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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its pretty sad they way some mums, with more than one child try to patronise mothers of one saying oh its so easy with one all the time

199 replies

freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 16:16

they do not know all your circumstances.

they amount of help and support/babysitting mothers get varies greatly.

if they want to constanly whing how hard it is, why did they have more then?
esp when they have more than 2 as they knew whatthey where letting themseleves in for its like they expect the kids to be grateful for being born.

OP posts:
TinySocks · 19/11/2008 19:53

Oh, but it IS so much tougher with two.
Sorry, but it's true.
Not trying to be patronising.

But, having said that, I am so happy I had my second boy, he is so adorable. And it does get easier (I think , I hope)

TheNewsMonger · 19/11/2008 19:54

ps
obviously it goes without saying that i wouldn't send either of them BACK!! but i do find myself wishing their lives away sometimes, can't wait 'til they're both at school etc, sort of thoughts, which is AWFul. I shouldn't do that.

lalalonglegs · 19/11/2008 19:55

Having several children brings own rewards but one is easier, end of.

cnutdibbler · 19/11/2008 19:59

From my perspective, it is often said when you are having a peaceful little moan (of the sort where you just need to let off steam about being woken up in the night/loosing socks or whatever), and the mother of 2 or more says 'well, of course with more children...' rather than giving you the hug/manly pat on the shoulder/gin that you actually wanted.

It's like some people like to do competitive 'your life just can't be that bad'. I know mine is a piece of piss compared to others - but it doesn't mean that it is unmitigated joy and happiness to me at a particular time

beansontoast · 19/11/2008 19:59

what thomcat said ...about asking her directly but in an open friendly way (so wise,s so wise)

shitehawk · 19/11/2008 20:00

I have one daughter, and in all her seven and a half years, not one person has ever said to me that I have it easier than they do.

I suggest you ditch your friend if you are so upset by her remarks. Or at the very least, when she next makes a disparaging comment, say very politely "You know, it really hurts me when you say things like that. I'd really rather you didn't put me down in that way any more, if you don't mind", and change the subject.

Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 20:03

see most folk on this thread just want to join in with the competativness.
its is easier.
it is not easier
blah blah
so we are not really getting anywhere.

i don't really care if anyone thinks it is or isn't easier that just their view

but this person is annoying me telling me my life is so easy.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 19/11/2008 20:09

Don't you think it is easy though?

Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 20:12

i don't care weather its easy or not.
can't be arsed getting into some sort of online my lifes harder than yours competative whineing thread
so i'm not going to bother.

i do object to being told my 'life' is easy though.

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 19/11/2008 20:14

Maybe take it as a compliment

duckyfuzz · 19/11/2008 20:14

why start it then

Portofino · 19/11/2008 20:15

I NEVER said it was EASY with one. Just that more must be harder. God - it is never EASY! In fact, when you have your first, and you have no clue what you are doing, it is positively SCARY. At least with the next one I GUESS you have some clue what to expect. Not being competitive at all.....

perty · 19/11/2008 20:17

I think a lot depends on the individual children. My first was a very difficult baby with reflux and I had no idea what I was doing. Second time round I had a really easy baby and knew what I was doing / was more confident. My two adore each other (so far) and play together really well. My eldest was old enough when I had #2 to be genuinely useful in entertaining etc. Also first time round I was new to the area and didn't really know anyone, with the second I had a good network of friends and support. There are just so many variables. For me personally 2 has been easier than 1, just busier. However I can easily see how it could have been harder.

LovesTents · 19/11/2008 20:18

Yeh lets not compete - why bother ? It's hard for everyone sometimes !
I think YANBU , I would be pissed too.

TheNewsMonger · 19/11/2008 20:20

Portofino, I think maybe sometimes people have a sort of crisis (of identity) after the first. That's not uncommon. But I didn't have that. I had my crisis (as in, couldn't bloody cope!) after the second.

perty · 19/11/2008 20:27

Forgot to say, absolutely yanbu to be annoyed being told it's easier. Oh and I also hate the "Just wait until..." comments people make.

sweetkitty · 19/11/2008 20:35

I never say this to anyone BUT it is a lot easier with one, so much so I stupidly thought that it was so easy with one very "good" baby that I would have another one when she was 9 months old, fast forward 9 months and a walking 18 month old and a newborn and it was bloody hard.

I have a friend who has one DD who is 3 and she is stressed to the max, she is always complaining about how hard it is especially to get out the house for nursery at 9 and she is always late which makes me giggle as I'm there with 3 under 5 oh and she has loads of help too.

I think she is the type of person who would be stressed about anything though so I think it depends on the type of person you are too i.e. some people are fine with 6 some stress with 1.

cupsoftea · 19/11/2008 20:48

yabu of course it's easier with one child - how could it not be? I don't whine about having a big family - I love it. It is hard work and I get on with it.

adorabelle · 19/11/2008 20:54

Some mums with 1 child will struggle others with 4 will find it a (relative) breeze.

My dh & I have decided to have just the 1 child as I'm a Sahm & I don't want to have another baby & thankfully dh is in total agreement.

If you struggle with being a mum it doesn't matter if you have 1 child or 4. I've stuck at 1 cos it was harder than I thought it'd be & to have another would have been waaay too much to handle.

LovesTents · 19/11/2008 20:55

I have 3 ,I don't want to have 4 as it's hard enough already but I wouldn't say to someone who has 2 'god you have it so easy ' fgs but I also wouldn't say to someone who has more than me 'how do you cope'.
It's all effin hard , so where do we stop with this you have it easier thing , it could go on and on, arrgh.

Miyazaki · 19/11/2008 20:59

yes it is annoying the my life is harder than yours shitola.

it's like you are then supposed to spew up all the shit bits of your life to make someone else feel better. And I save that for the very special people in my life!

adorabelle · 19/11/2008 21:01

Well said Lovestents. Being a Good mum is bloody hard regardless of how many kids you have.

MollyCherry · 19/11/2008 21:04

I'm an only and I have just one DD and will probably be keeping that way.

Obviously from a pure numbers point of view, logic dictates that more than 1 child will be harder, but there are so many other factors to consider.

I do think that as a parent of an only child you do feel that you need to be their playmate/entertainer, as well as factoring in all the other parental duties, whereas if you have more than 1 child and they can play together that isn't likely to be an issue, (not saying you wouldn't want to play however many kids you have - but the guilt level if you don't is probably not quite so intense if you at least know there is someone else there for them).

Personally I also like to try and arrange things with freinds and their kids so she has as much opportunity to develop her social skills as possible, which is not so pressing if they have a brother or sister to practise them on!

I had a similar thing crop up with a friend of mine who felt that the things I had planned for me and my DD over the summer were unachievable for her with a 3.6 and 1 year old (I'm talking watching Pocahontis, then making a wigwam in the garden and a totem pole out of painted boxes so nothing massively strenuous).

She works one day a week, has the older child in nursery 2 1/2 days a week, little one in on the day she works, family help 1 day a week and a husband working 9-5 from home.

At the time I was working 3 days a week, the only time DD was in nursery was when I was working and my DH was working an average of nearly 70 hours a week, so how her life was so much harder with 2 I cannot fathom, but it's all down to perspective.

All children are different and everyone's circumstances are different, and how we all deal with parenting is different. I just don't think it's possible to say anyone has it easier than anyone else, purely based on the number of kids they have.

babylovesmilk · 19/11/2008 21:06

YANBU to pissed off at being told it is easier with one at all. But I'm afraid it is! Some people will find motherhood easier than others for all sorts of reasons.

babylovesmilk · 19/11/2008 21:09

"I had a similar thing crop up with a friend of mine who felt that the things I had planned for me and my DD over the summer were unachievable for her with a 3.6 and 1 year old (I'm talking watching Pocahontis, then making a wigwam in the garden and a totem pole out of painted boxes so nothing massively strenuous)."

I think this is the difference between having 1 and 2 - especially with a baby. I found it MUCH more tiring than having 1!