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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A genuine AIBU, I want your honest opinions please.

226 replies

AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 08:31

DH works really hard at work,(as I do at hone with DD) is having not one, not two but THREE xmas parties/do's, one with his new work and two with his OLD work

He was out on Monday evening, he is out this evening, and he is out next monday all day as today is his last day at work over the holiday period.

Now as a rule I am not bothered how often he goes out but at the minute I am tired, pregnant and running around after 13month old DD all day. Plus the fact I would like some adult company from him at some point, DD is ace but it is not like I can have a real convo with her is it.

I couldn't even tell you the last time DH and I went out just the two of us. He goes out more with the people from his old work more than he does me and that makes me sad. I have spoken to him about it but he say's I am over-reacting.
I asked him yesterday after he got in from work what time he expects he may be home tonight, he said he doesn't know and it will be late. I told him that I would appreciate it if he would be home no later than midnight as I could do with the break TBH.
DD is teething, I have been up since 3am this morning with her as she will not sleep or settle, she is likely to be the same tonight and I am not looking forward to it.

As DH left for work this morning I did something which I never do with him and put my foot down WRT what time he comes in. I told him to have a good time at lunch and tonight (Yes this staff party with his old work starts at lunch time and finishes whenever) but to be in for 11pm but no later than midnight. He said okay but has gone all 'huffy' IYSWIM. I asked him not to be mad with me as I never do this and I don't think it fair that I am yet again lumbered with ALL of the childcare again and it is not like he isn't going out at all over Xmas with them all. He has left and just said see ya and slammed the door on the way out and gone. He usualy gives me and DD a kiss before he goes but not today!!

TBH I have now seen my arse and he can stay out all fucking night now for all I care.

So was IBU to tell him to be in for no later than midnight?

OP posts:
FanjoForTheYuletideMammaries · 19/12/2008 09:07

AndaPartridge - I think she meant move on from acting like a single man and become a family man!

plantsitter · 19/12/2008 09:09

I think daydream meant move on from that old 'go out and get pissed with your mates' life, Dusty (in case she's gone away or something) not from you.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:14

Thanks, I was all worried there that you all saw something I do not see...phew.

OP posts:
LaTurkey · 19/12/2008 09:15

YANBU! I'd flame DH if he did this. Then again, he wouldn't. Don't feel guilty: everyone could handle things better at times, including your DH.

daydreambeliever · 19/12/2008 09:15

Oh sorry sorry I meant move on from all night drinking sessions to family man, of course not move on from you. Like I said, have had similar issues with DH, who in fact has seemingly come to terms with loss of bachelorhood now!

2pt4WiseMen · 19/12/2008 09:17

I'm in a very similar situation.
DH works and I'm a SAHM. He's been out on xmas do's twice last week and twice so far this week PLUS another one tonight.
I've got a 3 yr old and a 10 month old (who does not sleep! plus is teething)

I'd never tell DH that he has to be in by a certain time as theres no point. Even if he did manage to get home at that time in his drunken haze, he'd be less than useless at helping with the baby in the night or the morning, so it doesnt make too much difference.

What I have done is made sure that the nihts this week he has not been out I've spent the evening with him then pottered off to the spare room to get a full nights sleep (with ear plugs and shut door!) and left him in our room to do the night shift with the baby!

I've also told him that I'd like to go xmas shopping on Sat with my SIL and that we're going to have a drink afterwards and dinner as our own little xmas meal out lol
He mumbled a bit about maybe coming along too with the kids etc, but I said no I need some time to myself and it'll be good for you to spend a day with the kids as you've been out so much lately.

Maybe you could call him today or text and say you're sorry you said he must be in at midnight You are tired and stressed and it came out wrong. Stay out as long as he wants and to enjoy himself tonight but please can you have a break this weekend as you really need it.
Then you make plans today for the weekend (sleeping in, going out, going shopping, whatever you want to do) and stick to them!! Dont jump in and look after DD, let him do it and you do your own thing. Enjoy!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 19/12/2008 09:18

I think him going out that often at xmas with work is fine.

But if you are concerned about his relationship with another woman then it's not fine!

So under normal circumstances I would say YABU, but if he knows about your concerns with his ex-colleague then YANBU.

Tortington · 19/12/2008 09:22

in normal situations withoutthe facebook thing - i would have said - yes YABU

your not his mum

i have had two xmas doos both in one weekend and dh ferried me there and picked me up - no time limit ever set between us.

if the children make you tired and fed up - as children do...then can i suggest not having anymore - especially in your situation where your dh is so very obviously a shit.

so the facebook thing blwe up - and he isn't kissing your arse? - how did you manage that then?

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:24

I have voiced my concerns WRT his old colleauge once before and he again sad that I am over reacting.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:27

Custardo, I don't expect DH to kiss my arse, I do expect him to have an adult convorsation with me when I voice my concerns WRT his possibly having feelings for another woman. He wont he just says that I am over reacting, even though I am calm, don't cry or shout or make demands.

I admit I could have handled things this morning better, but who doesn't get things wrong sometimes. I am not perfect as he isn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:28

Custardo, I don't expect DH to kiss my arse, I do expect him to have an adult convorsation with me when I voice my concerns WRT his possibly having feelings for another woman. He wont he just says that I am over reacting, even though I am calm, don't cry or shout or make demands.

I admit I could have handled things this morning better, but who doesn't get things wrong sometimes. I am not perfect as he isn't.

OP posts:
LaTurkey · 19/12/2008 09:29

I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to want her DH to come home at a reasnable time. She's pregnant and looking after a LO.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:29

Sorry I didn't mean to post that twice, my computer is slow this morning.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 19/12/2008 09:30

I am continually shocked by these men who go out getting pissed all night and come home at god knows what time of the morning and then expect to spend the rest of the day in bed with seemingly no consideration what so ever for their partners. Why on earth do women put up with it? Once in a blue moon is fine, but every other weekend? stuff that. If my dh behaved like that then I think I would have divorced him by now, seriously.

My dh goes out maybe once a month, but he's rarely home later than 10:00. There have obviously been occasions when it's been later, but these have been few and far between, and he certainly didn't stay in bed the next day - I made bloody sure ds went and demanded him out of bed

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:34

I did eventually stop being a wuss and asked him about the picture, he said he cannot remember it being taken and that I was out of order asking him about it, he then stormed off and had a 3 hour long bath so that he didn't have to talk to me.

So I honestly don't know what he is doing, I do think he has feelings for her, but I don't think he has done anything, TBH I'm not even sure he realizes he has feelings like that for her IYSWIM.

I tried to ask him to think if he saw a photo of me cuddled up to someone I used to work with, how would he feel. He didn't answer me.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 19/12/2008 09:35

What is he like normally? does he got out a lot, or are these events one-offs (there are more things going on at Xmas)?

He was/will be out Monday, Friday and again next Monday. So not consecutive nights ... presumably you see him in the evenings in between?

Assuming these are one-offs because of Xmas I think YABU. But ... I think you should set some expectations in terms of what you'd like to do on the other days, maybe he takes DD out at the weekend to give you a break?

Sunflower100 · 19/12/2008 09:37

I think under normal circumstances at Xmas you are BU - but given the other issue of this women I can understand how you feel and who hasn't?
BUT - you definitely need to book some babysitters and go out together AND you need to go out with the girls or do something other than being at home (go for swim/ cinema/ whatever floats your boat) and leave him with dcs- most importantly it would help you but it would also help him see you in another light (other than nagging wife)

wannaBe · 19/12/2008 09:40

I think him storming off and shutting himself away is guilt. If there was nothing going on then he would have had no hesitation in reassuring you.

I bet he doesn't remember the photo because he didn't register it being taken.

Sorry but it sounds as if there is something going on with this woman, especially if he's socializing with her two-three times a week and not with you at all. And if there isn't then it's only a matter of time imo.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:44

He usually goes out for a drink once a week and it is always a late night, i.e he will not get in until gone 3 or 4am. He goes to see he old work mates, after work, approx 3 times a week but only for a couple of hours.

I don't mind this, it is this on top of all the other nights out. I know it is xmas but why does he need to go on two of the xmas parties at his old work, why not just be happy with one??

OP posts:
Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:46

Sunflower, I seriously do not nagg, this is the only time I have ever expected him to be in at a decent time.

This party he is going to today kicks off at 12 noon, so it is not like he is not going to have a good long time out is it.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 19/12/2008 09:46

where is he until 4 in the morning once a week?

SummatAnNowt · 19/12/2008 09:47

YANBU

I don't know what is wrong with some people. Why choose fleeting self-indulgences over building up and solidifying what is right now the most important relationship in his life.

He is an adult with responsibilites now, not a spoilt child to go off sulking when his partner has legitimate concerns. And that's partner, he needs to stop responding to you like you're a new mummy.

Original poster
AndaPartridgeOnADustyTv · 19/12/2008 09:48

They go to the college bar, then in to town to the pubs until they shut then on to a night club, he then walks home at around 3-4am.

OP posts:
wannaBe · 19/12/2008 09:49

do you know this for certain? Do you know anyone else who goes with him? or is this just him talking?

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 19/12/2008 09:50

I do think you could have handled it better, but on the other hand it sounds as tho you're at the end of your tether and I totally don't blame you for snapping. Three nights out in a row happens at Christmas, my husband had the same this week, but he made sure he was home early from work before he went back out to help with dinner, bath DS and spend some time with me before he left. We always have alternate lie-ins at weekends until 9am and then work our weekends around who needs to do what, so we're spending lots of family time together, but also some time to ourselves to blow off steam.

He sounds as tho he's not making much of an effort if he pulled out of an arranged evening out because he was tired. I'd have been pissed off at that (fair enough if you could tell he was shattered, but nights out are as rare as hen's teeth so he should have made more of an effort, especially as you'd arranged it all and all he had to do was bloody show up).

This Facebook thing is another concern.

I know you say you don't necessarily want to go out (I'm a bit of a potential hermit, myself) but it really makes a difference and you have things to talk to DH about instead of the minutiae of the day.

And bloody well book a night out for you and DH in Jan, just the two of you. You sound as tho you have some talking to do.

Good luck