Do you write thank you letters after childrens birthday parties? SURELY it's massive overkill / completely over the top gratitude when you've spent ££££ on a party etc?

[PopBitch]

Dd had a party at the weekend and invited the whole class. She was 5 and had a bouncy castle and face painter, it was a fab party.

She was given presents by the guests and we took them home to open later (as otherwise we'd have spent hours opening them at the party).

My questions are:

• Do I HAVE to write thank you notes?
• Do you?
• And if so, do I HAVE to personalise them?
• And What Is The Point?

My feeling is that this is complete overkill since:

a) we provided a party, they provided a gift, that's the deal, everyone's happy, surely?

b) the children giving the gift probably didn't know what was in it in most cases (I alays buy presents for my children to take to parties so it's not as if any special effort has gone into it)

c) In which case, it's the PARENTS writing to the other parents isn't it?

d) it's a waste of trees and time and effort

e) we said thank you at the time, when we were given the gift. They said thank you for having me at the end of the party, all done and dusted, surely?

So, AIBU to NOT indulge in this competitive thanking? I am very interested to know what the mn consensus is on this!

It didn't bother me as a child, and it doesn't now, if I don't see the children hurridly opening the present in front of me just so that they could say thankyou for "X" gift rather than "thankyou" when the wrapped present is given to them.

oh well there you go then - each to our own

mabanana i don't get it. you've spent most of the thread arguing against thank you notes and now it turns out you do actually give them.

and yet you're still arguing about it?

If you were really incredulous, don't you think it might have been more well-mannered to say, 'why would it be cruel?' rhater than a rolling eye emoticon and Snort!, which clealry indicates derision, and is rude.
Winky, I said the veneer of manners is thin because I have noticed that quite a few of those who are keenest on thank you notes can be extremely rude in their posts. I don't think real good manners are shallow. I think kindness is good manners, and I'm proud of my little boy who can't bear to leave anyone out of his party.

I would have been very disappointed as a child if the present had been whisked out of the way for later. I also liked to see what other guests gave-then we often all had fun playing with them.
Luckily when I was a child there were fewer parties, with small numbers, and you were thanked at the time and thank you letters were never expected.People communicated by speaking-and they had more time! Modern parties seem like a production line!

Why am I arguing? I think I@m arguing against the smuggery and judgemental attitudes I'm seeing here. Believe me, I'm fully aware tehy exist in real life too, but it is distasteful to me to see the OP called a bitch for just querying this new craze for children to write thank you notes not other children.

I think your DS sounds lovely mabanana-thanking in person or writing a note wouldn't make any difference, his attitude says it all. A lot of people who are so keen to write notes are often quick to call presents 'crap' or want to get rid of them in a charity shop-very shallow IMO.

He is a very kind little boy. He is almost totally unmaterialistic. For eample, last year he had one item on his letter to Fatehr Christmas for himself and four things for his then two year old little sister.

I used to send thank you cards, but then i realised it was kinda pointless cos the kids had already said thank you in person.

We've received the odd thank you letter but tbh i dont understand why you would waste a stamp thanking someone who you saw just a few days ago at the party???

He would also rather give a present rather than get one! Yes, I follow social pressures to do thank you notes (though not handwritten personal ones) but I think there are much more important things.

DDs always write thank you notes, started off as a scribble/picture, then DD1 insisted on doing ALL her own as soon as she could write, refusing offers of help. Now they have a template on the pooter so it is easy peasy. They tailor make them with clip art the friend will like. They love receiving letters from friends too.

I think it is rude NOT to. In fact, I am still pretty peeed off with my brother and cousin, both have had babies in the last year, i sent gifts, which I know arrived, and not so much as an email. It is rude rude rude.

we always keep a record of who gave what and if some gift has no tag attached you leave it till last and it's then a process of elimination, hardly rocket science.

Just another example of why the country is going down the pan, hardly anyone thinks manners are important.

"we always keep a record of who gave what and if some gift has no tag attached you leave it till last and it's then a process of elimination, hardly rocket science."

that is of course assuming that every child brings a gift............

And btw - we're not talking about Christening/wedding/Christmas gifts - we're talking specirfically about gifts given at a brithday party for children from children.

I would expect a DC to write a thank you letter for a present that arrived through the post and insist on it. If the person is there when they open the present they are thanked at the time and it isn't necessary to write a letter.
Doing a template on the computer for them with a bit of clip art is my pet hatred! What ever is the point? If you deliver the present to the party you know they got it and they can easily say thank you. We get one like that from my nephew, I don't mind at all because I know how hard it is to get them to write one and at least it is acknowledged, but we have a good laugh, there is no way he writes them himself it is not the language he would use!
It seems a warped sort of politeness to know that if you asked the birthday DC in the playground how they liked the present they wouldn't even know what it was, but it is OK because their mother has written a template letter on the computer and told you how much they enjoyed it!
Maybe girls like getting letters from friends loobeylou but boys are not bothered! Mine have never read one, they open it, see at a glance what it was and hand it to me (if it even makes it home and doesn't stay all term in a tray). Since they invariably are done on a computer and say Dear - thank you for the ( a sentence about it)I hope you enjoyed my party. from - there isn't much need to read them! It could all be said next time they see the DC.

Everything Thomcat said, and then some. Always write thank you notes. DD can just about write her name (backwards and upside down!) and do the kisses.

Would feel embarassed/ashamed if I didn't do this. When DD is old enough she will write her own.

DD says thankyou at the time, but it is generally a very rushed garbled message as she is too excited to stand still for more than 5 seconds! I think writing Dear ....... thank you for coming to my party and for the lovely present, Love DD x is the very least we can do to say thanks for making her birthday so much fun!

"PMSL @ writing thank you cards helping the child remember who bought it for them"

What a strange sense of humour you have, Gold. Still, I'm glad you laughed a lot.

But seeing as you are so against sweeping statements about all children and how well mannered they are, my SIL tells me that her DCs remember exactly who got them what in the family anyway since they started writing thank you letters themselves. They are ten and 8.

So perhaps it does work for some children. Perhaps not all. But for some.

Gosh, this went on a bit last night after I went.

To be clear:

• I DO think it's important to say thank you for presents.

• I DO think it's important if you didn't see the person on the day, eg if it was sent through the post

• I do think manners are important

• I don't care about class either but someone wondered whether it was a class thing so I stated mine

• I don't 'bung a fiver' at the child whose party it is: I go to a shop, think about the age and sex of the child, choose something, pay for it, wrap it, send it to the party with my child. I work ft oth so this does take some organisation (no shops where I work so has to be done at the weekend). I do my best to get something nice (and the going rate is a tenner in my area so that's what I spend)

• But I expect the recipient to say 'thanks' to my child at the time, when it's handed over at the party: I DON'T expect a thank you note.

• And RARELY have I received one, in fact, I think once over the past 8 years. Which does make me wonder whether this is a relatively new phenomenon. My children have been to a LOT of parties in that time and I have only received 1 thank you note that I can remember.

I don't mind being slagged off on this thread, I don't know any of you either and I posted asking for opinions so am happy to get them.

Whoever asked if I post on other fora, yes, I do. I don't see how that's relevant tbh.

Also, I think giving a present is customary when attending a birthday party. So is saying thank you. Both are fine imo. Personally, if it's my birthday and I have a party I couldn't care less about presents, it's the company I'm pleased to get, not things. And my 5yo isn't particularly bothered about presents either: she waited until 3pm on her birthday before getting a single thing because she just wasn't that bothered. So we're not talking about grasping gimme gimme gimme here.

But I don't think not sending a thank you card when you have already said thank you in person at the time is the same as 'not having any manners'.

I also don't have a party for any reason other than for my child and her friends to have a nice time. I don't have it to get presents or to make friends or to be competitive, it's simply and only to celebrate my child's birthday.

I guess that is part of it POpbitch..
Around here pressies are not opened at the party they are opened after the party when all the guests have gone.. perhaps that is why the custom is more about sending a note as you can't say thank you at the time.?

I always do thank you cards. I do them for my children until they are big enough to do them themselves. My son who is profoundly ASD can sign his name so I write them and he signs them. He can read though and loves reading them before he signs them.
As I always reference the present he always notices that and puts extra kisses for the best presents.

So if you ever get a thank you from my DS2 with no kisses on it that means your present was crap - regardless of the enthusiasm written into the text of it.
Just so you know

The only people who don't send me thank you cards are my family. Rude feckers. I always get thank you cards from DCs friends

Ah, you might have a point, so:

IF presents are opened AT THE TIME and thanks are said then no card is necessary?

IF they are whisked away and opened later then cards are a good idea to let the giver know that...erm, what? Your child liked something and you have a computer?

What about in scenario B where the mother and/or child said thank you AT THE TIME but didn't open it?

I think that's the bit I am struggling with really, the uber thanking.

And I am also coming from a position of not caring AT ALL if I don't get a thank you card when I've bought a present for a birthday party. Plus I have only received one thank you card, ever, and we have been to LOADS of parties. So it doesn't seem that it IS the done thing in my world.

I/we always write a note.

"So if you ever get a thank you from my DS2 with no kisses on it that means your present was crap - regardless of the enthusiasm written into the text of it.
Just so you know"

• that's funny

I never open presents at the party.
Watching someone open presents is only a good thing amongst those you love and know well.
It is just boring for the other children and a minefield for the parents.

I saythat having a friend who every years insists her DD opens presents at the party.
I have witnessed three copies of the same toy, an 'oh I don't really like those- but thanks anyway' and even a bursting into tears because she thought it was something else ( and better).

And she is a pretty nice child
I would never risk that with mine. Especially DS2 who would literally throw to one side one he didn't want. He has done that to me before

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