to see Relate or someone together so that you can put your opinions across without him flouncing out like a stroppy teenager. Jeez, I teach 14 year olds with more maturity and empathy than he's got..

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:45

I am feeling much better now, you all give so much good advice, it is just so hard to put it into action when I have been stuck in this situation for what feels like an age.

I rang him about 10 minutes ago and he is all cheery now, I told him that I had emailed him to let him know to come home when ever he wants as I am going to my mums for dinner tonight and wont be home until DD has fallen asleep.
He said he will still be in early as he isn't feeling well

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 11:45

I have just read the bit about you embarrassing him at his old work do-I am so indignant on your behalf!! He should be proud to show you off! I would be inclined to get your Mum to sit and get dressed up and go-he can hardly claim that it is just for the work force as he doesn't work there any more. (Even if you don't want to do it you could contact him and say that you have just had the idea and will ask your Mum to sit-his reaction will tell you a lot).

DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 11:50

This may sound mean, but does that mean everything is better now?? Because HE is now more cheery???You are still pandering to him, he now has what he wants, your permission, not that he would have needed it I am sure. Men like this wont change if they can get away with their bhvr. Sorry, but I think you know that, and so does he.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:50

Ineedmorechoc, I don't have any outgoings, I made sure of that when we decided that I would be the one staying at home. I don't have any money full stop, it's as simple as that. I could use the CTC but as someone pointed out on my other thread they are for DD, her CB gets paid directly in to her account and gets saved.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 11:52

He clearly has no respect for your feelings or needs. He has said he will be back early anyway, but has pointedly made it clear that it is not cos you have asked him to, but once again for his own (selfish) reasons.
I'm sorry, I just shouldn't come onto threads like this. Hope I haven't upset you.

NotDoingTheHousework · 19/12/2008 11:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:53

No it doesn't mean that everything is better now, I am still extremely angry, TBH I am fucking pissed off. I am going to my mums and I don't want to be in waiting for him when he decides to come home. He can wait for me for a change.

I have emailed my cousin to ask her if we can get together over the weekend, I am waiting for a reply.

OP posts:
whonickedmynickname · 19/12/2008 11:54

ineedmorechoc - i agree with you - there are definately 14 years olds with more compassion and maturity.

Partridge after seeing some of the other posts I've gone back and read th epages I've missed - OMFG - sorry hun but he is being ENTIRELY unreasonable and you are being a bit soft tbh to let him carry on like this.

If hes not having an affair (and I'm sorry to say that it sounds rather like he may be sorry) then at the very least he is a selfish pig who has no consideration for you ro your feelings. At what point did you become his door mat?

He needs to get some balls and start being a proper dad and partner - or else he needs to get lost and leave you to continue doing the fab job with your babies that I am sure you can do - and you'll at least have some of your own money then too!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:59

I love him, I don't want to leave him, I am painting him in a bad light and it is not coming across as right IYSWIM. 95% of the time he is wonderful, it's just the going out bit and not coming in till late. Normally it wouldn't bother me, but I am so god damn tired with this pg and DD teething and all the other things in life that I just couldn't bear the thought of being on my own all day and all night today.

Maybe I am too close to it all to see it as you all do, I don't know. But I don't want to go. I love him and I would have to give up my home and the little bit of life I do have as a family.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 12:01

Good, get angry. Maybe you and dd could stay late and decide to have a sleepover at your mums, see what he thinks to that, or maybe that would please him as he could laze about all morning. I don't know. He sounds a very selfish man, and you deserve better, and so does your dd.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 12:03

I don't know what to say..

  1. He goes out 3 times a week, one night of which he's out til the early hours.
  1. 6 nights of the week you are the sole carer for your DC.
  1. You have NO independent money of your own. You would like to go part-time, but he has stated that all child-care costs are to come out of your wage.
  1. He doesn't want to be left alone with your DC so you don't have a life independent of your child.
  1. You are isolated and have few friends.
  1. You are pregnant, at his suggestion.
  1. You have arranged nights out in the past and he has claimed he is 'too tired'

8 He is having a dubious relationship with an ex-colleague, and you've seen suspicious photos on Facebook.

Have I missed anything?

Does this sound like a marriage to you? I don't think it does. You are not a partnership, he shows you no respect.

Do you want to continue being made to feel like this?

I would write him a long letter; be packing my bag; stay with mum for a few days; and let him work out whether he wants a marriage.

I really feel for you, but you have to stand up to him What kind of behaviour is he modelling for your child? They will grow up believing htat this is the norm and that this is the way you should be treating women...

whonickedmynickname · 19/12/2008 12:04

he cannot go out 3 times a week when you don't get to do the same

sorry but thats not a PARTNERSHIP
thats a control freak taking over your life.

If he let you go out when you wanted then it would be different - btu he doesn't. THAT is what makes his behaviour so selfish - the fact its one rule for him and one rule for you

DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 12:04

Why would you have to give up your home?? I know we can't see the whole picture so we can't really judge, but he does seem very self centred, he needs to put some of your needs before his own fun, esp as you are pg again, and obviously suffering a bit. I remember how tiing it was with dd1 when pg with dd2, esp in the first few mths and you get SOOOOOO tired.
I hope your dd sleeps thru tonight and your H doesn't wake you up when he falls in the door.

stocious · 19/12/2008 12:07

if it was me, i'd tell him to FO and i'd go stay with my mum over christmas. i'd leave him a long letter telling him why.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 12:09

Because if we broke up I do not have any money or savings to pay for the house, so I would have to goand live at my mums, that is not fair on DD or my parents for that matter.

And he doesn't mind me going out as long as if I am not out long. The thing with my cousin was just a one off, I think he was thinking 'fuuuucccckkk how am I going to cope with DD" DD is going through such a trying time and it is hard, I have developed coping strategies in the day, he does not cope well with a demanding child.

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 12:11

You don't have to give him up if you love him, but you do have to get him to change. I have no doubt he is cheery now but I wouldn't mind betting that he will feel better later and will not be home early-that was just put in to get you to feel better, at my guess.

LoveMyGirls · 19/12/2008 12:14

I would be kicking him out to stay at his mums, if he wants a single life he can have a single life but I wouldn't be waiting around doing all his washing, cooking and cleaning while he's out enjoying himself. I once kicked my dp out for 3 days he soon learnt it was better to be at home with me than at his mates who didn't even have loo roll or lightbulbs!

My dp went out on his works do last night, just the one and was back at his mums (stayed at his mums so as not to wake me and dd's and so he could leave his car at work and his mum could give him a lift) by 11pm and text me at ten past to say he loves me and can't wait to see me, he thinks of me and our dd's all the time, I expect nothing less and I wouldn't allow him to behave your dh does. All men can be arses at times, mine is far from perfect but he does respect me and treat me fairly and most of all he shows me he loves me and would never stop me from doing anything I want to do.

If he comes back early he might have learnt he's pushing it too far if he doesn't I would go mad the next time, unless you stand up for yourself he will keep pushing and walk all over you.

I would also be tempted to leave dd with your mum tonight and go with a friend and find out whats really going on.

DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 12:15

Well he will have to get used to it, they seem to get more demanding as they get older. I presumed it would be the other way round, but dd1 has just turned 5 and often seems harder work than dd2 who is 2 1/2.
And why shouldn't you stay out til you are ready to come home?? What time does dd go to bed, I mean she may be trying at the mo, but usually she must just be sleeping the whole time, so why does it matter what time you come home.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 12:16

If I were to stay at my mums tonight though, wouldn't that be like I was spitting my dummy out?

OP posts:
LoveMyGirls · 19/12/2008 12:16

I have developed coping strategies in the day, he does not cope well with a demanding child.

He needs more practise then!

We've all had to learn to cope fgs that's what being a parent is about, not just the nice times but the times when it's hard and it wears you down and out why should he get to pick and chose while you pick up the bits he can't be arsed with ?

LoveMyGirls · 19/12/2008 12:18

By the sound of it its about time you spat your dummy out. I'd have done more than spit my dummy out of my dp had reacted to my concerns about fb/ going out too much as over reacting. You have every right to feel hurt. He see's you as the babysitter/ cleaner/ maid NOT as his loved wife/ partner - I'd be bloody livid!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 12:19

darksomenight, that is what I have told him, I've just said deal with it, that is how children are, deal with it or don't either way she is gonna carry on that way. He didn't like that.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 12:20

Spit your dummy out....he is being unreasonable.
LMG is right, life is all about the hard stuff too, he can't just pick and choose when he wants her, just like you and every other parent he will have to learn to cope with the harder stuff.
Trust me I know what it's like, my DH always encourages me to go out, then moans and tutts, until I mdade it more than plain that I wont be made to feel bad for being out and coming in late on the rare occasion that I do go out. I am now in a group that meets a couple times a mth and have the occasional girls night out late, and he knows better than to tutt and moan. I bloody deserve it, and so do you.
This is all I am saying, he does need to see that you too have needs, and there is no reason that his should always come first.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 12:21

I feel I need to clarify, he does loads around the house, cleans, hoovers, does the wshing and ironing etc. I never have to ask him to do things like that, he just does it.

OP posts: