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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that going on holiday without your DC and not taking them on holiday at all is selfish?

242 replies

christmasgrinch · 13/12/2008 23:12

I know I will get shot down.

But.... I know a few parents who go on holiday without their kids (I mean abroad for weeks at a time) and then their DC don't go on holiday at all! AIBU to think this is selfish.

OP posts:
bran · 14/12/2008 00:09

I can't see a problem with nappy going away TBH. Presumably her DS was with her DH/DP or GPs and had a perfectly nice time.

I think some people feel that once you're a parent you are not allowed to have a good time unless you have your DCs with you. I bet no-one would have been nasty to nappy if she had had to go away for a week without her DS for a non-fun reason like work.

MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/12/2008 00:10

With all due respect, nappyaddict is still fairly young and kind of needs a bit of wild time. That's ok. My holiday, even without DS, would still be fairly DS friendly. We're old. And our DS is older than NA's DS.

this is why it's so difficult to draw up hard and fast rules. It's balance that counts.

skrimbo · 14/12/2008 00:12

Its quite true that some holidyas are not suitable for children, but I do think the first priority should be taking your children on holiday.

This doesn't have to be abroad tough, my kids went to Alton towers and chester zoo etc and we will have a lochside holiday with a bit of canoeing but I might be going to Paris or barcelona.

I was pissed at exH as he had never taken time in the summer to take them away, and told me he couldn't afford to take them on holiday, FGS they would have been happy with a week in a static with him, but he choose to go abroad with GF instead.

Its the instead bit that gets me.

nappyaddict · 14/12/2008 00:15

Hmm dunno. My friend posted on here a couple of years ago about leaving her 4 month old for a week to go on an optional all expenses paid holiday of a life time with work. A lot of people still didn't agree with her going even though it was to do with work.

herbietea · 14/12/2008 00:18

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nappyaddict · 14/12/2008 00:40

I know someone who left her month old for 2 weeks to go to south america. It was a very much needed break and she came back feeling much more positive. How can that be a bad thing?

skrimbo · 14/12/2008 00:46

2 week old won't get that much out of a holiday but older kids do.

herbietea · 14/12/2008 00:48

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nappyaddict · 14/12/2008 00:51

Every year from the age of 10 I have stopped at my cousins for up to 2 weeks. Even now I still see it as a holiday even though they only live 30 mins away.

nappyaddict · 14/12/2008 00:52

Not everyone has a baby and instantly comes over all maternal. Some people find it very tough and find it incredibly hard to cope. I would imagine for those people it is much more beneficial to the baby for their mum to go away, have a break and come back feeling much more positive and refreshed about being a mum.

herbietea · 14/12/2008 00:54

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MaryMotherOfCheeses · 14/12/2008 01:00

Also, who is the child spending the holiday with?

We're all very quick to complain when we've got no extended family around, or mum is a long way away.

Perhaps it really can be beneficial?

Simplysally · 14/12/2008 01:05

I have been away without my dd and found lots of nice places I can take her to later on. Perhaps it is/was selfish but it's done now.

Simplysally · 14/12/2008 01:09

Incidentally I was wracked with guilt when I had to leave dd for a fortnight when I went on a course - it wasn't possible to come home in the middle weekend due to something else cropping up. I wouldn't leave her that long again. Up to a week is fine.

thumbElf · 14/12/2008 01:11

I think YANBU in some circumstances, but it does seem a bit mean if parents go away without DC and then don't have a family holiday as well.

DH and I really want to go to Borneo soon to see the orangutans before they die out - DS is only 1 - do we wait until he is old enough to come with us, or let him stay with his adoring GM and go by ourselves sooner? Haven't decided that one yet.

herbietea · 14/12/2008 01:13

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VinegarTitsTheSeasonToBeJolly · 14/12/2008 01:18

Well i wouldnt leave a newborn to go on holiday but i have left a 4 yr (ds1). parents need a break sometimes, its does them good.

Have also left ds2 when he was 1, to go away on business but that wasnt a holiday

Its ok to leave dc (in capable hands of course) they wont wilt away without you, you know!

Simplysally · 14/12/2008 01:19

Different horses for different courses. I read on another forum about a new mum who shipped in the grandparents for the night duties so she and her partner could get used to the idea of being a parent (ie sleep) while they fed/changed her baby! I was open-mouthed when I read that but I don't know the full story behind that either.

I wouldn't leave a new-born baby mainly as I fed my dd myself so it wasn't practicable. DD was 6/7 when I had my holidays so not a a baby as such.

CocoaCloset · 14/12/2008 01:29

We have had two 5 night trips and a couple of weekend breaks and DD is 2. She has also had normal holidays (ie week in the Lakes and week at Centre Parcs). I do not want to take her on a plane yet, plus we live 4 hours drive from my family so every couple of months is a mini holiday when we visit.

Coldtits · 14/12/2008 01:30

What a fantastic attitude many of you have.

"I couldn't do it, so you shouldn't, and you are PURE EVAL for even thing about it!!!!!!"

nooka · 14/12/2008 02:50

My parents love having the children, and they sadly won't be around for ever, so I think it is great that the children can go and stay with them, for some "non parent" time. My mother says it is different when I am there too, and they obviously enjoy having them. They still talk about the time they took ds birdwatching when he was one. It was obviously an important bonding process for them. I also think that if for any reason we had to be away from the children it is good that they are happy to stay with their grandparents (and the grandparents are happy to have them). Now we live in Canada I've also thought about sending the kids to stay with them for a longer period in the summer, when they will have their very long holidays, and we will be working.

slim22 · 14/12/2008 03:08

I would if I could!............I live thousands of miles away from family so never been an option.

Tbh we would not want to to. we would however very much appreciate a weekend away from time to time.

"There's no reason why becoming a parent means your horizons have to narrow so that everything has to be child-centred and child-friendly: it's important to have some time to yourself when you have DCs" yes definitely.

When had DS 5 years ago I was very different. Holier than thou new mum attitude and all.

Now with DD I'm much more relaxed ready to regain some adult space. so yes I would now.

BitOfFunUnderTheMistletoe · 14/12/2008 03:10

I don't know about generally, but personally I wouldnt see it as selfish to go away for a week or so with your partner. Happy parents are good parents ! In my case, I can't take dd2 abroad due to her autism, but it would depress the heck out of me to think I could never go away without her. As it happens,I don't really yet, but I certainly plan to!

twentypence · 14/12/2008 05:57

Depends on so much.

If children are going to Grandparents for instance then this counts as a holiday for them.

Depends if it is each and every year, or just for a special birthday or wedding anniversary.

Depends if they would miss school.

I go away with just dh and leave ds with my parents in our house. Dh would go crazy living with my parents for 5 weeks at a time 3 times a year, and this is our way of coping. We do take ds away for another holiday though.

I'm finding it hard to choose something for dh and I in July that I don't instantly think - "oh, ds would love this, we'll wait and do it with him".

WewishyouaBUMPERLICIOUS · 14/12/2008 08:22

"The time you get on holiday is special and different from time at home."

I love this quote! I have an 18 month old and haven't been on a proper holiday with her but have taken her away for weekends to friends or family. When you have a little one, you still have to do all the crappy stuff, changing nappies, getting up at stupid o'clock in the morning, feeding them, cleaning them up, stressing over whether or not they will nap, not being able to go out in the evenings because the DC need to sleep and won't sleep in buggies. Except you don't have any of the stuff around you that you have at home which makes your life easier. And then you realise you have forgotten something vital like their tooth brush, or favourite soft toy. You fret about them being too hot, getting burned, drowning themselves in the pool, drinking bad water etc. This is after taking them on a plane/train/automobile for 3 hours where they cried/threw up, refused to sit down while other passengers/your DH gives you daggers, so you spend the whole time singing wheels on the bus until you are actually willing the plane to go down. And to top it all you've paid £3000 for the priviledge of this magical time. Sounds really special to me!

(Said without an ounce of bitterness as I can't even afford to go on holiday for the next 50 years. I can't even afford to renew my passport.)

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