to set out a document for anyone looking after my daughter stating what I expect from them now my partner and I have split?

[May1808]

My partner and I recently split, meaning my 14 month old DD will be living between two homes and visiting grandparents/other relatives and presumably sometimes being cared for (babysitting etc) by my ex partners family and I won't be there to keep an eye on things.

I don't think I am being a control freak to ask that some basic rules are set by me and my ex with regard to food, routine, medicines & safety that are agreed by anyone else involved in her care and I think its better to do it now rather than after problems happen so that everyone knows where they stand.

I know her dad absolutely dotes on her and would never intentionally do anything to harm her or undermine me (well I hope not but he might discover a vindictive streak!) but he is much more easy going, slap dash, cross that bridge when we come to it than I am (one of the reasons why we split) so its definately important that we agree on the basic points that we will observe.

The thought of drawing up a formalised document wouldn't even have occured to me, other than I used to spend an awful lot of time explaining to the ex why I wanted to do things a certain way and why him not doing it that way would undermine me etc, and then even more time explaining to the ex in-laws why I was doing things a certain way and why, for example, they mustn't add salt to DD's food or let her play in the bathroom that hasn't been baby-proofed, or go through peoples bags that contain all sorts (her pulling out a blister pack of paracetemol and watching the mother in law say 'oh what a clever girl you've found something' rather than whipping them away and saying don't touch medicine, they're dangerous) sticks in my memory.

In addition to that, there are certain rules and ways of disciplining her that are my way of parenting and I do worry that if other people do other things it will result in a lack of continuity and boundaries for her, allowing her to play one carer off against another and generally be a confused and unhappy child who can't do wrong for doing right.

So far I've put things in like, don't add salt to her food, only give milk or water to drink, don't give her nuts or peanuts, don't give her sweet things between meals etc and the obvious safety things like don't let her play on the stairs or what to do if she's teething, but I'm worried that my ex will say 'this is ridiculous i'm sure everyone involved is capable of looking after a child (now i'll go and bury my head in the sand and hope nothing dead bad happens)' and the in laws (who i don't know what their reaction to the split is yet but probably really angry with me for 'giving up' and 'ruining things for everyone' and 'only thinking about myself' - some kind of conviction because of their religion what we should get married and stay together for the children) might well take the view that 'who is she to tell us what to do, we've raised 4 kids AND have a successful marriage...'

Arrrgh this is a minefield. What do you guys think?

This is the kind of thing I give to my mum or friends if looking after dcs
"
7.30am - likes 2 bowls of cereal/toast
8am -Epilim medicine

12pm -sandwich (doesnt like ham) fruit/ youhurt/whatever for after

He likes snacks mid pm and gets thirsty easily - water/milk/juice his favourites

As he goes to bed at 7 he has tea about 5 and bath at six and snuggles down with small light on after stories!
Most of all enjoy and have fun!
"

I have never found anyone take offence - yet therein I have given pretty strict guidelines on times, what to eat and routine.Most people I find want a little bit of guidance with someone else's child (I know I do) Other than that you just want your dd to enjoy her time and relax with whoever is caring for her

Well, I s'pose you could send them the document. But only if you're prepared for them to
a) laugh themselves sick and show it to all their friends and aquaintances for ever more,
or b) be really hacked off and insulted that you really think it's necessary to state the bleedin' obvious in such a pompous, formal way.
Kids are tough, and millions world-wide are suffering far, far greater risks than the odd pinch of salt or chocolate between meals. Fair enough to point out reminders about car seats/climbing phases/current fear of the hoover/whatever. But the rest? Don't do it. She'll survive and enjoy the differences in her two families.

"I guess it's just really hard for me to accept that if my ex asks his parents to do a specific thing about our daughter that they might not do it because if I ask my parents to do something they would take on board what I am saying and act on it because they respect me and my ability to be a parent."

But you dont respect your Inlaws and THEIR ability to be a parent? Hence you propose to not relinquish control of your baby without the baby manual.

If I had been in your shoes with ds1 aged 14 months I can imagine I might have produced such a document (bad case of Pfb-itis), and I would have been wrong. for so many reasons, many of which are mentioned in here.

Actually I once wrote a long list of instructions for a babysitter - Amy, who was an experienced/qualified nursery nurse and had her mum living next door, who was a very experienced childminder. Amy was very sweet about it, whilst nearly wetting herself laughing at my paranoia!

Actually when it comes to looking after young children the most important things are not how much sugar she has or whether she drinks water or squash, but rather whether she is loved and cherished. When she strives to do something new she should be encouraged to persevere, when she succeeds her carer should share in her jubilation and celebrate her achievements, when she fails someone should be on-hand to commiserate and help her cope with that without damaging her self-esteem. These are the things that are important in child-rearing. This is how you bring up a contented, emotionally stable and resilient individual.

If you are not content your carers would do these things, don't leave her with them. If you are happy that they will love and cherish her, then a bit of salt or squash really doesn't matter that much.

YABU

Surely this whole attitude towards your ex (and his family)is part of the whole reason you split? You think he is utterly incapable so surprise surprise, he acts incapable. You also think his parents are incapable. I bet they aren't.

Do you really think such a document will help foster good relations with your child's extended family? Not to mention her father?

Or do you think it will offend and mightily piss off?

basically, unless your daughter has medical or other special needs, she is physically and neurologically the same (or near as dammit) as any other baby her age. Yes, THE SAME.

I know that rankles, when she's your first and the Pleiedes shine in her eyes and the sun from her carefully nappied bot, but anyone who can cope with a 14 onth old baby will cope with your daughter. She is highly unlikely to do anything they haven't seen before.

I wasnt going to say it, but I can sort of see why you are splitting up....

I think if you are going to draw up a document with your ex that you expect him to follow- then he needs to have an input too (being the child's father) which may mean that he expects you to change some of the things you do in your parenting too.

Are you prepared to do that?

If not, I think you'll have some explaining to do.

Also, any document will need to be updated pretty regularly. A baby's needs will change over the months and keeping an older child will the same regulations as a younger is not necessarily in their best interests.

I would also be careful about getting the really important safety rules (like fireguards and medicine) mixed up with the rules that are not about safety (noone can claim that your dd's life will be endangered if she has a biscuit). The risk is that they will not take the list as a whole seriously.

Will your EX be setting out a doc. about how he expects your DD to be raised when you have your DD?

I nannied for years and I don't think I ever had quite a detailed info sheet ever given too me.

I would agree with those that say babies are babies as unique as you think your is, she still does all the same things as every other baby in the world does. Anyone who has had previous contact with a baby before will be well equipped to care for her.

Would you actually follow it if your EX gives you a document?

Quintessential - I think you've only said what many others (self included) were thinking....

Which is probably why people won't follow it!

Madness.

I can see where the OP is coming from and I agree with the content. I think she just needs to be very careful about the form. I don't think this should be presented as a "contract" or a "set of rules", but rather as a "list of what DD is used to", which IMO would be very useful for any other carer.

We still have issues with the DSSs grandparents doing totally loopy things with them (and they are 11 and 13). My parents are brilliant with DD - because my mother actually asks what she is used to and adapts to her in order to make her feel comfortable.

The problem even with the tactful list suggested by Anna, is that the OP seems to think that she is the one that gets to decide the rules, but that her ex is not allowed to have a similar input. That is a serious problem.

The one thing she needs to ask herself is if she is ok for her ex to present her with a similar document of rules that have to be followed when dd is staying with her and looked after by her friends. If not- then there are going to be problems.

It's still probably more an issue of form than content.

My DP has strong feelings about certain things that his children should and should not do (especially on food, and he is quite right). He is a very involved father.

Whether he would actually manage to sit down and write out a list of the things the children are used to is quite another matter .

I was listening to Woman's Hour last week which was talking about how "middle class" parenting is held up as the gold standard, but actually issues such as over-control of diet/what children are doing are extremely harmful for children, and that 'working class' parenting attitudes (i.e. less obsessing and control) have lots of aspects which should be considered far more beneficial for the child

This is a good example of that

How sad and when we can't trust previous generations to raise a child

"How sad and when we can't trust previous generations to raise a child."

Hmm.

I don't trust my MOL, and my DP doesn't trust his ex MIL. With very good reason, may I add. It is not as simple as "trusting previous generations". We have before us the results of a previous generation of parents. We judge those results, and determine whether they are good or not.

My ds1 father and I split 8yrs ago and when this first happened he saw ds1 every weekend he did not look after him properly and eventually stopped seeing him, I did not trust him to look after him nor did i trust his mother. When i told him he was not to take ds1 to his mothers every weekend the visits stopped. The reason i stopped that was my ds1 was a toddler and needed feeding i.e meals made for him. This never happened as he didn't eat pork, beef, lamb etc and to this day will only eat it if given no choice!

On The other hand ds1 was at my mums every weekend (except the few hours his father would have him) and he always came back full up as nanna had made him a nice dinner.

Its not about trusting previous generations to look after a child its just about trusting the individual. Both my mum and exp's mum were the same age my mum will cook foods she knows ds1 will eat and his mum would cook what he wouldn't eat and send him away with a bag of biscuits.

Morningpaper - I don't accuse 'previous generations of malice' it is simply an age thing. As we are having kids much later people are becoming grandparents much later. They aren't as physically capable of looking after a rampaging toddler as younger grandparents might have been. The one time I witnessed DDs grandmother changing her pooey nappy I was truly appalled. She gave her one quick wipe (swirl around - not front to back) and was about to put another nappy on leaving DD smeared in shit. She claimed she couldn't see the shit! If I were to hand DD over to her for any period of time I would need to instruct her (a) on the risks of thrush in baby girls if not cleaned properly and (b) to pleeeeease change the nappy in good light with glasses on!

Sorry - quote marks in wrong place. Should read: 'previous generations' of malice...

All I can say is Thank God I am not the Op's CM.

Poor OP, imagine she won't come back to this thread and I don't blame her. She is going through a difficult time and wants to make arrangements for her daughter and she has been told she has mental health issues and others have said they can understand why her marriage broke down. Harsh in the extreme.

Not sure it will help (although not BU). If things were not done your way when you were together, there is little chance that it will change. I think you might have to accept that when DD is with ex or his family, things will be a bit different to what DD is used at home (different routine etc...) so long as it does not contradict any fondamental education parts that any sensible person would agree to, and the different habits are not "imported back home".