Do you write thank you letters after childrens birthday parties? SURELY it's massive overkill / completely over the top gratitude when you've spent ££££ on a party etc?

[PopBitch]

Dd had a party at the weekend and invited the whole class. She was 5 and had a bouncy castle and face painter, it was a fab party.

She was given presents by the guests and we took them home to open later (as otherwise we'd have spent hours opening them at the party).

My questions are:

• Do I HAVE to write thank you notes?
• Do you?
• And if so, do I HAVE to personalise them?
• And What Is The Point?

My feeling is that this is complete overkill since:

a) we provided a party, they provided a gift, that's the deal, everyone's happy, surely?

b) the children giving the gift probably didn't know what was in it in most cases (I alays buy presents for my children to take to parties so it's not as if any special effort has gone into it)

c) In which case, it's the PARENTS writing to the other parents isn't it?

d) it's a waste of trees and time and effort

e) we said thank you at the time, when we were given the gift. They said thank you for having me at the end of the party, all done and dusted, surely?

So, AIBU to NOT indulge in this competitive thanking? I am very interested to know what the mn consensus is on this!

My two cents' worth:

• I would expect a present to be opened immediately when given and not put on some collective pile to be opened later. This is what we did and I do not ever recall it being a problem. Children like getting and opening a present, and enjoy seeing their friend open what they've given them. It's fairly natural and easy at this point to say thank you.

• Didn't do thank you cards as a child, possibly for reason above, and wouldn't expect one now either.

• Agree that it seems to be more a cultural thing, as nobody I know here (Germany) does thank you cards for presents received and opened in front of giver (which is usually the case)

• Do not agree that Thank You Cards = Good Manners and Lack of Thank You Cards = Bad Manners.

I think it's either something you do or don't do, but I do not think it actually reflects whether you have good manners or not.

I think it is good manners and teaches children manners. My dd had her party 2 weeks ago and I asked her to do thank you cards to those people who came to her party, as we also took presents home and openend them later. Those who she saw outside of party, and who saw her open her presents, she was able to thank in person. She also sent thankyou cards to friends/relatives who posted gifts etc.

lisa...that child had bad manners, simple...
however, believe me , that is not what would happen in my house, and I certainly did not grow up experiencing what you mentioned, tbh....and, I have erm, experienced many a Birthday and Birthday Party....(to bloody many, lol....)

rebelmum...oh are you german, too?

that last one is a very good point Stewie

If you invite the whole class, as much as one would like to, it isn't always practical to open 20+ presents during the party ...

This year for the first time we had a children's entertainer and he incorporated opening some of the presents in a game ... but it wasn't possible to do all of them because of time restrictions/the patience levels of 5 year olds

Just because they are "set aside" for later (not dumped in a pile!!) it doesn't mean that they aren't much valued and appreciated. That's why I always send a thank you note - to get that point across.

Meant to add, the meeting and greeting bit of the party (arriving and going) is usually a bit of a scrum at our house with parents and siblings chatting excitedly in the hallway and dc running about ... I think I'm being polite by NOT allowing the presents to be opened then amidst all the chaos, but to be appreciated later when everything has calmed down ...

and actually ours are "dumped" in pile precisely so they can be appreciated when they're opened rather than a mad rush to get through them all.

Can't imagine dd would ever have 20+ presents/invited people at a party (even when she gets to school). I think I only had about eight friends even for my disco party aged 10. Maybe I was just really unpopular...

I think YABU. Yes having a party is an effort and expense but it is polite to thank some one for a present in writing.

I would always firstly thank some one for the present and make a further comment saying it is just what my child wanted or they have enjoyed playing with it or whatever. Sometimes if my DCs are going to a party I make a special shopping trip to get the present which involves parking costs, petrol and then spending time searching for a present the child would like. I think it is laziness and bad manners on the part of the party host if thank yous aren't sent, however basic they are.

It will also help your children to improve their handwriting, literacy skills if they send notes..obviously when they are 5 they may just sign their name ...and the next year copy something out..gradually learning to write a note themselves.

oh the smuggery, the stream of people writing rather hostile lists of how to be a Perfect Guest and the accusations of Foul Play is you do not meet the high requirements of English etiquette.

People noting down all the costs and time and effort involved i buying a present.

How have I managed it? How come I have always found it so easy to pick up a present, at small expense to myself, without giving it a huge amountof thought and without first being fully aware of the child's unique personality and star sign.

I am surprised this has been so contentious, I did expect people to disagree but I didn't expect people to feel that strongly about it.

I'm still not going to do it and I think probably after tomorrow the moment has passed anyway.

All variants on opening/non opening/letters/no letters are ok except for judging people for not using the same variant as you. That's the height of bad manners and more importantly mean.

Its good old fashioned manners (and Im not that old!!!) - birthdays and christmas. DD even writes a list of what she got from who so she can make them all personal, something I was brought up to do and unfortunatley see too little of these days. I always send a little note when I receive something as its a pleasure to know that your effort however small is appreciated.

Even if she only signs if there are lots, it could be too much to expect her to write them all herself. A nice way to spend some time together if you help her.

it is funny this has got people's hackles rising. I've been thinking about it more (having already stated my position: would write thank you cards if not present at opening of present) and I really don't think I'd want my dd to get that many presents - she's only one and already has the most ridiculous amount of possessions. I'll be trying to keep her birthday parties small - if it is the whole class then i'll tell people they don't have to bring presents. otherwise the whole thing becomes over-inflated. a bit more thought, a bit less cash, quality presents from close friends and family, not quantity from the world and his wife, that'll be what i'll be trying for when she's old enough to enter the currency of birthday parties (which tbh i'm dreading a bit.) we'll see how that goes, but yes, she'll always do thank you letters unless she's actually opened the present in front of the giver and thanked them at the time.

I think I have received three thank you notes after parties (I have an 8 and a 9 year old), so it's the exception rather than the rule in my bit of South London. I was brought up always to write thank you letters at Christmas and Birthdays, to all those aunts and other relatives that we never saw near to Christmas time. I remember hating doing it, but I hope they gave some pleasure. I don't recall ever writing notes for presents received when giving a party.

It's not something I do personally, but if I know the parent I will personally say thank you, and I check that ds has talked to his buddies at school. dd is more likely to formally thank her friends, and she does tend to love all presents, so she is pretty easy on that front. Otherwise most parties are hosted by people I don't know, and I give presents from my present cupboard. I do not feel aggrieved if I never hear anything again. My children have enjoyed the party, and I feel that is a perfectly fair exchange.

For small children I never open presents at the party, because it is too much for many of the children, and I would prefer them all to be enjoying themselves (and to be occupied). Indeed the excellent party manual I used when I held a party at home specifically said no great present opening frenzy. Now the children are older we haven't hosted a party for a while.

However the very best party ds ever went to had the most fab CD as a thank you, and ds treasures it, so a good thank you momento is great. I just don't see that computer printed slips are in any way meaningful.

It's really got people narked this thread, hasn't it?

It's up to you what you do. Write thank yous if you want, use clip art and copy and paste, if you want, verbally thank if you want. If you think one of those is ok, then go with it.

I'm sure if someone wants to have a beef about it in future RL, they will. And if you personally disagree, then that person isn't necessarily full of smuggery, they just have a different POV and expectations. No doubt it can all be explained.

My charges are all expected to write thank you notes for every present they receive, whether they be from friends at a party or from their family. At their school it is very frowned upon by other parents if these letters are written on a computer (generic emails, with just the name changed) or if they are written by the parent. Of course the children moan about it, but they need to be taught to appreciate where things come from. If they do not want to write a thank you note then they cannot have the present, simple as that. One of the girls had her fifth birthday party the weekend she started year 1. By the next weekend, she had written out and decorated 30 cards to give to her class mates. The children have received thank you notes from all the parties they attended.

Lilybeto - I take it her after school activites where cancelled for that week then...........as there's no way in hell my DS1 at the start of year 1 would have managed to decorate and handwrite 30 thankyou notes in a week.

actually the only memory I have of writing out thankyou letters at Christmas and for Birthday presents recieved out of the party was of it being sheer torture, it certainly didn't hekp me appreciate the gift anymore. Infact I came to dread Boxing Day as I got older as I knew that I'd be spending the whole day writing letters to people I didn't know, and probably never would. Thankfully my family is much smaller now so my DS's don't have to spend the same length of time I did - and I don't insist on a proper letter to each giver either - just a short note.

Actually, they weren't. She still went to her after school activities. For the first two weeks of year one, they are at school for half day only. She really enjoyed learning some letters and it also helped her to learn the names of her new classmates.
There is no substitute for manners!

learning some letters? So she didn't learn them in reception??

I think you're confusing etiquette for manners NO-ONE on this thread has said that not saying thank you at all is ok - it's just whether it should be in writing or verbally that is at debate. To me bad manners would not being saying thankyou in any shape or form.

i often dont get around to the thankyou letters. i have very good intentions...then time passes...and i've just left i too long...

did send them last year with dd1 though, she's 6. she wrote one letter. we photocopied it. she added the names by hand. i added an adult- written 'PS' on many saying 'the XXX that you gave was perfect- thanks'.

totally ludicrous to say that such young child should personally write 25 letters!

'I actually find it excrutiatingly rude the way so many people here take presents and then don't open them in front of you but leave them for later. Obviously in that situation you have to write a thank you note as otherwise you would never had said thank you but I would much prefer that the present was opened in front of you and thank you said then.'

I agree with anniemac.It is much nicer to have a smaller party with real friends. I hate whole class affairs where they haven't the time to open them at the party-in that case they would have to write notes because a 5 yr old would be unable to remember who gave what to give a personal verbal thank you when he next saw them!
If the party is on a Saturday I can't see how a poor child is supposed to write 20 or more letters on the Sunday ready to hand out on Monday. Even if it is a little girl, who loves writing and has new pens and paper she is going to get fed up by 6 letters, jaded by 10 and completely fed up bu 15 !!
The only way it can be done is for the mother to write them for her or write one of those horrible computer letters.
I don't know why people are taking the high moral ground because they have written letters for their DC or they have done a computer template with some clip art. Perhaps the guest could solve the problem by giving a card with the present that says:

Dear Josh, Thank you for the lego, I will enjoy playing with it, I hope that you had fun at my party. from--- and just leave space for the birthday DC to write their name -after all that is all they are doing in 9 out of 10 cases! There is absolutely no point in writing a proper letter because they will be seeing the child they are handing it to and could simply say 'Thank you for the present'. I can't imagine why it is deemed more polite to give them a computer print out-or even worse something written by their mother!

FAQ- She didn't go to reception. We don't have reception in Scotland. The children go from nursery to school, where their formal education begins.
She wouldn't have had a chance to say thank you at the party, as the children leave the presents in a pile, and don't always give them directly to the birthday girl/boy. Also, she didn't open them then, so couldn't really thank her friends for the presents.