to be fuming that my daughter was not 'allowed' a pudding at her friends house because she didn't eat her meal

[conniedescending]

Still cross about this now whenever I think about it. Collected dd this evening and she was quiet on the way home. Asked her what the matter was and she finally told me she was upset because she wasn't allowed any of the cake that her friend and rest of the family had in front of her.

she said the mum siad it was because she hadnt eaten her meal so she couldnt have any. Was quite suprised because dd is a good eater and not fussy so asked what she had had - omlette, chips and salad.....she said she had eaten her chips and salad. If this wasn't bad enough the friends mum had asked me yesterday what dd would eat for tea and I said 'oh anything...except she won't eat anything eggy'

i need some perspective on this because I really want to address this with the woman tomorrow.

I can't understand all the "her house her rules" replies here. She wouldn't enforce these rules with a visiting adult.

I'm atill confused about this. So if you have a rule that says no pudding til you've eaten all your dinner (I don't and I think it's a bonkers rule, by the way) you are supposed to say to your children it's ok for visiting child not to eat her dinner and have pudding anyway, but not for you?

I live next to a shop and visiting children assume that pudding will be a treat or sweets from the shop. We do have a rule that 'only clean plates get pudding', so, I relax it for a childs first few visits, for my children as well and if they come more often, introduce it gently.
I have lost count of the times I have taken the time to cook a meal, only have the visitor eat three peas and a spoonfull of mash and then demand to go to the shop.
But there is no way I would sit in front of said child and eat pudding in front of them.
I think I handle it with tact and gentleness as we always have other peoples children here.
Or maybe it is because we live next to the shop!

I wouldnt be happy but if thats the rules in their house then thats that. TBH thats the rules in our house but i would never use it for my childrens friends. THEy are not my children to impose those rules on!!

what a mess! normally i would think it is reasonable that a visiting child abides by the house rules to avoid giving mixed messages to the children of the house, but not in this case where your poor DD had been given something that that mother had been specifically asked not to give her.
It couldn't have been that difficult to have either not given her the blasted omelette or given her something non-eggy instead - that is the bit that would really pee me off; and then to all sit eating cake in front of her is just downright rude.

I think that you are both being unreasonable.

Her family shouldn't have eaten it in front of your dd as that is very rude.

However, your dd should have at least tried the omelette. I think it is equally rude for a guest not to eat the food prepared for them regardless of whether or not they like it. Your dd should have at least tasted it.

quite right oo - no pudding if oyu dont finish your tea.

I think it may be worth asking the mum if she had misheard dd had an egg aversion? True, the conversation could go in all kinds of directions from there, you'd have to be ready. Personally I'm a bit indignant with you. I'm with orangehead - not knowing a child well it's a bit presumptuous to force the house rule. My family have serious allergies and sometimes they lurk undiscovered until a sudden scary moment - egg made DD break out in a rash. My other DD constantly reminds me that 'mato' (tomato) makes her mouth "get all hot" - hasn't been tested but I'm not risking it - she doesn't even like tomato sauce. DH goes into anaphylaxis if given Brazil nuts. DD's best friend's sister is a celiac. No one should force a person to eat something they don't like, child or not.

I just read over my post - when I say 'indignant with you' I mean "indignant along with you" - I don't know if that's obvious. Oh well...

I don't think yabu. It's all very well to say "her house, her rules" but would she give her own children something she knows they don't like and insist they eat it before they can have dessert?
IMO there is a big difference between being faddy and actually not liking something. I mean there isn't much I really can't eat but I would struggle to eat kippers if they were served to me even with the promise of cake afterwards! My ds1 hates fish of any kind. Even the smell makes him feel sick. It's not him being faddy because he will eat most other things. If I had told a host that he hated fish and then they still served it and punished him for not eating it I would be upset too.

But I want to know what happened? Has the OP approached the mother about this??

YANBU at all - I think it's very rude to eat cake in front of a guest of any age without offering them some.

If I were you, I would leave it for now, and if she invites her again, ask your DD if she wants to go. If not, then you could tell the mother why you're refusing.

I am very surprised at the number of people who still seem to advocate that children must "clear their plates"!

This does not give a good message-you should eat till your full and no more. Not until you have a clean plate! (As any dietician would tell you). Practices like this lead to an unhealthy attitude to food in the future.

As for the OP's little girl, I feel that the host was completely out of order serving her something she really disliked (especially since she had been told about it in advance).
Why should she try it when it has been established she hates it-everyone is allowed to dislike at least one food!

wow more comments - thankyou

DD seems to have forgotten what happened, at least she hasn't mentioned it again. Well, I didn't confront her directly about it tbh because I was gobsmacked when she apologised for her DP insisting on omlettes. It seems churlish to bring it up again....but I am going to invite her dd to tea next week so will ask about food dislikes than and see if it 'comes up in conversation'

still don't want dd going again for dinner though which is a shame as she's full of stories of games that her and this newish friend have been playing at school.

As for " it is equally rude for a guest not to eat the food prepared for them regardless of whether or not they like it. Your dd should have at least tasted it"........I have always had the 'rule' that my children should at least try something a few times and make a good effort and in return I will never make them eat things they don't like. For this dd it is egg.....she has never ever liked anything eggy....quiche, omlette, scrambled eggs, egg custards, etc. I think it's respectful to her that I don't insist she keeps trying things she blatently doesn't like.

It might not be the biggest deal but it's very odd to say no to pudding for not eating the one thing you told her she didn't like, IMO, even odder than serving it to her in the first place.

We have the rule that you have to have a clean or nearly clean plate for pud - if you are too full to finish your healthy home-made main course, you don't need a treat for afters.

There is no arm twisting, and main course portions are kept manageable, with the option to have more if necessary.

The DC eat most things and don't fuss when out for meals.

I agree that if a child has "space" for dessert, s/he has "space" to finish a main.

It is a known factor that if you are presented with a wide variety of food (eg at a buffet) you will eat more....so I don't buy giving a child dessert if haven't finished their main.

I don't put "too much" on DS1's plate, and very often, after we have "encouraged" him to finish his main, surprise surprise he has no room for dessert (he actually doesn't have much of a sweet-tooth at all, unlike his brother who was weaned very differently (very small for his age, so we were happy to get any calories in him we can! (still are...))

I haven't read the whole thread. I don't think YABU at all. The mother asked and you told her. I don't think she could have misunderstood as you said "anything but" why would you specify what she likes if you said she'd eat anything. Seems a bit like The Royale Family and "wafer thin ham".

I don't agree with anyone trying to instill manners in other people's children. Especially the bit about clearing the plate, for a start I don't agree with that idea anyway but secondly we all have different ideas of what a reasonable amount is. I remember being at a friends house and not wanting to say that peas make me feel ill (the texture and taste is just bleugh [shudder]) and trying to eat a huge portion of them.

Conversely when I was living with my aunt and uncle in Canada they tried to stop me from using a knife to eat! I insisted and they (my aunt and cousins) would make a big deal each meal time about "and a knife for [TBM]" and would take the mickey out of me.

Agree with bigTillymint, if you haven't got room for your main course then you are obviously too full for pud.
Wouldn't force them to eat something they really don't like, or if it was badly cooked etc.
DS is 13 and although he has a food allergies he will eat anything that he can and has done since a baby.
DD would have been a fussy eater if we had let her, now she is 11 and will eat most things except spicy food.

BTW, if it had been me that had been cooking for a guest who didn't like what my OH really wanted, I'd either try to dissuade him or cook something separately for the guest.