A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

[AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv]

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

But that doesn't excuse the way he has behaved though.
My OH has said to me before when faced with worse Husband behaviour "see I could be worse" to which my response has been "if you were worse I wouldn't be here because to be completely honest I think your bhvr has been quite bad enough, OK??"
YSWIM??

I agree with you CliffRichard. I don't think you have painted too dark a picture if all you posted were facts. The facts speak for themselves. I'm sure he does have his plus points, there has to be otherwise you would not have chosen to marry or have kids with him. However, from your posts, he is being controlling and completely unreasonable.

Please follow the advice, even if it's not today, or even until after the new year. But do think about the model that you are setting up for your child. Do you want them to grow up and look to this as an ideal realaionship model on which to base their future relationships?

Please, at the very least, think about what's been said here, even if you don't act on it.

Good luck. (I really am going now!)

DH's redeaming features;
He provides for his family.
He does lots of household chores (more than I do)
he tells me he loves me without any prompting.
He will give me impromtu presents for no reason.
He puts up with my horrible mood swings. (even when I am not pg)
He understands me when I am having rough times with my health.
He is a great conversationalist (SP?) when we get chance.
He gets excited about the little tings in life.
He understands my OCD and my anxiety levels (maybe only to an extent but still)
He is a good dad (just struggles to cope sometimes, but I am sure we all do at some point)
He understands when I say I don't want anything to do with FIL and doesn't push the subject.
He is my friend and he is my soulmate.
He doesn't mind that I have to have the TV remotes
He is always bringing home DVD's that he thinks I would like to watch, without me asking.
He rings me in the day for a chat.

He is not perfect but he is not all bad.

I may disagree with some of your dh's redeeming features there, like provinding for his family and being understanding. Because if what you have posted is true, he doesn't give you enough money for your needs and sees the money he earns as HIS and not joint. He doesn't take on his responsibilities as a father or else he would make sure you have enough to spend on your dd and he wouldn't mind spending some time on his own with her. Plus he would have some consideration for how you are feeling and he's not showing very much of that right now is he?

But I'm glad to hear some positives. If you think you can work on this, then please do so. You've heard enough now to know that he is out of order on a lot of things, so you need to decide whether to let it continue or demand some respect.

regardless of what his redeeming features or good points are, there are clearly certain issues bothering you or you would not have posted about them twice in the last few days

maybe you are not ready to accept what is in front of you and that the way he treats you is unkind , selfish and leaves you feeling excluded and miserable

he puts too much emphasis on his social rather than family life and is not prepared to talk to you as an equal

if you challenge him calmly, he says you are nagging

i would be very wary of continuing as things are with a man who clearly thinks more of his own life and his friends than his wife and the mother of his children

he sees himslef as a seperate entity, his money is his money, he would not pay for childcare for what are his children too, he leaves you short of money and does not care you are upset.

he is not living as a family man IMO

and whether or not he has redeeming features, you have to ask yourself if you are prepared to live like this for the rest of your life

You posted on the AIBU thread-generally when people do this people have a good go at them! I think every single person has agreed with you-which must be a record!
I think you were just fed up and wanted a moan with people saying 'My dh is a sod sometimes too'. Instead of which you got people noticing things that you hadn't really thought about the state of your marriage and you find it frightening. You are now trying to defend him and make him sound better than your original picture.
You don't have to take fright, but it does mean you should listen to people. The money should ALL go into the joint account and then he could take off a little for his personal account, as long as you open one for yourself and you put the same amount in yours. He only earns the money because you work really hard at home-if he had to employ people to do all your work he simply couldn't afford it!

You should not be afraid of doing or saying things because he would go mad.
What would he actually do i wonder??? What do YOU think he would do????
Is it something you would go to great lengths to avoid?? Are you scared by it.

These are questions you should ask yourself. To put things in perspective.

You are too involved perhaps to see if it has got to hte point where you should be questioning his bhvr. It is easy to this as his bhvr has become the norm.

I got to the point where I no longer cared enough to care if I upset him by standing up to him and telling him he was out of order. While this gave me the freedom to demand (almost) the equality I had fought him for for so long, it also meant that I no longer cared enough to care if I pissed him off, which is ultimately a very bad thing, adn it might be the end of us yet.
But that is me. Try and look at your relationship as an outsider would. And then look at it as your younger self would.
As a strong single woman would you ever have thought you would let a man treat you like this, or back then would you have spoken up and told him to take a hike. The fact that you are married to him and have children should not make a difference in how you let him treat you.
I loathed the fact that basically I could not go out unless DH "let" me, or have a lie in unless he "let" me. It reeked to me of him being more in charge and more important than me. Sometimes his wants were put ahead of my needs and to me that was unacceptable.

I am taking on board all of your advice, I am going to do something about it, what? I don't know yet. I need to work that out.
My marriage is in such a state and I ddidn't even realise so I am going to have to take some time to work out what it is that I need to deal with first and how to deal with it IYSWIM.

No I do not want to live like this anymore, I am going to look for a job so that I have some money that is just mine. I will not let Dh take it.

LULUMAMA >>

How AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE you???????????

MWAH MWAH MWAH

(It's BOM btw)

Also when you rang him he said he would probably be home early becuse he did'nt feel well.
Not because you had asked him to be home at a reasonable time.
Still on his terms.

How can he justify spending money on himself especailly this time of year.

So he does a bit of housework and brings you impromtu presents,guilt maybe?

My younger self would have told him to fuck right off years ago to be quite frank.

I just never sawo our relationship as bad as this.
I need to get out and do something constructive, I am sat here wallowing in self pity and I shouldn't.

I am going to get DD ready and pop along to the job centre.

BOM!!! am good thank you , nice to 'see' you back here .has been too, too long

dusty, that is great, but i also think you need to make your husband sit and listen, and if not, then write him a letter, or something, you are both supposed to be in a partnership, and regardless of whether ytou are working or not, which with a toddler and being pregnant, won;t be for many hours of veyr long, you need to work on other stuff within your relationship too

Partride, I dont think you do need to leave him, but you do need to write out what you expect from him and a marriage and if he cant or wont agree to it then I think Relate would be really good for you both (if you can get him to go).

I have to disagree with him providing for you. You have just enough to cover the basics, shampoo is not a luxury. Why did you have to cancel the hairdresser tomorrow? Because he will be hungover and unable to cope with your dd?

We have a joint account and I spend whatever I want with no questions asked. I'm also a SAHM. It's our money, not his money, we are a partnership.

His redeeming features do make him sound like a nice guy. But again, why is he too tired to take you out for a nice dinner (doesn't have to be expensive) and put his converstational skills to use then, or even 1 drink at the pub, you're a cheap date for Gods sake. It sounds like he is embarassed of you?

I am guessing here, but is tonight the work do or the old work do? He may come home early as his facebook buddy will not be there and he can then have a blow out and come home at whatever o'clock on Tue am as he was such a good dh to come home early tonight.

I really do feel for you, but it's time to put your foot down. Dont think of yourself as a nag, you are a 50% stakeholder in the business of your marriage who has been overlooked and is now exerting her rights. You have 30 weeks before dc2 comes along and you should not be dealing with this situation then.

Can I just ask, was yours the post about the MIL and the secret Christening that you werent but were invited to?

Good for you Anda

Information about Childcare Tax Credits

Let us know how you get on

Heck, look on line it's warmer. Unless you feel like the air and exercise.

It took me a while to start looking at my relationship differently.
I was always very headstrong and never took crap. But you get bogged down and don't realise things are not as you would like them until afterwards.

I just looked in the mirror one day and realised I didn't even recognise the woman looking back at me. I decided I needed my self respect back so decided to stand up for myself.

Partridge not partride! sorry.

Just read your last couple of posts. I can only imagine what you are feeling after all our comments, but it's good that you realise that a younger version of you would not stand for this. You'll work it out.

Re money, that is a huge crux in many relationships. To be honest I dont get people who say my money is mine and his is his and we divide the bills equally. I know of one couple that recalculated everytime a raise was given. I dont understand this when one day there are going to be childen, the mum may stay at home and what then? is she beholden to him for pocket money? Even if you do get a job. All of his and your salary should go into the joint account and you should both have an allowance paid to your own accounts for personal monthly expenses (which dont include shampoo ).

You'll do just fine, maybe this was just what you needed to kickstart yourself into action. Have you asked your mother or yoru cousin how she views your marriage to get an outsiders opinion.

x

Lulu, I tend to pop on every now and again and get stuck on here so dont tendto very often.

Partridge it is hard when you do notice that it has gone beyond your acceptable standard. Even though it may only be in one area of the relationship, as yours is, and mine is really too, but that one area is important and it is the lack of respect for your feelings that is the problem really.
Only you can change it, but I warn you I wrote letters years ago and it made no difference, I even moved out when finances got so bad, I was newly pg with dd2 and couldn't take the stress, but we remained a couple so he still didn't change. It was only after we moved house together again and I had a total panic that I really looked hard at the relationship, we went to relate and broke up. He then realised as I searched for houses that he was actually going to lose me if somethings didn't change. He has changed, so far, I wonder if it will last though as already he seems to be slipping back into the old ways, but he assures me he isn't. I have always found actions speak louder than words.
Only you can judge how bad it really is, but just remember, it doesn't have to be really bad (ie actual abuse of any kind) for it to be unacceptable to you.
and the fact that you have a problem with it is reason enough for it to need to change. There doesn't need to be some big elaborate reason why, just because it is not okay with you is enough.

Good luck with the job hunt and the letter to your dh, these things can be sorted out all is not lost but you put your foot down now before dc2 comes along don't worry we're here for support.

"If I were to stay at my mums tonight though, wouldn't that be like I was spitting my dummy out? "

Um....YEAH!!!! Its just drawing your line in the sand to show where your limits are.

Ages ago when my ds was about the same age your dd was, my dh went out, stayed the night (which i was fine about), but he TURNED HIS PHONE OFF!!!
Maybe not a huge deal, but I thought it was so unfair that he could just completely switch off like that.

So, when he got home I didn't say a word to him, left, and stayed in a hotel. Didn't tell him where I was, turned my phone off etc. It may have been immature, but I was so angry - there was no way I could have been there. Also I wanted him to see what it was like to be worried in case something happened to ds, and I could not be found.

It was a good lesson for him!

YANBU. The only thing I don't get is why you want him to be in for midnight - is it so he can help with night waking? (will he be in a fit state) or so that you can have a lie in in the morning? I am not critizing just wondering! Dh seems to have alot of nights out organsied - I would'nt be happy especially as you are PG and have a baby!

Could you show him this thread?

About eight months ago I posted some details of my relationship and was told on a thread like this that I was a victim of abuse. I did not want to hear this and got quite angry.

I showed dp the thread and he was furious and we had a really hard time for a while. We have though been really working on our relationship, and both of us have made changes as we were both in the wrong. Things got better and then after we moved we hit crisis and I made plans to leave him in the new year.

We have , following advice on Mumsnet been for some counselling and we are happier then we have been for years. Things are not perfect but we are certainly on the right path.

Partridge-How are you today?

What time did he come home after all?

Yes, what happened last night?