to think its pretty sad they way some mums, with more than one child try to patronise mothers of one saying oh its so easy with one all the time

[freespiritfreedom]

they do not know all your circumstances.

they amount of help and support/babysitting mothers get varies greatly.

if they want to constanly whing how hard it is, why did they have more then?
esp when they have more than 2 as they knew whatthey where letting themseleves in for its like they expect the kids to be grateful for being born.

i had dd and ds1 a year apart.ds2 came 4.5 years later.i found it harder to be at home with 1 than i did two.

but i hate all this 'im worse off,no i am 'etc.be happy

Twinklemegan...jajas, all I can say again is, shhh, breathe, and let everyone else judge what's harder/easier/funnier/worth a gold star...just say "hey'I'm a mum too, and how about you...how's it going...are you OK?...can I empathise, help, laugh, or scream with you?"

I agree. I have a friend who used to be really patronising to me when I had just one. "You have just one dd, so you have the time to take her to clubs, I can't with two" or " I don't have time to do sandwiches in the morning with two" There was alot more along this theme. It was hard to say anything, but now I have two and guess what I still do the same things. Some people just can't help themselves. Now she has started playing the "boys are different to girls" card as I have two dds.

But one child IS easier than two, of course it is! I don't see why anyone would get upset about someone pointing this out, it's obvious imo.

Fem - Might not be easier with one, that one could more of an handful than 5 kids

I have never said its so much easier with one because my eldest is severely disabled and tbh it was not very EASY at all!

I don't think one child is always easier. With dd1 I was on my own(dh working in another country) with no friends and family. With dd2, I have dh and dd1 around for company and have made friends locally. It is so much easier second time around. Yes some things can be harder with two, but some people can make out like everything is so much easier with one. Also quite often the mum of one would love to have another and would give up "the easy life" to have another, so does not appreciate being patronised.

of course it is easier with one but it still breaks my heart that i am not a stressed out mother of 4

There are NO absolute rules - there is no obvious.
One child with severe SN may harder than three. One child when mum has PND may be harder than four. One child who needs a lot of attention may be harder than two who play together endlessly. And any child or any number of children, when you are struggling , can be hard.

It's such a sweeping generalisation to make. I know a few only children and it very much depends on the child. Its often hard work for the parents having to take them out more to be with other children, having friends round etc. I may have thought it about other people but would never be rude enough to say it, its a choice to have more than one child (accidents aside) so ridiculous to 'complain' about the extra work.

I seem to have the worst of all worlds though as have 3, eldest with SN who does not get on well with middle child and they fight a lot. Youngest is opposite sex to middle child and tends to fight with her as well. I am sure it will get better but they are all completely different personalities and the mix of genders and age gaps seems to just make it impossible for them to play together for any length of time. Its so much easier when one or two is out somewhere else.

So yes for me it would be easier to have one but there are plenty of benefits for the child as only children seem to have a calmer relationship with their parents and the parents treat them well, don't shout at them in a frazzled state, have more time to educate them, do age appropriate things etc etc... at least that's how it appears to me!

Its not a competition. It really depends on circumstances and age as to whether it is harder having one or more. For example having a newborn and a young toddler is harder than having just one, but now mine are older they play alot together which is easier to get things done, if I just had one they would probably rely on me more for entertainment. But saying that on the odd occassion when I do have one, off ill from school or something, we have such a lovely day and if we need to pop out to get some milk it is such a breeze to walk out of the house with one child than two. I would never regret having two but times like that do make me feel I wish I could spend more quality time with each of them and feel a little less streched. There is adventages and disadvantages to both.
Saying to someone that having one is easier is unkind.
I wouldnt let rip at her. Perhaps she is struggling and envious of you as you remind her when she only had one. But if she is the winding up type or always has to be the victim type can you distance the friendship a bit?

oh it is very rude to say that ANYONE has it easy.

But I wonder if your friend is just struggling and wants to talk?

I'd agree that all things being equal, 1 is going to be easier than 3. I have had 1, 2 and 3.

But all thing aren't equal, are they? some people find motherhood easier. some are better at the juggling and non-anxiousness needed for 3 kids. there is sn, age gaps, personality, all sorts, family support.

I suppose I think well yes, 1 is almost certainly easier, but its a bit rude to point that out.

TBH next time they say it - just remind them they made their own choices. If they find it hard with more than one child (and not everyone does having spoken to parents with 2+) then it is their own fault for having more! It is no more rude to respond in that way then it is for this person to be making out life with one is easier.

And another point - maybe it isn't the fact that having 2 or more is harder - maybe it is also dependent ont he age gaps people choose to have too.

And as for uit being easier with one - I regularly take another child home with me after school, or arrnange to visit friends with children, to take another child out with us on day trips, go on holiday with people with children - why? Because I find it easier sometimes to have a companion for DD, someone for her to play with, rather than it having to be just me and Dh doing it.

As I said before - every number/combination has its easier and harder points. Parenting is not a competition. As mums (and dads) we shoul;d be supporting one another - not competing to see who has the hardest life!

Well, DH and I are just starting to think about having a second (as I am finally starting to accept the possibility of going through pregnancy and labour again). What are the factors we are considering? DS's happiness - yes, my health - yes, DH's health - yes, our finances - unfortunately yes. The extra work? Categorically no, that is not a factor - if that was a factor in our choice then we wouldn't really want another child.

I do feel for people who have a baby and a toddler, for whom I don't doubt that is very hard work. But as Eulalia said, barring accidents, those parents have made the choice to have two so close together with the full knowledge of the work involved with a baby. Therefore I have little real sympathy I'm afraid.

Other mum's are really pissing me off this week, why can't we all smile and talk about the weather, as thumpers mummy said "if you haven't got anything nice/supportive/intelligent to say, then shut the fuck up" well it was something like that.

2 was easier than 1 for me. ds1 was mightmare baby in some ways and I wasn't well. ds2 was a doddle (mr laid-back). If I had had him first then ds1 it would been a shocker. Also the whole first-time for everything learning curve was hard going for me (am a natural born worrier).
I wouldn't ever suggest I had it harder than someone else; I don't know what it is like to be them...
I do rather look up to people who look after twins.

"Well I'm going to stick my neck out and say that once the second one is past the baby stage then it is easier with two than one."

How many do you have megan? What are you basing this on?

Two kids is more fun, imo (three is even better) but its certainly harder. I don't get how it could be easier, really.

Yes they play together but you still have to clean up after them both, do all the tedious householdy stuff for 2 kids (washing, etc). You need to find enough hours in the day to play and talk and read do all that sort of thing. You quite often have 2 sets of urgent questions that you do actually want to answer being fired at you.

You get respites when they play together. But usually, at least here, those games involve cardboard being scattered across the floor and so you pay for your break. Which was probably spent cleaning in the first place.

They do actually gang up on you. This is cute at first but does get wearing.

It is pretty hard to find time to concentrate on one.

You can't just wander into a coffee shop and have a leisurely cake, you rather sit there twitching, and smiling fixedly, occasionally hissing like a kettle, until you give up and slink out of the door.

You can't easily do a lot of shopping as you will have 2 hands to hold.

I think having 2 is absolutely worth the hard work, I am not expecting any sympathy. Actually I'd find sympathy a little insulting-I like my life, I like a challenge. But, you know, anyone who really thinks 2 is easier than 1...well...I'd strongly suggest that you don't make contraceptive decisions based on that idea.

"Well I'm going to stick my neck out and say that once the second one is past the baby stage then it is easier with two than one."

How many do you have megan? What are you basing this on?

Two kids is more fun, imo (three is even better) but its certainly harder. I don't get how it could be easier, really.

Yes they play together but you still have to clean up after them both, do all the tedious householdy stuff for 2 kids (washing, etc). You need to find enough hours in the day to play and talk and read do all that sort of thing. You quite often have 2 sets of urgent questions that you do actually want to answer being fired at you.

You get respites when they play together. But usually, at least here, those games involve cardboard being scattered across the floor and so you pay for your break. Which was probably spent cleaning in the first place.

They do actually gang up on you. This is cute at first but does get wearing.

It is pretty hard to find time to concentrate on one.

You can't just wander into a coffee shop and have a leisurely cake, you rather sit there twitching, and smiling fixedly, occasionally hissing like a kettle, until you give up and slink out of the door.

You can't easily do a lot of shopping as you will have 2 hands to hold.

I think having 2 is absolutely worth the hard work, I am not expecting any sympathy. Actually I'd find sympathy a little insulting-I like my life, I like a challenge. But, you know, anyone who really thinks 2 is easier than 1...well...I'd strongly suggest that you don't make contraceptive decisions based on that idea.

I've got three children and find it all bloody hard.

Found one easy.

Found two easy.

Then I had my third and it all fell apart. I look at people with one child and feel deeply envious that they only have one bed-time to do, one child to dress in the morning, one child to clear up after. More children = more mess, more tantrums, more work.

Wouldn't swap them for anything, but it is bloody, bloody hard work. Yes, they play together but they squabble and fight with each other more than they play.

You really need to have lived it to understand the sheer horror of relentlessly squabbling children. And when you have three the squabbling opportunities are hugely multiplied. They gang up on each other, and on you. And they outnumber you and your partner. That's when they really get the bit between their teeth.

oh snap gaby that is it, isn't it

There are MORE of them than us

I have friends who do the whole "one family member one vote" kitchen table democracy thing.

Well, YES, because they have ONLY ONE CHILD.

God we'd be eating nothing but Thomas spaghetti shapes for the next 20 years if I tried such lunacy.

See - it is different in different circs.
I found one hard.
I found two dreadfully hard ( but two has severe SN)

I found three a peice of piss. Great fun. Easy. Just lots of juggling but no way as hard as one or two.

Different circs change things hugely

What on earth is patronising about that
Surely it is FACT
I have one child and tbh it's a piece of piss a lot of the time
I see the grey-faced mothers of several trudging to school with dark rings under their eyes and feel very sympathetic towards them.

So what if it's their choice? Actually it would ahve been my choice too if I had been able to have any more.

Who does your housework/washing/packed lunches/room tidying for you pagwatch? I'd probably find three a piece of piss too if I wasn't exhausted by tidying up and cleaning off the dirt produced by three children.