To think it's unreasonable to expect Grandparents to live with you for a week every other week after having twins?

[Annthecat]

My DB and wife have told my Mum they 'expect this commitment level' from her, and she is now very worried as this will take over her life.

She will have to travel and stay with them from sunday to saturday and they expect her to go and help every other week (and SIL's mother to go the alternate weeks).

Now, they do have a toddler also, so twins is going to be very hard, and they will need support. but they do have a part time nanny and my mum offered to go and stay once a month but was told this was not enough.

Is it unreasonable to expect a grandmothet to devote half her time to supporting? My mum has a busy and happy life in many clubs and seeing frinds which would have to go, or be very curtailled.

What do you think? My Mum is very anxious about being seen as a disnitersted Gp if she doesn't agree to this.

She was told that 'people they know with twins ahve had this commitment from Gp's.'

Would this be normal or expected?

I think YANBU at all, I'm shocked that they are expecting this, it's not her duty to help them out.

bloody hell you are so nbu

I had 3 under 3 and just got on with it tbh this dd after 14 yr gap is harder than all 3 together. They need to get a grip on life and a routine that doesnt involve others! Help for first week or 2 fine but imho they should just look after them by themselves.

Personally I think your brother is taking the piss! if they want more live in help up the part time nannys hours! I work with a woman who has twins plus a DS two years older after a fortnight she had to get on with it as her DP had to go back to work.

its completely unreasonable esp as I assume they are not getting any younger. I know from my mother how much work and how tiring it is to look after twins (let alone a toddler too) ...can they not plead the health card to do more reasonable level of commitment?

and I know it must be VERY hard to have young twins but I would bet telling your db/sil where to get off -your mother has raised her children, she is entitled to her life and I think her one stay a month is incredibly generous.

YANBU but your DB and DSIL are being incredibly UR in expecting this - seriously!

That's outrageous!

They are being completely unreasonable. I feel for this woman and wish I knew her so I could urge her not to do it.

Granny and Grandad are meant to visit every now and then, or babysit when necessary, not provide full-time home assistance. They are not servants.

thats ridiculous! what would they do if your mum had a job expect her to resign?! even once a month is more help than lots of people get yanbu at all!

Have they actually had the twins yet?

good grief. you're poor mother, no wonder she's worried

tell her to tell them that they are the parents and as a grandparent she will help and support as often as she can but their demands are unreasonable

seriously? how pg is sil, are they in a blind panic that its twins and just not thinking straight yet?

YANBU. However your brother and SIl are definitely BU! I can't believe that they are making such demands of your mum.

They chose to have a baby. Baby is their responsibility, not your mums.

Know of a couple fo people with twins. AFAIK none have such an arrangement.

Am I hearing this right? They expect your mother to basically live with them half the time to help them bring their kids up?

They're nuts!

Sorry, didn't mean to refer to your mum as "this woman", OP.

tell your Mum to do what SHE wants to do....not what is EXPECTED of her....FGS!!!

They are having a maternity nurse for the first 3 weeks (as well as the nanny), then will have a nanny for 3 days a week, toddler will go to Nursery for 1 day and a a mother's help (whatever that is) for another day.
DB told my Mum SIL was up all night worrying after my Mum said she couldn't come every other week for the week so Mmy Mum agreed to do this for the firts 3 months and see how it goes.
I'm pretty pissed off they are putting this pressure on my Mum, she is a devoted grandma who wants to help but is now orried about how she will cope.

As his sister can you talk to your brother and explain how unreasonable they are being to expect your mum to do this? Would he listen?

dear SIL needs to seek out some professional advice re having twins and not get herself in such a panic - it sounds as if they have more help than the average person as it is without moving your mother in as well

Was this supposed to be an open-ended arrangement?

I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Your brother and sister sound self-absorbed to the point of insanity.

YANBU.

Whilst support would undoubtedly be very welcome when you have newborn twins and a toddler, any offer of help, no matter for how long, should be gratefully received .... not rudely rejected together with a great big dollop of emotional blackmail about what other grandparents of twins supposedly do.

I think your DB & SIL are being incredibly rude actually. Help isn't an entitlement at the end of the day, however tired and busy you are.

No twins not born yet, another month to go, and yes I think SIL is in a blind panic about how she is going to cope with a toddler and twins, which I totally understabd, I would be too.

But they are in a fortuate position to be able to pay for some help, and I object to the way my Mum has been told 'we expected more commitment from you than that' and made to feel very bad.