to think its pretty sad they way some mums, with more than one child try to patronise mothers of one saying oh its so easy with one all the time

[freespiritfreedom]

they do not know all your circumstances.

they amount of help and support/babysitting mothers get varies greatly.

if they want to constanly whing how hard it is, why did they have more then?
esp when they have more than 2 as they knew whatthey where letting themseleves in for its like they expect the kids to be grateful for being born.

just as much as i find it patronising that one child families tell me how mad i am for having 4 and throw the usual 'haven't you got a telly' etc comments at me. Each to their own at the end of the day, and people should judge. 4 is busy but not any harder than anyone else whos got just the 1.

Why get so upset? You've got one, they've got 3, and that person has 7. Yeah, more children does = more work, it's pretty bloody obvious. But debates on amount of work etc, JUST DON'T TAKE PART.

Hive only read OP - as it's all rather long. But YANBU.

Before Ih ad DS (2) DD (5) was desperate for atention all the time and I was exhausted by her constant need for me to be there with her - as much as I loev her it just was'nt practical if other stuff had to be done.

Now she has her little brother they play fab together and I get time to do stuff without the guilt.

I dont think the number of children dictate the difficulty level at all - that said I kniw I could not cope with any more!

When I has DD1 life was exhausting as all my time was devoted to her.
When DS2 pointed his nose I thought I would crumble for the workload just doubled. Now with 4 DCs I find life actually easyer, (not dead easy though) but things like getting along with housework are possible because they tent to entertain each other. I found very hard to do houswork and have an All time happy baby at the same time when having just one. When you have more children you also tend to have differnt priorities other wise family life would be just unberable. So were I before would have wanted everything to be perfect I can now live with some dishes spending the night in the sink.

It is not less tiring or stressfull to have more than one, don't get me wrong but it is a very differnt way of getting things done.

ok, here is how I know that 1 is easier than 3

Sometimes, I have only one child with me

And it is always, always, easier

I think each to their own, I like my family, and hard does not mean horrible, or unpleasant, or boring or anything.

With 3, I get much less time to myself and almost no time to actually switch off, I am almost always supervising the kids even if I am not actually doing stuff with them. And I've needed to be better at organisation which I hate. And I am embarassed more frequently. And the cleaning is endless.

But its more fun, and that makes it ok for me

LOL Fillyjonk

gaby
don't be so aggressive.
No one does those things for me.
And DS2 has special needs including special dietary needs so it is time consuming.

The reason it is so much easier now is that DS1 will play with and entertain DD and will help hugely with DS2.
Because of DS2s need DS1 has learnt early to clean up after himself. He keeps his room tidy and has cooked supper for him and his sister a couple of times a week since he was 10.

DD and DS2 also play together.
When it was only DS1 and DS2 I had to spend much much more time helping and supporting DS2. That time is now freed up.

I am trying to make the point that what we experience is unique to us . I was surviving on only a few hours sleep and had to watch DS2 absoloutely every moment for about three years. So of course it is easier for me now.
And because it was so very hard before it seems idylic now.
That is my personal experience.

But you clearly will assume what you want.

If I am happy and finding it easier then you must have it harder .

It is so swings and roundabouts. I have one. When dd was a baby I had almost no friends. I had pnd. dd was sort of baby/toddler who wanted constant stimuli and wanted playing with all the time. I was very isolated and exhausted. I know that a second baby would be easier for me now as I have a good support network and a framework to my day.

But. When I see friends at this time of year with one in toddlers, one in juniors and one in infants, with all the christmas fairs, concerts, raffle tickets, school projects, assemblies, rehearsals etc then actually I realise that from the pov having only one is so very much easier.

(am I making sense? brain addled from lack of sleep )

That is the worst bit.
I have three children at three different schools and that is quite hard work in terms of organization.
DS2 comes home by special transport and i am anxious every evening about it turning up so that I am not late for DD. And the bloody letters and nativities and carol service and games kit etc etc.

I just have lots of written lists and schedules and have learnt do deal with letters from school imediately or I loose all track

In my experience parents of one child can please themselves more than parents of many!
It is a different experience having more than one, easier as there's no guilt for not playing or entertaining your child the whole time. I challenge any parent of one to say it's not easier to just have one when your children argue or fight, nothing worse than see your children injure and upset eachother and nothing better than listneing to them make eachother giggle.

I think I'm missing something here. With three I have to supervise 3 lots of homework, help 3 different people stay on top of 3 different news/library/sport days, juggle 3 different extra-curricular schedules, make 3 lunches, be available to 3 people to listen/help/sympathise/solve etc.

How can that not be harder than doing it for one? Yes different personalities can be more or less demanding, but kids with siblings can also be demanding little blighters loves.

If you take special circumstances out of the equation - SN, PND, parental health issues etc. - then caring for one child is generally easier.

If your friend is saying it to have a go, then surely the issue is that she's not a particularly nice person, not whether having one child is logistically easier than having more.

lol, the irony of mumsnet

There is a thread over in 'only children' that started off as celebrating only child families, then turned into a barney with mums who felt their multiple child families were being slagged off!

So basically: say it's easier with one kid, and start world war 3

Say it's harder with one kid, and start world war 3.

All these MNers who complain about the endless comments aimed at pregnant women/ childless women/ mums of one/ mums of multiple kids/ mums of twins etc, can we assume that pre children, you never made these lighthearted and indeed conversational comments yourselves?

After hanging out on MN I'm beginning to wonder if it's safe to engage in light banter with any woman of childbearing age, as the capacity to create hurt and/ or offence is too great to risk.

I'm sure it is harder the more children you have, but mums of more than one can be rude and patronising about this.

I've been subjected to months of "ooo wait till you have number two, so then you can tell me I was right all along" crap from one mother of 2 (and she is so damn miserable, she is not exactly a poster child for the two child family...) Okay she is not to know that I have had two children, but my DD died just before she was born so I never got the chance to be stressed out with her care. But she could possibly take a guess that I might be TTC another one and shut the fuck up because it's ridiculously insensitive.

People you don't know that well could be trying for another, unable to have another or just had a m/c you didn't know about. They don't want to have every remark they make topped with "Oh well I've got more so..."

Sorry. Rant over. Promise to try never to patronise mums of singletons, when (God Willing) this baby is born.

mrsgb - some people are very insensitive to others. Sorry that you had this comment xxx

Cupsoftea,thank you; that's kind. It is great to be PG again (though also awful of course)

Haven't read the whole thread but I don't really see the problem - OF COURSE it's harder with more than one child - i don't know how anyone could deny this. However, acting superior because you cope with more than one to someone with only one is an unpleasant thing to do - but it doesn't take away the fact that it's harder to look after more than one. To say otherwise is just bonkers IMO

"I assume you're not having any more as you find it so hard with (however many she has)".

there are many things that ARE more difficult with more than one child, that's not being patronising, it's a fact, but it's obv something that only a mum of more than one can tell you because you have no idea until then, do you? I know I bloody didn't!

However, there are also some things that are less difficult - at the risk of sounding like queen Neglectful Mother, they do keep each other occupied sometimes! When you've got one, it's all down to you, when they've got each other, they don't need you to play all the time! So I think in that way, ime anyway, that's what's been easier about having 2 (but mine are close together) of course the flipside is all the bloody FIGHTING!!

Really though, it would probably be best for people to not give their opinions unless they are asked for! That'd solve a lot of problems, wouldn't it? So if you ask what it's like with more than one, then you get told. If you don't ask, then they should take the hint and keep their gobs shut!

Well I have twins, so didn't choose to have more than one- although I'm delighted I did.

And to be honest when we have time to take one of them somewhere by themselves or when one is ill in bed and the other is downstairs with me (like at the moment) - I do think "what on earth do mums of one complain about? this is so incredibly easy in comparison".

Siblings play together but they also fight together - I probably spend as much time breaking up arguments between my girls as I do being able to get on with stuff because they are playing nicely together.

However, I don't say any of this to friends with one because I agree that you don't know their circumstances and no one really knows how life really is for anyone else ie all the facts of their help/support/happiness.

I think if you don't drive it is easier with 1.

I have 2 children with a 5.5 year gap between them. It's hard going dragging ds out to collect dd from her after school activities.

I have said this, but not to another mum, to my dp, or my mum, but just so you know, it is harder having another its 1 x 2 so double the trouble, not patronising its a fact. Unless you have a troublesome dc, but still 2 is a bigger number, so sorry YABU, whats it matter anyway! We all generally start at 1, so all of us have been there!

I have found it much, much harder with 2 than 1. That's just me tho.' I don't think it is patronising to admit this to others, it is simply something I have found to be true for me.

Fillyjonk - I?m sorry but I have to laugh at your comment ?You need to find enough hours in the day to play and talk and read do all that sort of thing.? All that sort of thing is called being a parent isn?t it, regardless of how many children you have. And there's much more onus on you to do it when there is only one child, so if you find it a bind it would surely be hell with just the one child.

The fact that it is easier when you have just one child with you for the day is immaterial. You know that later that day, or the next day, that child is going to have company again. You know that you are not solely responsible for his happiness and human interaction 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

I have no doubt that if DS is still an only when he's a teenager then it will be easier than if he was two teenagers. But until then I still believe that two are easier, simply from the point of view of ensuring their happiness.

yes i can imagine that would grate. I used to just have one child, can't remember anyone syaing that to me, but I can remember feeling really relieved and a little bit smug on group hols when i'd got my one child to bed and everyone else was still up and down the stairs 50 times sorting out their multiple off spring while I was enjoying my wine. Now I have 3 and we are trying to adopt one more. iT is pandemonium. It is busier, that I hope is not controvertial - more kids = more washing, more stuff to remember, homework to do etc, but for us, and I stress for us, it is better. I think you should chill out a bit though I do undertand its annoying. Just recognise the pros and cons of both situations and it works out pretty even. Also I agree with an earlier poster - when i arrive at school some mornings looking like i've slept in a ditch then been dragged out of a hedge, running late with all the children streaming behind me in various states of undress / starvation, and I pass the local yummy highgate mum of one who says 'o i din't know how you do it with 3, and working full time as well' as she sashays off to the gym and hairdresser for the day, I hope I can be excused when I say I want to smack her.