A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

[AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv]

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

He is being selfish and unreasonable. A compromise wouldn't have killed him - maybe the 2nd old work party could have been missed so he did one from each workplace?

He needs to start remembering his responsibilities...too many men leave wives at home with their kids and carry on like they are single and free of any hasssles....not on!

If he is out even for a couple of hours 3 times a week then I think you have the right to do the same.
If he got back to take over maybe you could do an eveneing class or something to meet people? It must be hard for you not knowing many people where you are. Can he help you meet people? Could you go out with him?

You are not the one being selfish.

If you behaved like this you would seen as a bad mother ,why do men feel it is alright to do this.

It's not their god given right.

I've asked if I can go with him, he says no as the other people will not have their partners with them

Why did you make those decisions and why are you so scared of being accused of being selfish?

Look, a healthy relationship means respect and compromise. You've given him his way for far too long. Have a look at the childminder boards, see how much they get paid to do what you do for free, and they don't do night wakings! You work, there's no question of that. If you had a job, you'd only have to pay someone to do what you are already doing. So what you do is a job ok? A job with no lunch breaks or tea-breaks. I mean it, just ask the childminders what they do and how much they get paid for doing it.

Stop worrying about being selfish. I can assure you that you are not. You have given up your life for this man and your children. You have sacrificed so much - what has he sacrificed?

Have you thought about going back to work? Perhaps you need to start looking around. A paid job does wonders for your confidence and self esteem. You meet new people who actually praise you for the work you do, when was the last time you were praised? And to get paid for it, to earn your own money, that's priceless! Think about it, just a part-time one to get you started.

How about joining a group such as the NCT? You can make friends there and they will offer much needed support. They also do a babysitting circle, so you will babysit one weekend a month and in return you get to go out one weekend a month. So your dh can go out with you! It's so much nicer seeing each other away from the home environment, you remember who you are as individuals.

There are things you can do, changes you can make. Don't go down the whole "woe is me" road. Take back control of this situation and I guarantee that whatever happens because of it, you'll feel a lot happier.

can i just check - he finishes work at 4pm but 3 TIMES A WEEK he goes out for a drink with his ex workmates and comes home at 6 or 7????? and on one of these occasions he stays out til 4am?

IMO that woudl be fine if you had no kids and your were at work/ out with your mates/at the gym etc. but not if you are at home with a toddler and pg. NO WAY

sorry i have not read your other threads and dont knwo about teh facebook stuff, but that alone sounds like an affair to me

or he is very immature and selfish and thinks he is still single

This is the second old work party.

I was invited out about 4 weeks ago by my cousins, not for a massive night out but to go to her house for drink (obviously non alcoholic for me) and nibbles and a girlie movie.

Mum was busy so she couldn't babysit and DH said that as he had been at work all day he shouldn't have to have DD on his own all night So I didn't go.

He is good with DD he does look after her, but DD is at the really clingy stage and DH cannot cope with it (I understand that as it does my head in as well) he expects me to be in the house as a back up for him when he has DD. So I don't really get the chance to just chill out and do nothing IYSWIM>

I ask again, what has he sacrificed for his family.

Stop feeling so sorry for yourself and start getting angry ffs! You've allowed this to happen, I can't even begin to contemplate dh ever doing ANY of this! Your dh sounds like a right twat.

Now stop the sad faces on here, get bloody angry woman! Come on now! I'm not giving out advice if you're not going to take action!

don't let him get away with not looking after your DD. the only way you get confident with your children is through experience.

If he's not having an affair I think he's being an unsupportive shit going out so much.

YANBU. Have had this argument with my dh so many times and I think it is perfectly normal to resent their freedom. I have a dd 3.5years and a 8mth old ds and I hate, hate, hate doing tea/bath/bedtime singlehandedly after having them all day. He rang last night at the time he was meant to be home to tell me he was going to be late and I was so furious I'm surprised my milk didn't go sour! We have negotiated that he's only out 1 night per week in the run up to Christmas.

you need to start finding something for yourself - even if you end up going to the cinema by yourself or joining a book group at first - you need time for you, away from hte kids.

You did'ny say how old he is?

Not that it should make any difference.

lol at start getting angry ffs

I am angry, I am just so adept at hiding it and brushing it under the carpet that it feels wrong when I am angry. Even though I know I have every right to be angry.

My mum will 99% of the time babysit at the drop of a hat so it's not like we never have the opportunity to go out IYSWIM. But he will not take mum up on the offer. He says it is not fair on her We hardly ever ask and mum, she has probably babysat a total of 4 times since DD was born. So it's not like I over use her or anything.

I know where he will be tonight, I have a good mind to get mum to babysit and meet him out!!

He will be 30 next year.

You are pregnant and looking after a toddler. You are NOT being unreasonable!! He is being very selfish and, frankly, needs his arse kicked. My DH1 was like this and I let him get away with it. I know it's difficult to stand up for yourself when you're feeling vulnerable (and you are vulnerable right now). I really feel for you but don't know what to advise . All I can offer by way of support is to say that I don't think you are in the wrong here at all.

Of course you must go out - if your DD is at a clingy stage it is actually IMO a very healthy and right thing that she does experience sole care of her father. It will help them bond. Quite apart from the fact that if he actually cares about you he might want you to have a nice night out.

I think you do need to stop enabling his behaviour. It is difficult, but it will be worth it. I certainly would have gone on an evening out and left DH to it.

He needs to shape up and be a father. I think you need to make him realise work and going out are not good enough now, there is more to it than that. Do it before you lose all respect for him; I would be finding it very hard to find a man attractive TBH who is so crap at facing up to the responsibilities in life that he's chosen.

I would be really pissed off at him going out all the time, esp as something might be going on, but what's worse I think is the "I'm too tired to go out with you" bit. THAT is wrong wrong wrong. He can go out all those times with them, and then have the gall to say he's too tired to go out with you when you've gone to the trouble to arrange a baby free night.

I think perhaps you should invite your mum or a friend over get some (alcohol free) wine and snacks in and watch a dvd, then you have your adult company and he can see that you're not letting his unreasonable bhvr ruin your fun.

You say "He is good with DD" but tbh everything you say in your thread contradicts that:

"DD is at the really clingy stage and DH cannot cope with it (I understand that as it does my head in as well) he expects me to be in the house as a back up for him when he has DD."

"DH said that as he had been at work all day he shouldn't have to have DD on his own all night"

"When he is working, I do bedtime routines, any night wakings, and mornings 6 times a week."

I can't help wondering how he can be good with your dd when he makes such a limited contribution to taking care of her.

I would also be seriously pissed off if, after going out with his friends 3 times a week every week my dh decided that he was "too tired" to do anything with me, especially if I'd gone to the trouble of arranging a babysitter etc.

or as someone else said, tell him when he comes in that as he is having x, y and z nights out that you have arranged that you will go out on a, b, and c night while he stays in with dd. If he complains tell him he's not babysitting, she's his dd too and if he can go out then so can you. YOU are not the babysitter while he goes out and enjoys himself, you are his wife and deserve the same treatment that he does.
Keep putting your foot down,

Partridge
I think it is SOO easy to fall into that trap... the one where you don't want to nag, and be THAT kind of wife, so you end up smiling on the outside, and doing everything, even though you are simmering with resentment.

First, you don't have to be a Nag, but you do have to set some boundaries.

I know in our house, all plans would change if the kids are ill/up all night - i've had to cancel outings, and I would expect my DH to as well. Even if it was to give me a break and offer support.

I do know where you are coming from, as a few years ago I found myself in the same place you are in - doing everything, not nagging...Although it was a bit different as my dh would "ask" i would feel that I should say "ok", when really I was pissed that he asked in the first place. I am not a jellyfish either - I am perfectly able to say what I want, but i just got sucked into a weird place when my kids were small.

Thing is, the more you put your foot down, chances are he will respect you more.

Get out more yourself - even if he doesn't want to go out -YOU get out.

I do totally understand, but you have to stop feeling that if you point out his parental responsibilities, then you are nagging. You are not. And for what its worth, he should be coming home to help you out.

Do you feel that you and the dc's aren't "enough" for him...?

Point out that dd will NOT get used to him looking after her if he doesn't in fact look after her, and that you can't be around to be back up for him as that will completely undermine his authority. He needs to get on with it by himself so she can learn that he is in charge too, not just you.
Turn it round on him, twist it all to fit your plans, and don't feel bad about it, because that is exactly what he is doing to you.

I know its not done on Mumsnet but I'm sending you a hug! He has walked all over you for far too long. It will be hard but this has to stop. He is being so selfish and he is taking advantage of you. Book some time for yourself and leave dc with him and he isn't the judge of whether its too much for your mum. If she says it isn't then it isn't.

I feel that he wants it all, and I am my own worst enemy by allowing that. It is a trap that I have allowed myself to get stuck in and do not know how to get out of.

I don't want to nagg, or to be selfish or to put my foot down or lay down the law but I cannot do it on my own anymore.

Like a poster on here said I may as well be a single mum. That is how I feel, I feel like a single mum.

He can't live the single life and have his little family on the side when it suits him. It iosn't fair. Can you tell that these are all things that I have said myself.
I had to fight DH for years to get one of his 2 lie ins at the weekend, and for him to stop seeing his time with the dd's as a favour to me. They are his too, if I go out he is not the babysitter, he is the father. I don't have to justify coming home at midnight, it isn't as if I do what he does and, literally, fall thru the door at 2am
Put your foot down now and sort this stuff so it's fair because it will not change, and nor will he, when there are suddenly 2 babies.
He needs to understand that you do work as hard as him whether he believes it or not. My DH is exhausted after a few hrs with the dd's and yet still makes comments and noises when I say I've worked hard too, it is really bad, stop it now.

Why arent hugs "done" on Mumsnet? what a load of cobblers!! I give ((((((((((()))))))) all the time!!