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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unreasonable to expect Grandparents to live with you for a week every other week after having twins?

184 replies

Annthecat · 09/11/2008 21:41

My DB and wife have told my Mum they 'expect this commitment level' from her, and she is now very worried as this will take over her life.

She will have to travel and stay with them from sunday to saturday and they expect her to go and help every other week (and SIL's mother to go the alternate weeks).

Now, they do have a toddler also, so twins is going to be very hard, and they will need support. but they do have a part time nanny and my mum offered to go and stay once a month but was told this was not enough.

Is it unreasonable to expect a grandmothet to devote half her time to supporting? My mum has a busy and happy life in many clubs and seeing frinds which would have to go, or be very curtailled.

What do you think? My Mum is very anxious about being seen as a disnitersted Gp if she doesn't agree to this.

She was told that 'people they know with twins ahve had this commitment from Gp's.'

Would this be normal or expected?

OP posts:
rookiemater · 09/11/2008 22:17

Good idea trefusis, show this to your Mum.

However as someone has said further back, it does seem as if your SIL is somewhat unhinged, so whilst your mother should be saying No in an assertive manner, it will have to be done in a caring compassionate way that absolutely shows that she wants to be part of the gcs lives and provide as much help and support as she is able to commit to. I do think this needs to be approached in writing so SIL can't twist things round, and I don't think that you speaking to your DB will resolve the situation.

LouMacca · 09/11/2008 22:17

OMG I have heard it all!!

We have twins - it was our choice to have children and they are our sole responsibility!! I am so grateful that one set of grandparents pick them up for a couple of hours once and week and the other set babysit once a month.

I think your DB and SIL need to get a grip. Outrageous demands - I hope that they don't get their way.

Neenztwinz · 09/11/2008 22:21

This is unbelievable. I have twins and my mum used to come one night a week to help with night feeds and give me some sleep and it was GREAT, but she offered, I would never have demanded it! Your brother and his wife are being totally out of order. The cheeky gits!!

charliesweb · 09/11/2008 22:25

From personal experience I would worry that level of help may in the long run hinder rather than help your db and sil develop their own coping skills. I tended to feel that I couldn't cope without help when it was available to me 'on tap' when I had DS1 and Ds2. However, when I had DD (18 months after Ds1) DD had colic and my mum lived 5 hours away - I had to cope. It was hard, but I did manage and developed coping strategies (I didn't even have mumsnet then!!). I had my worst experience feeling I couldn't cope after Ds2 when my mum lived 10 minutes away. I tended to rely on knowing she was there rather than try and deal better with things myself.
Maybe the thought is actually worse then the reality. like others have said at the end of the day you have to deal with the situation you have.

RainbowChaser · 09/11/2008 22:29

"The toddler will go to nursery one day and to a mothers help another day" WTF?????? The poor child wont know whether he/she is coming or going. Im sorry but I really cannot believe any of this is for real.

ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 09/11/2008 22:34

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snickersnack · 09/11/2008 22:37

charliesweb is spot on. If this isn't a permanent arrangement (and we can only assume it isn't, surely no-one would expect an indefinite commitment) then your SIL is going to really struggle when all the help comes to an end. I think with a nanny and the toddler not there the other 2 days, she needs to be finding her feet on her own a bit more - perhaps your mother could gently suggest that as a reason for not giving up her life helping out to the extent that has been suggested.

Sheesh, some people!

sunnygirl1412 · 09/11/2008 22:50

I had a friend who had twins when her three other children were still toddlers, and she didn't expect any of her relatives to move in even part time!! Nor did she have a maternity nurse or a part time nanny.

Your brother and his wife are being utterly unreasonable to expet your mum to give up half her life like this. I'm afraid that I'm with those who say that you need to have a word with your brother and give him a short, sharp reality check!

sunnygirl.

bythepowerofgreyskull · 09/11/2008 22:52

I think helping out to start with is fine, and it is good for your SiL to ask for help NOW and get things in place, BUT for this to be a long term arrangement is unreasonable, AND I think if you ask someone for help you have to be prepared to take what they offer, not reject the offer and start haggling about it.

YANBU

SlartyBartFast · 09/11/2008 22:55

they're panicking arent they?
by the sounds of it they are going to have masses of help, and they wont need your mum. let it slide. tell her she should put her foot down and be strong.

ilovemydogandPresidentObama · 09/11/2008 22:57

My cousin has a toddler and recently had twins. The grandparents (both sides) do a rota which seems to work. Think they all do about 2 days a week.

My aunt (their grandmother) wanted to be the sort of grandmother who did all the fun things with the grandchildren, but understands why a rota is necessary.

And to be fair to my cousin, he looks after the whole family financially. He takes them all on vacations to Hawaii, Florida and pays for his mother to go shopping, a cleaner for her etc

Spidermama · 09/11/2008 22:58

My mum would laugh in my face if I asked for even a quarter of this 'level of committment'.

This is plainly ridiculous. YANBU. She needs to stand up for herself.

ceciliaaherne · 09/11/2008 23:03

Shocking! I have nothing to say that would help, but YANBU. Could you show the thread to your mum so she doesn't feel so bad?

chefswife · 09/11/2008 23:19

i'm am surprised they expect this much help from the grandparents... maybe if they had quadtuplets or more but twins... if they can't cope, maybe they shouldn't be having children. some people.

sleepyeyes · 09/11/2008 23:38

WTF
I've never heard anything so ludicrous.

When I was 19 I nannied a 5 year old, new born twins and a puppy (which was more work than the kids ) for about 60+ hours a week sole charge and a few times a year 24/7 while the parents went on holiday. Its completely do-able its all about time management and crowd control. So between your SIL and her part time nanny everything should be manageable and no need to impose in grandparents.

Cant believe they could ask this of your mum!

Tortington · 09/11/2008 23:40

i think your mother needs to asert herself in the power of ber status and tell her offspring not to be so ridiculous.

she has done her childrearing, anything more is on her terms and her terms alone.

cupsoftea · 09/11/2008 23:43

How shocking! - yanbu and I hope your mum tells them she'll visit and play with her gc but will be goig back home to rest afterwards. She's not the unpaid help.

Wezzle · 09/11/2008 23:52

outrageous!

I hope your Mam doesn't do it.

FFS, it's their family, their responsibilty

I'd be tempted to slap him if it were my DB.

sleepyeyes · 09/11/2008 23:53

Forgot to add: I was once offered a nanny job with a family that had 4 kids ( 2 at school) the mum was a SAHM, she had a au pair, full time housekeeper, full time nanny. Some people feel they really do need that level of help.
I turned the job down it just seemed like too many cooks for me to feel comfortable doing the job.

mumeeee · 09/11/2008 23:58

They are being unreasonable. Yes it's hard having twins and a toddler but a lot of people mamge this with out that much suport. They should be gratful that your Mum has offered to go once a month.
Grandmothers have thier own lives to live and should be allowed to cary on doing that,

EBenes · 10/11/2008 00:15

I read this imagining it would be the opposite way around, the grandparents trying to come and visit more ! My MIL would die of happiness if I asked her to do this, as would my mum (provided she could somehow frequently dispatch my dh as part of the deal). But of course it's unreasonable. I agree with the posts that say your db and sil will quickly realise that that much help is really difficult. My mum helps me tons and it sometimes drives me mad when we clash on how dd should be handled.

MrsMattie · 10/11/2008 06:24

'expect the commitment'. PMSL, sorry have to laugh. They are piss takers. They need a nanny.

overbuurvrouw · 10/11/2008 06:55

You are so not BU!

MrsMattie - the SIL has a nanny AND a mothers help...

mou · 10/11/2008 07:10

, For your Mum, it will greatly affect her relationship with her GC's if she is being put under pressure like this.
My parents have only just retired and I never ask them to 'help'. Their relationship with DC's is for pure joy, not duty. And this is their time.

AbricotsSecs · 10/11/2008 07:32

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