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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

226 replies

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:31

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 10:55

Just stop pandering to him. Just stop. Don't help him look after her, or he wont learn to do it himself, why would he, you are there to jump in if he gets stuck. He will figure it out. Go out for your spare time, then he can't get you.

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 19/12/2008 10:57

So he has a chance to out with you more often, but he doesn't take it because he's actually concerned about your mum???

He's not taking you tonight because partners are not invited?

Now, if I were you, and I'm not, I would get my mum to babysit and arrange to meet a few friends where he is having his do. Then I would spy and find out what is really going on.

But that's just me.

I've gotta go now, good luck.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2008 10:57

I just read (with alarm) your post about your dh not letting you go to your cousins..

Oh Dear.

To me, that sounds so controlling.

Please, please start getting out more - you could probably really do with some time away - to just be you. Even if you don't do anything else, get out on your own while you can.

And him getting defensive(re the other woman) would ring some serious alarm bells for me. Maybe he does have a crush, and hasn't done anything, but still a worry.
And all the more reason to start getting out more - strengthen your ties with your friends/family etc.

good luck - I really feel for you.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:58

Do you know what I found working 50-60 hour weeks while heavily pg easier than staying at home full time with a baby/toddler.

I want to go back to work, but he will not help pay for childcare, that will have to come out of my wages on top of it he will probably expect me to cover half of all of the household outgoings again.

I would have to get a full time job, not part time.
I would love a part time job, I don't care what, anything will do me, as long as I have some bloody adult conversation.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 11:00

If your wages wont cover half the household bills then you can't pay half the household bills can you. Is he a moron??
Figure out what a little part time job would pay for and say you will manage that, or that you want to do it to save it fora holiday or something. He really does sound controlling

StephanieByng · 19/12/2008 11:05

"he will not pay for childcare"?????????????????????????????

This is not what I would call a marriage; aren't you supposed to be a team, making plans and choices together? Where is YOUR voice in this marriage?

DesperateHousewifeToo · 19/12/2008 11:08

I wouldphone your mum and get her to babysit tonight. Then text or email (whichever he is most likely to get) your dh and tell him that you are coming out with him tonight.

Then meet up with him and get to know these work people.

Tell him, if he wants to go out so much, you want to go too.

He does sound as though he wants to keep you all separate.

purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe · 19/12/2008 11:11

This sounds worse and worse...

is "his" money his then? How come he gets to decide that "he" wouldn't pay for childcare?

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:11

Oh god he would be so mad with me if I actually did that. Mum will babysit so no probs there, but he will be mad for embarrasing him n a work night out (although he no longer works there)

OP posts:
lottiejenkins · 19/12/2008 11:14

He sounds like an unreasonable twonk......... you dont sound happy!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:15

He would rationalize it by saying that as I am the SAHM and I decide to go back to work then I should pay the childcare.

Mum would do it, but she would be knackered and I would not want to take advantage. So DD would have to go into a nursery/crech or to a childminder. I know I would get tax credits to help but he still would not pay. And yes he sees it as his money not ours. that is my fault as we have always dealt with our money that way. the big difference when he wasn't working as I was (pre DD) I still transfered some money every month in to his account.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:16

I sound like a doormat don't I!!

that is not me, I don't know how I ended up like this!!

OP posts:
Sunflower100 · 19/12/2008 11:21

You need a joint account!

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 11:30

WTF????? Oh my GOD. Are you actuall happy with this man? I can't BELIEVE what I'm reading. He's unhappy with you going out and comes up with shitty, feeble excuses. He REFUSES to pay for childcare so would expect that to come out of your wage. WWWWTTTTTTFFFFFF? I am so [fangry} on your behalf. Does he actually want you to have a life?

Where do you live? If you're anywhere near Guildford, then we can have a night out together!

I would lay it all on the line for him this weekend. Then I would leave and stay with mum for a few days so he can think about whether he actually wants a wife and not a slave. AAAAGH!

DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 11:30

Ummm, why would you coming out with him embarrass him??? That is not right AT ALL. He should proudly display you and show you off to his friends, and proudly introduce you and your blooming belly full of HIS 2nd child as his wife and be happy that you are there with him.

I'm afraid that you do sound a bit of a doormat.
I have an ex husband who was embarrassed by me, and it is a huge part of why he is now my EX.
I am fuming for you.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 11:31

Oh my word, I was so cross that I posted a message full of typos.... As an English teacher, that is shameful...

Salleroo · 19/12/2008 11:33

Partridge you poor old thing. You need to sit down and have a good think about this, I agree with Cliff and all the others advice.

You are not being selfish. He leaves you put your DD to bed alone 3 nights a week while he is out with old workmates. I'd put the foot down there for a start.

And the 4am night out,I dont effing think so. He would be home by pub closing at the latest, he is not a student anymore, and apart from everything else it wakes you up when he gets in I'm sure. I presume this is Wed night so he can have his lie in on Thurs?

Going to 2 old work parties, my DH would be going to none. He is obv going to see this woman. Imagine it yourself, you have left and moved on to a new job, yet you keep turning up like a bad penny at the old work dos, something is up.

You are not a nag, and if you are then I must be a harridan. My DH also has 3 parties this week, Mon (Co Party), Wed (Dept night out), today (Mgrs lunch). Now, I'm happy for him to go to them all but he had his late night on Mon, was wrecked Tue, so was told to be home no later then 10 (came in at 8) on Wed and as today is lunch I dont see why he should be out after work so he is coming home. He respects me and understands why I want him around. DD has been sick all weeek, and me from yesterday. He got up to her last night, this morning, gave her breakfast, hung out the clothes, played with her all before he headed off.

I'm sorry to say your DH is treating you like a doormat. Is he purposely being a dick on nights out with just you so you wont bother anymore and he can just go out with his buddies?

I think a long chat is called for. It's going to get even worse when you are trying to look after 3 children, your 2 and him.

Make sure you get lots of sleep this weekend and I wouldnt worry about being a nag. I would say no effing way to his Monday party. He's had his fun. You couldn't go for a couple of drinks with your cousins as he cant mind the baby after a days work - Jesus!!! and he wants a second.

Sorry this is so long, but I was getting more and more annoyed as I read through it.

Good luck and take extra care of yourself, you deserve it and he obviously isn't going to do it.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 11:36

Um.. also, how is he bloody affording to go out so much. Do you have a joint account? Why wouldn't all the money be pooled together into the account if you worked part-time and then the child-care come out of that?

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 11:37

I don't think he would be embarresed by me per say but more embarresed by the fact that I was there and none of the others in the group would have their partners with him.

Plus I am only 10 weeks pg so my belly is still just mostly fat lol

We do have joint account, when I was earning we would both transfer half of the houshold bills into the joint account every month from our own personal accounts.

OP posts:
DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 11:38

As I have said before he bloody well can mind the baby while you go out. He is not "minding" the baby, he is NOT the babysitter, he is her father. ANd you too have done a days work and deserve a night out.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH, I get so angry about shit like this.Get tough, don't ask him if you can go out, he isn't you dad, tell him that you have arranged a night out on such and such a night as you've been working hard and deserve it. Give plenty of notice and plenty of reminders. If he arranges something on that day tell him to FUCK OFF, literally, ask him to leave, because otherwise you will be living your whole life like this.

piscesmoon · 19/12/2008 11:40

I think you have just slipped into your joint life. He has got you in a nice little compartment in his life-completely separate from his other compartments. I should resolve to get out of it from TODAY.
If he is back late I would use the time to write a letter, often easier than talking.
I would make a list of things that you are unhappy about and a list of changes that you want. A joint bank account would be my starting place-there wouldn't then be any nonsense about who was paying for childcare.
Make it perfectly plain that you are not his housekeeper and nanny!

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 11:40

So what do you do financially as you are not working? Do you have to live off the half that he puts into the joint account? Does he get half to himself?

DarksomeNight · 19/12/2008 11:40

Sorry that was a total rant
It's just so unfair that men act this way, thinking just cos your at home you don't work hard being demanded upon ALL the time. You need time for you too, all grown ups need time alone, and adult time with friends or you'd go insane. he is being supremely selfish. If you don't put your foot down and demand equality you will be his skivvy forever as I doubt he will change unless you push him to. I mean, Why would he???

tiredemma · 19/12/2008 11:42

Im sorry- your DH sounds like an utter arsehole.

Salleroo · 19/12/2008 11:42

Thank God I posted after reading the first 4 pages, I hadn't seen the comments about his money and not paying for childcare. You say he is 29, you sure he is not 15? What a complete dick.

I'm assuming you dont want to rock the boat as its Christmas, but I'd pack a bag and head to my mothers for a few days too.

He took a 3 hour bath rather then discuss the Facebook photo, what a woman.

Come on Partridge, ruffle thouse feathers and give him a boot up the ass.