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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

226 replies

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:31

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:51

Just him talking, I have no way of knowing for certain, if I have ever had to ring him though it does always sound like he is out and about but I have nothing concrete.

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Sunflower100 · 19/12/2008 09:52

Anda - I didn't mean you specifically iyswm - we all do it (I know I do). But actually now you have said he is usually out 4 nights a week I think you have every right to be seriously hacked off! What are his priorities??

angrypixie · 19/12/2008 09:53

I think it is unreasonable to 'play mother' and give your partner a curfew. I would not accept that from my DH. Don't treat him like a child he'll behave like one (ie slamming doors and storming off)

I would plan for a girlfriend to come over & watch christmassy movies and drink wine tonight (adult company) and also give him a list of times that you will be out yourself; with friends or simply in bed with a good book and chocolate, anything that's child free.

And the couple time thing is a must - I would have been peeved that he was too tired to go out when you arranged for you mum to have DD.

But I know nothing about the potential relationship with another woman thread!

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:54

When we do go out it feels like I have forced him, yes he will come out, yes he will chat but there is an underlying subtext that makes me feel that he actually doesn't want to be there with me IYSWIM.

I am not sure if that is the case, I think to an extent I am projecting my self doubts IYSWIM.

OP posts:
June2009 · 19/12/2008 09:54

daydream meant move on from his old lifestyle and commit to his family.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:56

He is not out 4 times a week. he finishes work at 4pm and his old work is just around the corner form where he works now, he will pop in to see them all approx 3 times a week but it is only for a couple of hours and he is home by 6 or 7pm so not a deal imo.

One of those nights he will stay out with them though and that is the night that he gets in at 3-4am.

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faithandhope · 19/12/2008 09:58

YANBU

My DH got into a habit of gonig out at least 3 times a week and like you did not nag.

But resent builds up and there comes a time when you think hang on a minute this is taking the piss.

Why should I get lumbared most nights with the tea time and bedime routine whilst he is sitting in a pub somewhere relaxing and having an adult conversation.

I had the exact same conversation with DH this morming as he is going for a christmas meal this afternoon and said he should be home by 5pm.
I told him he better be as he was out last night and came back drunk and also we have a lot to do on saturday and it's no fun with a hubby with a hangover much more he drives so don't want him driving the next morning with alcohol still in his system.

Men are selfish ,not all but most and sometimes you need to act like their mother to get heard.

Show him this thread and see what he says.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:58

Oh and I have emailed him and told him to come in at whatever time he wants to.

I would love a night out/in with some friends but I am billy no mates round here, my good friend lives approx 50ish miles away from me and my other friend moved back to Poland.

OP posts:
missingtheaction · 19/12/2008 09:58

I can understand how you ended up where you did on this one, but unfortunately your tactics were not great - telling him to be home by xxx is treating him like an errant teenager and just asking for him to defy you/sulk/try to reestablish his Alpha Male adult status etc etc.

Personally, I feel negotiations and deals would work better for you in future - he goes to his parties as long as he spends one on one time with dd/makes sure you get a lie in or snooze/does the family thing/whatever works for you.

I also think you need to stop this ongoing festering with the other woman thing - either have it out big time (but don't expect him to 'fess up), or accept his excuses and move on.

IMHU.

Libraloveschristmas1975 · 19/12/2008 09:59

"Don't treat him like a child he'll behave like one"
I don't understand this as it's basically letting him off the hook saying it's your fault he is acting like this whereas really as an adult if you did treat him like a child he should have the maturity to say please don't treat me like a child and can we talk about this and come to a compromise.

faithandhope · 19/12/2008 10:00

6-7 pm though is still unreasonable I think when he could be at home helping.

My children have that mad hour around that time and I am counting the seconds until DH gets in to help.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:01

I don't want to act like his mum, I want to act like his wife, but I don't want to be the one who is always in picking up the childcare. DD is his responsibility as much as mine. He asked me about starting to try again for number two, I was of course happy as I had been thinking the same so its not like the pg is out of the blue.

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onebatmotherofgoditschilly · 19/12/2008 10:03

He goes out 3-4 times a week for a drink after work and then once a week goes on a bender??? And you don;t normally find that problematic?

I'm sorry to be blunt, but I'm with wannabe I'm afraid - I think he's seeing this woman.

And if not, then he seems completely uncommitted to the life he has with you.

Gosh, he sounds really unpleasant.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:03

This is the only time I have ever asked him to be in at a decent time, I have NEVER EVER done it before, ever.

I do not treat him like a child, it was once, and like libra says if he didn't like it he should have had the maturity to say to me, I am not a child, we will talk about this.

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faithandhope · 19/12/2008 10:04

Do you mind if I ask how old he is?

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 19/12/2008 10:04

He is on photos cuddling up to some woman at work that you were already suspicious of.

You and him haven't gone out as a couple for a very long time.

You are pregnant and have a 13month old dd.

He has 3 Christmas Dos.

You are depressed and tired and obviously struggling.

And you want to know if it's unreasonable to ask him to be home by 11pm?

Look, my dh would offer to stay in all night if it lessened my load. He would do this because he loves me and has respect for me and empathy for that situation. As your dh has gone off in a huff, I would be questioning how he really views you in this relationship.

I'm sorry, but I think you need to do some seriously contemplating and perhaps bring about a few changes, so that the New Year really does mean a New Start.

A relationship is nothing without respect, and I can't for the life of me see what respect he is giving you.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:05

He is not unpleasant, 95% of the time he is great, I am just so god damn tired why should it always be me, why not him who is tired? Why should I have been the one to be up with DD from 3am, why not him??

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:06

Cliff you have hit the nail on the head, I do feel that he doesn't respect me very much.

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Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 10:08

This thread's moving so fast! You poor thing. I agree with CliffRichard and onebat, he's being totally out of order. He goes out that many times a week? WTF? I can totally empathise with you flipping out this morning. You and he need to have a good old talk. There doesn't seem to be mcuh respect for you being shown....

faithandhope · 19/12/2008 10:09

If he is out until 3am 1 night a week he should for go that and that should be the night he gets up with your DD.

Make a rota for night times and bedtime routine with DD ang maybe a sticker chart.

If he is acting like a child then treat him as one.

CliffRichardSucksEggsInHell · 19/12/2008 10:12

He doesn't respect you because you allow him to walk all over you.

He has his dream woman. Someone who does all the child rearing, stays at home, does all the cooking and housework and doesn't complain when he goes out and behaves like a single man.

Why should he respect you?

Respect is earned. We could all blame him for being a tosser, but you are allowing him to behave in that way. Stand up for yourself, arrange a few nights out where he has to look after the kids. This situation will continue unless you suddenly start getting a little bit selfish. You might as well be a single parent at this point.

Take back control. You are a mature, intelligent woman, not his mother. You had a life before him and you can still have a life now.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:14

FWIW, I didn't flip out this morning I just said to him, 'please don't be too late in tonight', he asked what time I said '11pm but no later than midnight, please'

When he is working, I do bedtime routines, any night wakings, and mornings 6 times a week.

We both get a lie in on the weekend, he gets an extra lie in in the week as he doesn't start work until 11am on Thursdays.

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Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:18

Cliff I know it is of my own doing, I always promised myself to be a wife that doesn't nag, a wife that doesn't stop her husband from doing what he wants. I have brought it all on myself.

I hate being selfish, although some people on here will probably say that I am being selfish asking him to come home at a decent time.

It is so bad to say I feel like my life is a complete failure at the minute.

I had a great job, I went to college, I have qualifications, not degrees or anything but still it is something. I am an intelligent woman and I don't know how I have got stuck in this life that I despise atm. The only good thing I have is DD.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:20

I have never felt this sad and down before, I feel like I will never be happy again at the minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 10:20

I have never felt this sad and down before, I feel like I will never be happy again at the minute.

OP posts: