AIBU to think that teenage mums should be given a break.

[Daisy15]

People are forever ranting on at me for having dd too young as if i don't already know it. Just wish i could shut them up ... any suggestions on how to do that?

Thanks

Just wondering if Daisy15 has been back since this??

It is a shame this thread took a turn for the worse bashing the choices some teens make. I know a couple of really good mums who planned to get pregnant and have a baby at 16. One started ttc a couple of weeks before her exams started, put college on hold but always planned to go back when the baby was old enough, moved in with her bf, had her baby 2 months before she was 17, got a job and is going to go back to college in september when her baby will be 2.6 and can go to playgroup.

If they are old enough to have sex legally who are we to judge them for deciding to become parents?

I got pregnant at 17 and unlike them it wasn't planned but I knew straight away I wanted to keep it. I finished college and had my baby. If I could do it differently I'm not sure I would change the age I had him all that much. I don't feel I miss out hugely. I go out once a month or so and that is enough for me. I never went out all that much before I had DS anyway but would imagine if I was still with DS' dad going out would be easier cos I wouldn't have to find a babysitter and we could take it in turns going out.

There are 2 things I would change and they are being in a stable relationship before getting pregnant (I had only been seeing DS' dad a few weeks) and having somewhere to live of my own.

I was told by mumsnetters that I was wrong to work towards ttc in the future because I have had some temporary money problems and some problems with dp that we are addressing through counselling. Both dp and I are proffessionals who earn above average salaries and any mumsnetter who has met dp and I could I hope contest to the fact that we are loving parents who adore each oher but have had a hard year. Am really not surprised that teenage mothers are being given a hard time in light of my own experiences on here.

I can understand why people do bash teenage mums, but it's hardly fair to 'tar everyone with the same brush' as my mum would say.

My cousins daughter had her son at 15 (he's nearly 4 now). She took one term off school, went back for the summer term to do her GCSE's, did her A-levels whilst working from 5.30am in a local stables as her passion is horses and now works for a large pharaceutical company. She came into some money when she was 18 and has used it to buy a car and put a deposit on a tiny house and pays her own way completely. She has been lucky to have a lot of help (ie childcare) from the rest of the family, but certainly couldn't be accused of letting others 'pay for her mistake'. She is no longer with her sons dad but they are on good terms and he still sees his son regularly.
Having worked in solicitors a few years ago I have to say they have made a far better job of their situation than many adults 3x their age I have come across, so we are all very proud of her.

I would love to volunteer for some kind of program that goes into schools and talks to the girls about this stuff. I would say something like look girls, if you cannot take care of yourself and a baby without help from the government then keep you goddamn legs shut. I mean it is so siimple!!!

but it's not so simple or rates of teen pregnancy would not be so high!

teens have sex, underage or otherwise for a myriad of different reasons, and don;t always use, understand how to use contraception either

i think daisy15 was a journo anyway

pramspotter - but what happens if they have a baby and don't plan to have any help from the government but then they become single and unfortunately now need that help. it's not always avoidable.

Until recently I worked at a school where approx 10% if our year 11 students were pregnant.

There was not one girl who had not chosen to become pregnant or who had become pregnant because she did not know how to prevent a pregnancy.

They were all vulnerable girls who came from very unloving backgrounds who craved love, stability and status. While I would not want to encourage such behavior and I would be gutted if my dd took this route in life I do not think they deserve to be demonised in the way some posters have done.

Well said twinset, i couldn't agree more. There was a girl at DDs school who became pregnant, she was a mini celebrity at the school, shame really. I had my first DD when i was 19 and still living with my parents, it was contraception failure. I had the baby with the support of my parents, i had it easy compared to some young mums who have to fend for themselves.

I don't think at 15 someone is old enough, emotionally, to have children, but its certainly not my place to stand in judgement. In the ideal world, people need to get out and learn to look after themselves before they have another human being to look after, i think it is a vital part of personal development and i feel that even at 19, as i hadn't got out there and lived a bit, i missed out on that. But, I did OK, i was lucky, i had good support all round.

I do question my own thoughts on this though, is it that as a society we keep children as children for too long? At the ages of around 16, girls can get pregnant, they obviously have sexual urges (as uncomfortable as that makes me) etc, they are fit and healthy so biologically 16-20 would be a prime time to have children?? Clearly, emotionally that is not the best time, and nor is it financially - but is that a result of modern society? There are other things that society have made more important, money, career, having fun etc. I'm not putting this very well as i certainly don't condone teenage pregnancy, im just not surprised by it. In tribal communities im sure there are teen pregnancies as the norm, we wouldn't frown upon that, or would we? I have often wondered about this?

Maybe teenagers should be offered contraception as a matter of course? A bit like immunisations, of course they can refuse but maybe if they don't have to ask? I don't know how to combat this and i think twinset is exactly right, it is often children with unstable backgrounds that are maybe searching for stability even, looking for that loving family - that is very sad and i think it says alot about the way that the family is no longer the main focus of modern society.

Daisy15s language was not that of a 15 year old girl.

I think that once again the thread is very black and white.

You seem to forget that there are many categories of young mums. Yes, a small group of them might be immature and might even be on benefits for the rest of their lives.

Most of them will be on benefits for while, then work and pay tax.

Some of them are brilliand mums and some are not - just as among the older mums.

And some of them have wonderful family around to help them, some unfortunetely dont.

I m living in Cyprus, very developed European country, and it is the 'norm' to have children at 16 or 17. The difference is that they have support and help from extended family.
Most of these young mums go to higher education or starting their own business. There are advantages in having children when young. Apart from the energy levels, you are more likely to have a fit mum who will help you. In this case you are actually more likely to do better in your life. (i had my first at 39 and by then my mum was ill and unfit to help me so i had to slow down work wise or travelling etc)

I guess what i m trying to say is that the 'problem' of young mums in uk is connected with the 'problem' of not so strong extended family.If extended family was stronger then it wouldnt be 'problem' with young mums. Like in other cultures.

P.S. i dont think you are 'immature' to have children at 16. You are 'immature' before children whatever your age. I was until the age of 38 then once i had the baby i grew up a decade in 3 months. Once you have a baby you change, whatever your age

I think it is one of those topics where people are always going to disagree. For instance, i have a friend who planned her baby, (aged 18) is now 20, has 2 kids, works, and owns her own house with her fiancee. But then my mother has hardly ever worked, is now in her 40's and pregnant with her 5th baby, gets all sorts of benefits and lives in a council house, which is a tip. Harsh but very true

Perhaps Tiramassu I was just speaking from my own experience, the school I worked in drew chidren from very deprived backgrounds, from a sector of society that the population generally pretends does not exist or demonises. My classrooms were full of Shannon Matthews and I dealt on a daily basis with children dealing with neglect and abuse. It came as no surprise to me that these children tried to escape this by doing very silly things, one common method for the girls was to search for love in much older men and this often ended up in pregnancy. As a school we worked very hard to prevent this but it was a very difficult battle to fight.

I agree about the point you are immature intil your first child though, but some of us are more immature than others.

Twinset i was not replying to you, just happened to be after your post. I meant mostly some other posts that i find black and white, particular one that says that all babies of young mums should be taken away

And i agree about your point

I had a feeling you weren't tbh Tiramissu but I know that I have painted a very one sided view of single mums.

I don't think you painted a one sided view twinset, you just presented a particular side of the argument and a very valid one. That, instead of judging these young people we should be addressing WHY some youngsters think that the answers to their problems lie in pregnancy. I wonder how many of teenage pregnancies are actually planned, if only just in the back of the girls mind.

We must remember to that it is not only young girls who have unplanned pregnancies. Both of my children were unplanned - both a great shock for different reasons, but both very much wanted and loved nevertheless. I was 35 when i fell pregnant for a second time, thinking i had done all the mummy stuff. If my DP had left me then i would have become another single mother, but then i would have been admired for my courage etc just because I am now an older, educated woman. Seems a little unfair to me.

Lucy most of these girls had planned to get pregnant.

I haven't read all of this, but has anyone mentioned the boys/men who get these girls pregnant and then just walk away?

I think one or two people have but not many.

It is true that it is society that makes young mums a problem in our society. Our society seems to say that you should go to school, go to college, go to uni get a good career, then get married and finally have a baby by which time you could be in your late 30s which is not the prime time biologically to have a baby. They say the best time biologically is 20-24 i think.

Imo you don't have to follow the exact order that society expects everyone to take. Once you have left compulsory education if you want to have a child, can afford it and somewhere to live then who are we to judge. You can further your education and job prospects and get married after you've had your child.

There are loads of other cultures where being a mum at 16 is not a problem whatsoever. Not that long ago it would have been the norm in our society aswell.

However this is not to say I agree with teen mums or any age mum getting pregnant and living solely on benefits if it is avoidable (so not if your partner leaves you)

Don't know if anyone is interested but I spoke to this Daisy person on MSN. I added her before she started this thread and there was no suspicion of her being a troll. Daisy is definitely not a journo. She has various different pics of her and her mates on MSN and it looks like she is the teenager she says she is. She said she was 16 in september (on this thread she said august) and is in year 11. i didn't think you could get EMA in year 11 and on this thread she said she was in year 12. She's decided her AS levels and wants to go to uni but doesn't know what to do. She said she has a DD who was born 17th august as she posted originally on all the other threads but for some reason said she was born in june on this one. She said her mum is like her DD's mum as she has lived with her since she was a couple of weeks old (it was too late for an abortion) and Daisy lives with her dad. She says she doesn't think she'll ever want to look after her. She doesn't let her DD's dad see her. She says if she doesn't see her then he doesn't need to either. However she did not have any pics on her computer of her DD so who knows if this baby is even real.

i would have been admired for my courage etc just because I am now an older, educated woman. Seems a little unfair to me.

No Lucy you'd have been respected because despite your situation you are supporting yourself and bringing up your children.

The massive problem people have with teenage Mums is the fact they they are taking financial support without having put anything into the system.

If there was affordable housing for single people and a min wage people could live on then there would not be the incentive to have a baby in order to move out of home that there currently is.