Do you write thank you letters after childrens birthday parties? SURELY it's massive overkill / completely over the top gratitude when you've spent ££££ on a party etc?

[PopBitch]

Dd had a party at the weekend and invited the whole class. She was 5 and had a bouncy castle and face painter, it was a fab party.

She was given presents by the guests and we took them home to open later (as otherwise we'd have spent hours opening them at the party).

My questions are:

• Do I HAVE to write thank you notes?
• Do you?
• And if so, do I HAVE to personalise them?
• And What Is The Point?

My feeling is that this is complete overkill since:

a) we provided a party, they provided a gift, that's the deal, everyone's happy, surely?

b) the children giving the gift probably didn't know what was in it in most cases (I alays buy presents for my children to take to parties so it's not as if any special effort has gone into it)

c) In which case, it's the PARENTS writing to the other parents isn't it?

d) it's a waste of trees and time and effort

e) we said thank you at the time, when we were given the gift. They said thank you for having me at the end of the party, all done and dusted, surely?

So, AIBU to NOT indulge in this competitive thanking? I am very interested to know what the mn consensus is on this!

aha - didn't realised you were in Scotland so were talking about P1

In that case - there wouldn't have been a cat in hells chance of DS1 or DS2 (just started reception in September) of getting 30 cards decorated and written in a week

Oh FGS does it matter all that much?

It matters to me that DS (6) says Thank you for things and appreciates where they come from. Because he likes writing I have printed cards for him and he has written them. One of his friends hates writing so his mother printed notes and he signed them. Each to their own.

Presents from his party were taken home and opened afterwards because it was a whole class party and it would have been mayhem otherwise.

Party Thank yous have all been done. Family and friends ones are still work in progress nearly a month later which I am about but they will get done in the end, and he did 'phone everyone who was not actually there when he opened their present to thank them on the day.

So he had a whole class party and a month later his class mates will get a thank you card and this is better and more polite than going in on the next school day and saying 'thank you'?!!!

Actually, if you read my post, class ones are already done and were in fact done within a week. Family ones (where he has already said Thank you verbally) will be up to a month later which is far from ideal.

And yes I think it is a lot better. The cards all had a picture of the gift-giver (taken at the party) and were personalised (it was a secret agent party so the cards were their ID cards and it said 'Thank you' in code inside)

That notwithstanding, it is actually the parents we are really thanking since they chose and paid for the (very thoughtful) presents. A verbal 'Thank you' to the child would not get back to the parents, and due to complexities of after school activities, child minders/nannies picking up, etc, etc we would not see all the parents to thank them in person.

Very often a note doesn't get back to a parent either. A picture of the DC at the party does at least make them worth having and a nice reminder.
I blame computers-I don't think anyone did all these letters before about 1990. They had smaller, more intimate parties and thanked the person face to face. When I was a child we wrote letters to family and adult friends but never to party guests (no one did)and I have done the same with my DCs.
I still think it is rude to have a party production line-take the present away-and opened when everyone has gone and they don't get the pleasure of seeing their present being opened-it takes away the whole pleasure of giving and then you have to hand out a mass produced letter.

Each to their own.

Notes do go into book bags and if parents don't look in the bags that is their problem.

If you can control 28 6-7yos, keep them amused, and keep track of all the presents and prevent them getting broken, then I take my hat off to you. If/when DS chooses (or I choose on his behalf) to have smaller parties then we will do it differently, but we will still write Thank you letters. Since I didn't have parties at all after I was 6 I cannot actually remember whether or not I wrote letters to party guests but I am willing to bet I did, and my DB had whole class parties and certainly wrote letters - and that was 20+ years ago.

I would never attempt to have 28 children at a party! I have only ever had 12 as an absolute maximum.I have left it purely up to the DCs who they invite.
I found thank you letters in my DSs tray at school on parent's evenings. I once, most embarrassingly, found a party invitation 2 weeks after the party and had to phone the mother up and grovel!
I think I have said enough on the subject but I really don't think a note written by the mother, or a trite computerised print off, is more polite than a verbal thank you. However I think the photo at the party idea is lovely-but again is only done because we have computers.

..which brings around another eternal MN debate in which no-one will ever see the other side.

If DS had 12 children to a party that would be exactly half the class. Very devisive, IMHO. He can choose at any stage to do something more outing/treat-like with a maximum of 5 invitees, but I will never let either of my DC get into the business of picking their favourite half of the class.

Before you question my maths the other 6 were family friends.

..and if something is dubious/uneccesary because it is "only done because we have computers" then what are you doing here ? Computers are a fact of life. DS's secret agent party involved the sort of computing power that would have run a medium-sized bank 15-20 years ago and IT consultants with a combined hourly billing rate of about £5K (DH, DB, DS's Godfather). It was great.

I would have written in permanent marker on all of the party goers foreheads 'THANK YOU' to save on paper and confusion

lol Claw

also....if people send the notes/cards in schoolbags...does that mean the classteacher of the Birthday child has the honour of the extra work of handing the notes out...wondering how much they appreciate it!

12 children from a class was hardley devisive-it was in actual fact 9 children since the 12 max included 3 of my own-this meant that 21 children didn't get an invite. As I didn't get my DCs to hand them out publicly those not invited would never have known anyway. This leaves the party manageable and intimate for the party DC and you can treat the guests individually, they are not part of the party production line. You can open presents when they arrive, you can thank them and thank the parent as they pick up. A party is then special. If 30 children in a class all have whole class parties that averages out at more than one a fortnight-no wonder DCs get blase about them. I can't see the point of the whole class-they spend Mon to Fri doing things with the whole class. I can see now why you get threads on here asking what to do with the presents. What DC needs 29 presents?!
If you are going to have impersonal numbers where you whip the present away and have to resort to a computer print out thank you then I would request no presents on the invitation! I am sure my DC at 6yrs would have preferred to have no presents to writing 27 thank you letters-and I don't think at that age I should have done them for him.

sorry -hardly-don't know where the 'e' came from!

"As I didn't get my DCs to hand them out publicly those not invited would never have known anyway. "

hehe - of course they will have known - they do talk to each other in the playground/classroom you know - and birthday children rarely manage to stay quiet when they have a birthday party coming up - I think DS2 told everyone but the man on the moon when his birthday party was - regardless of whether they were coming or not - judging from the number of people that have asked me how it went

I wrote thankyou cards after DD's christening and after she was given presents for her birthday. It was her first birthday so we didn't have a party. I do think it is good manners. I know some people don't do it, my PIL think it is odd that I do it but it is just how I have been brought up.

When DD is older I will get her to make the cards or letters (I will help obviously) but I think it is nice, especially for older the generation. I used to love making cards to thank people for presents.

But I must admit I don't think YABU not to if you don't want to. I do however think it is nice to do so.

Of course I wrote letters for Christening presents and a first birthday if the person posted them. (since the Christening ones were very special I would have written anyway).
My DCs were not remotely interested in parties they were not invited to. I think it is a bad thing to give children an expectation that every party will include them. Harsh reality will hit them eventually when DCs stop inviting the class. Much better not to expect it in the first place.
Since I did traditional parties at home I simply couldn't fit in 30 children.

Now that we can look back 10 year to photos it is lovely because the DCs on them were special to my DCs and in some cases still friends. If we had had the whole class I doubt very much if we could have put a name to every face 10 yrs on!

I think that the thank you letters that you ask a DC to write should be a realistic amount, and over 10 is too many. I expect mine to write personal letters that have taken time and thought. I don't expect them to knock up a computer template and change the first few words.

I don't see why a mother writing the letter or a computer print out gives the high moral ground-I would much, much prefer the DC to come up to me in the playground and say 'Thank you'-far more meaningful to both sides-however I doubt whether the DC with the mountain of presents opened when everyon had gone actually would have the faintest idea what my DC gave!
I don't actually mind whether people write a thank you letter to a party guest or not-what really annoys me is the idea that because you print out a letter on the computer and your DC signs it it is better manners and superior to someone giving you a spontaneous thank you verbally.

Surely the little party bag, party goers take home is the thank you.

Im all for good manners, but how many times do you need to say thank you to a bunch of kids!

Round here everyone always writes to say thank you. Even for whole class parties.
I did it as a child, my children now do it.
Great way to practise handwriting and learn to think about each person, what they gave you and appreciate it all properly.
I went into Woollies in a different town from my usual local shopping, and asked for thank you letters. (We usually make little cards but DD2 had a lot to do and I had a busy week ahead) Normally shops stock them alongside the party invite themed paper. None at all. I asked an assistant who said they didn?t stock thank you cards there as they never sold Looking at this thread, amazed at how many do not do it and perhaps this explains why some areas, basic courtesy of writing a thank you is dying out.

I do not really do it for the children to receive thanks - I do it as an exercise for my daughter to appreciate and consider all she has been given. Kids get given a huge heap of presents, quickly open, quick buzz and smile out of them and then that is it. Nice to try to help them appreciate and consider it. Same with Christmas.

Thank you cards are NOT DONE in Norway, other than for wedding and christening presents.

I am thinking of introducing the tradition of thank you cards after childrens birthdays.

What do you reckon I would be?

A) The woman who brough gratitude to the nation?
B) The woman who works to enrich card manufacturers?

I am not surprised they are not sold-if a child is going to get a pre bought card and sign their name I would rather they didn't bother! (the same goes for wedding present thank you cards etc!)
'A good way to practise handwriting-30 times over'!!!
I know a lot of children and even the most dutiful and willing would find 30 handwritten letters a chore!
I treat it the same as Christmas, I don't send Christmas cards to people I see every day-I wish them a happy Christmas.
If the DC has a party one day what is wrong with thanking the present giver the next day?

If Grandma posts a present, they write a thank you letter. If Grandma is staying for a week over the birthday they thank her in person. Once she has gone home there is no point in writing a letter, she knows all the news, she knows what you have planned for the next few weeks and she was at the party-that leaves nothing to write except -Dear Grandma, Thank you for the lego, love Josh. A pointless waste of time! Much better to wait a few weeks and write a letter or send a postcard with some news, I think that would be much more pleasing to Grandma.
I have yet to meet a DC who has written 30 thank you letters, in their own handwriting, with each one different and personal to the giver, and has got it done in time to hand out the next time they see the DC concerned. It largely means Mum has supplied a card or typed out letters and DC signs their name-I don't call this any more polite than giving a big smile and a thank you.
(If they get 30 presents I bet a lot don't get played with and are either recycled or sent to a charity shop!)