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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its pretty sad they way some mums, with more than one child try to patronise mothers of one saying oh its so easy with one all the time

199 replies

freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 16:16

they do not know all your circumstances.

they amount of help and support/babysitting mothers get varies greatly.

if they want to constanly whing how hard it is, why did they have more then?
esp when they have more than 2 as they knew whatthey where letting themseleves in for its like they expect the kids to be grateful for being born.

OP posts:
pucca · 19/11/2008 17:06

The thing is, you don't realise how much harder it is having 2/3/4 until you actually have that no of children.

When i just had dd i thought my day was busy and i did think it was hard, but it was a different type of hard (1st baby, didn't know much about anything). Then i had ds and now i DO look back and think how much simpler my life was with just dd, especially how it would have been now with her starting school.

needmorecoffee · 19/11/2008 17:06

I think if someone has help/babysitting then what they comnplaining about. Haven't been babysat for for 17 years. Never been out with dh.

compo · 19/11/2008 17:08

I don't get why people always take the fun out of the present by saying things like

when yu have a newborn 'wait until their toddling'

when you have a toddler 'wait until the new baby comes along'

when the new baby comes along 'wait until the baby wants all the toddler's toys'

when you have one at school and one at home 'wait until there both teenagers'

aaarrgghhh!! and so it goes on

then it will be 'wait until they've both left home, you'll be so lonely'

and then 'wait until your a MIL/grandparent' etc etc

it's enough to make you want to jump off a cliff

idlingabout · 19/11/2008 17:09

I have only one and no intention of having more. I definitely 'have it easier' when it comes to things like after-school activities as I don't have to juggle multiple requirements like my friends have to.
However, many of these friends have commented that I have things harder then they when it comes to family support as we have no relatives nearby at all which really makes a difference.
None of my friends would dream of trying to goad me in the way the op is experiencing though. The only person who ever whinges in this way is my sister who has chosen to have 3 kids; she is very much a 'grass is greener on the other side' person so would whinge whichever way round we had chosen our family planning. Some people are just like that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/11/2008 17:20

course one child is easier than one with most things, ie feeding, getting into car, shopping,seeing friends, sorting out bath and bedtime etc

plus the fact you dont HAVE to be anywhere apart from fun things ie music etc

with 2 or me, the oldest unless twins is likely to be at nursery/school so you HAVE to leave the house by 8.30am etc - which can be a nightmare with a nb baby/toddler

but

when you have 2 or more they do entertain each other

i now have 3 children to look after, of course it is harder to have 3 rather than 2 or 1

everything takes more time but i wouldnt change a thing

as a first time parent you are learning all the time, and when no 2 or 3 comes you know roughly what you are doing, so does get easier as well iykwim

MadMarg · 19/11/2008 17:38

Do you have a mutual friend who has more children than she does? You could make a comment like:

"Yes, I guess it is harder with X children, I guess you won't have X + 1 children then, if you can't cope now, will you? But then again, "Nancy" seems to cope with X + 1 children really well. Maybe you could get some pointers from her?"

A bit passive aggressive, but then that is exactly what this 'friend' of yours is being!

Surfermum · 19/11/2008 18:35

But having a child/children is only part of the picture, so you can't judge whether someone has it "easier" or not purely on the number of children they have.

I only have one (and two when dsd is with us) but I am also working as many hours as I can as we need the money, working on our business, doing some volunteer stuff and looking after 4 elderly parents who are all ill to one degree or another, two of whom have regular falls.

I might be the only one at the school gates who has one child, but it's all the others who are saying to me how hard things are for me at the moment (and offering to help).

TeenyTinyTorya · 19/11/2008 18:39

I actually think it can possibly get easier the more kids you have, as they can entertain each other and your attention isn't concentrated on the one. I wouldn't presume to tell other people how easy they have it with one child, but it's just one of those things people say. It wouldn't bother me particularly.

babylovesmilk · 19/11/2008 18:40

Well in my own personal experience, it is way harder having 2 than 1 - I'll let you know how I get on after no.3!

But having 2 proably isn't as hard as having 3,4,5 etc!

MeMySonAndI · 19/11/2008 18:42

I don't know, but I had 3 for a while and it was far easier than with a single one... but perhaps we were lucky in terms that they were great at entertaining each other so we ended up having some time to ourselves!

Hulababy · 19/11/2008 18:46

There are advantages and disadvantages with any number of children. Neither IMO is easier or harder than the other. Each number has its own problems to overcome. And most people choose to have more than one (obviously not in case of multiples) - so they should stop complaining about it really, and enjoy what they have instead.

RubyRioja · 19/11/2008 18:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 19/11/2008 19:18

I don't get wound up by this. I think it IS harder with more children!

Said by mother of one DS with no extra help, so there

nickytwotimes · 19/11/2008 19:20

I have one.
I have no doubt whatsoever that having no.2 will make life harder. That's why I keep putting it off.

nappyzonehasastroppytoddler · 19/11/2008 19:26

Dont let her wind you up - rise above it

That said i do find 2 harder myself but thats personal to my circumstances and the ages of my dc who currently fight together and need a referee and certainly dont play. Perhaps she is trying to warn you to stick to one as her experience is bad .

My brother warned me to have just one after his 2nd and i thought he was pure evil - sometimes i wish i had listened but mostly i dont

PeppermintPatty · 19/11/2008 19:38

I agree with Janos.

I'm currently TTC child no 2, and I'm aware that it's going to be much much harder when / if number 2 comes along.

And I'm always asking mum's with more than 1 child what it's like, because I genuinely want to know.

Greensleeves · 19/11/2008 19:41

It IS harder with more than one child. Obviously. Why get all unnecessary about it?

MorningTownRide · 19/11/2008 19:42

Because it is easier with one.

You just don't realise how easy until you have two etc.

You'll see what I mean when you have two

duckyfuzz · 19/11/2008 19:43

I don't know if its easier or not, having never had the plesure of only having one child - we went from 0 to 2 overnight! Now I think having twins is easier than having 2 of different ages...

duckyfuzz · 19/11/2008 19:43

pleasure

TheNewsMonger · 19/11/2008 19:44

I might have said something along these lines once or twice, but it wouldn't ever be to 'patronise'. I think you're being a bit paranoid and/or sensitive there.

I think it's not rocket science to get your head round the fact that MOST of the time 2 children are harder than one and so on and so on. Until they are all just scampering around a field, feral like.

Even on a good day, and when the youngest is not a baby but has places he needs to be too! the amount of schedules to keep track of can be so overwhelming.

I honestly found having one child really easy. That's just me, but it wasn't that hard.

Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 19:48

By Hulababy on Wed 19-Nov-08 18:46:13
There are advantages and disadvantages with any number of children. Neither IMO is easier or harder than the other. Each number has its own problems to overcome. And most people choose to have more than one (obviously not in case of multiples) - so they should stop complaining about it really, and enjoy what they have instead.

what sensible advice

OP posts:
Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 19:49

also i think people forget with age and time what it was like when they had there 1st.

OP posts:
TheNewsMonger · 19/11/2008 19:52

I honestly look back on those early days with just one baby as quite halcyon. I don't meant that to put you DOWN Op, but personally, wehn I had my second baby, I was completely and utterly overwhelmed, as dc1 didn't react well. It has got harder really, as even though dc2 is older now, he has some special needs and he's still not at play school full time, but he has an endless schedule of appointments that have to fit in around dc1's ballet, irish dancing, girls brigade, play dates and school obviously!!

those days of just going for walks if i felt like it, napping if dc1 was asleep, not having any where i HAD to be, except coffees with other new mums, to me, those seem like lovely memories. I'd just enjoy where you're at now iyswim.

Portofino · 19/11/2008 19:52

I too believe that it is much harder with more than one - which is why I only have the one! I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown as it is, what with work and dd aged 4.5 going through what appears to premature teenage phase - "No, I hate you, I'm never speaking to you again, I want to be alone" etc.

Sometimes I think it might be slightly easier if I had 2 (of similar ages) as in they might play together to save Mum and Dad having to do play dough etc etc ALL the time....but then i see my friend's kids pushing each other over and arguing and thank the Lord......