To think it's unreasonable to expect Grandparents to live with you for a week every other week after having twins?

[Annthecat]

My DB and wife have told my Mum they 'expect this commitment level' from her, and she is now very worried as this will take over her life.

She will have to travel and stay with them from sunday to saturday and they expect her to go and help every other week (and SIL's mother to go the alternate weeks).

Now, they do have a toddler also, so twins is going to be very hard, and they will need support. but they do have a part time nanny and my mum offered to go and stay once a month but was told this was not enough.

Is it unreasonable to expect a grandmothet to devote half her time to supporting? My mum has a busy and happy life in many clubs and seeing frinds which would have to go, or be very curtailled.

What do you think? My Mum is very anxious about being seen as a disnitersted Gp if she doesn't agree to this.

She was told that 'people they know with twins ahve had this commitment from Gp's.'

Would this be normal or expected?

I think your mother needs to take up chain smoking and gin drinking sharpish.

That way DSiL won't want her around the precious DCs, blowing silk cut fumes all over the place and reeking of gin.

what findtheriver said, for long term peace, you do need to try and butt out a bit, once your mum knows she is supported. the eating things sounds bonkers, but their house, their rules, though you can enjoy your opinion of sil and this jewel of behavious cure, sure. man, it sure is rude!

I think findtheriver is right. My mum used to gripe to me about my sisters and how they took advantage of her all the time. Finally I got really upset with her and told her she had to put her foot down with them, but she didn't want to. For heaven's sakes, she used to offer the assistance, and would get upset when they accepted it. According to her, they should have known better than to say yes. (???? ) Used to drive me mental! And then she wondered why I started to refuse all her offers of help!!!!

I think findtheriver is right. My mum used to gripe to me about my sisters and how they took advantage of her all the time. Finally I got really upset with her and told her she had to put her foot down with them, but she didn't want to. For heaven's sakes, she used to offer the assistance, and would get upset when they accepted it. According to her, they should have known better than to say yes. (???? ) Used to drive me mental! And then she wondered why I started to refuse all her offers of help!!!!

Also if they have all this help for 3 months they are still going to find it horrendous when everyone leaves them to it as they won't have either found routines and ays that work and allow them to get it all done or started to develop a bit of a social life with local mums in the same boat.

I had 2 20 months apart and my second was born by planned c-section so I sorted out help from dh (paternity leave and holiday) and my mum (about 3 weeks in 2 chunks) for the first 7 weeks after the birth to allow things to heal a bit before I needed to lift ds1 or drive etc. The help was great but it made me more worried about how I would cope. Of course I did I have a couple of weeks of tearing my hair out then it got easier. As someone pointed out you cope because you have to.

I now too that twins would have made this so much harder but thats life - they chose to have children (OK so might have chosen 1 not 2 but hey thats life) and they need to deal with it themselves either by just sucking it up and getting on with it as most do or throwing money at it.

They would probably find that they would get a lot of help that was offered if they had less of a demanding attitude.

Don't know how you respond to db though - I am on the fence between those who say standup for your mum and speak to db and those who say butt out. Sorry know thats probably not helpful!

Just read this whole thread -- I'm afraid I would get involved at this stage Annie. It is emotional blackmail and bullying and yes, your mum needs to stand up for herself more but she obviously feels she can't. The fact that she is so poorly would make me want to intervene on her behalf, as it does with you.

The thing you need to be careful of is examining your motive. At some stage it will be spilling over from concern about your mum to anger with your SIL. At the point when it is just motivated by anger, and a consciousness of how wrong she is, you would need to withdraw.

I would be phoning or emailing my brother.

Yes it's probably wrong and would lead to a fall out. But you could probably work out what the repercussions would be before going down that path.

One issue that bothers me in all this Ann is how all the blame gets landed at the feet of your SiL. This is very common in families. The SiL is the worst in the world, and the family's own son is...what? Completely without a backbone? A puppet? Totally at the beck and call of his wife?

I don't doubt that your SiL may approach things differently to you and do things you disagree with(I obviously don't agree with pressganging grandparents into servitude).

But how about this for an idea - it's your brother's OWN mother who is being stressed out and upset. It's up to HIM to say no to his wife and to manage his relationship with his mother. If he really thought this was an unreasonable request to your Mum - why is he taking part and making all the calls? If he can't do that (ie say no) - is that his wife's fault? No, I would say it is his.

As I said a page or two back - this is NOT your battle. IF you DB rings you up for advice about the situation, by all means give your opinion. However unilaterally ringing up to fight on behalf of your mother will just cause a family row. It won't grow your DB a set of balls and it won't change your SiL's approach to life.

But do take a step back. Villifying your SiL is the easy route. Sometimes you need to take a look at your own brother's role.

I agree. Brother sounds spineless.

The OP's mother DID put her foot down and was bullied into retracting !!! That is why she is asking her daughter to help and with a nutty DIL, I don't blame her.

OP, I would tell your brother what you think of the situation and encourage your mother to do what she wants to do, which is a few days once a month. If she agrees to this mad scheme, I do not believe for one minute that the SIL will let her off the hook after three months hard labour help

BabiesEverywhere - that's a big assumption to make. Perhaps her mum is just offloading on her daughter. I think she would be mortified if her daughter stepped in and it caused a big rift in the family.

i don't think falling out with your brother will help your mum though, not one bit.

if he is selfish and obtuse enough to realise that he and his missus are being utterly unreasonable he will simply think that you are jealous [when is she likely to see you and your kids amidst all this hard labour?]

i think i would actively discourage your mum from the first 3 months on the basis of doctor's advice.

have you spoken to your brother recently? i'd just ring him for a sisterly chat and drop into the conversation how worried you are about your mum's general health, how she needs looking after herself [take liberties with the truth] but steer away from overtly criticising his expectations or attitude.

Very unreasonable of them to ask. I do think that in time they will realise it. It is too much to expect that from her and they should really try to cope without her as soon as possible.

They will (in my experience, too long to state here) soon feel that they NEED to be a family of their own anyway, without the permanent presence of your mum or IL, even with twins and a toddler, they will adapt and find their own feet( do not know if this expression actually exist in English but I am sure you know what I meam!)

Thank you for all your sensible and helpful advise, which I have utterly failed to heed.

I spent the morning at work brooding over this and all the other control freaky self absorbed based greivances I have harboured for the past couple of years and so impulsively phoned my brother.

I ended up sayng far too much and going beyond the current issue with my Mum and called his wife a control freak, called them neurotic and listed many grievances and examples form the past couple of years.

He handled it pretty well and stayed pretty calm, but did go quiet and was obviously quite pissed off.

He baically said if you think that about her (SIL) the course is set, I said I'd tried to understand and overlook things but the latest episode with my Mum and pissed me off so much. He said that was a misunderstanding and that my Mum had misunderstood what they were saying and misled me slighly in her retelling (possible).

Anyway I told him that my Dh takes the role of ensuring equal and fair treatment for his parents no matter how much I whinge about them and that I expect him to defend his own mother a bit more, just as he'd expect thier son the defend SIL in the future. He agreed that he would think more about Mum.

I have very mixed feelings about this now. I know it was proabbaly a very bad idea, but am fundementally unsure whether with families it is better to tolerate yaers of resentment and greivance simmering just under the seurface or to have a blow out, but then of course have the resentment of that to deal with additionally.

My big flaw is I always go for the blow out.

I love my brther, he's actually a really great bloke but I do feel angry with his seemigly total acquiescense to his wife. HE said he feels like piggy in the middlewhich I told him unfortunately he is.

Shit shit shit. Families. Me.

You know what? Having followed this thread I actually think you've done the right thing here.

I think that pussy-footing around not wishing to hurt other's feelings has its place but in this instance I think your SIL needs a firm hand and a big fat 'NO'. It seems to me that too many have tiptoed around her for too long and she has got used to having things her way.

I really hope good does come of your chat with your db, good luck.

I think you've done the right thing too - and that's coming from someone who practically has a degree in ignoring provocation from my family . They were being unreasonable. Your mum seemed unable to cope with it, you've spoken your mind. It won't fester unless you let it. You've told him what you think now try to keep the situation moving forward and buy something lovely for the twins - after all they can barely afford to clothe them!

I dunno I was quite unpleasant and brought up all sorts of stuff.

I said they were the most neurotic poele I know (they are) and that it worries me he thinks it's normal as he used to be so laid back (he did).

I am good at moving on though, I will be so very happy and excited when the twins are born and I will help when I can, I just hope I haven't hurt him too much. He is a good bloke, just very dominated (I think) by his wife. Who is a bit nutty.

well done Annthecat, have just read the whole thread and I think if your mum is telling you the whole truth then you were right to say how you feel to your brother

I would arrange to meet him on his own for a drink jyst to ensure everything is ok btw you

I was just about to post that you should definitely ring your brother and then read that you already had.

So what did they actually ask of your mum if not what your mum told you?

I have looked after 7 sets of twins and 2 sets of triplets.

None have asked or expected this commitment.

1 set of triplets had a week with his mum there then a week of her mum there before i arrived as emergency help as both mum's were completely worn out and mum and dad were hands on, it was the broken sleep that got to them all.

Well annthecat - if she's a bit nutty, she's a bit nutty and you can't change that. No reason why you and everyone else should suffer in silence though.

He said every other week was just a suggestion and that they only ever meant for 3 months which totally bypassed my Mum. amd that SIl only metioned that other gp's of twins have this arrangement and was not pressurising Mum. This may be true, I know people tell you what they interpreted rather than what was said.

I said they handled it badly and that they should have asked niecly for a favour and supoort for the first 3 months and then Mum would have proably agreed from the start.

I also said that SIL wants to control things and wants life organised to her absolute specifications, and that my Mum will help because she wants to and is not their 'staff' and if SIL talks to her like staff (as she has in the past) I will be bloody fuming and I expect him to stick up for Mum.

I said twins will be hard,but that everything was always harder for SIl long before kids and that she is precious (but GOD she is!!)(radom example: one christmas everyone was coming to me i work and have 2 small chidren, so everyone helping by bringning something, SIL announces I can't help beacuse I work full time, she had no kids. get the picture?)

er...I think you're probably getting the ides..I didn't hold back.

You're SIL is a f***ing fruitloop. What is she even doing having children?

Well done you for having it out.

Not helpful at all but I had to post. She is unbelievable!