To think it's unreasonable to expect Grandparents to live with you for a week every other week after having twins?

[Annthecat]

My DB and wife have told my Mum they 'expect this commitment level' from her, and she is now very worried as this will take over her life.

She will have to travel and stay with them from sunday to saturday and they expect her to go and help every other week (and SIL's mother to go the alternate weeks).

Now, they do have a toddler also, so twins is going to be very hard, and they will need support. but they do have a part time nanny and my mum offered to go and stay once a month but was told this was not enough.

Is it unreasonable to expect a grandmothet to devote half her time to supporting? My mum has a busy and happy life in many clubs and seeing frinds which would have to go, or be very curtailled.

What do you think? My Mum is very anxious about being seen as a disnitersted Gp if she doesn't agree to this.

She was told that 'people they know with twins ahve had this commitment from Gp's.'

Would this be normal or expected?

can I go round and slap your SIL for you? HOW DARE SHE? I know ti must be scary for her (I've lost track of time I've wondered how I would cope with two and I only have one) but that is completely outrageous to challenge your mother's very nicely (and I think generous) offer of help.

and to ask how ill she is

get over yourself love...

ok - in your shoes I wuould be ringing my sil and db and falling out with them. Your mum is not their slave and if they want 24/7 backup then they should pay for the maternity nurse for longer not guilt your mum into it. It is totally shameful of them to act in this way - and totally pathetic of them to claim they can't cope with their own children. I'm fuming and she's not even my mother. Go kick some relative butt!

Oh dear. How would they not know that she has rheumatoid arthritis? My MiL has it , and it IS exacerbated by stress and "doing too much".

It is a real shame that your Mum hasn't stuck to her guns. I posted earlier that your SiL is being unreasonable and I still think she is to be trying to bullying help out of grandparents.

BUT....I do think you need to take a step back. This is about your Mum's own relationship with her son and his wife. And whilst you might have (very reasonable) opinions about it, it really is up to them.

Your Mum is a big girl. If she doesn't have the gumption to stick by her original position, unfortunately that is going to be her look out. She is obviously jumoing right on the phone to report back after each contact with her son. IMO, she would be better of just trying to use the energy to stick by her very reasonable original response. (Sorry if that sounds harsh).

I am totally and utterly shocked at this thread and the expectations your brother and il have on your mum especially as she has stated what she was prepared to do and why and they still demanded more.

They are so out of order

Now as for ringing up and falling out with your DB, er yes, if you were maybe ....10!?

So many family rows start when someone doesn't fight their own battles - and then others start pitching in. Advise your Mum, yes. Start ringing up on her behalf, er...no.

Your sil needs a reality check. The world does not revolve around her and her family.

Your poor mom!

Couldn't she go back to your brother and say, 'my GP advises against it?'

Are you going to get involved?

Bloody hell your SIL is a piece of work isn't she?

Much sympathy to your poor Mum. Emotional blackmail at its absolute worst.

Yes my Mum is reporting back and yes I am really bloody pissed of with them and feel like telling them exactly what I (and all of MN) think. and yes I know that's probably not helpful or healthy for anyone.

They know she has rheumetoid arthiritis but wanted to know how bad.

I just think that while my Mum is there she is going to be treated like staff.

they are having the maternity nurse live with them for a month now whilst still having the nanny and grandparents!

I am so bloody fed up with my SIL's selfishness which goes way back before twins or any children but which is getting steadily worse.

Also if they're so skint how can they afford a maternity nurse for a month? That'll be, what, three grand?

I think it probably is ultimately heading for a fall out, I can't imagine holding my tongue on this and all the other issues which will inevitably arise over the years.

Can a rift be avoided? I knwo that would devastate my mum.

I've been watching this thread and also remember the issue about your Mum not being allowed to eat in the sitting room. I really think it might be time for you to step in and speak to DB, this is not fair on your poor Mum and SIL will continue to demand if she gets her own way on this.

Please give advise on my role in all this.

My natural instinct is always to get involved, have my say, I generally don't hold back, but should I restrain myself here?

is this really nothing to do with me?

I think if my brother lived nearer and I saw him I'd definetly say something but as he lives away it woud have to be done by phone which is trickier.

I really do not think that yabu - but your SIL and DB are. I agree with all those who have said that it is not a grandparent's obligation to look after grandchildren - and it does sound as if there will be a lot of people looking after these children!

I would say be careful of a fall out though. This might be the wimps way out but if you can wait to deal with all of this till after the babies arrive - past that magic 3 month mark - then maybe they will see that they don't need the world and his uncle coming to help and that actually they can cope. I just worry (from experience with members of our family...) that a fall out can take an awful long time to mend and you want your children to be able to be with their cousins and for your nephews/neices to be able to be with their granny.

Thats why sil is so worried about how she is going to clothe these twins, shes spent the clothing allowance on the maternity nurse.... This is unbelievable. Poor poor granny. She is never going to be allowed to do the right thing.

Your role in this MUST be to step back. Actually your mum is being pretty unfair on you. I know that sounds a bit harsh because in a way she's the victim here - but she's piling the problem onto you with her constant reporting back.

How reasonable would it be to say to your mum:
' Look, DB and SIL are totally taking advantage, this is completely out or order and I am really worried about your health, and their ability to ever learn to stand on their own two feet. And now I've told you my view, it's very upsetting to keep hearing about this so please either take my advice and say no to them, or stop ringing me about it.'

By shifting the responsibility back to her, maybe she'll realise that she needs to stand up to them herself or possibly risk falling out with you? I know that's the last thing you'd want, but perhaps the threat of it will get the message across.

Could you wait a few days (so it isn't looking like your mom is reporting back to you)

Speak to your brother and simply say that you are concerned about your mom's arthritis, and her ability to cope with the physical aspect of 3 young children on a regular basis; that you are mentioning this as you are concerned and that your mom is just sooo excited about the twins etc.

The alternative is to get your mom to speak to your brother in a few days and say that on medical advice, she simply cannot do it without endangering her health, and if she is asked specifics, she needs to say something like, 'please don't push this...'

I think the ringing is because she wants Ann to step in & rescue her from being bullied.

If she were my mum, I think I'd ring db & say 'look, every time you hassle her, she's on the 'phone to me trying to find a way to avoid your demands. She's upset & she's stressed out, & it's going to make her ill. She's made it clear she doesn't feel up to it, & you need to accept that'

That may be sensible advice findtheriver, but I couldn't/wouldn't do that.

I have a need to know what is going on and a tendency to get involved. I know I may have to resist getting involved but I couln't sustain not getting updates.

As far as my Mum's concerned this matter is resolved she is going to help for the first three months and is reasonable happy with that (at first she thought it was for a year!).

I'm actualy more angry now, about the way they have approached her, not with a request for help but a staement of thier expectations and then ignoring her illness or challenging it's seriouness, and also for an accumulation of factors in the way SIl treats my Mum, they way she speaks to her and including the not being allowed to eat in siting room issue (whilst she was there helping for 3 days, cooking for them and then babyiiting whilts they went out).

I know it's not my battle, but I am fuming.

Agree with findtheriver. I don't think it will solve anything at all for you to speak to SIL or DB.

I go back to what I said originally, I suspected a conversation wouldn't work. The only way that your mother can get out of this is in writing to say what she is prepared to do but peppering it with kind and loving thoughts. There is no point whatsoever in speaking to your brother, he clearly will cave in and do whatever his wife wants, no matter if that means endangering the health of his elderly mother or not.

Frankly they are disgusting, but findtheriver is right, your mum needs to find her own solution.

good point raven - she is being bullied.

Oh my god. I had a toddler and twins and did everything in my power to keep the in laws away! I didn't need the extra stress!

You know, when you said that she'd spoken to your brother and he'd been very nice about it, the cynic in me thought, yeah but wait til he tells his DW. Sure enough.....

That subsequent phone call, more than anything else would make me SO ANGRY, I'd be straight on the phone to him. She's your mother too, and I think it is up to you to act in her best interests, as DB and SIL (what a cow!) clearly aren't.

For the record, my best friend had twins (with 2 kids under 5 already). 2 weeks later her DH began working away (forces) during the week, and she had to go back to work as a hospital consultant (part-time) earlier than she'd hoped. She coped. You have to.