To think it's unreasonable to expect Grandparents to live with you for a week every other week after having twins?

[Annthecat]

My DB and wife have told my Mum they 'expect this commitment level' from her, and she is now very worried as this will take over her life.

She will have to travel and stay with them from sunday to saturday and they expect her to go and help every other week (and SIL's mother to go the alternate weeks).

Now, they do have a toddler also, so twins is going to be very hard, and they will need support. but they do have a part time nanny and my mum offered to go and stay once a month but was told this was not enough.

Is it unreasonable to expect a grandmothet to devote half her time to supporting? My mum has a busy and happy life in many clubs and seeing frinds which would have to go, or be very curtailled.

What do you think? My Mum is very anxious about being seen as a disnitersted Gp if she doesn't agree to this.

She was told that 'people they know with twins ahve had this commitment from Gp's.'

Would this be normal or expected?

Which bloody planet are they from??? They're having a maternity nurse, a nanny, a mothers help and want 2 full time grandparents as well. Are they for real? Is this post for real?

That is ridiculous. I know of a friends mother whose son announced when his wife was pregnant that she would be looking after the child 3 days a week.

They sound quite demanding, put perhaps the fear of the arrival of twins has upset their natural composure. I think your Mum needs to send them an email or letter saying that whilst she loves them all very much and is greatly looking forward to being involved in her new gcs life, she is unable to commit to a full week every other week because of her own commitments. Perhaps she could put something in about allowing your brother and SIL to have much needed family time on their own without having someone else there to allow them to bond as a family.

I don't mean to cause offence, but does your SIL have mental health issues? It just strikes me as totally extreme that with a maternity nurse for 3 weeks, plus nanny, plus mother's help, plus her own mother coming for half the time,if she is sitting up all night worrying that she won't cope then there's something wrong. Seriously.

Her coping threshold sounds excessively low. Of course it'll be hard work - but no different to want millions of other mums cope with. I had 3 little ones at home, with no family help, certainly no nannies and a DH who worked away half the week (taking the one car we owned with him). You manage.

Your SIL clearly has issues about not feeling able to look after her own children.

Message withdrawn

that is OUTRAGIOUS!! They have NO right to demand this from her! She does not owe them her life - she has DONE her childrearing!

She needs to say no. She needs to say it now, loud and clear - "No, I cannot give you half my life - your children are for YOU to raise, you cannot have a child and demand I raise it. I have done my parenting. I will happily babysit from time to time, I will help out, but I will not be your servant!"

Or maybe something to that effect but a bit more tactful!

Personally though, I'd be going with "You want me to WHAT? Piss off!!!"

outrageous

of course its going to be hard work but they have plenty of paid help lined up

i think your mum should be encouraged to retract her offer of doing this for 3 months - it will be harder to stop once started

and she should think about what she can realistically, happily do without compromising her life

please don't let her be bullied into this.

So there will be H and W, toddler, DT, Nanny (pt) and a grandparent there at all times?

sounds like heaven to me - a fantasy not a reality. They are off their heads IMHO. However, if your mum does not comply do you think they will restrict contact, paint her as the uncaring grandparent. Things like this can lead to years of arguments. Some families never really heal from disagreements of this nature. If it is going to be for a limited time (say a few weeks for each GP giving 6 weeks of cover for the parents) then I would say it is better to do it than not. If it has no time limit then it is too much to ask IMO.

Perhaps they could agree to every other week for the first 6 (so your mum does 3) and then once a month after that?

So the other grandma has agreed to this??? Maybe your mum needs to speak to other mum about it - hopefully present a united front?
They abu btw

So basically they'll have help for 4 days a week and have to fend for themselves on a weekend?

I had twins when my ds1 was 2 and my mum stayed for 2 weeks when they were born and then that was it - I had a cleaner once a fortnight and at 6 mths the twins went to a childminder once a week for 3 hours so I could spend some time with ds1.Ds1 started preschool when the twins were 1.Pil were helpful, but in a visit for tea and cake way not a live in nanny way!
It's hard work, but if you want that much help you bloody pay for it - honestly what a cheek.

sorry so it is even worse than I thought!

H, W nanny, mothers help, nursery and grandparents.

Since typing my last post have just read how much help they are fortunate enough to have even without your mum's involvement or that of SIL's mother (what does she think of this I wonder ?)

If the 2 respective grandmothers were to agree to this silly plan, what does SIL herself plan on doing ?

Your mum must do what she wants ...... she cannot sacrifice her life to this extent, and if she is expected to attend to the babies during the night as well, it could easily be detrimental to her health as an older person (I mean her no disrespect).

I could understand if they asked the GMs to do this for the first month (2 weeks each)after the Dad goes back to work after his paternity leave to 'cover' the first 6 weeks when babies feed all the time and it is hard but as an ongoing thing it is madness!

Won't they get fed up of not being on their own

Holy cow that is not normal!

YA SO NBU!

Your mother had her children and brought them up. Presumably with little help as that was how it was.

Your DB and his wife have chosen to have children and whilst they prob didn't choose twins with a toddler - tough! They are extremely lucky to be able to afford some help. Neither your mother nor your SIL's mother should be expected to give up half their life to help them.

If your SIL's mother is doing it then I expect that she is the reason that your SIL is so unreasonable - she sounds like a spoilt brat.

My Mum asked if the other grandma had agreed to this and was told 'she has said she will do whatever is necessary' so we're unsure if this has actualy been agreed or not.

NCbirdy maybe your idea is a good one.

Also when my Mum does go to stay SIl is pretty unwlecoming (my Mum feels) she has many rules which she is very rigid on and some of you may remember a thread about a Mil not being allowed to eat in the front room whilst she babysat?? That was my Mum and SIL.

So although my Mum wants to see the children she does not really find it easy there and would not really want to spend half her life ther.

Oh sadly I'm for real.

I was pretty sure it was unrasonable but wanted it confirmed as I'm aware that I've developed a tianted view of my SIl over the past couple of years and so may have been judging harshly.

But apparently not.

So they expect her to come and live with them half the time to look after their kids AND she's not allowed to eat in the front room???

Sweet Jesus - are they for real?

I wish I could send my DB this thread!!

But obviously that would slightly inflame the issue

Yes I think my Mum would, I will definetly show her.

I think she too has lost perspective about whther this is reasonable or not.