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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think its pretty sad they way some mums, with more than one child try to patronise mothers of one saying oh its so easy with one all the time

199 replies

freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 16:16

they do not know all your circumstances.

they amount of help and support/babysitting mothers get varies greatly.

if they want to constanly whing how hard it is, why did they have more then?
esp when they have more than 2 as they knew whatthey where letting themseleves in for its like they expect the kids to be grateful for being born.

OP posts:
PerkinWarbeck · 19/11/2008 16:34

I just have one child, and, from what I can see, having more than one does look like harder work.

However, there are some exceptions. An old acquaintance of mine was forever telling me that I didn't know I was born, as I only had one child and she had 2. However, she didn't work, had paid childcare in addition, had a cleaner, a car, and her mother was also nearby to pitch in. At the time I was working outside the home with no cleaner, car or family support. I refuse to believe that in that particular case her life was harder than mine.

But I guess that's a bit of a one-off.

Thomcat · 19/11/2008 16:34

Oh yeah, leaving the house with 1 child is absolutley a hundred times easuer with 1 child than with 3. FACT. However I don't moan about it to a mother of 1 child, or to anyone else for that matter!

UnfortunatelyMe · 19/11/2008 16:35

I think its harder with one. They expect you to entertain them. With 2 plus there is a playmate.

LazySleepy · 19/11/2008 16:35

I think YAB a little bit U.
I have one child and Im always saying to everyone who has more than one " How do you do it?" I love my DD dearly but I dont think Im going to have another baby. However having said that noone has ever said to me how easy I have it. I think I always preempt that by asking them the above.

beansmum · 19/11/2008 16:35

From what I have seen of other families around here it is a LOT easier having only one. And I say that as a single mum with no family nearby, no friends and no money for babysitters. But as you say, this person doesn't know everything about your situation and really shouldn't be constantly telling you how easy you have it. Maybe she is just being honest though, you really don't know how tough things are for her and she could be right, it could be a lot easier for you.

compo · 19/11/2008 16:36

'Remember that people who now have more than one child have had just the one once, so they do know what it's like with just one. Whereas if you've never have more than one child you really don't know what it's like/how difficult it is to juggle more than one. '

very good point wannabe

Lockets · 19/11/2008 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

compo · 19/11/2008 16:38

yes I think your right lockets
I don't drive and that is one of the reasons why I'm not going for no 3
it would be a nightamre on the bus with a double pushchair

VinegarTits · 19/11/2008 16:38

Dotn let her wind you up, just say 'i'm sorry your finding it harder with two, is there anything i can help you with?'

I bet she never mentions it again

rookiemater · 19/11/2008 16:39

But in certain aspects it is easier isn't it ? We have just the one although we would dearly love another time and medical matters are not on our side. We went on holiday with 2 sets of friends, one with the one DD and the other with 2 DDs.

It was very clear that when they are young having two means you have less downtime, or should that read your DH has less down time and logistically clothes and meals are doubled. I would never again argue with anyone who said that two or more was more work, but then no one would be so crass to say that to me in the first place. Seems like you need better friends

compo · 19/11/2008 16:40

great response VT

my sister was always saying to me I have it so much easier with her because I have a dd and a ds and she has 2 ds'.
So one time I told her that she always makes out her life is worse than mine, when we were younger, when we were at school etc etc 'you're cleverer than me' etc etc
I think when I said that she realised and now doesn't mention it

conniedescending · 19/11/2008 16:44

of course having 1 child is easier than having more children......I find mums of 1 children make a song and dance about every bit of childcare thus making life more difficult for themselves. ANd they always seem to carry the biggest changing bags bursting to the seams.

enjoy having 1 and revel in the fact its a piece of piss!

idobelieveinghosts · 19/11/2008 16:44

It must be very annoying for you to always here that coming from this mum.

Of course she is right in so many way...but you do probably have to give your only child a lot more company time that mums with more than 1.....did that come out right?? i mean..when you have more than 1 then they have each others company don't they..not just yours.

My sister has one child...who is very hard work....and somedays i do believe that she has a harder day than me with 8!....mentally anyway..honest!

LovesTents · 19/11/2008 16:44

Yup Lockets you're probably right, however I think the first child is the biggest shock to the system however.

Whether you have one or six it's still going to get hard at times and I think you adjust to whatever your situation is.

Some people get off on getting one up on you, just let it breeze on by !

poppy34 · 19/11/2008 16:46

lol at VT.. but this is irritating - along with the "wait til they get older/they're walking etc" - I could have punched the people that said that when I was barely fucking coping with my newborn.

That said I'm assumign that second time around you do have some benefit of experience (looks hopefully at otehr mums of more than one)

BetteNoire · 19/11/2008 16:47

It's not a competition.
Not sure why anyone feels the need to prove their life is harder than that of anyone else.

Perhaps what you consider a whinge is actually a cry for help.
Or maybe it was just a passing comment, and you are being a little bit over-sensitive.

nowwearefour · 19/11/2008 16:49

it did annoy me when i had only 1. now i have 2 i am v guilty of saying it often to people with 1 and i am always aware of how annoying it must be. i dont cope that well with my 2 so i guess i must be great company!! but i do know what you mean, op

needmorecoffee · 19/11/2008 16:55

its common sense its harder the more kids you have to deal with but you do get more laid back with more children and don't make life so hard for yourself.
But I have now discoeverd that 3 NT kids under 3 is way easier than one disabled child. I didn't know I was born!

noonki · 19/11/2008 16:56

I found the baby really hard work the first time round, the shock of it all made it difficult. Don't think the second was as big a shock but obviously harder work than having one. But that was for me.

I look at my friend who has one DD with a lot of sn and is a single parent, and no one would consider my life harder than hers.

My DP & 1 have three DSs between us and that is infinitely harder worker than one but infintely more fun as well.

joyfuleyes · 19/11/2008 16:58

I find two far easier than one (I have a big-ish age gap) - much less intense & time consuming. I expect three will be harder though.

The 'best' comment I've heard about mothers (note mothers not parents) of 'onlies' is that they aren't 'real mothers'.

PlynetteB · 19/11/2008 17:00

I get this also as 'all i have is the one'. I get this mostly from the in-laws, SILs. My SILs, one has 5 children varying ages between 7 and 24 and the other has 3 with one pre shooler. BEFORE i had mu DD my life was easy as i didn't have children now I do I have it easy as i have only the one so wait til you have more...
I can't win..
I know how insulting it is to hear this time and again. I don;t have baby sitting services like they do, they go out every week with their partners and one even manages to win canoe races!! With my one preschooler and no baby sitting services available I'm lucky to get to the hairdresser.
Maybe your friend is finding more than one difficult.

Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 17:02

yeah its not a competition.
bn very good point.

i feel like saying oh depends on hope you cope really. as some people actually find it easier with more than one. as they have a playmate/entertainer and the 2nd one just has to fit in, and life has changed so much after the 1st one anyway.

or oh dear, yes you must be struggling to cope < pitying look> thats the problem with mre than one you just don't have the time to really be there for them all do you.
poor you.

but really thats just stouping to her level, unfortunatly this is a person i cannt avois

OP posts:
Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 17:02

cannot avoid

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 19/11/2008 17:03

Well that makes me pretty sad then. Because in my circumstances (note I said my circumstances) life was much much much easier with one.

I don't and wouldn't critisise any mother of a single child not do I demand sympathy.

Original poster
freespiritfreedom · 19/11/2008 17:04

wannabe she is also fond of saying that
'Remember that people who now have more than one child have had just the one once, so they do know what it's like with just one. Whereas if you've never have more than one child you really don't know what it's like/how difficult it is to juggle more than one. '

interesting so if you have ever had one child at any point in your life you know exactly what that person life is like eh?

OP posts: