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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that going on holiday without your DC and not taking them on holiday at all is selfish?

242 replies

christmasgrinch · 13/12/2008 23:12

I know I will get shot down.

But.... I know a few parents who go on holiday without their kids (I mean abroad for weeks at a time) and then their DC don't go on holiday at all! AIBU to think this is selfish.

OP posts:
stillenacht · 14/12/2008 11:44

It depends on the person Coldtits

I know plenty of single mums who have a good social life and do things outside of their children and i know plenty of married women whose husbands have their own interests and don't get home until 11/12 at night (or working very late) and then leave at 7 in morning and because they are married my friends feel as if they can't go and do what they want to do. All depends on circumstances, confidence, personality not necessarily if you are a single mum or not.

Some of my single mum friends have great support with GP and some of my married friends get none or little support from DH and GP's. Swings and roundabouts really.

Ebb · 14/12/2008 12:02

As a Nanny all my employers have gone on holiday without the children at some stage. In my first nanny job the parents went on safari in SA for 2 weeks and were completely out of contact for that time. Baby was only a few months so it wouldn't have been ideal to take her but I'd not long been in the job and I know for a fact they didn't check any of my references and I didn't get the job through an agency. Luckily I'm genuine!

I think some holidays aren't great for children and if parents want a relaxing break sunbathing or visiting art galleries then in can be nicer for the children to be at home but I would expect them to be taken on a family holiday too. I think it's important for couples to get away occassionally without the children ( or singles parents too!)

Ripeberry · 14/12/2008 12:12

I'm dreaming of having a weekend away with DH without the kids! Been almost 7 years now.

alicet · 14/12/2008 13:36

YABU.

Dh and I live at the oppposite end of the country from both of our parents. So we rarely get a break from childcare to have quality time for us. Boys are nearly 3 and 14 months. They will be delighted to go and spend a week with my parents while we go skiing next year. We will not be able to afford a family holiday as a result but they don't care. And we will almost certianly spend most of the holiday talking about how much we love them and miss them. but we will get some sleep and some much needed time to remember why we love each other

Having a mum and dad who are rested and happy is much more beneficial to them imho. Understand this is not for everyone and wouldn't judge others in a similar situation for not doing this so kindly don't judge me for choosing to have a break thanks

MKG · 14/12/2008 14:23

YABU.

I barely want to go away with my husband let alone my children.

Rookietherednosedreindeer · 14/12/2008 14:40

When I was young my parents would visit my Aunt and Uncle in the US once every 2 years.

As part of the trip Mum & Dad would go away for a week and leave me with them. I was spoilt rotten and absolutely loved it. However as my Dad insisted on dragging Mum to civil war battle fields I'm not ensure that the alone time had the desired beneficial effect on their marriage

I don't think there is anything wrong with parents wanting to have a wee bit of time to themselves, although I find it hard to relate to those who choose to be away for more than say a week on a regular basis. But then tbh apart from Jordan and Peter Andre (oh the shame of admitting my TV habits) I'm not aware of any real life parents who make that choice.

daftpunk · 14/12/2008 14:44

yanbu..it is selfish.

alicet · 14/12/2008 14:57

I'm Alice T's DH. I am stunned by the narrow mindedness of someone who would suggest that Alice and I should be considered selfish for spending 358 days a year totally focused on making sure our boys are loved and secure, and just 7 days away skiing when we will be focused on each other (in particular when for those 7 days they will be having a wondeful time with their brilliant grandparents). YAsoooooooooooooooooooooBU!

daftpunk · 14/12/2008 15:01

it's not unreasonable to have a holiday on your own...what is unreasonable is if the children don't get a holiday at all!

Blondilocks · 14/12/2008 15:09

Daftpunk, with that argument people who can't afford to go on holiday at all could be seen as unreasonable as the children wouldn't get a holiday at all either.

Difficult argument really! From my point of view DD doesn't seem to be that indifferent between going abroad & staying in a hotel & going out & about to staying at home & going out and about.

I suppose really the only people who would be unreasonable would be those who go away & leave the children alone (although thankfully that seems to be a rarity) or those who have days off & ignore their children totally.

alicet · 14/12/2008 15:16

But 2 under 3s certainly don't give a sh*t whether they're going abroad and especially skiing do they? a week being spoilt by their gps is much better for them.

So I stil don't see anything remotely selfish about going away without them, without another holiday planned. We spend plenty of time playing with and doing special things as a family. And love every minute of that time together but for us it makes us better parents to have a break.

alicet · 14/12/2008 15:19

Now I know this is a sweeping generalisation so sorry if you don't fit into this theory.

But it seems to me that the people who bang on about it being selfish to leave your children to go on holiday are often people who have family help closeby and on tap for regular evenings out / a couple of hours help here and there / take the dcs out on a Sat for a couple of hours so you can have a lie in.

If we had this we probably wouldn't feel the ened to go away for a week either.

daftpunk · 14/12/2008 15:20

blondilocks;

if you couldn't afford to go on hoilday that's different, you all stay at home. what i would never do is go on holiday with dh knowing my kids wouldn't get a holiday at all.

catweazle · 14/12/2008 18:05

Are the people getting upset about this the same ones who wouldn't dream of taking children out of school for a holiday?

Original poster
christmasgrinch · 14/12/2008 18:08

alice - i have no family help near by - my nearest relatives are 4 + hours away. Rarley go out but do go away for the occassional weekend.

OP posts:
nooka · 14/12/2008 18:39

I think it depends on what the parents are doing on their holiday. Going to Disneyland seems almost abusive if you have children of an age to enjoy it, and know where there parents are going (plus very bizarre - I thought that sort of place was for children, and only indulgent parents go there at all). For us the holidays my parents took would have been very boring, and we had no wish to go with them at all. Especially when we got postcards from my mother saying that the restaurant/hotel my father had planned to stop off at had closed some years ago (he always used very old guidebooks) and they had eaten muesli with water for their supper, and camped instead.

When each of us reached about 16 or so, we had a special holiday with my parents, planned entirely around what they thought we would enjoy (and would enhance our experience of the world natch). For mine we went to the States, and saw amazing things (Grand Canyon etc) stayed on a ranch, went white water rafting and wilderness camping. After that holidays were our own to plan and execute. I think that was a reasonable approach

hecAteAMillionMincePies · 14/12/2008 20:02

"But it seems to me that the people who bang on about it being selfish to leave your children to go on holiday are often people who have family help closeby and on tap for regular evenings out / a couple of hours help here and there / take the dcs out on a Sat for a couple of hours so you can have a lie in."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I have 2 autistic children and NO help. No grandparents who will have them (although my parents only live 20 miles away!) no respite from ss or similar, no support network and certainly no evenings out. It's all down to me and my husband. 24/7.

So you're wrooooooooooooooooong there!

Hulababy · 14/12/2008 20:12

It is not something I could or would do personally.

I love family holidays - they are just so fab.

muminthecity · 14/12/2008 21:16

I go on holiday without DD for a week every year. We also have a holiday together every year, and last year DD had an extra holiday with my parents for 4 days (in the UK) while I stayed at home. We will be doing the same again this year. I think we're very lucky to be able to do this and certainly don't think either of us miss out on anything. Our holidays together are fantastic, but my holiday without DD gives me the chance to do things that I wouldn't get the chance to do at any other time, like lie by the pool sunbathing, go for long leisurely meals in nice restaurants late at night, drink lots of wine, then have a nice lie in the next morning etc. DD stays with my parents while I'm away and has a great time, they take her out almost every day and spoil her rotten. We do miss each other of course and I find that when I get home I appreciate my time with her a lot more.

choosyfloosy · 14/12/2008 21:26

what about if i send ds on the holiday and stayed behind to have long baths and listen to the radio in my own home?

ssd · 14/12/2008 21:27

christmasgrinch, in answer to you op, yes I do think its selfish

ssd · 14/12/2008 21:30

I think the family holiday should be just that, why leave the kids, esp. when they are at school and would enjoy a holiday themselves?

mumeeee · 14/12/2008 21:43

YANBU. We have gone away for a few days by ourselves but we always have a family holiday as well.

muggglewump · 14/12/2008 21:45

2 years ago I went to London 3 times without DD and I didn't take her anywhere. She stayed with my then best friend who she saw daily and we both totaly trusted. She was perfectly happy with that. The year before I went to the Belgian Grand Prix which she gets annoyed (in a jokey way) about now but at the time she wouldn't have enjoyed it.

If I had someone to look after her now where she'd be happy, have fun and I could afford it, I wouldn't hesitate. I don't get any time to myself of my choosing now so I don't see why I, or any parent with the chnace should not have an adult break.

The Disney thing is weird though, it would never occur to me to do that but then I'd pick a totaly child un-friendly destintaion and hope to god not to have to spend the time near anyone elses kids if I didn't have my own with me!

francagoestohollywood · 14/12/2008 21:46

Iabu