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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's unreasonable to expect Grandparents to live with you for a week every other week after having twins?

184 replies

Annthecat · 09/11/2008 21:41

My DB and wife have told my Mum they 'expect this commitment level' from her, and she is now very worried as this will take over her life.

She will have to travel and stay with them from sunday to saturday and they expect her to go and help every other week (and SIL's mother to go the alternate weeks).

Now, they do have a toddler also, so twins is going to be very hard, and they will need support. but they do have a part time nanny and my mum offered to go and stay once a month but was told this was not enough.

Is it unreasonable to expect a grandmothet to devote half her time to supporting? My mum has a busy and happy life in many clubs and seeing frinds which would have to go, or be very curtailled.

What do you think? My Mum is very anxious about being seen as a disnitersted Gp if she doesn't agree to this.

She was told that 'people they know with twins ahve had this commitment from Gp's.'

Would this be normal or expected?

OP posts:
mrsleroyjethrogibbs · 10/11/2008 07:37

sadly it seems like panic to me. Your DB and SIL seem to require the reassurance of knowing that there will be people on tap helping as and when they need it. TBH I think they will find it a hinderance all those peopel in and out all the time, no privacy etc.
Your poor mum. I do feel for her. However she is not an unpaid worker she is your mother who has a choice in what she wishes to do. IF they want someone to come in once a fortnight to do full time nannying then they should be paying for it and leave mum to enjoy her grandma 'duties'. Being a grandma should be a joy and not a chore.

throckenholt · 10/11/2008 07:40

I have only read the OP - but when I had my twins my Mum came up for a few days maybe every fortnight - any more than that would have driven us both mad !!

I would tell them gently where to get off. They need to learn to cope on their own. Fine - a few days visit here and there to help out - but not a regular commitment.

Twins and a toddler are survivable (my toddler was 18 months old).

BouncingTurtle · 10/11/2008 07:45

Farking hell, my stepsister already had 3 kids when her twins were born back in June - her mum visited for a few weeks (she and my dad live in Spain, SS lives in Bristol), but has been on her own (with her DH as well) ever since - she seems to cope fine!
I think they are panicking...
When my brothers (twins, also) were born my mum coped - though I went to stay with my Nanny(mum's mum) lots, that was through her choice - she absolutely doted on me. But if she hadn't wanted to help she wouldn't.

throckenholt · 10/11/2008 07:49

have skimmed the thread now - sounds like the house is going to be heaving with people - they also sound like they have a lot of money to throw at it !

Honestly - whilst new born twins and a toddler are a challenge - they do all sleep a lot - so as long as you get them all in sync you get a break - but with all those other people around it is unlikely that SIL will ever get herself and everyone else into any sort of routine.

And when those twins get to be toddlers it is not suddenly going to get easier - either she learns to cope more on her own earlier on or that level of help is going to be needed for a few years probably.

I would say your mum should say - ok I will stay a week for the first week if you really think it will help - but after that it will be say a long weekend (or a few days midweek if that would be better) once a fortnight.

Hopefully at least she will get a chance to spend some quality time with the toddler.

spiderpig · 10/11/2008 09:30

I totally agree with everyone else, 'tis madness!

Also I don't know if it's already been said but it is a recipe for a family feud if ever I heard one......

If your sil is quite demanding (which it sounds like she is) then your dm and sil living in such close quarters is bound to cause tension, especially if ever your dm doesn't 'toe the line' it's entirely possible that a huge row would occur which would be awful in the first weeks of the twins life and awful for your poor mum

I think two adult women living together for long periods can be quite difficult at the best of times, this sounds like a nightmare

gagamama · 10/11/2008 09:40

Oh my God, that's outrageous! Being a Grandparent should be a pleasure, not a chore, and she certainly shouldn't be expected to hand over half her life to these newborn babies which, although I'm sure she will adore, she had absolutely no choice in being brought into the world. ESPECIALLY as your mum clearly has more than one child and at least one other grandchild.

And this whole "level of commitment" thing - she already sounds like a completely "committed" grandmother to me! It's not a flaming career!

If you're reading this, Annthecat's mum, DON'T DO IT!

mm22bys · 10/11/2008 09:48

Does your SIL and DB know anyone else with twins? I do agree that it does sound like they are panicking and just seem to have no confidence in their ability to cope without having so much hands-on help.

There must be Twins-support groups out there, she will definitely need a routine, and I do think that they should try to cope on their "own" as early as possible - start as they mean to go on!

It is completely unreasonable to ask for this level of help from both sets of grandparents (unless they offer and sincerely want to do it themselves, otherwise it will all end in resentment). Who knows she may even get sick of having such a full house and then the gp (on both sides) will still be made to feel bad.

SoupDragon · 10/11/2008 09:50

'expect this commitment level' How unbelievably rude!

Bucharest · 10/11/2008 09:52

They're not Italian are they?
Dp's friend and wife had twins in MAY and she is still at her mother's house being looked after while he lives in their house and visits at weekends.
Similarly dp's SIL had a c-sec and then moaned she couldn't stay at her mothers afterwards as her mother's house had stairs.....so her mother went to stay with her for 6 weeks.

shouldbeperfect · 10/11/2008 10:02

This is mad from your SIL's POV too. Imagine always having either your MIL or your mother in you house. Never any time with just DH & Dc's. It would drive you round the twist. If this mad scheme goes ahead, my bet is no-one will be speaking to each other within a month.

tw70 · 10/11/2008 10:06

They are being stark raving mad, actually. Do they really not want their alone time? I loved my MIL being there for the first month, but by the end of it I REALLY wanted time to myself.

But why doesn't your mother play on that? (If she dares!!!) She could send them a list of her 'requirements'. And also send them a list of things that they will 'absolutely have to have' for her and for their children. She could put a list of outrageous demands that pretty much match the outrageous demand placed on her.

Or if your mother can't do that, why don't you make a very unsubtle remarks to your brother along the lines of:

"Do you really want to give up all your privacy like that? Sharing your wife with your children is one thing, but do you really want constant parents, parent's in law around???"

"I'm guessing you've given up on ever having a sex life again what with the parents basically living at your house?"

"I hope you're going to be busy at work, because it sounds like you're going to be a bit redundant at home"

or (and this one will probably work on your SIL

"Lordy, those poor twins won't even know who their mother is with all these other women/mother figures around 24/7".

MmeLindt · 10/11/2008 10:14

I remember the babysitting thread.

Your SIL is being outrageous and your DB needs to tell his wife to get a grip.

Your poor Mum, if you don't want to let DH read the thread, at least let her see it.

Your Mum has raised her kids, why should she spend her retirement raising your DB's and coping with your deranged SIL?

Talia22 · 10/11/2008 10:15

It's very presumptuous and your mother can do what she likes.

Although on the plus side, at least (as the paternal g'mother) she is being treated equally. She could go along with it for the first few weeks/months and if you are a normal family no doubt your SIL will have had enough of her soon anyway...(and your mother can earn brownie points for being supportive).

I haven't read the whole thread, but does your mother help you out with any childcare?

missblythe · 10/11/2008 10:21

Err, did your mum secretly sneak into their house and impregnate your SIL while she was sleeping?

I'm guessing not, so she is not responsible for these babies. They chose to get pregnant again, knowing they would already have a toddler to care for, even if they weren't expecting twins. If they think they need more regular, scheduled help than they already have, then they should pay for it.

However, if she does fancy coming to live here to help with my two on her weeks off, do pass on my details.

chequersandchess · 10/11/2008 10:21

Well, I think YABU, actually..

Only joking, just thought I'd be the first. YANBU, what an ask of your poor mother.

scaryteacher · 10/11/2008 10:46

YANBU - and your mum should tell them the rate of pay she expects for this commitment (equal to the nanny of course, if not a bit more for experience); plus help with her bills and transport to and from. Oh, and pension contributions as well.

If my db or I tried this with my mum we would be very firmly told where we could get off. My mum is willing to come and stay for a week (I live abroad) and look after ds (13) when I go on a trip with dh, and is currently staying with db doing school drop offs/ pick ups as my dsil is away for a week, and db has to leave early and work late this week; but neither of us expect it, and ensure that all her costs are picked up for the week, and fares paid etc.

Tell your Mum to just say no, firmly, as she did when your db was little and to advise now, as I'm sure she did then, that it was time he grew up a bit and stopped being quite so self-centred. She could also suggest that perhaps he should tie a knot in it, if he can't cope with the consequences!!

Original poster
Annthecat · 10/11/2008 10:56

My Mum is going to talk to my DB.

She is going to say she cannot commit to this level of support becuase:

a) She is unwell herself with reumetoid arthritis and deosn't feel she could physically cope
b) she fears that much time together could result in a big fallout and rift which she wants to avoid

SO, she will commit to going once a month for 3 days and then additionally being on call to cover illnesses, babysitting, weekends away (in future) and work commitments they have.

I have assured her this is reasonable and she should stick to this.

OP posts:
quickdrawmcgraw · 10/11/2008 11:02

I think that's a more than reasonable commitment from your mum.

expatinscotland · 10/11/2008 11:07

YANBU.

I'd have told my son to go to hell, tbh, if he ever had the gall to make demands on me like this.

It's one thing to volunteer it, another to demand it.

She's not a nanny.

I have 3 who are 5 and under and the 5-year-old is SN.

NO family nearby at all. Zero.

ILs are closest at 90 miles away but they both have insulin-dependent diabetes and MIL has terrible rheumatoid arthritis.

My family is coming from abroad, because they want to, not because it was demanded.

'SO, she will commit to going once a month for 3 days and then additionally being on call to cover illnesses, babysitting, weekends away (in future) and work commitments they have.'

on call?

screw that!

tell her to commit to 3 days a month and that is it. none of this drop everything if they're ill or to babysit or to cover their work commitments.

TOUGH!

they chose to have kids.

kerala · 10/11/2008 11:15

Your poor mum!

She should take a leaf out of my MIL's book who told me very firmly that she didnt want to help me out at all. I only asked for a few days help with the toddler while the (prem) baby learned to breastfeed as I had to pump all the time so was stuck in the house and felt bad for the toddler.

My MIL is incredibly strict, German and would never do anything she didnt want to do. Actually she is terrifying so certainly wont be asking for any help from her in the future! But kind of admire the way she doesnt give a stuff about anyones feelings as I am pathetically the direct opposite.

StewieGriffinsMom · 10/11/2008 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

susie100 · 10/11/2008 11:22

So what would happen if you had twins would your mother have to spend 2 weeks with you and 2 weeks with your brother?

She is bonkers, your poor mother. She sounds lovely and your SIL should be grateful she has such a lovely MIL!

Freckle · 10/11/2008 11:45

Point is that grandparents don't have to commit to anything. It is their choice to be as hands-on or hands-off as they want. Most new parents are grateful for whatever helped is offered. To demand it (and to demand such unreasonable levels) is just bloody rude and utterly self-centred.

In your DB's case, it's not even as if they have no other help to call on. They seem to have masses of help and then demand a level of commitment from a grandmother who is ill herself, which just shows that they are the pregnant version of a bridezilla - expectantzilla?? No one else's lives matter but their own.

OrmIrian · 10/11/2008 11:50

"they 'expect this commitment level' from her" or what? They won't have the babies? They won't let her see the babies? Why should she be expected to have any sort of commitment to them?

Totally unreasonable.

avaTsar · 10/11/2008 11:55

Good lord .

We were in exactly the same situation; toddler and new twins.

We are very lucky to have have two sets of extrememly interested hands on grandparents nearby. They've all been wonderful and helped out no end, but that much expecation is crazy and excessive. You wouldn't even need that much help, really you wouldn't.